to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

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My sister has had a really difficult time getting pregnant (she has been trying since she was 26 and is now 41) and I’m thrilled to say she is now 21 weeks pregnant. She has been so graceful and lovely through my many pregnancies, along with our other siblings and all of her friends having children over the years but I know it was torture for her. I can’t begin to understand how strong she is.

Sadly her FIL is dying of leukaemia and now only has a few months to live, they are certain he will never meet his grandchild which is obviously very sad.
On Friday they told her MIL and FIL their news and they are both ecstatic, in fact her FIL said it was the best news he had ever heard. Much crying ensued but my sister was sure it was a positive announcement for all 4 people in the room.

Today she received a call from her SIL asking her how on earth she could do such a thing. She told her she was very selfish and that she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby. She really laid into my poor sister calling her “wicked”, “a bitter cow” and lots of other awful insults.

So I suppose the question is in the title?
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister wasn’t in the wrong to tell her dying FIL she is pregnant?

Maybe the FIL’s daughter is angry that the attention isn’t on her during the last of her dad’s dying days

she has “probably” broken her FIL’s heart because he will never meet your baby

Dying people don't lie there thinking " oh I'm not going to live long enough to see X Y or Z". They just don't. They are not "dying", they are actually "living" - every day they are living and enjoying every little bit of life, whether it's a nice cup of tea or a piece of good news about a baby.

Whether he lives to see the baby or not, doesn't matter. He got some nice news about a happy event , that's all that matters. This SIL is totally wrong - if you worked on her logic you'd never tell anybody anything, since we could all die tomorrow and not see the outcome.

Your sil is probably traumatised and not thinking straight. People often go a bit nuts when faced with the death of a parent.

Yanbu I would definitely want to know - I'd be delighted for my son and his wife, in this situation. It would be a weight off my mind, knowing they'd tried for so long.

Your SIL is probably grieving, grief can make you very angry - it doesn't excuse what she did, but it might explain it. She's caused so much more tension in an horrific situation. I hope she comes to her senses and apologises to your sister.

I think it's lovely and fil would have had a lift about it.
Sil probably can't think of anything positive to say to him. Green eyed monster maybe.
Congratulations to you all though and best wishes to fil and family.

Birdie6 actually some dying people are definitely thinking about the things they are going to miss. My Mum had a fast-growing cancer and knew she had between 1-6 months left to live.

She was devastated at her prognosis and it was incredibly hard for her to look at her granddaughter - my precious DD - and think about all the missed time. For both of them.

One day my DD (age 2) fell asleep next to my Mum - who didn't leave her bedroom for the last couple of months of her life. I walked into the bedroom to find my Mum quietly sobbing - she was ( in that moment) almost inconsolable thinking about missing her DGD growing up and not being a part of her life.

When you have months to live of course you think about the things you will miss and of course, it can make you sad.

It's not that hard to understand that if you are the SIL and your precious father is sobbing over a missed future and the unfairness of a shitty terminal illness (despite him being ALSO thrilled for the news of a new grandson) that you might react out of grief and stress and pressure trying desperately to be able to do something to protect your loved one when you can't do anything else.

cabingirl agree completely
When my Mam was dying she was devastated about leaving her children and grandchildren behind. She wasn’t living in the moment because she wasn’t ready to die.. bastard cancer 😥

She wasn't in the wrong.

My mother died whilst I was heavily pregnant with my youngest. Knowing that she wouldn't make the birth I told her that we were having a boy and what his name was going to be (we hadn't really announced a name for him at that point).

Now my mum was one that couldn't keep information to herself and I was surprised not to see his name announced on Facebook, but she told me that despite the fact she wouldn't hold him, he was so loved by her. It meant so much to me (and her).

On the day of the funeral, she had the last laugh as she managed to announce his name via her eulogy. I still smile when I think about how bloody cunning she could be 😂

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here.

I imagine your SIL’s outburst was fuelled by grief, anger at the unfairness of the situation and trying to protect her dad.

