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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to give my dc two MH days a year

350 replies

Codywolf · 15/07/2019 10:13

Hi
I was talking to my friend about how I give my secondary aged children two mental health days to use when they need a break
and she looked horrified

My dc cannot take the day off if there is a test or activity but otherwise can use them when they need to

So Aibu to allow them these days

OP posts:
WhatsInAName19 · 15/07/2019 11:01

I don't like the trend for "mental health days". It seems like a convenient way for big businesses to pay lip service to their employees' MH, without really putting in the effort to do anything meaningful to improve their working conditions or work/life balance. I think it also trivialises mental illness and adds to the stigma that genuinely mentally ill people face. Mental illness cannot be cured by taking 2 days off and going for a walk.

If your children are genuinely suffering from anxiety, depression or any other mental health issue, then they need appropriate treatment. Not a day off and a bath. If they are a bit tired, a bit stressed and fed up, then you need to explore ways for them to cope with the normal demands of life, and ensure that their weekends and evenings are spent doing activities that are helping them to recharge their batteries and de-stress.

If they have used their "mental health days" up by February, how do they cope when they are feeling tired for the rest of the year? It just doesn't make sense. You either need to give them unlimited days whenever they feel they need them, or teach them adequate coping strategies. Having a limit of 2 days is illogical.

LillithsFamiliar · 15/07/2019 11:02

I think MH is important. I'm not sure I'd tell the DCs they had an allowance to use when they want. . . we usually judge when our DC need them and we don't commit to a certain amount per year.

bingbongnoise · 15/07/2019 11:03

@Codywolf

Never heard of this before, and it does seem odd to have a set amount of days off for their 'mental-health well-being,' but it seems like you are doing the best for your children, so I am going with YANBU.

Your friend being 'horrified' sounds like a bit of an overreaction! She sounds like she scares easily.. Doesn't she get out much?

Jayblue · 15/07/2019 11:03

I think giving them a set amount that they can only use at certain times is a bit strange tbh. Fair enough to give children a day off if they feel really stressed out or run down or something has happened that has upset them- but this should be as many/as few days as they need per year, not a set number.

It's interesting that you see missing tests as being a bigger issue than missing actual learning, too. AFAIK, if it's an important assessment, schools will give students a chance to catch up another time.

I think it's fine to let teenagers have the odd day off to help protect their mental health, especially if they seem really stressed/anxious. I think it's also important to build down time into their regular routine e.g. at weekends/holidays. It's also probably fine for you to have a mental limit in your head of 2 days per year if they seem mentally low but not really ill. But to give them 2 days specifically of their own choosing does seem a bit odd to me, sorry.

Jayblue · 15/07/2019 11:04

TBF though I have heard of some companies offering 2/3 mental health/duvet days as a perk- so it can happen at work too!

Teaandchocolatecake · 15/07/2019 11:05

If there was a genuine need to take a MH day, why is there a restriction on 2 per year? If there is a health need to be off school (mental or physical) then fine, but to limit it is odd.

If they can only have two per year, it sounds as though you allow a day off because they fancy it, not mental health related. You may be better off calling it a 'can't be arsed day' as mental health is not something to trivialise.

BykerBykerOoh · 15/07/2019 11:05

Mental health is not just mental illness. Looking after your mental health is not doing a disservice to people who have mental health problems. When things start to get on top of children, a “mental health day” is exactly that.

I think the set 2 day thing is a bit weird but they’re your kids and you know how they work best so I think YANBU.

Jeremybearimybaby · 15/07/2019 11:06

I've allowed my DC to sleep in or have a day off if they're absolutely knackered due to circumstances outwith their control but there are no specified amount of days - I'd say it's happened maybe 3 times in 10 years.
I work in the MH field, and some people do need a MH day, but for some it wouldn't be helpful - they feel they need to keep going. Resilience is a brilliant skill to learn, and one which I think, sadly, a lot of kids aren't being taught.

LolaSmiles · 15/07/2019 11:07

I suppose it sounds a bit...I don't know... like you don't ACTUALLY think this is a mental health day, just a fun indulgent day off you give your kids? Like "mental health day" in this context is code for "I let them skip school if I think they would enjoy a bit of a break and there aren't any major things they will miss". So in a way, it's a bit insulting to actual mental health issues - what you mean is 'duvet day' or 'holiday'.

That's how I feel about it.

More needs to be done to promote an understanding of mental health issues and remove the stigma. People having pre-planned duvet days for them to chill seems to me to push the cause backwards.

Not everything needs to be dressed up as mental health/mental wellbeing.

coconuttelegraph · 15/07/2019 11:09

I thought most families had a similar approach now realising that it unusual

I have had DC at schools for many years and have never once come across this. Personally I think it's a little odd but I'm from the nowadays old fashioned camp of just getting on with life, I was brought up like that and bring my DC up the same way. School is for so few hours per day/week/year that there's not been a need for taking extra time off.

Is it the school - can you change to one that suits better?

goodwinter · 15/07/2019 11:10

I think calling them mental health days devalues actual MH issues that require time off. Sorry OP.

Emi1e · 15/07/2019 11:10

What is wrong with them when they decide they need a MH day? I’ve brought up 2DS and they both managed to complete their education without mental health days.

I excelled at school, college, extra-curricular activities and university. I held down jobs since I was 15, paid my own since 16, including through university.

It all caught up with me and at 28 I had a bit of a break down. It was through therapy that I learned about concepts such as self-care and the importance of rest. That it's ok to take time out and slow down.

