MIL stuffing her face at ours

[jamiecooks]

I probably ABU BUT MIL driving me mad! She never has any food at hers (pleads poverty but that's a whole other story) - came to ours the other day to look after our baby (we pay her for doing this despite SIL having 5 years of free child care) and basically chomped through almost a whole packet of chocolate hobnobs. They were in a tub in the corner of a cupboard so she also obviously went looking for them.

Previously she'd also been in my cupboard and helped herself to the posh chocs my DH had bought me for my birthday! After that, I started having to hide nice food but didn't get chance to this time as her coming to ours was unexpected - logistical reasons which DH organised without telling me.

She's also previously looked at financial documents in our house (I know because something had been left out and moved and she is very nosy by her own admittance) and I had been doing a tax return the other day so had left out my folders with all my statements/payslips etc in at top of stairs to put away - had I known she was coming I'd have put it all away but I didn't know and when I got home it was clear she had been looking at it as docs were popping out of folder which weren't before, specifically my pay slip so she now presumably knows what I earn

AIBU?

1 biscuit = normal

Of all the weird things I've read on MN that is by far and away the weirdest. Who on earth just eats one biscuit. WHO? Fuxache.

2 biscuits = strict diet, control freakery, reminds me of a former colleague

3-5 biscuits = modicum of self control

6 biscuits = bit greedy. Go for a cycle ride later.

After that you're counting in packets really.

Packet of hobnobs & chocolates = £10 tops

Daily childcare = £75

I haven't read the whole thread. I read the OP and all I could think was, "You are having subsidised child care from a grandparent and all you can complain about is she ate some biscuits!". Wow! If you can't afford a packet of biscuits maybe look for "proper" child care. Jeez!

Mil always leaves behind a trail of opened stuff with just one or two bites missing.

Is your MIL a mouse?

I do love the idea of op's MIL furiously necking a packet of hobnobs... cookie monster style. When you get home does she look all flustered and have crumbs round her mouth?

I wouldn't mind about the biscuits really. Yeah it's greedy but it's mostly just funny. Leave out six packs as a challenge maybe?

The documents though - I'd probably leave out a decoy folder with a note inside saying 'mind your own bastarding business MIL!' along with clues for a posh chocs treasure hunt.

@EncroachingLoaf clues for a posh choc treasure hunt. Brilliant

Lock up the posh chox and the secret docs and leave the MIL a treat like a packet of fancy bikkies where she can ‘find’ them. If I had been able to get away with paying my childminders in Hobnobs I’d have jumped at the chance.

OP never did come back. I wonder whether this thread made her realise how awful she came across?

As a mother of adult children, i can safely say that we never stop worrying about our children. I certainly wish it ended when they reached their majority. So some snooping is wrong but maybe guilty worrying?

From experience, i have regretted accidentally coming across things. I truly wish I knew less. Not more.

I wouldn't look through my dc papers........but if they left them out on a desk and made a big deal out of not sharing information, it would be difficult not to take a peek. Cats/curiosity, etc.

What is mil supposed to do while babysitting? Not eat?? Eat only mil designated cupboard food?

I thought that was common courtesy to leave food and drink?

My bil is greedy and will eat an entire box of chocolates without a qualm so we put them up when he comes over bc he doesn't reciprocate. But he never helps out either. If he helped with anything, i would share...not the best chocolates...

Be kind. You, too, will probably be a mil and you are teaching your dc how you expect to be treated by the way you treat your parents/in-laws.

Besides, she's dc gran and dh's mother.

I can’t believe some grandparents actually want payment for caring for their relatives! I suspect this is the crux of the situation.

I would ensure there are enough snacks in the cupboard but don’t specifically leave them for her. She may think she can’t eat them as will look greedy - yet if they are there in the cupboard already it’s easier.

She’s too busy padlocking the Godivas!

@NoSauce maybe she's happily busy eating new box of hobnobs?

I can’t believe some grandparents actually want payment for caring for their relatives!

Some grandparents might not have a choice. This is clearly a regular arrangement. The time the grandmother spends looking after her grandchild is time she herself cannot take on paid work. It might be different if she was voluntarily retired, but given we know this woman is short on cash, why shouldn’t she expect some token payment?

Omg.... some of the comments on here. Do some if you just read through posts to take your shit out on other people?

OP: YANBU.

