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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

169 replies

ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:38

My sister has had a really difficult time getting pregnant (she has been trying since she was 26 and is now 41) and I’m thrilled to say she is now 21 weeks pregnant. She has been so graceful and lovely through my many pregnancies, along with our other siblings and all of her friends having children over the years but I know it was torture for her. I can’t begin to understand how strong she is.

Sadly her FIL is dying of leukaemia and now only has a few months to live, they are certain he will never meet his grandchild which is obviously very sad.
On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard. Much crying ensued but my sister was sure it was a positive announcement for all 4 people in the room.

Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby. She really laid into my poor sister calling her “wicked”, “a bitter cow” and lots of other awful insults.

So I suppose the question is in the title?
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 14/07/2019 21:01

I think it's absolutely lovely- and if I may make a suggestion? Book a 3D/4D scan and take FIL along. The detail is incredible and it will let him 'meet' his grandchild if he's well enough. Those scans are nothing on the nhs ones.

student26 · 14/07/2019 21:04

My FIL died a few weeks ago. My partner and I made sure to tell him he was going to be a Grandfather again and his face just lit up. He was so happy. We booked an early scan so he could see a picture of his grandchild but he sadly died the day before we had it. I’m just so glad we gave him the news before he passed away.

plasterboots · 14/07/2019 21:10

@student26 oh that's so sad, but at least he died with the knowledge a new baby was due. I hope you and DH are ok. Thanks

GrasswillbeGreener · 14/07/2019 21:17

My uncle was told that my sister was pregnant not long before he died, and was also thrilled. (There were very good reasons why she had been expected to have serious fertility problems, her now 3 children are all miracles!)

Katebob22 · 14/07/2019 21:26

Your sister didn’t do anything wrong. However, I do feel for her sil who is losing her dad. She was horrible but she’s grieving. Your sister was lovely to cut her some slack. I hope you do too.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 14/07/2019 21:29

I think your sister did a lovely thing. Her sil has not behaved well. Irrespective of whether her dd is dying that’s not the way to behave. I bet she wouldn’t speak to her dbro like that.

Jent13c · 14/07/2019 21:30

I nursed a man at a hospice who waited for his ivf baby granddaughter to be born. He did incredibly well considering how advanced his cancer was. The baby was born and at the end of that week he said "I'm done now, I'll go on Tuesday". His condition hadn't changed in 2 months so we expected him to probably have at least another month left but over that weekend he became bed bound and very much end stage. Died on the Tuesday morning as he planned.

purplecorkheart · 14/07/2019 21:33

I am sure her father in law was thrilled to hear their news. I know by dgf was overjoyed to hear my uncle and wife were expecting when he was terminally ill. He even dicated a note to the baby to let her know how much he loved her.

I think his gaughter is finding everything overwhelming and is lashing out. Totally irrationally but she is probably struggling to cope and this is going outside the narrative she was expecting.

HeadintheiClouds · 14/07/2019 21:41

That’s a very moving post, Jent. Mind over matter is an incredible thing.

ReggaetonLente · 14/07/2019 21:46

My dad died was I was 7 months pregnant and my unborn DD was a source of great joy to him right to the end.

Make sure your sister looks after herself though. Caring for a dying relative and then grieving while heavily pregnant/ looking after a newborn is incredibly difficult, I wouldn't wish it on anyone x

Morticiaismystyleicon · 14/07/2019 21:46

My mum died when I was young-ish, 20 so old enough for a pregnancy to be ok and I was with DH then although before he became DH. I think when she was ill she'd have loved to hear such news, she would have known my dad would have something to look forward to and something happy to happen once she had gone. There were 3 grandchildren already so not the first but it would have been very comforting for her I think to know that I were to have my first (the others are my siblings' children) and that both I and my dad would have something good and happy when she was gone. After I'd left I've no doubt she would have been upset that she wasn't meeting this child and that she'd miss out, also that I'd have had to deal with her death around what should have been such a lovely time. So if the SIL were a nice woman I could maybe see why she'd been upset and lashed out if she'd heard that. But as you say she isn't and is quite controlling your dsis is right to just repeat what she's said, know that she's delivered very good news at what is probably a conflicting time for the PIL and that she's probably given them a great deal of happiness but that it will obviously be tinged with sadness for all involved. DS H because he'll have his first longed for child shortly after his DF's death, MIL will have a new arrival but be dealing with the death of her DH and FIL will want to stay and know the baby but he can't. Your Dsis should carry on as she has to SIL as she sounds like she's got it all on board.

