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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

169 replies

ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:38

My sister has had a really difficult time getting pregnant (she has been trying since she was 26 and is now 41) and I’m thrilled to say she is now 21 weeks pregnant. She has been so graceful and lovely through my many pregnancies, along with our other siblings and all of her friends having children over the years but I know it was torture for her. I can’t begin to understand how strong she is.

Sadly her FIL is dying of leukaemia and now only has a few months to live, they are certain he will never meet his grandchild which is obviously very sad.
On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard. Much crying ensued but my sister was sure it was a positive announcement for all 4 people in the room.

Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby. She really laid into my poor sister calling her “wicked”, “a bitter cow” and lots of other awful insults.

So I suppose the question is in the title?
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 14/07/2019 18:49

Has he changed the will accordingly by any chance? Might explain Sil’s reaction.

Echobelly · 14/07/2019 18:50

When people are dying I think in general they want to hear about life continuing without them! I am so happy that the last conversation I had with my grandmother was about me going to university and so on - she talked about visiting and we both knew that wasn't going to happen, but the conversation was lovely and meaningful.

Allfednonedead · 14/07/2019 18:50

Your DSis is not all BU, but I think it might be reasonable also to cut your SIL some slack, given that her DF is dying.
Not that she’s in any way right, but presumably she’s diverting her anger at the world and her father onto the nearest available target.
Does she have DC? Could that be part of the picture?
In all of this, congratulations and condolences!

SummerHouse · 14/07/2019 18:51

Would he rather know of a grandson he will never know, or never know of a grandson? I am trying to think why anyone would think it's kinder not to say.

Ginger1982 · 14/07/2019 18:51

Your sister was not wrong but her DH would be wrong if he didn't have a serious word with his sister (assuming that's the relationship).

Thecatisboss · 14/07/2019 18:53

Definitely not unreasonable and wonderful news when they are in such a sad situation.

In similar circumstances, I told my Gran I was pregnant at 7 weeks when we were told she had only days/weeks to live. It made her very happy as she knew we had been trying for 4 years (& had a miscarriage the year before).

It's something positive when things look dark.

Reallybadidea · 14/07/2019 18:53

The SIL has behaved very badly, but people do sometimes act strangely in the face of bereavement. I imagine your sister has known her FIl a very long time now and has got to know him well enough to know how he'd react to her news well enough to make the right judgement. Hopefully your sister won't take her SIL's horrible words to heart too much and not let this spoil things for her.

cccameron · 14/07/2019 18:54

Is the sil normally a complete bitch. Or is she struggling with her dad's diagnosis?

I presume your sisters DH backed her up and has let sil know she is massively out of order

flouncyfanny · 14/07/2019 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hardyloveit · 14/07/2019 18:54

Your sister didn't do anything wrong and presuming her partner was with her when they told his parents? Why hasn't the SIL said this to her own brother?
I told my dying dad and he managed to hold on until a week or so after baby was born and got to hold her etc! Sometimes people fight that extra bit when they have something to look forward to.... obviously doesn't always happen but it can! I work in palliative care and have seen it a few times
Hope you sister is okay!

TruJay · 14/07/2019 18:55

I don’t think your sis was wrong at all and her FIL clearly didn’t either which is all that matters.

When dh’s grandad had a huge heart attack and was passing away, all the family went to hospital and took it in turns to say their goodbyes. When it was our turn we were showing him current pics and videos of ds that he hadn’t yet seen, he couldn’t speak but was looking at me and dh and smiling. (We didn’t take ds in to see him as it was very distressing) we also told him that we were trying for another baby and he squeezed our hands tightly and gave us a huge smile.

I have no idea if anyone thought that was cruel to do but we certainly didn’t think it was, he was happy for us.

Your poor sister having that tirade of abuse regarding her wonderful news, I hope she has a wonderful pregnancy, huge congratulations to her Flowers

raspberryk · 14/07/2019 18:56

Her SIL sounds unhinged. Of course a dying man needs to know about his grandchild. Also how did they only say at 20 weeks that's crazy, surely they already noticed.
My nana was dying of cancer when I told her I was pregnant at 9 weeks, she hung around for 3 weeks after my son was born and got to meet him and hold him. First great grandchild, she was over the moon.

Original poster
ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 18:57

Yes her SIL is FIL’s daughter.
She has 3 children of her own.
I have no way of knowing if the will has or will be adapted but SIL is very independently wealthy (don’t we all know it) so I can’t imagine inheritance is an issue.

My sister rather sweetly told her something along the lines of “you’re going through a tough time, I don’t think we should have a family row at the moment.”
I expect the pressure of her father being so ill is a factor but she is also quite quick to snap if my sister (and other in laws) don’t live lives in the manner she would prefer.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 14/07/2019 18:57

My dad would have loved to hear news like that when he was dying. He was a determined man and probably would have hung on to see the child.

I am assuming this is your DHs sister. If so he needs to have a talk with her about this.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/07/2019 18:57

When DH was dying he'd have been delighted to hear of such good news within the family. Your DSis was absolutely right to share their joy.

Your SIL is the one being nasty. And it's all very well saying she's torn up with grief but that's not much of an excuse. I expect her DB is pretty upset too.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 14/07/2019 18:58

Does SIL have children? Do your FIL/MIL have any grandchildren already?

If the answer is no then she may be furious with your sister for giving them the (possibly first) grandchildren that she hasn't...

IggyAce · 14/07/2019 18:58

She did the right thing. Many years ago my Dad’s uncle was over the moon to learn he was going to be a grandfather. His health was failing due to a long term issue and it was hoped he would make it to see his 1st grandchild, however he started going downhill so they hastily arrange a 3D scan unfortunately he died the day before the scan.
But knowing he was going to be a grandfather lifted his sprits and he tried to fight for a bit longer, maybe your sisters FIL will do the same.

RebootYourEngine · 14/07/2019 18:58

Sorry missed sister our of my post. Your sisters DHs husband.

LackOfAdhesiveDucks · 14/07/2019 19:00

People said similar to my cousin and his DP last year when my grandfather was ill. They told him about her pregnancy, his first great-grandchild, and he was ecstatic. Was he sad he’d never meet the baby, yes, but he was so so happy for them. As it is the baby shares my grandfather’s name and it will be nice to tell him that his namesake knew about him and was excited for his arrival when he is older. They were absolutely NBU to tell him just as your sister was NBU. What wonderful news.

diddl · 14/07/2019 19:00

"Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby."

I guess she also thinks that about her brother?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2019 19:01

He's probably had a little cry because he may not be able to meet the baby and it's upset her SIL.

Not a great reaction from her at all, but I would be mindful of the situation as a whole.

Lovely news at a very sad time is difficult for everyone.

MazDazzle · 14/07/2019 19:01

I echo previous posters: your sister has made a dying man very happy and baring in mind how far along she is, she wouldn’t be able to hide it for much longer anyway.

Grief does strange things to people though and her SIL is perhaps acting out of character at the moment at the prospect of losing her father.

Medicaltextbook · 14/07/2019 19:01

She was also telling her mother in law who presumably will be alive to meet her grandchild, so something to look forward to amid a very sad time.

countrygirl99 · 14/07/2019 19:02

I know of 2 people who, despite being given only a few weeks to live, hung on for months until they saw their grandchild and then died a few hours later. Not saying that's what will happen but just that you shouldn't hold off telling someone if it will make them happy.

Original poster
ScaryBunnyPainting · 14/07/2019 19:03

I guess she also thinks that about her brother?

Well you’d hope so, would you.
My sister’s husband is now away with work for a few days, hence my sister getting the brunt of it.

OP posts: