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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

169 replies

ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:38

My sister has had a really difficult time getting pregnant (she has been trying since she was 26 and is now 41) and I’m thrilled to say she is now 21 weeks pregnant. She has been so graceful and lovely through my many pregnancies, along with our other siblings and all of her friends having children over the years but I know it was torture for her. I can’t begin to understand how strong she is.

Sadly her FIL is dying of leukaemia and now only has a few months to live, they are certain he will never meet his grandchild which is obviously very sad.
On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard. Much crying ensued but my sister was sure it was a positive announcement for all 4 people in the room.

Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby. She really laid into my poor sister calling her “wicked”, “a bitter cow” and lots of other awful insults.

So I suppose the question is in the title?
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

OP posts:
plasterboots · 14/07/2019 20:06

Can you not understand how hurt his daughter must have felt hearing her dying father saying that? He already has 3 GC who don't seem to count as much as this 4th anticipated GC.
There is nothing wrong in telling him about the pregnancy. But the people saying SIL is a twat have no fucking empathy at all.

Ridiculous comment, of course he didn't mean that, he meant that things were complete now, everyone had their child or child on the way and he could die a happier man.

That's some fucked up thinking to say the other three weren't important, it wouldn't of mattered which one it was that was the one that had taken so long to come along, it made everything complete for him.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 14/07/2019 20:08

Why would anyone infer that the arrival of a fourth grandchild renders the previous three pointless? What an awful way to think about the precious joy of people in love having a baby.

Purpleartichoke · 14/07/2019 20:08

My mom died about a year ago and one aspect of my grief has been the anonymity of her death. There were no headlines. There were no loving tributes in the national media. In fact, there is actually very little record of her existence. Documents for birth, marriage, and death. School and medical records archived in some giant warehouse. Some family photos that we must continue to think about maintaining lest they be lost to decay.

Really, all most of us leave behind is our progeny. We leave behind the children we raised and the children they will raise after us.

She gave your Fil an amazing gift.

Weepingwillows12 · 14/07/2019 20:09

I don't think your sister is wrong at all and fil was happy. However, unless there's a huge backstory and history of being difficult, then those calling sil a cow are harsh too. Her dad is dying. Maybe she is off on this but sounds like she's panicked about everything and wanting to make sure everything is controlled around her dad.
And to be honest fil is probably a bit sad he will never meet the baby! That doesn't stop him being really happy too. Cut her some slack too.

cabingirl · 14/07/2019 20:09

SIL is not vile or a bitch - she's terribly sad and grief stricken about her dying father.

Your sister sounds very kind and gracious. Tell her not to take it to heart but that grief makes people act in a heightened emotional state and they will say things they don't really mean.

When my Mum was dying of cancer she had quite a few moments in her final weeks where she was distraught that she wouldn't get to see my daughter grow us (she was 2 at the time) - of course she was also thrilled that she'd had 2 years with her and was happy that I had a family of my own and something to focus on and not just my grief for her.

It's possible that after your sister went home that FIL did have a sad spell thinking about what he will miss - but it doesn't mean he wasn't pleased to know or that it was the right thing to do.

SIL is feeling helpless in the face of this illness she can't stop and is transferring that anger anywhere else.

Give it time - FIL may have some sad moments - about all the DGC he will not get to see grow. And he may also be able to express joy for his son as well.

I think your sister sounds so kind and lovely that she will be able to find enough compassion for SIL to get through this and I think in time - SIL will regret that outburst and feel a lot of remorse - if she doesn't already.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 14/07/2019 20:10

I think your sister did the right thing.

However, neither you or see knows if maybe mil has confided in her daughter that she is worried it will send into a depression, or maybe she saw her dad having a cry about the fact that he wont see the baby.

I think the sil was wrong, but her dad is dying and there may have been something happen that tipped her over the edge stress wise.

You sister sounds lively with her response and I am sure she will move past this. I have nursed a dying relative, not a parent. And the stress was unbelievable. I didn't start grieving until 3 years after he died. I do remember being stressed of someone upset him. Even if they didnt mean to.

Thankfully I never had a go at anyone. But the stress of trying to deal with the situation was immense and people upsetting my relative just caused further stress.

Again, your sister was right to tell him and sil is wrong. I would give her a bit of slack though.

mcmooberry · 14/07/2019 20:11

OMG I literally have no words to describe what I think about her SIL! I told my mum that my fiancé (now DH) was going to have a vasectomy reversal 2 days before she died (wasn't expecting her to die 2 days later) and when she died I honestly thought "Thank you God" that I had told her as she was so happy I might be a mother. Your sister's FIL will be nothing but happy with this news!

