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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find DH boring (when we go out,) now he has given up booze

172 replies

alittlerayofsunshine · 13/07/2019 22:21

NC for this sorry, as I don't want it linking with my other posts...

So basically, DH stopped drinking alcohol some 2 and a half years ago, and whilst I know it's commendable for anyone to give up booze, I now find evenings out with him somewhat intolerable. We have been out together, with various friends and colleagues to a works party, or a random 'do,' (usually between 7 and 12 people,) around 15 times in the last 2 and a half years since he gave up booze.

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank, and we had a great night together, (and with our friends,) and would get a taxi back together (and also one there...)

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me. On the occasions I have said 'I am not ready yet as it's only 9pm, and the night is just getting going,' he says 'I will wait then,' but just sits there, refusing to dance, refusing to speak much, and looking at his diet coke on the table, looking at his watch, and yawning. So I can't enjoy it anyway, and end up just giving in, and leaving with him. Sad

I am not saying he is boring in general, and I have no issue with him being a teetotal, and 95% of the time it's fine, as I don't drink anyway (unless we go out for a night with friends...) But he is an insufferable bore on our nights out, and it's ruining my night - almost every time. Even when me and HE go out together alone, just us 2; he still wants to leave at 9pm ish, and I am sick of it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and annoyed and say I am not going to ANY evening do again, with him there? I think I would rather just go out alone, (with my friends only,) as at least I won't have him huffing and puffing and saying he is bored, and wanting to leave at 9pm.

We are both 40-ish , and have no school age kids, so no huge reason for DH to be tired and want to leave early. And as I said, before he stopped drinking alcohol, he always wanted to stay out for the whole night.

OP posts:
Hermagsjesty · 13/07/2019 22:25

I hear your frustration but I think you’re probably being a bit unfair. Could you not see your friends separately while he has a night in?

Goawayquickly · 13/07/2019 22:26

Neither of you are wrong, I understand you entirely but I've quit booze so I understand him, I'm ready to leave at the point people are getting tipsy because I find them boring now. I would have felt like you before.
I'm no help am I Grin

EllenEyewater · 13/07/2019 22:26

He probably finds you boring as well in these situation - it gets incredibly tedious being the sober one when everyone around you is getting more and more intoxicated.

Drink with your friends and have sober nights out with your DH. You might both be happier with that.

WhiteDust · 13/07/2019 22:28

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank

OP, It's only when you stop drinking yourself and are sober that you realise that drunk/very tipsy people are often really tedious company. Sad

Champagneformyrealfriends · 13/07/2019 22:29

Leave him at home. Awful as it sounds, I would.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 13/07/2019 22:29

You’re not being unreasonable exactly, but neither is he... Problem is that he’s become middle aged and now finds staying up late / chatting / dancing to be boring. He’d rather be watching tv or snoozing. Pretty common to start feeling that way in your 40s, I know since mid 30s I’ve found going to pub incredibly dull. But for whatever reason you’re not in the same place as him. So you need to go for ‘girls nights out’ etc and basically find ways to party without him.

WhiteDust · 13/07/2019 22:30

Xpost with ellen
I agree, drunk nights with friends, sober nights ( meals out, other events/activities) with DH

Hermagsjesty · 13/07/2019 22:30

I also wonder if it might be worth mixing up what you do on a night out so you’re doing more gigs/ comedy nights/ watching live sports/ shows etc etc. Stuff where there’s an “event” happening that means it isn’t as apparent who is and isn’t drinking,

BarbedBloom · 13/07/2019 22:33

Tbh I am the same as your DH. I do find tipsy people irritating sometimes and I tend to want to go home earlier now I am almost 40. But I would leave my DH behind if he wanted to stay tbh, so you aren't unreasonable there

Cherrysoup · 13/07/2019 22:34

I used to be bored when I wasn’t drinking on nights out, but I’d tolerate it for the sake of the DH enjoying himself.

Why did he stop drinking? And why does he want to go home so early? Surely you can’t be there more than a couple of hours if he wants to go home at 9?

MitziK · 13/07/2019 22:34

I can't think of anything more boring than sitting round waiting for somebody to get pissed, giggle and dance about whilst talking too loudly, making stupid comments and complaining I'm boring.

It's not middleage, it's not finding drunks entertaining.

