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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

169 replies

ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:38

My sister has had a really difficult time getting pregnant (she has been trying since she was 26 and is now 41) and I’m thrilled to say she is now 21 weeks pregnant. She has been so graceful and lovely through my many pregnancies, along with our other siblings and all of her friends having children over the years but I know it was torture for her. I can’t begin to understand how strong she is.

Sadly her FIL is dying of leukaemia and now only has a few months to live, they are certain he will never meet his grandchild which is obviously very sad.
On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard. Much crying ensued but my sister was sure it was a positive announcement for all 4 people in the room.

Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby. She really laid into my poor sister calling her “wicked”, “a bitter cow” and lots of other awful insults.

So I suppose the question is in the title?
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

OP posts:
crankysaurus · 14/07/2019 19:04

Congratulations to your sister and yes that was a lovely thing to do.

Rachelover40 · 14/07/2019 19:04

Your sister did the right thing, who knows, her father in law may perk up and live long enough to see his new grandchild but whatever happens, the news would have made him happy.

Sister in law will get over this, people think and say all sorts of weird and irrational things when they are facing bereavement.

BelleSausage · 14/07/2019 19:04

I think your sister handled it brilliantly. I’m hoping the SIL will feel very red faced about it all in the months to come.

Or she is a total bitch and it is no loss not to be on good terms with her.

McShakey · 14/07/2019 19:06

Your sister definitely did the right thing, what has her husband said about it?

Loveislandaddict · 14/07/2019 19:07

I think your sister did the right thing.

You say that fil,has a few months to live, so he may live to see the birth of the baby.

He’s probalby thrilled that sister and son are going to be parents.

ALittleBitAlexis · 14/07/2019 19:07

I think it would be far more cruel to treat him like he’s already dead and not let him know. It’s probably given him a sense of peace, that he knows his son is getting the family he’s wanted for so long.

As PPs have said it’s probably the SIL’s grief talking, hopefully your BIL can have a word with her.

Helenluvsrob · 14/07/2019 19:10

She’s 21 weeks now. He’s going to notice😂. Anyway he’s said it’s the best news , and it is, even if he never gets to meet the grandchild he knows of it.
They can go and have 4D scan so he can meet the baby and if he does better than predicted her team might induce at 36-37 weeks to allow him to meet baby( I’ve heard of it before), or their maybe medical reasons to bring birth forward anyway .

LollyBmummy3 · 14/07/2019 19:12

She did a lovely thing. He himself agrees, that’s all that matters. He may never meet baby, but he knows he/she is on their way after a mammoth wait. He can see scan pics, see the nursery and know babies name. You never know it could give him that little bit extra ooomph to wait to meet baby. As for your sisters sis in law, she’s hurting and lashing out. She probably a little jealous she couldn’t give him wonderful news to lift his spirits. She’ll no doubt apologise in time. Hopefully your sis can shrug this off and continue to enjoy her long awaited pregnancy. Congrats to your sis & hubby!

INeedAFlerken · 14/07/2019 19:14

The SIL is a vile cow to say such things. I'm sure FIL is thrilled to know he will have another grandchild in the family.

DadDadDad · 14/07/2019 19:17

Do your MIL or FIL know that your SIL is saying these things? The worry is that FIL dies and then forever after, she peddles this line with no-one able to contradict her.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 14/07/2019 19:17

When i voted yanbu there were 475 votes all saying the same, and not a single one saying yabu.

There is only one bitter cow in all this.

RandomMess · 14/07/2019 19:17

Your sister is one amazing lady, her SIL an utter cow. She probably thought your DSis shows have asked permission to tell PIL...

StillWaitingForYou · 14/07/2019 19:18

It would be strange not to announce it. He could live longer than expected.

HeadintheiClouds · 14/07/2019 19:19

Of course she wasn’t wrong. I’ll bet he was charmed by the news.

jennymanara · 14/07/2019 19:21

OP I would try to be kind to SIL. Having a terminally ill parent is shit and she will be having a very difficult time. So try not get hung up on small stuff like this, forgive and move on.

DuMondeB · 14/07/2019 19:22

My mum died of cancer when my sister was pregnant. Can’t imagine keeping that happy news from my beautiful mum.

YANBU.

TheInvestigator · 14/07/2019 19:22

I've seen cancer payment who were considered to be already out the door then just hang on because of things like this. Sheer determination to see someone get married or meet the new baby. People can hang on through stubbornness for things like that. Maybe it will give him more time, maybe it won't but telling him was absolutely the right thing to do.

Drum2018 · 14/07/2019 19:22

SIL is a stupid bitch. Your sister can't hide the bump. Was she expected to say she'd eaten a few too many kebabs? It's lovely news for her inlaws and every parent wants the best for their kids so this will most likely mean the world to FIL - to know that his son and DIL have had their dream come true by having a much awaited baby. Tell your sister not to entertain any more nonsense from SIL.

jennymanara · 14/07/2019 19:22

And it may be that she is actually distraught that her father will not live long enough to meet his grandchild. She knows he is dying, but sometimes news like this makes it even more real.

ShellieEllie · 14/07/2019 19:22

She's jealous

cloudyinjune · 14/07/2019 19:23

It happens so often that a loved one passes away and a baby is born. Circle of life and all that and a lovely positive thought for FIL to hold on to.
I wish I could tell my dad that I had children, he died never knowing

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 14/07/2019 19:23

From your further information about the SIL I suspect her real issue is that your sister and her DH did something without telling the SIL first and getting her permission to tell the PIL. I think your sister has handled it perfectly by not getting drawn into an argument.

LondonJax · 14/07/2019 19:24

I have a small on line shop and had a lady contact me to make something for her husband to give to their first grandchild.

Similar to your story, he was ill with cancer and he'd been told he had weeks. He'd found out the grandchild was going to be a girl so he wanted a bracelet made for her.

I got the bracelet made in double quick time and shipped off to her.

I had an email a couple of months later saying that the bracelet arrived in the middle of the week. He was in a hospice by then. He gave the bracelet to his daughter, for his (not yet born grandaughter) with a letter explaining that, although he couldn't be with her in person, he had chosen the bracelet especially for her so he could be with her always.

He died two days later. Broke my heart to read it but I was so glad I was able to help fulfil his wishes.

Your Dsis did the right thing. He'll have a chance to plan this way, if he wants to.

QueenBeex · 14/07/2019 19:24

Definitely was the right thing for your sister to of done.

mumwon · 14/07/2019 19:26

FIL will be happy for her & her dh - it maybe a little bitter sweet for him but it will still be joyful news & another "arrow to the future" another part of him that will live on - sadly grief death & dying seem to cause division among family rather than bringing them closer - mostly because - I think - of misunderstanding. SIL is wrong but she grieving, best not to think the worst of her it is destructive for peoples peace of mind - it is happy news & she was totally right to tell him