Aibu to give my dc two MH days a year

[Codywolf]

Hi
I was talking to my friend about how I give my secondary aged children two mental health days to use when they need a break
and she looked horrified

My dc cannot take the day off if there is a test or activity but otherwise can use them when they need to

So Aibu to allow them these days

I would wonder how much use the days off would be in terms of mental health / stress. The kids will have to catch up on any work they’ve missed at school and do any set homework anyway and it’s going to just be harder to do if they’ve missed the lesson. If there are specific issues at school it would be better to try and address them rather than letting the kids choose to skip a day, the problem won’t just go away.

I love this idea. Mental health problems do not restrict themselves to weekends and holidays.

Those saying they find it odd. Why?

I'm a long term sufferer of MH problems and my child has severe social anxiety with school refusal. It's exhausting to watch.

They don’t restrict themselves to two days per year either.

Id caution against this only because it sounds like it may make 'MH days off' a thing that they would view as an entitlement in their adult life. Personally I think MH days at work are a great idea an very healthy but getting children into that mindset would make me nervous.

Absolutely if they are at a point where it's clearly needed. I wouldn't label it though (sorry if you don't do this, I am assuming).

justgivemewine
The other major consideration is the more people therapy-splain normal ups and downs, the more limited, already over-stretched services end up struggling to deal with those who need it.

I can think of two students (suitably adapted for obvious reasons but we'll pretend they are in the same year/same time etc). One I'm really concerned about but can't quite put my finger on quite what the issue is, she's withdrawn, late to school, late to class, seems really sad and down but insists otherwise. I've raised it as a concern and as a safeguarding issue. The second is a girl who speaks regularly in therapy speak, gets 'triggered' by PSHE topics, however inoccuous, they apparently need a mentor or a school counsellor appointment because their mental health isn't in a good place. They make a big deal so that everyone knows about their mentor/counselling/mental health. No serious concerns from our pastoral team either. I'm not saying girl 2 couldn't so with someone to talk to, but in my experiences students like girl 2 with parents who push the therapy narrative get all the attention and girls like girl 1 fly under the radar.

Teens don't really have the weekends off, they usually have a lot of school work to do.

And mental ill health occurs during times of stress ie: during term time not the holidays.

This is a fantastic idea. Well done for thinking about your DC's mental health and supporting it.

As a specialist teacher who works with teenagers who suffer from anxiety and other mental health issues on a regular basis I am not quite sure as to why you would need to offer this in advance. Are you saying that they can a day off if things are getting on top of them ? If this is the case then a day off probably won't help as the real issues are not being addressed. If you are telling the school this is why they are absent then I would hope it is picked up on and some support is put into place for them.
Do they suffer from mental health issues ? If not then it is not really a 'mental health day' and may be seen as a little undermining for those children with issues who come in every day in order to confront their issues.
I have to admit to not having read all of the post so some of these queries may have been answered. At the end of the day they are your children and if you decide that they are in need of some time at home then you can make that call.

Great point Lola we’ve waited nearly a year to be seen by cahms, and that’s as an emergency case!

justgivemewine
I can well believe it.
It would be unprofessional and wrong of me to share some of the situations that didn't make the cut, but safe to say it worries me that some of our most vulnerable can't access what they need.

But it's ok because we can solve real mental health issues by giving 2 duvet days a year to skive.

Teens don't really have the weekends off, they usually have a lot of school work to do.
They really don't. A bit of homework that's issued throughout the week doesn't equal a weekend doing school work.

I'd be intrigued to find out how many teens who get skiving duvet pseudo mental health days manage to have hours to spend on social media but don't have time for homework? Who have their phones in their room all night, but then get tired and irritable at school due to lack of sleep?

If they save all their homework until Sunday then that's their organisation issue that needs working on as part of building life skills and resilience, not a duvet day when homework is due.

If they are up all night on their phones on social media (often with a parent forgetting it is possible to buy an alarm clock and take their phones off them), then they need the adults in their life to take some responsibility and help them manage healthy sleep routines in order to look after themselves, not a duvet day.

If they 'can't help' but let homework pile up due to clubs and enrichment during the week and dont get a minute to themselves then they've not planned a timetable that facilitates all they want to do. Part of life is planning and evaluating commitments. If they are so stressed due to this situation then they don't need a duvet day; they need a responsible adult in their life to help them make an appropriate plan or scale back how much enrichment they do.

I'm not entirely sure what a fun day skiving offers that the responsible adults actually nurturing healthy habits for wellbeing wouldn't offer in most circumstances.

I think it is a really good idea. I get the whole "they have so much time off already" argument and teaching them about commitments, but in setting this allowance you give them the personal responsibility to decide if and when they need to use them and, if you say some years they don't use any, it sounds like they do think about if they really need it or they are just taking a jolly.
Sometimes the feeling of just having that option can boost a person's resilience and reduce anxiety. Especially if a young person doesn't really understand why they are feeling a particular way, a take a break card can help.
I know of schools who have worked very hard to educate and support their pupils around mental health and this includes use of a quiet space that children can ask for a pass to and go and sit for 10min. Initially they thought it might just be abused as a get out of work space but with guidance it has been one system of a number that has seen grades and attendance improve greatly, and young people more able to talk about mental health.
Drawing attention to the importance of mental health and giving young people some ownership rather than it being based simply on what the parent thinks or recognises is a good thing as mental health is not always that visible and definitely not as straight forward as whether or not someone looks rundown.

