to find DH boring (when we go out,) now he has given up booze

[alittlerayofsunshine]

NC for this sorry, as I don't want it linking with my other posts...

So basically, DH stopped drinking alcohol some 2 and a half years ago, and whilst I know it's commendable for anyone to give up booze, I now find evenings out with him somewhat intolerable. We have been out together, with various friends and colleagues to a works party, or a random 'do,' (usually between 7 and 12 people,) around 15 times in the last 2 and a half years since he gave up booze.

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank, and we had a great night together, (and with our friends,) and would get a taxi back together (and also one there...)

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me. On the occasions I have said 'I am not ready yet as it's only 9pm, and the night is just getting going,' he says 'I will wait then,' but just sits there, refusing to dance, refusing to speak much, and looking at his diet coke on the table, looking at his watch, and yawning. So I can't enjoy it anyway, and end up just giving in, and leaving with him.

I am not saying he is boring in general, and I have no issue with him being a teetotal, and 95% of the time it's fine, as I don't drink anyway (unless we go out for a night with friends...) But he is an insufferable bore on our nights out, and it's ruining my night - almost every time. Even when me and HE go out together alone, just us 2; he still wants to leave at 9pm ish, and I am sick of it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and annoyed and say I am not going to ANY evening do again, with him there? I think I would rather just go out alone, (with my friends only,) as at least I won't have him huffing and puffing and saying he is bored, and wanting to leave at 9pm.

We are both 40-ish , and have no school age kids, so no huge reason for DH to be tired and want to leave early. And as I said, before he stopped drinking alcohol, he always wanted to stay out for the whole night.

I just don’t understand why he won’t just let you go out on your own.
I don’t drink anymore and find drunk people extremely tedious.
I also know my husband loves getting drunk with his friends so he goes out and I stay in. We’re both happy.

It’s weird that he won’t just go home and leave you.

@CalmdownJanet

And people saying your idea of a night out sounds boring etc etc, the night out itself is pretty irrelevant I think, no matter what your idea of fun, bingo, train watching, raves, gigs, whatever it is, if someone is there sucking the joy out of your night out by wanting to go home early, clock watching, nursing his drink, not talking to people but refusing to go home alone and leave the other person enjoy themselves then that is totally unfair and dare I say it a bit controlling. I mean ffs why not let you go alone or leave early and let you stay? No way would I go out with him.

Totally this...

Thanks for understanding

@TearingMeApart

Why not go out without him or stay past when he wants to leave and get an Uber home? I do drink, but 90% of the time I don’t drink very much and am happy to go home by about 10. My husband is happy to be out until dawn, so I go home, make up the sofa bed downstairs for him, and starfish on the nice double bed until I’m ready to sleep. It’s a nice chance for me to catch up with my parents or whatever, and I get to make fun of how hungover he is the next day.

Thank you. Problem is, as I say, he won't stay behind, and won't leave without me,

A few posters are definitely missing the point here, (or have not read my original post properly!)

Thing is, I DO want to stay out, and let him go home, and I WOULD like to just go out without him (sometimes, I mean like the times I wanna have a good/late night out,) but he won't leave til I go, and won't stay home, as he doesn't want to be left behind

So I am wondering if IWBU to demand that I go out without him, as him wanting to go home after only 2 hours, is really putting a dampener on my evenings. (I mean even when we are together, just us 2, he still wants to leave at 9pm..) And even when I don't drink as well, he wants to leave because he gets bored and says he is tired. He never used to get bored when he was a drinker.

No idea why he gave it up, he just did.

I don't think going out boozing and having a good time with mates - once every 2 months is excessive!

And as I said, he doesn't have to come, but is afraid of missing out. Then he wants to leave at bloody 9pm.

As @LordNibbler said, I find it bizarre that a few people think partying and going to wine bars, and staying out til 1 am, should be left behind in your early 20s! I am still quite young, and fit and healthy, and I don't want my evenings wrapping up at 9pm. Now our kids are past school age, we can live a little, and he wants to be home at 9pm. Pissed off with it tbh.

Yes I KNOW being the only sober one can be a bit tedious, but if people being tipsy and having a good time around you makes you feel sooooooooooooo bored and annoyed, then stay home!

I think I am going to have to insist I go out without him, because he is a crushing bore, when we go for a night out now. I have explained how I feel, and that I am happy for him to not come, or to go home and leave me, but he insists on staying with me, but he just looks and acts bored.

@AlexaAmidextra

As someone said upthread, I’d find people wanting to dance and party til way past midnight really boring tbh. Giggling and getting pissed would have me heading for home too.

Why? Do you just plain and simple not like enjoying yourself???

A few people on here sound like a right barrel of laughs. 'I find it BORING when people are enjoying themselves and laughing and partying and dancing...'

WTAF?

Maybe you should go out with my husband??? You would get on famously!!!

If he's struggling wanting to drink because he had a problem before he gave up I can understand it but it still doesn't excuse his manipulation and sulking.

I don't drink and my partner does and I go out for dinner or to something else where drinking is not the sole activity- and enjoy it but I do go at about 11 and leave him to it if he wants to carry on. I don't love it when that happens as I can't sleep knowing he is going to come on drunk but I just try and manage the anxiety. But clubbing with drinkers or hours at the pub where it's just drinking? No chance !!

Sorry cross post so not a recovering drinker then so no excuse for him to be that hard work

The thing is he can’t have it both ways, he can’t stay out and also not stay out.
He either stays out and doesn’t complain or goes home.

You are not unreasonable at all to want to go and do things without someone who doesn’t want to be there.

That would really annoy me.

In my relationship I’m your DH.

It’s shitty of him to not just go home if you’re out and having fun with other people.

