to find DH boring (when we go out,) now he has given up booze

[alittlerayofsunshine]

NC for this sorry, as I don't want it linking with my other posts...

So basically, DH stopped drinking alcohol some 2 and a half years ago, and whilst I know it's commendable for anyone to give up booze, I now find evenings out with him somewhat intolerable. We have been out together, with various friends and colleagues to a works party, or a random 'do,' (usually between 7 and 12 people,) around 15 times in the last 2 and a half years since he gave up booze.

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank, and we had a great night together, (and with our friends,) and would get a taxi back together (and also one there...)

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me. On the occasions I have said 'I am not ready yet as it's only 9pm, and the night is just getting going,' he says 'I will wait then,' but just sits there, refusing to dance, refusing to speak much, and looking at his diet coke on the table, looking at his watch, and yawning. So I can't enjoy it anyway, and end up just giving in, and leaving with him.

I am not saying he is boring in general, and I have no issue with him being a teetotal, and 95% of the time it's fine, as I don't drink anyway (unless we go out for a night with friends...) But he is an insufferable bore on our nights out, and it's ruining my night - almost every time. Even when me and HE go out together alone, just us 2; he still wants to leave at 9pm ish, and I am sick of it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and annoyed and say I am not going to ANY evening do again, with him there? I think I would rather just go out alone, (with my friends only,) as at least I won't have him huffing and puffing and saying he is bored, and wanting to leave at 9pm.

We are both 40-ish , and have no school age kids, so no huge reason for DH to be tired and want to leave early. And as I said, before he stopped drinking alcohol, he always wanted to stay out for the whole night.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink and always gets up and dances and has fun. He has always been like this and doesn’t drink as doesn’t feel the need and doesn’t like the feeling of not being himself.

Your husband and probably you need to retrain your brains to think about how to have fun without alcohol. A lot of this is being confident in himself to be able be on show without hiding behind the Dutch courage. It’s a lot easier said than done. I bet there is a self help book for it though.

Being around people who are drunk can be frustrating when you are sober. Plus it is a constant reminder that he can’t have the fun they are having or join in. What other interests do you have together, music, comedy shows etc?

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me.

Oh good grief.

I think you need to have some harsh words OP.
Along the lines of why is he acting like a 12 year old, & what is wrong with him that he cannot either 1) decide to enjoy the night or 2) decide to leave early ON HIS OWN?

Why should you forfeit an evening out because he has not yet worked out how to function socially without a drink in his mitt?

I can understand it's going to take him some time to adjust, but demanding that you also leave early when he dictates ... or staying on to sulk if you do not wish to - is utterly puerile. He needs to grow up & take responsibility for his own feelings.

Perhaps it's about finding a new gang of friends. The last-but-one holiday I went on - a special interest group holiday - was made a lot more difficult by the fact the rest of the travellers were a hard drinking bunch. My husband and I were made to feel we weren't part of the gang. Whereas the holiday I've just been on was with a bunch where most people had a drink in the bar before dinner and/or a glass of wine with their meal. And that was it. Most people didn't get boringly pissed and it was wonderful not to feel excluded.

Neither of you is being unreasonable other than when he is ready to go home, he wint go without you. Why on earth not!?

I'd just pre book 2 taxis next time - one at 9 for him and one at closing time for you

@RogerBannister

Be careful what you wish for. My husband when sober is funny, intelligent, brilliant company. But then he drinks and turns into a cunt.

I am sorry to hear that, but that has no bearing on my situation, because my husband does not 'turn into a cunt' when he has been drinking.

When my DH used to drink, (especially when we went on a night out,) he was much more fun. I mean, just a couple of glasses of wine. Now he is no fun on nights out, yet he refuses to stay home, or go home without me.

We are no more than 2 hours into the evening, and he gets 'tired' and bored, and wants to go, but will not go without me. Then, as I said earlier, he stays up til 12.00-1.00am watching TV

@Pineapplefish

YANBU - he's not being very considerate here. Have you talked to him about it?

Yeah I have talked to him about it, but he says he 'doesn't mind' waiting around for me. He may not, but I do! I have said 'pleeeeeease just go home,' but he refuses. So this is why I asked AIBU to insist on going without him.

@LizzieSiddal

How drunk are you getting “2 or 3 times a month”?

Maybe he doesn’t want to leave you to get home on your own, if you are quite drunk?

And no, I don't go out a couple of times a month getting so wrecked that he feels the need to 'look after me.' I have 2 or 3 glasses of wine, and have a lot of fun with friends. I am not going to stop having a few glasses of wine because DH has decided he has given up alcohol.

And like I said earlier, even when I don't drink, he still wants to come home early. Even if it's not a 'party-type-' event, and is a meal or theatre trip or cinema trip. He just wants to come home early every time. Makes me wonder why he bothers coming out really!

In answer to what a few people have asked, he has never had a drinking problem, and is not a recovering alcoholic, he just gave up alcohol and I don't know why......

@ApplePieIsAmazing

Why won't he go home without you? I don't drink much and when I've had enough I get DH to give me a call if he needs a lift home. Seems strange. I hope I don't come across presumptuous, and I don't mean this in a bad way but have you even been unfaithful? Could that be a reason why.

