Aibu to give my dc two MH days a year

[Codywolf]

Hi
I was talking to my friend about how I give my secondary aged children two mental health days to use when they need a break
and she looked horrified

My dc cannot take the day off if there is a test or activity but otherwise can use them when they need to

So Aibu to allow them these days

YABU

They have two days off a week plus more 13 weeks of holidays per year. Of course if they are genuinely ill including mental illness then they should stay home. But I don’t agree that they should have the option of staying home because they fancy a day off twice a year.

Jacques I’m not sure where you worked but I have worked my entire career With and around HR for thousands of business and never has anyone given ‘MH days’. This is not the norm

Firm of solicitors.
Then a couple of other sectors.

Surely what you're doing is allocating them sick days because they are not well enough to go to school. Would you ri g up the school and say they arent coming in be6of their mental health. They would mark it as sick surely?
What are you going to do if they run out if MH days? Keep them off and call it something else?

I would love to hear some teachers' points of view on this
If a student is too unwell to be in then they're too unwell to be in, be it physical health or mental health.

I dislike attendance targets and how It's monitored in some schools but have some sympathy when it's evident that some parents have no issue keeping their children off for a every sniffle and hands them a few skiving days a year whilst lying that it's for mental health.

I really despair how little MH issues are understood in the wider society. Mental health is serious. It's life limiting and crippling. It kills. It's not "needing a couple of days off because you need to recharge batteries". FFS , if you kid need a couple of days off say so but DON"T call them MH.

I've also never come across MH days in the work place, as others have said, if you're too ill to go to work you don't go, how do employers run such a system, what if too many employees all decide to have the day off at the same time and the business can't run. It sounds like a logistical nightmare

I work on my kids mental health on a daily basis.
Things like, but not limited to, telling them it's ok to come last at sport day, it's ok to not be star of the week, it's ok that they do t like Sofia; I expose them to lots of opportunities so that they can find a hobby they love, I listen to them etc etc etc
2 days out of 365 isn't anywhere near enough, and, nothing to do with their mental health whatsoever. It's called bunking off/skiving an it's not a positive.

I let dd have a day off if she’s struggling. She has Aspergers and struggles with anxiety every day but sometimes I can see she’s really struggling and I allow her to spend a day at home resting. We don’t call them MH days though.

Complete nonsense. If your kids actually are at risk of mh issues a random two days off school is going to make sod all difference.
It’s just two dossing days. Calling them Mental Health days suggests you have no bloody idea what mh issues actually entail.

now realising that it unusual ...

On the offchance that this thread isn't a joke, here's hoping the DCs realise it too - preferably before they mention it at a job interview

My dds take time off when they need to. We don't have set days or limits. If they are feeling exhausted, overwhelmed then they have a day off. They have never once abused it.

Both have excellent mental health, and I believe it is because they monitor and take care of themselves. They know when they are getting really tired, and they take action to rest and feel better. Children do not work to calendars or to schedules, they are human beings.

Mental health is not just mental illness. Looking after your mental health is not doing a disservice to people who have mental health problems. When things start to get on top of children, a “mental health day” is exactly that.

This kind of "maintenance" is exactly what weekends and holidays are for. You don't need an arbitrary number of specially allocated MH days taken out of their school term time for that.

I can't see how the OP is making a mockery of mental health

The fact that you fail to see it, doesn't mean it isn't so.

I bet the same posters saying this tell people who are suffering depression, to 'cheer up!'

If you were actually reading and comprehending what people are saying, it would be very obvious to you that this isn't the case. Quite the opposite. It's clear that the people who actually have an understanding of mental illness are saying "2 designated days doesn't prevent or cure mental illness" precisely because mental illness can be extremely serious.

At the end of the day, if a child is so exhausted/stressed etc that they cannot continue at school until the weekend (a maximum of 5 days) then they are obviously quite unwell and need appropriate medical attention as a matter of urgency, not some twee "MH day" where they take a bubble bath and go for a walk. If they are not suffering from mental illness but are tired, struggling with workload etc then they need their parents to assist them with relaxation techniques, spending time outside, talking, getting on top of studies or homework, whatever is required on EVENINGS and WEEKENDS.

Saying 'you've got 2 days to take off school to use how you like' isn't about mental health. It's about having a jolly couple of days off. It's good old fashioned letting the kids bunk off but rebranding it using more fashionable terms, which does nothing to help build awareness or real understanding of mental health

I totally agree with this. It sounds like bandwagon jumping.

If they genuinely need time off for mental health issues then absolutely fine, just as you would do for physical illness.

Another one who's never seen specifically branded 'mental health' days in the workplace.

Sorry op this is absolutely crackers what about teaching your children to be able to deal with life's challenges without gifting themselves a day to Fanny about and basically skive off

With this You are not normalising recognising that mental health is a serious issue and concern your normalising skiving and opting out

Bloody hell

I guess it's a nice way to show you care and are there for them. It's better that they know you care about their mental health and you get it "wrong" than them thinking you don't care at all (not that you're necessarily wrong, your method for preventing/treating mental illness hasn't been disproved by a large study after all).

I had untreated/undiagnosed severe depression as a child/teen and it only lessened a bit during the Summer holidays so I don't think an odd day would've done anything for my mental health. I wish my mum helped me get treatment, but even if she didn't, maybe her offering days off would've at least shown she cared a little bit and that education wasn't more important to her than my MH so in that respect, it's nice to see you care about your kids emotional wellbeing.

If the kids are going through mania or something similar, I'd assume they'd need to stay off school until the symptoms had stopped, rather than two days specifically.