But the two of you going out is a bit different. I now find sitting in a restaurant/bar watching someone else getting slowly drunk is only interesting for a couple of hours. Could you try and find something else to do? Or do you always have to drink when you go out with him? If you didn’t you might kind of see it from his point of view a bit. Just that some of the focus or point of the evening isn’t there any more.

Tbh, he sounds controlling as fuck. He won't let you go out by yourself, and if you do take him he decides when to go and sulks if you try to go against it. Either way,you are not enjoying your nights or doing what you want to do. Fuck that shit.

This is easily solved. Have a sober conversation with him before an event about the fact that you want to stay later than he probably will. Suggest he goes home and you get a taxi later. Make it clear you are fine with that arrangemet then see it through. If he chooses to stay then he is a passive aggresive idiot and he deserves to be bored and tired.

So I am wondering if IWBU to demand that I go out without him
Do you never go out without him? If thats true then there's an underlying issue here surely?

He certainly does sound like a right bore, you are DNBU! He could still join in and be sociable without drinking, how totally embarrassing for you having him sitting there with a face like fizz nursing his diet coke no wonder you agree to leave with him!! Would just tell him never again!

I agree that neither of you are wrong here, just that your socialising ideals have become incompatible with the advent of your DH going tee total.

After 2 1/2 years though, it should have shaken down but hasn't.

I guess the obvious thing to suggest is do some stuff together and have the odd blast with your friends without him.

The thing is, remove the giving up booze part, and you've got a partner who is stopping you from enjoying your nights out but refusing to compromise by leaving separately etc. It's commendable that he's stopped drinking, but it doesn't mean that he gets to control your enjoyment of socialising like this.

Oh dear that's me too
Off home early to bed teetotal person but I would have just gone home and left my partner to it. I think he's being a bit mean to you.

My OH loved partying until late. A house party would easily end up in a club and home as the sun was coming up. I just wanted to be home with a cup of tea on the sofa before 11.

It caused friction so one night I just decided he could go without me. That way he’d stay out as long as he wanted and I could stay home. Mostly it worked. We compromised at times when it was felt I had to show my face.

You are not wrong to want to stay later. It wasn’t you who changed the status quo, so understand your frustration. But it can be boring when you’re sober and everyone else is on the way to sloshed.

I would just go on your own next time. He can’t argue with that.

@BiscuitDrama sometimes when we both go out (just us 2,) I don't drink (like if we go for a meal or to a film/show,) and he STILL wants to go home as early as poss. He seems to get tired easily, and says at around 9pm ALMOST EVERY TIME 'hmmm, I am ready for my pit now.' And then he yawns really loudly!

Seems like he had a better time (with our friends and colleagues AND with just me) when he had a couple of drinks.

As I said, (and some others have too,) he should just let me go out without him (or at least go and let me stay without insisting on staying too!) But he seems to be scared of missing something!

He isn't; all he is doing is pissing me off (and others too tbh...) with how miserable he is.

@Sunshine93

Yeah I do go out without (at night) him with just my friends now and again, and I go out for lunches and coffee mornings with mates without him..

But I have always liked being with him/going out with him (just us 2) AND with him and our mates/work colleagues too, up to when he stopped drinking... I WANTED to be with him, and wanted him there... Now I just wish he would either stay home, or start drinking again!

He is a bit young to be a pipe and slippers man to be honest, I would perhaps look into why he is so tired. When does he usually go to bed when you are at home? and how many hours sleep does he need?

I think next time you all go out, you should drink the same as your OH and you might end up feeling the same and leave early with him.... nice cosy early night 👍🏻

Giving up booze will give your DP many health benefits. If my DH had given up beer and wine years ago he probably would not have become overweight and developed Type 2 Diabetes in late fifties.

The end result has been a rapid review of his lifestyle and I have tried to do the best I can to help him. Our nights out are more likely to be at the pictures now or sometimes the theatre, rather than the pub. We have developed new interests, do more walking in the summer evenings, it is worth it to keep him healthy.

What is your relationship like otherwise?
Is her perhaps concerned you'd not be able to look after yourself if he left you?
My DH is similar (though not quite so bad, luckily for me). I can feel the waves of disapproval from him when I have a drink, but he will at least go home and let me stay out.
I don't think your DH is being fair to you.

He sounds insufferable. Won't partake in the fun and wants to ruin it for you too. YWNBU to demand he stays home next time OP, the sulking and misery would drive me crazy. Your relationship is going to suffer if you can't find a middle ground on this. I'd be nudging him towards the bottle again if I were you!

There is nothing fucking worse than being stone cold sober surrounded by a bunch of drunks cackling like hyenas at some (usually their own) painfully unfunny “joke”.

Your poor husband. Maybe if you tried tee-totalism one night you’d be even glummer than him and in tucked up in bed for 9pm sharp, OP?

That would actually annoy me. I am fine with folk not drinking, it's usually me as we have a fair commute to visit family now we have moved. Even when I'm shattered, it's my choice to go so I wouldn't leave early.

I'm really surprised the vote is so close and really think people are missing the point. Did the people who say "yabu, I don't drink and find drunk people boring" just vote on those grounds? I mean what about the actual problem here, the drink is irrelevant. Op cannot go out alone without her dh wanting to go and then when he does go he ruins her night and when she compromises and doesn't drink he still acts like a miserable old man wanting to be home early every single time. Seriously at 40 you have years and years of this, you need to sort it out or he will zap your life of fun and you are way too young for that.

And 40, I am 40, is not too old to enjoy a night out with dinner/drinks/good company and dancing and heaven forbid you'd have one too many!

Giving up alcohol is no bad thing, but what you describe is controlling behaviour, plain and simple. I sympathise.