to find DH boring (when we go out,) now he has given up booze

[alittlerayofsunshine]

NC for this sorry, as I don't want it linking with my other posts...

So basically, DH stopped drinking alcohol some 2 and a half years ago, and whilst I know it's commendable for anyone to give up booze, I now find evenings out with him somewhat intolerable. We have been out together, with various friends and colleagues to a works party, or a random 'do,' (usually between 7 and 12 people,) around 15 times in the last 2 and a half years since he gave up booze.

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank, and we had a great night together, (and with our friends,) and would get a taxi back together (and also one there...)

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me. On the occasions I have said 'I am not ready yet as it's only 9pm, and the night is just getting going,' he says 'I will wait then,' but just sits there, refusing to dance, refusing to speak much, and looking at his diet coke on the table, looking at his watch, and yawning. So I can't enjoy it anyway, and end up just giving in, and leaving with him.

I am not saying he is boring in general, and I have no issue with him being a teetotal, and 95% of the time it's fine, as I don't drink anyway (unless we go out for a night with friends...) But he is an insufferable bore on our nights out, and it's ruining my night - almost every time. Even when me and HE go out together alone, just us 2; he still wants to leave at 9pm ish, and I am sick of it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and annoyed and say I am not going to ANY evening do again, with him there? I think I would rather just go out alone, (with my friends only,) as at least I won't have him huffing and puffing and saying he is bored, and wanting to leave at 9pm.

We are both 40-ish , and have no school age kids, so no huge reason for DH to be tired and want to leave early. And as I said, before he stopped drinking alcohol, he always wanted to stay out for the whole night.

He's not an activereally participant, he's an observer and it's completely changing the dynamic of the evening. I don't know what's so difficult to understand?

I'm in your husbands position , due to kidney disease I can drink but rarely have more than one or two. My relationship with my husband was very much about going out drinking at weekends but it's had ot change. I was really concerned he would find it an issue but now we enjoy nice meals out , theatre etc as a night out - he homebrews so enjoys a few drinks at home too and he knows if he fancies a night out with his friends then he's welcome to do so.

I'm in your husbands position ,
Me too.i can't drink due to medications and have mobility issues plus constant pain so I can't be up dancing.

I will just sit there watching everyone else have a good time if we are at a party or a wedding but other people just can't seem to accept it. Constantly people come up badgering me to get up and dance, enjoy myself etc. It's like they can't accept that I'm ok sitting there. Apparently in order to enjoy yourself you have to be drink and up dancing or else you are being miserable.

Decomposing that must be so annoying. It's perfectly possible to be enjoying yourself sitting and watching.

I can't think of anything more boring than sitting round waiting for somebody to get pissed, giggle and dance about whilst talking too loudly, making stupid comments and complaining I'm boring.
It's not middle age, it's not finding drunks entertaining.

^This. And the myriad of other posts saying the same thing. However just go out without him!

that must be so annoying. It's perfectly possible to be enjoying yourself sitting and watching.

Well, yes it is. That's why I'm wondering if maybe this is as much the OPs problem as it is her DH? She says that he has said that he's fine just sitting, watching, and it seems like much of her post is about her making value judgements on him - that he's boring, not enjoying it, looking miserable etc.

If he says that he's ok then why not just crack on with enjoying yourself? Different if he's coming up every 5 minutes whining to go home but if he is just sitting in the corner with his coke why is that affecting anyone else?

In my teens/early 20s used to drink a fair bit and was out every weekend. I had a great time.
But I don't drink now, not keen on alcohol. Actually thats a lie I had a can of Guinness last week as it was going spare and I did enjoy it. And I had a drink at New Year for the first time in about 2 years.
But a couple of years ago I went to a few pubs with an old friend (who drinks and goes out a lot) and I hated it. Loved catching up with her, but would have enjoyed a brew in the house just as much.
Everyone arond me was getting more and more drunk as the night went on and as a non drinker it was tedious.

So I think his problem is just being out socially. And its at odds with you loving it, there really is no compromise here apart from him staying at home but he won't do that?

Some people can really make their displeasure known though with the passive aggressive sighs, eye rolls, clock watching, "are you ready to go yet" etc. While at the same time insisting they're "fine".

Well, it could be that SOMETIMES liking cake means someone is a binge eater, but you'd never be so rude about someone who likes cake, would you?
It's not rude. The fact that tipsy even exists as a word which largely translates as being under the influence of alcohol enough to be a bit drunk but not drunk-drunk matters. Often when people say they like a drink or two, they do binge drink and/or consume more than recommended amounts. I'd say even on a quiet night in with the girls, a few glasses of prosecco, half a bottle of wine, couple of fun an tonics would absolutely be a binge drink and much as the euphemism tipsy seems to exist for socially nice drunkenness, the fact is it's a lot of alcohol. I wouldn't get defensive for anyone saying this.

It's not calling people alcoholics but they are often consuming lots of alcohol.

Some days I buy a cake that serves 8 and DH and I eat the lot of it in the evening. Sometimes I eat a share bag of chocolate to myself. The bottom line is that IS binge eating. I wouldn't expect anyone to pretend otherwise or call me rude for stating the fact and I'd think anyone who did had an unhealthy attitude to food because clearly they like to rewrite language to make themselves feel better.

The issue with alcohol is that it's a touchy subject and some don't wants to consider that their drinking habits aren't healthy or they over consume, so they call people fun sponges or holier than thou types because it's better to deflect and attack the people who make an observation.

"Some days I buy a cake that serves 8 and DH and I eat the lot of it in the evening."

That is binge drinking, but it doesn't mean that having one or two slices of cake is binge drinking. That is my point.