TroubleWithNargles · 14/07/2019 21:59

My mum died after a long illness while dh and I were trying (and failing) to conceive. I would have given anything to have been able to tell her in her last days that she would become a grandma. It wasn't to be.

A few days before she died she said to me "I wish I was a grandma" and it broke my heart Sad

SunshineCake · 14/07/2019 21:59

I was told my nana was dying and the chances were she wouldn't survive to hear I'd given birth. She 'new I was pregnant so I told her he was going to be a boy and what his name would be. She was very happy to know this news and it's a comfort to me she knew. Baby was born just over a week after she died.

SIL is being a spiteful bitch.

AllFourOfThem · 14/07/2019 22:01

I’m so pleased your sister is pregnant and I hope the next 20ish weeks go well for her. I don’t think she was BU at all to tell her FIL.

HeadintheiClouds · 14/07/2019 22:02

Oh God, Trouble, that wasn’t something she should have burdened you with Flowers

AllFourOfThem · 14/07/2019 22:07

FIL is dying. He has 3 grandchildren. His son and DIL tell him that she is pregnant. He says it is the best news he has ever heard.
Can you not understand how hurt his daughter must have felt hearing her dying father saying that? He already has 3 GC who don't seem to count as much as this 4th anticipated GC.

At what point does him being thrilled that his son and DIL are finally having a baby after 15 years of trying mean that his existing three grandchildren don’t mean as much to him? After one of my children died, the next pregnancy I had was the one I wanted most of all but that child is loved equally. Just because one person’s specific pregnancy is better news than another has no bearing at all on how much other children are loved in comparison.

User8888888 · 14/07/2019 22:08

I told a relative I was pregnant a few days before he died. He was delighted and it brought some genuine joy to an otherwise shitty situation. I wouldn’t have changed what I did for the world.

HeadintheiClouds · 14/07/2019 22:09

Very well put, AllFour

bengalcat · 14/07/2019 22:14

That must surely be the best news ever to know after so many years of hope that she’s finally having a baby hence his happiness .

mumof2nearly3 · 14/07/2019 22:15

My Dad died when I was pregnant with my eldest. I had had a 12 week miscarriage before my pregnancy with her that had caused my parents a lot of distress. I was only about six weeks pregnant but decided to tell him and my Mum. A few days later he unexpectedly deteriorated quickly and died within 24 hours. I was so grateful I had told him and often think of how I would really have regretted deciding to wait a bit longer. My daughter has a middle name that is an attachment to him and I know he would have loved her. So I think your sister has done completely the right thing.

Original poster
ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 22:18

AllFourOfThem

I very much agree with your post.

OP posts:
GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 14/07/2019 22:33

Oh @LondonJax the story of the bracelet just made me well up, that's so lovely and so sad at the same time.

Newbootsandpanties · 14/07/2019 23:39

Who says he won't be around when the baby is born? I've known several people who have greatly out lived any doctors prediction of life expectancy. There may be a 'due' date but there certainly isn't an 'end' date and even if there were neither are fixed. Bit arbitrary anyway, baby may not be born but it's real, it's loved, it's already in the world just not yet out and about.

VampirateQueen · 15/07/2019 00:56

Your sister did the right thing OP, depending on how much fight he has left in him, it gives him something to fight that bit longer for, there are many stories of grandparents hanging on to see their GC just before they die, nothing is written in stone and they don't know he wont see the baby before he dies.
This may be outing but when my DP's found out they were having me, he said he would see me born, christened and my first birthday, he saw all 3 and died not long after my birthday.

TheSerenDipitY · 15/07/2019 02:08

maybe this information will in fact boost him and give him a bit more fight and determination to keep going until he meets his new grandchild, maybe this grandchild will give him months more than he expects, and maybe this grandchild will be a miracle and help him survive years longer... you never know... the mind and body can do amazing things and this might be the thing that gives him the will to fight...

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