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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

169 replies

ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:38

My sister has had a really difficult time getting pregnant (she has been trying since she was 26 and is now 41) and I’m thrilled to say she is now 21 weeks pregnant. She has been so graceful and lovely through my many pregnancies, along with our other siblings and all of her friends having children over the years but I know it was torture for her. I can’t begin to understand how strong she is.

Sadly her FIL is dying of leukaemia and now only has a few months to live, they are certain he will never meet his grandchild which is obviously very sad.
On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard. Much crying ensued but my sister was sure it was a positive announcement for all 4 people in the room.

Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby. She really laid into my poor sister calling her “wicked”, “a bitter cow” and lots of other awful insults.

So I suppose the question is in the title?
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 14/07/2019 19:28

The SIL is probably heartbroken that her dad is unlikely to see the baby and is probably wondering how he’s going to be affected by the news. She shouldn’t have spoken to the OP like that though.

Lovely news for your sister OP.

Butchyrestingface · 14/07/2019 19:29

What has your sister's relationship been like previously with the SiL? Is this behaviour a sudden bolt from the blow.

Curious that she thinks giving a dying man good news is unacceptable but deliberately going out of your way to upset a pregnant woman who's spent 15 years trying to get into that state is A-ok, the cow.

evianskin · 14/07/2019 19:33

I thinks he did the right thing - it makes no sense to keep good news like that a secret. Not sure if this is only done in the movies but maybe FIL could record some video message for babies milestones so although baby won't ever have met him, he'd know how much he loved him

BlueThesaurusRex · 14/07/2019 19:35

I understand SILs grief but your sister did absolutely the right thing. I second everything thing mumwon said.

MadCap · 14/07/2019 19:37

My husband's dgm was in hospital dying and I was hugely pregnant with her great grandson. She was so peaceful when we went to say goodbye and had her hand on my bump. It was touching to see her have something to smile about. As it was, ds was born the day of her funeral. Obviously, dh and I missed it, but my really sweet mil said that it took alot of the sting out of the day for her.

dentydown · 14/07/2019 19:37

You may find that FIL will hang on until the baby is born then slip away a couple of weeks later. This is what happened to my mum!
But no, she wasn’t in the wrong.

Somersetlady · 14/07/2019 19:41

Your sister did nothing wrong and what exciting times for her!

Rationally I’m sure SIl knows this

Lashing out at people when dealing with grief is very common and wanting to protect a dying father from pain, albeit misguided, is natural and if your sister can not take it personally then it would help everybody involved.

DeaflySilence · 14/07/2019 19:41

Is your sister's FIL blind?

If not, does your sister's SIL think your sister's FIL is blind?

Obviously you are not BU, nor was your sister in telling her FIL the wonderful news!

Original poster
ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 19:42

What has your sister's relationship been like previously with the SiL? Is this behaviour a sudden bolt from the blow.

They have never been buddy buddy but they are certainly friendly. SIL has been known to throw her toys out of the pram if she isn’t consulted on everything. She was particularly outraged that they waited until 21 weeks to announce. My sister has had a lot of bleeding and was terrified to talk about it until this point.

OP posts:
IckleWicklePumperNickle · 14/07/2019 19:42

When we nursed my MIL in her final 3 months. She loved having the grandchildren pottering about. She lived in our sitting room and the end in a hospital bed.
She wanted everything to be normal and for us to continue our lives as normal around her. She got great joy in things being joyful.
Your FIL would cherish this amazing news.
SIL is one of the biggest dicks.

TheletterZ · 14/07/2019 19:43

I can see how ‘the best news I’ve ever heard’ must be hard to hear when he already has 3 grandchildren, who hopefully were all equally welcomed.
Families are complex things and there is often resentment bubbling underneath, plus add on the grief and she lashed out.