Binge eating I mean.
I'm not sure about a share bag of chocolate - they're not so big.

He's an arse. Lock him in the cupboard under the stairs and go party.

Gwenhwyfar
Some of the cakes in our local supermarket apparently serve 6-8. In our house you get 4 decent slices from it. Supermarket portion sizes are like the mythical MN chicken at times; there was another thread about a portion of halloumi recently.

It's just what we consider a decent slice of cake (and a lot of our friends) differs from what a portion is nutritionally.

I won't go back to cafes if they serve tiny slices of cake. I want to enjoy a substantial slice of cake as a treat. The fact remains that a reasonable slice of cake or two (in my eyes & not measly servings) is by far more than my daily sugar and fat allowance.

Share bags are not single portions. We just see them as not being very big bevause it makes us feel better for eating one to ourselves.

Just like someone who's having a few drinks has still been binge drinking. We just choose to pretend it isn't because it's just a couple of glasses and it's with friends and I'm only a little tipsy, if at all (and binge drinking is something that other people do, certainly not people like us who are having some civilised drinks with friends).

Binge drinking is having more than 6 units in one session.
76ml of wine is 1 unit
A large glass of wine (250ml) could be 3 or 4 units depending on wine strength
= two large glasses of wine is binge drinking

But it doesn't suit people to view it like that because it's much easier to think that binge drinking is something other people do.

"Binge drinking is having more than 6 units in one session.
76ml of wine is 1 unit
A large glass of wine (250ml) could be 3 or 4 units depending on wine strength
= two large glasses of wine is binge drinking "

A small glass of wine is about 1.5 units so when I have a couple of drinks I'm not "binge drinking".

" it doesn't suit people to view it like that because it's much easier to think that binge drinking is something other people do"

I disagree with that. I think most of us would admit if we've drunk too much on a Saturday night or a party, but going out for a couple of drinks is different.

Gwenhwyfar
That's from the DrinkAware website guidelines for women.

Going out for a couple of drinks (as I've just explained) still often involved drinking enough alcohol to be a binge drink.

It's the distinction of us vs them. (E.g. we are just enjoying a couple of drinks with friends but they would be binge drinking)

It's a bit like how middle class professionals convince themselves that just having a glass or two of wine (maybe even a bottle on stressful days) most nights is a perfectly delightful and civilised way to unwind, but of course they don't have any issues with alcohol to relieve the stress of their day. The people who have an unhealthy drinking pattern are the people who neck vodka at 11am and sit waiting for the pub to open, as people in well paid jobs, nice house, drinking nice quality alcohol they couldn't possibly be someone with a drink issue.

It's not wrong to enjoy a couple of drinks with friends. Many of us do. But it's also ridiculous when people somehow claim their civilised type of drinking is somehow not binge drinking despite consuming more than enough units of alcohol.

The idea of 'just having a couple of drinks' probably also feeds into the idea that those who aren't drinking (and as the evening develops find the tipsy merriment not as entertaining as those who are drinking) are being po faced or boring because obviously the people having their civilised drinks couldn't possibly be tipsy or drunk, no no that's for people who throw up in the streets and we aren't like that.

Do you drink at all Lola? You sound quite angry about something.

I think Lola is actually quite competently defining alcoholism Gwen. I don't detect any anger.

He's being such a dickhead OP, and I say that as the person who often wants to go home to bed at 10. I'd be very clear before you go out that you won't be going home until 3am and then proceed to ignore his attempts to fun sponge you into leaving early. Pretty sure he'll soon learn to go home alone early or stay home if he isn't willing to party late sober.

Al2O3
You're right. No anger at all.
More amusement at how people (general observation) will tend to minimise their own unhealthy habits or minimise them by comparing to people who they feel are deserving of the label and that usually means 'I drink in a respectable and civilised way so it's not a binge drink / I hold down an important professional job so when I drink to unwind that's a civilised way to switch off, whereas someone who necks a 6 pack of cans each day would have an alcohol problem'.

A binge drink is the consumption of X number of units. It doesn't matter if those units are consumed from a cheap bottle of vodka alone on a park bench, a teenage house party or a civilised evening in with friends. It's still binge drinking.

Gwenhwyfar
As I've said, many of us enjoy a drink or two with friends. I know I did before TTC and I'm currently pregnant so I'm not drinking. I never drank very regularly but would on occasion. The difference is I didn't play mental gymnastics trying to pretend that just having a few with friends was somehow better and not an alcohol binge.

YANBU - not really. I would find this irritating with someone bored and itching to get home as soon as he got there.

The options should be -

You go out without him
He comes and joins in the conversation and is happy to leave when the party is breaking up

I do find it boring, though, if I'm driving and not drinking. I would rather be at home with the telly, tbh

gandalf456
I can see it from both sides.

One of my friend's partners is one of these people who makes their feelings very clear during social gatherings. The second she has decided she doesn't like the humour or the chat her face gradually looks like thunder and it's awkward because we can sense she is eyeballing him to leave because she has had enough. The problem is she always has enough within an hour and by 2 hours it's painful trying to ignore her.

Equally, I've got friends who, once tipsy, would be very much 'come on Lola, just have a drink for old times, you seem so sad, have a dance' and so on when I was TTC (but I'd told them I was on a detox as part of fitness training). They couldn't see that i was quite happy enjoying their company from the sidelines and didn't feel like joining some of the tipsy silliness because I was sober, but it didn't make me ready to leave.

Oh my goodness OP - your husband is being such a dog in a manger/killjoy.

You have years of this ahead of you. Any thoughts on how you can resolve this - not just in the short term (eg going out without him) but in the years ahead? This sounds emotionally exhausting..