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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL stuffing her face at ours

336 replies

jamiecooks · 14/07/2019 10:15

I probably ABU BUT MIL driving me mad! She never has any food at hers (pleads poverty but that's a whole other story) - came to ours the other day to look after our baby (we pay her for doing this despite SIL having 5 years of free child care) and basically chomped through almost a whole packet of chocolate hobnobs. They were in a tub in the corner of a cupboard so she also obviously went looking for them.

Previously she'd also been in my cupboard and helped herself to the posh chocs my DH had bought me for my birthday! After that, I started having to hide nice food but didn't get chance to this time as her coming to ours was unexpected - logistical reasons which DH organised without telling me.

She's also previously looked at financial documents in our house (I know because something had been left out and moved and she is very nosy by her own admittance) and I had been doing a tax return the other day so had left out my folders with all my statements/payslips etc in at top of stairs to put away - had I known she was coming I'd have put it all away but I didn't know and when I got home it was clear she had been looking at it as docs were popping out of folder which weren't before, specifically my pay slip so she now presumably knows what I earn

AIBU?

OP posts:
WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 15/07/2019 21:51

your plumber is not quite the same as the mother of your husband...

Ontheboardwalk · 15/07/2019 21:54

Yeah a plumber is not your other half’s mother.

headlock · 15/07/2019 21:58

You don’t even have to lock a whole room, get a lockable filing cabinet. Big enough to hold box of biscuits!

GoFiguire · 15/07/2019 22:03

I want some hobnobs now Sad

ChangedNameForToday · 15/07/2019 22:05

Haven't read full thread, but I'd be peed off if someone ate all my Hobnobs, helped themselves to my posh chocs and looked through my documents.

Hobnobs are sacrosanct! Also who the hell eats more than 2 at a time?

Greedy, nosy MIL. YANBU.

Smiler88 · 15/07/2019 22:10

You should get food and snacks in for her, shes doing you a favour! YABU and sound very entitled. She might have looked after your SILs children for free, but shes told you she has no money so obviously needs paying. You should thank her not moan!

crispysausagerolls · 15/07/2019 22:12

It shows how MIL is not part of the family though, doesn’t it? Despite having DC for childcare! I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at my mother helping herself to food from my cupboard - why should MIL be any different?

Catinthetwat · 15/07/2019 22:27

If it were the other way around, you were house sitting for mil. Can you imagine eating her nice chocolates or jeez - going through her documents! I can't.

I would however, eat some of her hobnobs. Not all, but some. Grin

saraclara · 15/07/2019 22:34

I'm spending a few hours in my daughter's house tomorrow to be there when she some white goods delivered and connected (she'sll be at work). I won't even think of going in her cupboards and helping myself to anything (though going by past similar occasions, she'll leave treats out with a thank you note). And going through letters and doculment? Never.

HubbabubbaT · 15/07/2019 22:52

Speak to her outright. I know I'm not normally confrontational but she shouldn't be looking at payslips etc... If she's regularly in your house looking after DC then ground rules need to be laid down surely.. even if you speak to her in a light-hearted way.. 'hey did DC move my financial file on the stairs?? Funny kid she's into everything isnt she!' watch for blushes as she realises you're on to her. Otherwise get DH to mention it. As for biscuits, hey if it keeps her happy.. 1 pack of biscuits has to be costing substantially less than a childminder.

Tinkerbelle57 · 15/07/2019 23:41

I am often at my daughters house alone for different reasons. Whether it be to see deliveries in, let a workman in or babysit.
I would never ever look into her personal possessions or papers.
However I usually make myself a tea or have a can of drink and I might even have a biscuit or 2.

They go all over the world and bring special goodies home like chocolate, cookies, wines etc. I would never touch any of these. I don’t expect them to put them away and they know I wouldn’t help myself.
On the other hand her MIL is different and has a sense of entitlement and treats the place as her own and interferes . This infuriates my daughter.

Enclume · 15/07/2019 23:42

I think only psychopaths eat 1-2 hobnobs at a time.