" Dying people don't lie there thinking " oh I'm not going to live long enough to see X Y or Z". They just don't. They are not "dying", they are actually "living" - every day they are living and enjoying every little bit of life, whether it's a nice cup of tea or a piece of good news about a baby. "

This is possibly the most naive post I have EVER read.
I am actually gobsmacked you think you know exactly what every terminal person thinks.
My dad was terminal he was given 6 months with a trial drug but died within 4months after being made very poorly from the reactions to the trial drugs.
My Dad was utterly GUTTED at not being able to see his grandchildren grow up. It broke his heart he would often sit there watching them play with tears in his eyes. He was only 53.
He couldnt sleep at night for fear of not waking up, it constantly played on his mind.

I remember him breaking down panicking when he was lieing in his hospital bed that he was going to loose us all the look in his eyes of panic was so tramatic as he cried.
To see a man who you adore who has been the strongest person you know your whole life crumble before your eyes is horrifying. Dont EVER presume you know what terminal people think you DON'T.

YANBU, this will have been a truly lovely thing for FIL to hear and I’m sure he’ll be absolutely thrilled.

DH’s Grandma died a week after we had our first scan with DS and knew he was probably going to survive. We’d had two missed miscarriages before which were discovered at the first scan so had no idea whether he’d be ok or not. His Grandma was certain to die soon and was incredibly ill but this news brought a huge smile to her face for the first time in weeks.

First instinct would say SIL is a Grade A Bitch
However, her DF is dying and that brings so many emotions . She didn't need to be so nasty though, verbally.
Re her FIL and MIL , if they are happy about the news (and I see it is bittersweet in the circumstances) don't see why their daughter can't be too.

I do feel for your sister though, who genuinely sounds a lovely person .I wish her and her impending baby well ,

She can tell her SIL to go fuck herself. Her news made her MIL and poor FIL very happy.

She was right to tell him. Partly because it means DF will know he has another grandchild, whether he meets them or not. And also because maybe, just maybe, it will give him the strength to hold on that little bit longer to meet the child.

@ispepsiok Your mum gets the all-time prize for posthumous point-scoring. Respect!

On an entirely practical point what does SIL expect her to do as she gets bigger. Just claim she’s putting in weight or upset FIL by not visiting. 🙄. SIL was being ridiculous. At that stage she’s going to start showing and her choices are limited.

The brother needs to speak to his sister and say we told, so why be so rude to just my wife. It didn’t break his heart, he said best news. He’s not dead yet and deserves to share our lovely news. Plus it’s kind of obvious due to bump. It is a difficult time but no need to act so horribly.

In all likelihood this is the grief talking and is more about the SIL being upset than her father. The realisation that he probably won’t live to see this child may have made it all hit home again for her too. Because she can’t blame anyone for him dying, she’s instead unfairly blaming the OP’s sister for ‘upsetting’ him. Hopefully she will be able to get some perspective and see how irrational this is.

SIL is also not being particularly practical - understandable at a time like this, but she needs to be realistic. Her father might not live to meet his grandchild, but he could well live another six or eight weeks - at which point concealing a pregnancy would be pretty much impossible. If OP’s sister suddenly ballooned at six months (which I’ve seen happen many times to women who looked like they’d barely gained a pound only weeks earlier) how would she and her husband have explained keeping it quiet? ‘We didn’t tell you because we didn’t think you’d live long enough’ would hardly be a comforting message.

OP’s sister and her husband did the right thing. FIL was clearly pleased, and knowing his son and daughter-in-law will finally get the child they’ve longed for could give him some real peace in his final days.

We had a similar situation with my dad who was dying of cancer when I was pregnant with my oldest. In the end I decided that if he had been healthy I wouldn’t have hesitated in sharing the biggest news of my life with him. I didn’t want cancer to change the way I behaved with him. It was a bittersweet moment that still makes me cry 30 years later but I know it bought some joy into his life alongside the heartbreak.

The SILs reaction was over the top and unreasonable and your sister was dignified and gracious in her response.