Cassns1 · 14/07/2019 19:44

it is a sad situation but I think you're sister is in no way in the wrong on this. Especially seeing as they have been tried for so long for a baby. Your Dsis and her husband's parents would have been delighted with their news. It is sad that he will probably not be around when the baby is born, but it may help him fight on. Her sis in law was nasty but probably upset for and about her father. Your sister handled it really well.

xJune88 · 14/07/2019 19:46

I lost my dad last year after a miscarriage, I told him I was pregnant and he said he could now die happy. SIL has no idea. YANBU at all, Beautiful news xx

Windygate · 14/07/2019 19:47

I lost a very close friend to cancer not so very long ago. Whilst in the end stages his DS & DIL realised they were expecting. They told their Dad and he was utterly thrilled for them. Sadly he didn't live to meet his DGC but he knew about them.

SecretNutellaFix · 14/07/2019 19:52

I'm going to be cynical and say that your sisters SIL is jealous and absolutely fuming that her children will no longer be the only grandchildren.

It sounds like she likes being the child who "gave them his only grandchildren", and now that's not true.

Hanab · 14/07/2019 19:54

The SIL is a twat 🤷🏻‍♀️

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/07/2019 19:55

Your DS was absolutely right to tell him. Let there be a little joy among the sorrow everyone is facing. As for SIL, sounds like she has form for being unpleasant so it can’t just be put down to grief.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/07/2019 19:56

Of course she did the right thing. He may well get to meet the baby, but even if he doesn't, he will go knowing his son and dil have their greatest wish.

Minxmumma · 14/07/2019 19:57

SIL is being unbelievably cruel and unkind. Her own emotions are clouding her judgement and hopefully she will realise this in time.
Yes it is bitter sweet for FIL but it is a beautiful star in the darkness and something to hold on to.

My dm is terminal and we have months not years but she is still helping plan her grandchildrens 18th next year knowing she might not make it, but wanting it to be amazing none the less. It gives her a focus point.

ilovecherries · 14/07/2019 19:59

I became pregnant at 39 after years of infertility/miscarriage, at the same time as my grandma was dying. Because of an inherited condition we knew we wouldn’t know till a 20 week amnio if we would continue with the pregnancy even if it ‘stuck’ so my DH and I had decided we’d keep it quiet till we had the amnio results. Given the changed circumstances we decided we would go ahead and tell my parents, his parents, and my grandma (the last of her generation) even though I was only 10 weeks. We spoke to my dad about it first, and he felt it would help everyone to know. My grandma was beyond happy for us, and my mum said that it also gave her great comfort as she was losing her mum to think of a grandchild coming. FWIW, I think your sister did exactly the right thing, and I hope the rest of her pregnancy goes well.

jennymanara · 14/07/2019 20:00

I think there is a total lack of reading comprehension on this thread and a total lack of empathy.
FIL is dying. He has 3 grandchildren. His son and DIL tell him that she is pregnant. He says it is the best news he has ever heard.
Can you not understand how hurt his daughter must have felt hearing her dying father saying that? He already has 3 GC who don't seem to count as much as this 4th anticipated GC.
There is nothing wrong in telling him about the pregnancy. But the people saying SIL is a twat have no fucking empathy at all.

KurriKurri · 14/07/2019 20:01

Like a PP, I have known two people who have been in this situation and in both cases, the dying parents somehow hung on until the babay arrived then slipped quietly away, I don't know how that works, but it sometimes does. Whatever the case with you sisters FIL, he has said he is thrilled and that is what matters. Obviously if your DSIS is 21 wks, then she will very soon be showing, and I'm sure her FIL would have been desperately hurt tot hink the news was kept from him because he is dying.
The idea of life going on, and your family continuing to grow and live happy lives is comforting for people in the last stages of life.

plasterboots · 14/07/2019 20:03

Her FIL is dying, she can't stop that but he is dying a happier man. Please please try and make sure she's not upset by this.

higherforce · 14/07/2019 20:03

Absolutely the right thing to do. I think, to be honest, - and I know this is a generalisation - but I think the next generation thing gives comfort to the dying. FIL will have a bit of him in the new baby. How lovely is that!

Patroclus · 14/07/2019 20:04

Shes talking complete crap. Is she one who likes to control big events by any chance?

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