However, if they don't actually have any mental health problems and it's used as a preventative measure and you know they won't fall behind in work, go for it! Two days sounds odd to me, but if it works for your children and it seems to help them then whatever.

I'm curious though, when you phone the school up, do you say that they're taking it off for mental health reasons?

Mental health is the level of psychological well-being or an absence of mental illness. It is the state of someone who is "functioning at a satisfactory level of emotional and behavioural adjustment. According to the U.K. Surgeon Journal (1999), mental health is the successful performance of mental function, resulting in productive activities, fulfilling relationships with other people, and providing the ability to adapt to change and cope with adversity

OP, what you are giving your children is a couple of mental illness days. That's what it means giving a couple of days off to your other otherwise healthy kids.

Your kids may need more sleep, more hours to have fun and less hours to study. It doesn't mean they are mentally ill.

Seems a bit odd to me if they don’t actually have MH issues- why would something as standard as attending school be such a threat to their MH?

I work with teenagers and sadly, we are seeing an increasing number Parents who view anything that has the potential to be challenging as a threat to their DC's Mental Health. Consequently, we have an increasing number of DC who are incapable of problem solving or tolerating normal, everyday stresses as they're so used to their parents enabling avoidance. Feeling tired? Ok, just stay in bed this morning. Fallen out with your friends? Well, stay off school so you won't have to face them. Don't like PE? Don't worry, I'll write you a note. There seem to be an awful lot of parents who are confusing promoting 'good Mental Health' with enabling their DC to live a life that is completely free from any stress or anxiety- which is actually very damaging for anyone. I'm all for raising awareness of Mental Health issues but we've reached a point where there is a tendency to medicalise perfectly normal emotions and experiences.

Calling these arbitrary two days off "Mental Health Days" is disingenuous and not helpful. Two days a year spent reading in the bath or walking in the woods isn't going to innoculate your DC against Mental Health issues. And going to school for six hours when they're feeling a bit tired or fed up certainly isn't a risk to their Mental Health if they're otherwise well.

And to those posters saying "wheres the harm?" If you think these things don't have a lasting impact then ask any university lecturer and they'll tell you they've seen a marked deterioration in the emotional and academic resilience of their students over the last few years. That's not because young people have fundamentally changed, it's because of differences in parenting.

Well I wouldn't give them 2 set days I would assess as they go along and if they are burnt out then let them have a day off if needed.

It all sounds a bit right on, and I’m imaging the OP also being sure to hang up her rainbow flags at home this month.

I am pretty surprised that OP thought this was the norm. I’m not surprised she does it. I wouldn’t be surprised if plenty of other parents allowed it (as in: if you’re sick you are off, sick can be mental health too) but to designate 2 days and appear to have a “policy” over it? It surprises me that OP thinks that’s normal.

Do I have a policy? No.
Would I allow time off if my child wasn’t well enough for school? Of course.
Would I limit that to 2 days? No, why would I?

It’s no always appropriate to just take time off. As others have said, it can create more stress about missing work. It might also just teach a child to run away from an issue.

My cousin regularly has days off work due to her anxiety. That is appropriate. It would be ridiculous to tell her to tough it out - she’d love to, she can’t.

A child who doesn’t want to go to school may need time off. But they also may need encouragement to attend. The answer isn’t always taking time out, sometimes getting on and coping with it, is what they need to do. Giving 2 days where they have carte blanche to not attend, takes away the chance to encourage them when the SHOULD face it.

On days when that’s not appropriate - I wouldn’t limit that to 2, so there’d be no policy.

I think it’s brilliant when MH is openly talked about and not judged. Both my parents had breakdowns and long term sick as a result, so it’s quite close to my own heart. But it can go to far when children just EXPECT to experience MH issues.

My youngest watches a lot of Youtubers and at 9, is aware that they burn out, or take breaks for their MH. She would definite pick up on that and decide she needed it too. But in her case, “self care” would be self indulgent clap trap! For another child, it’s necessary.

There’s a fine line between better awareness and acceptance, and it just becoming “a thing”, which then devalues the people who actually need support.

Not set days, no. If my son is ill and exhausted he is ill and exhausted, whether that be physically or emotionally, yes he might need time off. He doesn't get to have 2 random days off just because he fancies them.

Why the random allocation of 2 days?

I thought most families had a similar approach

I haven't heard of anyone doing this. There have been times when my dd has been upset or stressed, but we've always dealt with it by talking through the issue and tried to find strategies to deal with whatever was worrying or upsetting her.

I did let her have one day off in the middle of her GCSEs this summer: she'd had a couple of bad exams, was supposed to be going into school the next day but was so tired and stressed that I let her have the next day off to catch up on her sleep and calm herself down. Other than that, weekends and holidays have always been enough time to destress.

I've allowed my daughter a day off school when technically she could have done but she has underlying health issues as well as having had usual and sometimes extra low mental health issues so I felt the risk of what could happen if she went in against what she would miss want the day off was more important. On course for 8/9 in her GCSES and high passes in her AS levels so no harm here.

I wouldn't designate two days a year for them though like this though . I think that's ridiculous.

I get this system in the context of a workplace where people often work long hours, have very limited annual leave and also have other adult stressors to deal with - bills, household, children etc.

But a teen is only at school 9-3 and has 13 weeks' holiday per year. I'm not suggesting it's not stressful to be a teen (far from it - I had periods of feeling very low at certain points in my own teenage years and found A-Levels particularly stressful) but I don't think it really equates.

Having said that I'd have loved it if my mum had let me do this (although I'd have been home alone and bored silly)