Gosh, really? How does this teach a child resilience? What happens when they go out into the big wide world of employment? It sounds very much like a duvet day, commonly used in the USA. But how does this actually help a young person? True mental health care is 365 days of the year, 24 hours of the day, and applies to every single human being on the planet. Two days in a 12 month period is far from enough!

And do they need another Mental Health day immediately after the first one, as they will be completely stressed out from working twice as hard to catch up on the school work that they missed whilst relaxing in the bath and walking in the woods? What’s wrong with using the weekend for walking in the woods?

I don’t believe for a minute that anyone thinks its ‘normal’ to have a ‘policy’ of two days on which your kids can choose to skive off school 🙄! If you want to let them bunk off as a reward system don’t try & dress it up by calling it ‘mental health days’..

At best they’re ‘duvet days’ & it’s such patronising cringeworthy post, you can practically feel the smug parenting oozing out of the OP - I can’t tell if it’s based on a ‘that parent’ oblivious sense of entitlement or just plain old showing off?

Surely the kids could relax, have baths and walks on one of the 170 days they are already not at school? Obviously if they have, or are at risk of mental health issues then they may need time off, but not within the confines of the arbitrary policy.

As for the work ethic you’re instilling - If I had to choose between promoting two employees & one had a positive ‘can do’ attitude and grafted when the going got tough and the other one skived off to go and lie in a bath when the going got tough then obviously I’m going with the resilient hard working one..(& I’d presume that the hard working one did their relaxing in the evenings, at the weekend and on holiday like the rest of us have to!)..

Mental health days are as important as physical health days. Sometimes even more important.

I give my very anxious DS MH days every now and again and it basically helps him readjust and go back to his routine refreshed. Saturday and Sunday don’t cause him anxiety so he doesn’t need one then.

Just because this kind of break isn’t traditional, doesn’t make it unnecessary. We need to cut our kids some slack.

Jesus @chipsandgin I really hope you never need MH support in your harsh world.

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery that wouldn't be a matter for disciplinary unless you were taking them frequently. I work in a heavy fast laced job with long hours and a lot of people suffer with their mental health so our employees see this. If you can't take a day off because you need it you should probably be concerned of your employer.

No, I don't see this as good OP. I think it's teaching the wrong life skills. The thing about resilience and MH and coping, is learning how to recognise the signs early enough.
Learning to talk. Learning that some things are out of our control and thus from a MH point of view worrying about those things is pointless.

All these things we need to help our children learn, but within normal time, not 2 designated days off.

You're not being unreasonable at all!
Yes, they have school holidays and weekends- but that's not enough when you can't escape from mental health issues.

@Oblomov19 absolutely, taking an odd day off is just hiding from the issue and most likely exasperate the workload you have already! If something can be "fixed" by one duvet day, it could be fixed tackling the issue head on rather than avoiding it. Then designate yourself a weekend day for recuperation.

If you can not go on to the extent you can't leave your bed that is a serious MH issue that will not be fixed by 1-2 "MH Days".

I’m struggling to understand why everybody is so against this idea!

I see it more about a child being reassured that his parent “has his back” more than a measured number of actual MH days. OP says that her DC don’t always take them. She doesn’t force them to take them. They aren’t statutory days to be used, they’re a suggestion that their mum is there for them when the going gets tough. We all need that.

As adults we may do it differently (eg wine and chat with a friend) but as a child, it’s a day the lid of the pressure cooker in our heads is released by being allowed to step away from the “noise” of increasingly tough school and peer pressure to breath, to gather your thoughts, to listen to silence. Yes, school work will still be there, but the energy you can gain from an hour, half day or day off can be invigorating and it means it’s easier to focus and catch up.

OP, please correct me if I’m wrong, but your two days a year are just a suggestion rather than a prescription? You are (hopefully) flexible about the quantity of time they may need?

Anyone who asks “what does this teach our DC about resilience?” needs to remember that parenting has changed. It’s no longer about being a tough disciplinarian, it’s about recognising that all children aren’t created equal. Resilience can be taught as being more mindful of how we take care of ourselves. A 10 minute power nap or an extra session at the gym could work just as well as a day away from the rat race. But as children, they need their parents guidance to work out what will work for them.

CAMHS doesn’t work for everyone. It’s not a miracle cure. We have been receiving various types of CAMHS services and finally found one that worked. Our therapist is empathetic and gives our DS his voice to make changes to his own life. It’s been 2 years since he started seeing her and we’re not there yet but by working with her we can see big changes.

Personally I’d rather have a happy child than a straight A student and a future captain of industry.

My kids know full well I have their back, without me telling them I’ve allocated two days per year for them to bunk off school at a time of their choosing.
If they have any problems, I’m in there dealing with it in whatever manner seems appropriate.
Ridiculous in the extreme to suggest speculating in advance that they may need two days off during the course of the year indicates a better more elevated class of “having their back”.
Your post has quite pissed me off, JustOne

Sorry to hear I’ve pissed you off @Headintheiclouds that was not my intention. My children are perhaps more vulnerable than most, I accept that. I fail to see, however, why people can’t be more flexible with their views and understand that we are not all created equal. Different strokes ...

Dear God really?! Saturday, Sunday plus the 3 months off they have a year woman!! I fear for what we are creating in this generation

@JustOneShadeOfGrey I have my children's backs by preparing them for the workplace they will be going into, instilling resilience and communication. I do not believe 2 MH days does that and sets a poor precedent. It's frivolous and demeaning to those with genuine MH concerns.