Yes, she babysits for a pittance and that's her choice, no one is making her so that excuse doesn't stand IMO.

No. It's NOT ok for her to eat chocolates that were a birthday gift to you from DH, it's greedy, selfish and rude.

As for going through your personal belongings?? WTAF? Nowhere no how is this acceptable, ever.

It sounds like she is lonely, bored and taking you for a ride: babysitting is NOT an excuse for abusing your hospitality. Period and don't let the witches of MN tell you otherwise.

As for the hobnobs... but her a packet.

Or “posh chocs” Catsinthecupboard

I always feel the NEED to eat things at my mother's house and she feels the same at mine. we could have the same thing in our own cupboards and wouldn’t want them. Maybe she has this strange urge at the house her son lives in?

Looking at your paperwork is annoying, who’s to stay she didn’t start looking then felt guilty and stopped straight away?

Lock up the carrier bags though! It’s the only thing I class as stealing when my mother comes to mine

I don’t get paid for being childcare. Dd and her husband pay our expenses (dgd and me) and they ... ahem ... bought me a car to facilitate. I tell myself they’d have had to do the same for an au pair though tbh I am a bit in awe of the situation. But if I ate their hobnobs I’d buy them another packet.

Get two lockable cabinets - one for your personal food treats, one for private documents.

I generally expect guests to help themselves to anything in my kitchen - but would be extemely angry if anyone started looking in my financial documents!!!

YANBU to begrudge your MIL not giving equal treatment in terms of free childcare to her grandchildren. It's probably your resentment of the favourable treatment your SiL is getting that makes the hobnob eating stick in your craw.

Do you and your DP earn more money than SIL? Is that why your MIL gives her free childcare?

That said, you're getting childcare at a discounted rate ( if it was equal to a childminder then I assume you wouldn't bother with MiL) so leaving food out for her is a tiny ask.

Her reading your private documents is not okay at all. Next time don't leave the documents out or as someone suggested, leave a note inside wherever you think she'll have a nosey telling her to keep her nose out.

The op has scarpered, she wanted us all to lay into her MIL and when that didn't happen she took the huff.

Can somebody tell me what is SIL, MIL, DH, ABU? All these codes....

Snooping is snooping, whether it's rifling through personal (private) documents or rooting through food cupboards. That's what would annoy me rather than the biscuits per se

Exactly. People are missing the point here. It's not about the cost of the biscuits or the chocolates. It's about MIL not having boundaries.

Of course it would have been nice if OP had said 'help yourself to drinks and biscuits' abd left some out. And if I was doing the sitting and was starving, maybe I'd help myself to a few biscuits even if none had been offered. But I'd say at the end 'hope you don't mind, but I helped myself to a few biscuits'. But I wouldn't eat a whole packet and I wouldn't eat the posh chocolates.

Going through you’re documents is not okay but the annoyance at her eating your food seems really odd. When ever my family or in-laws come they are allowed to help themselves to food and drink. My mother has the nick name of badger as she often does night time eating. Things offer go missing that she has eaten but she’s my Mum so I’m not really fussed. Wouldn’t bother me what my in-laws ate either.

The only thing I do wish is that when my children were born I’d set the precedent of them ‘baby sitting’ at mine rather than there’s. Nice to have sleep overs some times at Nanny and Grandads as a special treat but they always come back tired as stayed up late and then you have to go and collect them/ drop them off. Just for the record I adore my in-laws and they are wonderful so absolutely grateful but would be great if sometimes they came to ours.

OP never did come back. I wonder whether this thread made her realise how awful she came across?

On the first page the OP says And yes, I think I do need to be less stingy with food!!! I am BVU . Can't really blame her for not coming back after that. Taking biscuits is fair enough but why should anyone put up with someone going through their paperwork? It's not about the MIL knowing your salary. It's about her going through stuff that isn't any of her business and might well contain plenty of other information. It isn't hers to know about.

We had a plumber doing work for a couple of days, and I left him a fresh unopened packet of biscuits with the tea/coffee each day.

If he had gone in the cupboard and rooted out the fancy box of chocolates I’d been given by students a couple of days before, I would have been well pissed off.

People are missing the point here. It's not about the cost of the biscuits or the chocolates. It's about MIL not having boundaries.

it's the OP who chose to title the thread: MIL stuffing her face, not MIL snooping.