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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

169 replies

ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:38

My sister has had a really difficult time getting pregnant (she has been trying since she was 26 and is now 41) and I’m thrilled to say she is now 21 weeks pregnant. She has been so graceful and lovely through my many pregnancies, along with our other siblings and all of her friends having children over the years but I know it was torture for her. I can’t begin to understand how strong she is.

Sadly her FIL is dying of leukaemia and now only has a few months to live, they are certain he will never meet his grandchild which is obviously very sad.
On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard. Much crying ensued but my sister was sure it was a positive announcement for all 4 people in the room.

Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby. She really laid into my poor sister calling her “wicked”, “a bitter cow” and lots of other awful insults.

So I suppose the question is in the title?
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

OP posts:
bigmap · 14/07/2019 18:40

Your sister did a lovely thing with her FIL's best interests at heart. She made a dying man happy, nothing wrong with that.

Farmerswifey12 · 14/07/2019 18:40

I would've thought it was nice for him to hear some positive news and to leave the world knowing his son and partner had conceived after trying for so long!

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 14/07/2019 18:41

Of course she should be allowed to tell him. I thought this was going to be that she lied she was pregnant when she wasn't really, just to make him happy before he died. In the actual circumstances, I see nothing wrong at all with this.

Presumably it's not completely out of the blue that they might have had kids at some point - it's surely no more heartbreaking to not be able to meet this particular grandchild than the idea of not getting to meet as yet unconceived ones.

saffy1234 · 14/07/2019 18:41

Im sure he would of noticed,my mum works in palliative care (sister well known cancer hospice) and i in my career have met many dying people also,but not as exclusively as Mum,and one thing dying people don't like (usually) is being kept out of the loop of things because they are dying.He isn't dead yet so should be treated as like.She wasn't out of order and i wish her all the luck and happiness with her much anticipated arrival.xx

fourandnomore · 14/07/2019 18:41

That’s such lovely news and if anything something for FIL to live for - sometimes things like this weirdly give people such a boost. Her SIL is very wrong to be calling her names and being so mean but she will be grieving so it is probably not really directed at your sister. It’s sad for everyone.

ProperVexed · 14/07/2019 18:42

Your sister was absolutely right. It has given her FIL some joy in his final months. Difficult times for all though. Wishing them all peace.

mumsie8 · 14/07/2019 18:42

Her SIL is the only bitter and wicked cow in this aibu.

Original poster
ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:42

I would've thought it was nice for him to hear some positive news and to leave the world knowing his son and partner had conceived after trying for so long!

This is what my sister thought and I agree.
Her SIL is adamant that not ever meeting the baby will plunge him into a huge depression.

OP posts:
Sunshinelollypops01 · 14/07/2019 18:42

I think it was a lovely gesture.dont mean this in a bad way but Might give him the fight to live enough to meet his grandchild. Ive seen it happen

OddHoleySocks · 14/07/2019 18:42

Surely she'll be showing soon, so he'd figure it out eventually anyway...

Definitely not unreasonable

flouncyfanny · 14/07/2019 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milienhaus · 14/07/2019 18:43

If she’s 21 weeks pregnant I imagine he will notice the bump soon anyway, it’s difficult to keep a secret!

CodenameVillanelle · 14/07/2019 18:43

It would have been totally tragic if he died never knowing about his grandchild. She's barmy (but grieving, so cut her a tiny bit of slack)

SleepingStandingUp · 14/07/2019 18:44

Is her SIL her Fil's daughter or dil? She's ittey unreasonable (SIL not your lovely sister) but could she has misunderstood the "and Dad burst into tears"?

If thry hadn't told him, what would be the plan if lasts another month and she pops and is obviously pregnant? And least he can enjoy this news for as long as he has.

SaveKevin · 14/07/2019 18:44

My mum regretted not telling her dad she was pregnant before he died. She thought he’d ‘hang’ on to meet the baby.

Of course it was the right thing to do and I’m sure although he may not meet the baby he is happy and relieved it’s finally happening

Jeschara · 14/07/2019 18:45

Glad for your sister. She was not in the wrong. Father in law was pleased and happy.
I will give her sil the benefit of the dought as she is grieving, but she is wrong though.

londonrach · 14/07/2019 18:46

Op....your sister did totally the right thing. She made a dying man vvvv happy. By the way i work with people like your fil. Your sister just given her fil a reason to live as long as he can and fight as hard as he can. He might yet meet his grandchild. You be surprised how often this sort of thing happens and how long someone can fight for. Trying not to give you false hope but this been the best news ever for her mil and fil. If fil doesnt make it he knows he has a grandchild on the way that mil will enjoy getting to know during a difficult time. Xx

Cherrysoup · 14/07/2019 18:46

Her sil is clearly batshit.

Sceptre86 · 14/07/2019 18:47

Depends on how he looks at it and from what you have said he is happy to be having a grandchild even if he doesn't get to meet him or her. It was totally up to your sister and oh to make the call and I think it was a lovely announcement. The sil is probably going through a hard time (losing her dad?) So I would probably just ignore her for now. The news of someone expecting a child is always joyous even more so when it is your own family! Hope your sister has a happy healthy pregnancy ahead of her. Tell her not to dwell on sils horrible comments.

peony2325 · 14/07/2019 18:47

I think it is a lovely thing for your sister to do and completely appalling behaviour from her SIL grieving or not. Hopefully it will help her MIL to have something positive to focus on in the coming months too.

mumsie8 · 14/07/2019 18:47

But i am sorry for the upsetting situation they all find themselves in now too. Flowers

SummerHouse · 14/07/2019 18:47

People process grief in different ways. Sounds like SIL is very angry. Totally unfair to vent that on a lovely, well meant and well received telling of this news.

Redglitter · 14/07/2019 18:48

On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard

I think that's confirmation that she did the right thing. His reaction sounds lovely.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/07/2019 18:48

The SIL is a cow. What is so wrong with giving a dying man something happy and good to focus on?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/07/2019 18:49

Is the SIL worried that the will might be changed to accomodate the new baby?