PooWillyBumBum · 13/07/2019 22:37

DH and I gave up together and whilst I can still stay up til 3 dancing (in fact I find it easier when sober), I do find really pissed people dull to talk to. They repeat themselves, can exhibit astounding amounts of arrogance and generally are more dim witted and less amusing than their sober selves.

Can he not just drive home and you get a taxi later in the evening?

Jenala · 13/07/2019 22:39

Of course YANBU. It's fine for him to not enjoy being with people getting pissed, and if he went home alone it would be fine
What's unreasonable is that he insists on staying and acting miserable until you give in and go home with him - basically if he can't have fun he is going to damn well make sure you can't either. Why won't he go home before you?

Try and talk about it beforehand/when you're both calm. Tell him you understand it may not be much fun and you're totally happy for him to head home when he's had enough, but that it's really unfair to sit there with a miserable face which means you can't enjoy yourself.

LordNibbler · 13/07/2019 22:41

Just don't take him. It sounds like he's given up drinking and now he'd quite like it if you did too. He goes along on the nights out, knowing people are going to drink and get tipsy, and then complaining about it. So he's making it as unenjoyable as possible for you so you just give in and stay home with him.
I don't drink, and my OH does. I simply don't go out with him as I don't enjoy it. I certainly wouldn't spoil his evenings out just because I'd rather be home in my onesie with a nice cuppa.

Purpleartichoke · 13/07/2019 22:42

I can’t think of anything more boring than being in your 40s and wanting to stay out late drinking at clubs. Most people give that up in their early 20s.

MaudebeGonne · 13/07/2019 22:44

I can see both sides. The time to talk about isn't when you are out or when you have been drinking, but some neutral afternoon. But yes, you should still be able to go out and get drunk and dance the night away if you want.

surreysnapper · 13/07/2019 22:46

I dont drink alcohol anymore and tbh I now find drinkers are the bores (sorry, not helping, I know😂)
in fact I was out with my DH and son for a meal tonight and it really wasn't much fun sitting there watching DH drink an entire bottle of wine, a g&t and a brandy - he's neither entertaining nor pleasant company and certainly not a good role model for our teenager.
My consolation is he will be the one with a hangover in the morningGrin

LordNibbler · 13/07/2019 22:46

Look it doesn't matter if anyone thinks it's boring going out and dancing and drinking. That's not the point. OP enjoys it and her DH is making it miserable for her. He should stay home and STFU. She's only in her 40's, she's not bloody dead yet.

MrsJBaptiste · 13/07/2019 22:49

I can’t think of anything more boring than being in your 40s and wanting to stay out late drinking at clubs. Most people give that up in their early 20s

😅😅😅 Yeah, try telling that to my friends!

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/07/2019 22:49

I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight.

As someone said upthread, I’d find this really boring tbh. Giggling and getting pissed would have me heading for home too.

justasking111 · 13/07/2019 22:54

We take it in turns to drive but make a deal the sober one decides when to leave it seems to work well. I have a dirty secret though, when the girls go out I always drive so stay sober, we can have fun for hours without the men whether tipsy or sober. We are always the last ones to leave the restaurant, pub. Grin

CalmdownJanet · 13/07/2019 22:55

Yanbu, leave the fun sponge at home! Have you spoken to him about it?

TearingMeApart · 13/07/2019 22:59

Why not go out without him or stay past when he wants to leave and get an Uber home? I do drink, but 90% of the time I don’t drink very much and am happy to go home by about 10. My husband is happy to be out until dawn, so I go home, make up the sofa bed downstairs for him, and starfish on the nice double bed until I’m ready to sleep. It’s a nice chance for me to catch up with my parents or whatever, and I get to make fun of how hungover he is the next day.

CalmdownJanet · 13/07/2019 22:59

And people saying your idea of a night out sounds boring etc etc, the night out itself is pretty irrelevant I think, no matter what your idea of fun, bingo, train watching, raves, gigs, whatever it is, if someone is there sucking the joy out of your night out by wanting to go home early, clock watching, nursing his drink, not talking to people but refusing to go home alone and leave the other person enjoy themselves then that is totally unfair and dare I say it a bit controlling. I mean ffs why not let you go alone or leave early and let you stay? No way would I go out with him

bebeboeuf · 13/07/2019 23:01

I drink but find drunk people very boring and annoying

Yabu