We don't have any other issues, and I have never cheated on him. He is just SO annoying because he comes out, sits there bored with a coke, and won't chat much, and won't leave til I do. As I said, he won't stay in either. I honestly don't know why. He says he doesn't mind waiting, but as I said, I do mind it, because it ruins my night, him sitting there quiet and bored, and wanting to leave. But he WILL NOT LEAVE without me.

Thanks everyone for the input. It means a lot and has been helpful.

I think I am going to go for telling him I am going out without him next time! And I will do! Obviously, staying out and having him go home is not an option, and he won't go home til I do!!!

Thanks for voting too! First time I have ever done a poll! 😬

He sounds very dull. I'd go out without him. If he finds sober nights out such a chore, he needs to stop participating.

Drunk people are tedious - no wonder he wants to go home.
If alcohol was invented now it would most likely be as illegal as every other mind- altering potentially addictive drug.
Perhaps it’s time you gave it up too?

I have an alcoholic drink sometimes but usually am happy to drive as we live rurally so taxis are out of the question. The problem I have is that the choice of soft drinks is so poor. I can usually manage one Diet Coke or tonic water and don't want any more. I'm not keen on fruit juice or sugary fizzy drinks and just having tap water I look a bit of a cheapskate. I will
Sometimes have a pot of tea but then look like a real party pooper.
Please someone come up with a good range of non-alcoholic, non sugary drinks!

Drunk people are tedious - no wonder he wants to go home.

Then he should keep his bored ass home if he dislikes the company so much. No one is making him go.

I think he is trying to control you.

Next time, before you go out, say 'I'm not coming home until 4am ok?' and stay out. Ignore his sulking. Dont even drink if you like but he is trying to force you to stop socialising too. Dont let him grind you down.

I don't really drink at all but this is nothing to do with alcohol.

He is boring, sitting there sulking and not talking to people, sighing and yawning, and forcing you to go home.
He is boring.

I looked it up and it says : dull, lacking excitement, not interesting.

It also said about drilling a hole and he is also doing that, drilling a hole in your happiness.

So I think yes you are right, he is boring and it is nothing to do with the alcohol!

It sounds to me like he has gone past the going to the pub type night out and finds it tedious. Perhaps he feels if he stays home/leaves early it may form a bigger divide between you? You are feeling it so is he. Can you have a frank discussion about alternative ways to spend time together, some nights alone for you and something else other than pubs for him?

I imagine OP, he has discovered, like most that don't drink, that drunk people are on the most part, boring, tedious and really fucking irritating.

He's the one having the shit night having to watch his wife turn in to that. Not the other way around.

"I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight." To sober people you just look like a muppet, tbf op.

He's the one having the shit night having to watch his wife turn in to that.

He doesn't HAVE to. No one's making him. He refused to stay home.

I think you have a few options...

Ignore him. Let him sit there with a face like a wet weekend. Make it clear that you are happy for him to leave and you'll follow on later, but you are having fun and not leaving. He can sulk into his coke all he wants, but if he gets no reaction, or you don't go home, then I'm sure he will learn after a few times thay he can't dictate the end of your night, only his.

Book different things for later on. I'm not a drinker anymore, neither are my friends. We have started doing activities such as escape room, laser quest, dance class, theatre etc then going on to a meal after. This usually takes us till between 11 and midnight, rather than 9ish.

Arrange more nights with just your friends, and change your expectations of night out with oh. Known in your head, he is ready for home at 9pm so if its a night out with him, that's when the night will pretty much end but make sure you get your fill of layer night's with your friends.

It sounds like nights of drinking and dancing aren't his thing anymore, which is fine but they are still yours, so he needs to accept either not coming, leaving early alone or sitting fed up until you are ready to leave. Don't pander to his sulking, let him get on with it and go on with your night.

He’s being a twat! Why can’t he go home when he wants to and leave you to enjoy yourself? Instead of staying with you but sulking and malingering until you agree to leave...

Perhaps it’s time you gave it up too?

Bore off you tedious Puritan.

OP, he sounds quite controlling. Is he like this in other things?

Him not drinking is not the issue. He just sounds like a total bore really, he clearly no longer enjoys nights out. I’d leave him behind personally so you can actually enjoy yourself.

He's a complete kill joy.

This would piss me off no end.

I would go out without him. End of.

If you notice it, others do too.

I think it's very controlling and I would not tolerate it.

"I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight."

To sober people you just look like a muppet, tbf op

For chatting, giggling and dancing? I don't think so! You do know sober people also chat, giggle and dance.

My DH gave up drinking a couple of years ago and if I want to go for a drink with my friends then I go myself.

I imagine OP, he has discovered, like most that don't drink, that drunk people are on the most part, boring, tedious and really fucking irritating

So don't go then?

It doesn't make a squat of difference whether you find drunk people boring, irritating, annoying etc.... If you hate it so much, don't go on a night out with people who will be getting drunk.

And the people saying OP should try it and see how boring and tedious drunk people are? Really? No one has to go teetotal if they don't want to and OP clearly doesn't.

Nothing wrong with enjoying the odd night out and a drink!

I think you need to have a firm conversation with him before your next night out. "I will be staying out until at least x time. If you don't want to do that you will either stay at home or leave without me. I won't put up with constant yawning and watch checking because it sucks the fun out of my night."

Keep it separate. Go out without him.