WhatsInAName19 · 14/07/2019 20:12

Bloody hell some of the posters on this thread are absolute horrors. This woman is losing her dad. Of course she wants to make sure his last days are as happy as possible. She's totally wrong and I'm sure that your sister's news was music to his ears, but grief does funny things to people. We all have to face it at some point sadly, so it's a shame that so many are incapable of any empathy. She's been called a "vile cow", a "stupid bitch", "unhinged" and all sorts besides. Absolutely disgraceful and says FAR more about those PPs than it does this grieving woman.

cabingirl · 14/07/2019 20:13

Also - she may be taking on a lot of the emotional burden and stress to support her mother and father during this - if you haven't nursed someone through the end of life due to a terminal illness it's very hard to understand just how brutal it is.

I'm still pretty traumatised by the whole thing six years later.

Whatafackinliberty · 14/07/2019 20:13

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ginghamtablecloths · 14/07/2019 20:14

It is always good to hear something positive and maybe he will live long enough to see the new baby. I hope he says as much to SIL.

Iflyaway · 14/07/2019 20:15

Your SIL is a bitch. Sorry to be blunt.

So happy for your sister and I bet your FiL is thrilled for her!

jennymanara · 14/07/2019 20:16

Also if your FIL is closer to his daughter, she may have seen something different. My SIL and DB would insist how much my gran loved the GCs visiting when she was dying. My mum had to intervene and say she was no longer well enough to cope with young kids visiting. When my SIL brought the kids my gran would pretend to be pleased to see them for their sake, but as soon as they were gone she would be exhausted and say it was too much for her.

Yabbers · 14/07/2019 20:16

We told FIL, knowing he may not be there to see his grandchild. It was absolutely the right thing to do. We also got a 4d gender scan so he knew what we were having. He thanked us for doing it. As it went, he met her a couple of times before he died, which was lovely.

MamaMumMama · 14/07/2019 20:19

She made a dying man happy there is nothing unreasonable about that! If sil has a problem she should've privately spoken to her brother not shouted at your sister.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 14/07/2019 20:22

Some people cannot handle grief, it makes them say really awful hurtful stuff. I’ve had this directed at my family recently. Best to leave them to it tbh, she will eventually realise she’s been awful. Or SIL is jealousy...

PinkCrayon · 14/07/2019 20:23

I am on the fence with this one although I dont agree at all with her insulting you but having a terminal father is a really awful thing to have to deal with, and I am not sure I would have told my father myself if I was pregnant when he was dying through fear of him being upset he wasnt going to meet the baby so I can see her view there.

81Byerley · 14/07/2019 20:24

I strongly believe she did the right thing. I lost my brother to cancer three years ago. He understood that life goes on. He was delighted to hear good news of his family, as I'm sure your sister's father in law is. My own husband has cancer. He wouldn't be depressed to hear that a new grandchild was going to be born, even if there was little chance he would meet that child. He would be happy that I would have something good to look forward to at an awful time in my life.

Littletabbyocelot · 14/07/2019 20:24

Until my dad died, the only relatives I'd lost had been ready to die (in one case, suffering with a brain tumour, desperate). Nothing had prepared me for how much my dad was grieving, for his life and for all of us. He wanted good news, to be a part of things, to know we'd be OK. But it also broke his heart because he wanted to be with us. We were each losing one person, he was losing everyone. So it's perfectly possible that as happy as your sister's new made him, he also became deeply upset by it. It's frightening, and horrible and helpless to watch someone you love face death in fear and grief. And you just want someone to blame. So I get where SIL was coming from. It doesn't make it right but hopefully she will figure it out and be sorry and your sister is forgiving.

voddiekeepsmesane · 14/07/2019 20:24

Apart from anything how is she supposed to hide a growing bump....while I can sympathise with the SIL she is being a bit nasty IMO

MissMarianHalcombe · 14/07/2019 20:27

This happened to me.
My FIL was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and 3 months later I fell pregnant with my first DS, and the first DGC on both sides. We never even considered not telling my ILS.
With the prognosis we expected not to have FIL with us at the time of the birth, but he lived to see his first DGS.
The photo of my DS on his lap remains on MILs bedroom wall 20 years and several house moves later.
MIL still says it was a driver in keeping FIL fighting until the end.
Still makes me well up thinking about it
Your sister did the right thing

PinkCrayon · 14/07/2019 20:28

Littletabbyocelot sums it up better than I did I can totally relate to her post.

saraclara · 14/07/2019 20:28

Grief does weird things to people.

Your sister did nothing wrong, and her FIL was delighted at the news. Yes, I suppose he might have had a sad moment later, but even if he did, it was still the right thing for her to do.
Your sister handled the response to her SIL brilliantly.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/07/2019 20:37

Good god!! Seriously??!! I mean, seriously??? What an absolutely awful thing to say!! Awful. And also, completely and utterly bonkers!! Her fil must be thrilled for his son and her! Would he not notice that she was pregnant over the next few weeks anyway? In which case wouldn't he feel upset over them withholding their news? Besides which, the birth is only four months away. It may just give him something to live for!

fairislecable · 14/07/2019 21:01

My mother was told two days before she died that she was going to have a grandson - she was thrilled and she then told every visitor about this marvellous news.

I know if I was dying such news of a new life would fill me with joy.