Haggismom · 16/07/2019 02:19

I don't want to be mean but you have no idea how lucky you are to have childcare help from your MIL. I had to pay for every hour my kids were looked after while I was at work - for years. She's saving you far more than a pack of biscuits.
Get into the habit of putting your personal documents out of sight.

angelfacecuti75 · 16/07/2019 04:29

To be honest...it's just a packet of biscuits...if u can afford to pay her for childcare you can afford a packet of biscuits...just buy some for her next time...bourbons are only about 40p...i can understand re financial documents but why leave them out in the first place if u know she's gonna look?

angelfacecuti75 · 16/07/2019 04:32

Ps she is doing u a huge favour..childcare is expensive...put your documents out of sight but get her some cheap but nice grub in...if she doesn't have boundaries either put stuff out of sight or just say please don't look at them ....

Belenus · 16/07/2019 06:43

Also who the hell eats more than 2 at a time?

Who the hell doesn't? Are you pixies, with pixie appetites?

GoFiguire · 16/07/2019 06:53

Paint your spare room red and leave out copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and some sexual apparatus.

Or a dead cat stuffed by an amateur taxidermist.

Either would work.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 16/07/2019 07:57

I personally wouldn't care about the hobnobs so I think YABU on that count.
But the nosiness would seriously irritate. So YANBU about that.
I've never understood why folk feel the need to poke and pry into the personal details of someone else's life.
Pay the extra, I would, in alternative childcare.
Alternatively, leave put loads of packs of biscuits for her next time she visits so she's too busy eating to poke around Smile

Verily1 · 16/07/2019 08:43

What’s wrong with mil knowing your pay?

It seems odd to me to be so secretive about something like that with close family but I’m quite open about money.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 08:44

Nothing wrong with mil knowing your pay. Definitely something wrong with her reading private papers to find out.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/07/2019 08:46

What’s wrong with mil knowing your pay? It seems odd to me to be so secretive about something like that with close family but I’m quite open about money.

If the OP wants her MIL to know what she gets paid, I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of telling her. If the MIL has to look through the OP’s personal papers while she’s out of the house to find out, OP probably doesn’t want her to know and doesn’t have to justify that.

NoSauce · 16/07/2019 08:48

It’s not about MIL knowing what the OP earns that’s the issue, it’s the fact that she’s been looking at her private business. I wouldn’t want anyone looking through my personal stuff either. That’s a whole other issue than the eating of the biscuits which seems to be the main issue for the OP given her quite frankly goady title of this thread.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 16/07/2019 09:46

I once had a snoopy mil. Knew she was going through my paperwork and letters when I'd left her ds and moved out (she continued to have my ds one day a week although I would have preferred nursery) so I wrote a letter to her, saying i knew she was nosing through my stuff etc, and put it in an opened envelope, marked private and confidential, within a pile of post on the side. Knew she'd read it as she was fuming when I got home but couldn't say anything to me as that would confirm to me she goes through my post! 😂

jwpetal · 16/07/2019 10:36

You appear to be annoyed about the paying for the childcare, while your sibling and his wife received free care. Why go after the SIL.
Your brother is alive, correct? circumstances change. Maybe your mother in law reviewed her finances and realised she needs to care for herself and the extra money is to do that. She is getting older and finances are important to her also. Whatever happened with your brother's family was for 5 years. You came later. the resentment is strong.

she could say no all together. but really think you need to deal with paying for childcare. I would rather pay a relaitive than a stranger.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/07/2019 10:50

You appear to be annoyed about the paying for the childcare, while your sibling and his wife received free care. Why go after the SIL. Your brother is alive, correct?

We don’t even know if the OP has a brother. This thread is about the OP’s MIL, as the title and virtually every post since references. The OP’s SIL is most likely her partner’s sister - therefore MIL’s daughter, whom she chose to provide free childcare for. The OP has only ‘gone after’ the SIL because she was the one getting the freebie.

I’m guessing this is one of those hand-wringing ‘Why does the woman always get a harder time than the man?’ posts. It would help next time if you looked at even the most basic information in the thread before posting.