I think it's a great idea OP. The "two days" is a bit arbitrary but I think it sends a message about how often is reasonable.

thetimekeeper · 15/07/2019 11:11

I think you're taking the piss by calling them "mental health days" when what you've actually done is allot them two extra days of holiday to relax.

Do they get two physical health days to rest or exercise? If not, why not?

I suppose it sounds a bit...I don't know... like you don't ACTUALLY think this is a mental health day, just a fun indulgent day off you give your kids? Like "mental health day" in this context is code for "I let them skip school if I think they would enjoy a bit of a break and there aren't any major things they will miss". So in a way, it's a bit insulting to actual mental health issues - what you mean is 'duvet day' or 'holiday'.

Yep. Calling a jolly a "mental health day" is the kind of thoughtless shit that makes it harder for people needing time off school or work due to actual mental illness to be taken seriously.

Have you considered that by doing this you're contributing to all the casual stigma around mental illness in our society?

Taking care of your children's mental wellbeing should be incorporated into every day, just like you do with their physical wellbeing. It's not something you do two days a year to stave off the threat of mental illness. That's weird and offensive.

VenusTiger · 15/07/2019 11:14

Agree with @Sirzy how do you know they’ll need two days or only two days... that’s like telling them they will need those days whereas they may not need any days off at all.
Good idea, but think you need to live it day by day rather than planned... that’s like saying they will have those “down” days like they are inevitable. It’s almost self fulfilling.

thecatsthecats · 15/07/2019 11:14

Do the children ever get to opt out of family time, planned activities or holidays for their MH?

It just seems so weird to select two days - as PP have said, you wouldn't allocate them physical sick days.

PCohle · 15/07/2019 11:15

Yes, I'd let my kids have time off for mental health issues just as I would for any other illness. Giving them two extra days holiday a year has naff all to do with mental health.

MyRaGaiaStarFishPieA · 15/07/2019 11:16

I have 4 kids, the youngest is about to go into seniors. I have always made a point of listeniong to my kids, if they are saying their anxiety is raised I talk it through, if it persists to a point that they hesitate or drag their feet to go to school then I know their is an issue as all mine absolutely love school. I have in the past allowed them to say "I just cant do it today". I picked this up when my eldest son was doing SAT study and intentionally made himself vomit ( and scratched his throat in the process) to escape the pressure and get a day off.....I never want my kids to feel so miserable that they have to hurt themselves to get out of a school or work day.

So I started talking about mental health alot more. Instead of hiding my bipolar peaks and troughs, I normalised them and made a point of saying that I was having a brain fart day or just couldnt cope with XXX task today but that I would get my prioroties covered ( feeding the kids, being kind to myself) and tackle it tomorrow. It has worked really well for us. They all get a brain fart day but only if its warranted and they are not swining the lead. They havent had any in the last year. But next year the youngest and eldest may need 2-3 due to uni and high school transitions.

MyRaGaiaStarFishPieA · 15/07/2019 11:18

AAnd to add, my kids arent limited on days, they take them if its needed. My eldest son has ASD and spent 3 months on suicide watch after bottling up his emotions and feeling he may be trans....and my eldest daughter has BPD, she missed the last 4 months of school and studied part time at home on reduced schedule. I take mental health as seriously as physical. I never want my kids to feel so low they think suicide is a valid option.

VenusTiger · 15/07/2019 11:18

@Jeremybearimybaby - so true.... I see where “snowflake” labels comes from sometimes - why are some parents avoiding negative aspects on kids lives, and I mean things like disappointment or being told no... it’s so damaging when they’re an adult.

Awaywiththefairies27 · 15/07/2019 11:22

When I was a child we called them mad days. First summery day of the year we'd be woken up by mum pulling back our curtains and yelling "mad day" and running around the house like a loon. We'd skip school and do something fun. Eat icecream and cake for breakfast, go to the amusement park or zoo or beach.

Those were the only good days of my childhood and without them I wouldn't have any nice memories. I was bullied violently at school from reception to year 10 when I finally had enough and tried to end my life. I dropped out and home educated myself through GCSEs to degree to doctorate.

I think those little spontaneous moments can mean everything to a child. YANBU at all. Your children will remember these kind moments forever.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/07/2019 11:23

To be fair lots of workplaces allocate 3 instances of sick leave.

Bluntness100 · 15/07/2019 11:25

No, this isn't reasonable. It just giving them a day off when they fancy and you know it.

If they are struggling with their mental health. Sure give them the day off, but giving them a set two days to do as they please and use as they please, when they get several months holiday per year, really isn't helping them build resilience for possibly uni or thr workplace.

It's a very odd approach to take. And I don't think you're doing them any favours.

littlepaddypaws · 15/07/2019 11:25

venus jeremy it does come across as being snowflakes, the molly coddled youngsters of today are potentially facing a load of problems tomorrow as adults.

EleanorReally · 15/07/2019 11:25

things that are good for mental health dont need to be done on specific MH days imo.
too contrived.

bingbongnoise · 15/07/2019 11:27

I can't see how the OP is making a mockery of mental health, and it's rude to be calling a 'mental health break' a 'jolly.' The OP just seems to be doing right by her children IMO, and looking after them.

Saying she is making a mockery out of mental health, is as much of an overreaction as the friend being 'horrified' by the OP letting the kids have a couple of days off.

I also don't think it's treating them like a 'snowflake' by looking after their mental health! Confused Jesus wept! I bet the same posters saying this tell people who are suffering depression, to 'cheer up!' And that there is always someone worse off than yourself. Hmm

And all this 'MY kids went through school and college and uni with no mental health days off,' and 'I have managed life with no mental health days off!' Well bully for bloody YOU! Aren't YOU the clever ones?

This place sometimes! Hmm