to find DH boring (when we go out,) now he has given up booze

[alittlerayofsunshine]

NC for this sorry, as I don't want it linking with my other posts...

So basically, DH stopped drinking alcohol some 2 and a half years ago, and whilst I know it's commendable for anyone to give up booze, I now find evenings out with him somewhat intolerable. We have been out together, with various friends and colleagues to a works party, or a random 'do,' (usually between 7 and 12 people,) around 15 times in the last 2 and a half years since he gave up booze.

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank, and we had a great night together, (and with our friends,) and would get a taxi back together (and also one there...)

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me. On the occasions I have said 'I am not ready yet as it's only 9pm, and the night is just getting going,' he says 'I will wait then,' but just sits there, refusing to dance, refusing to speak much, and looking at his diet coke on the table, looking at his watch, and yawning. So I can't enjoy it anyway, and end up just giving in, and leaving with him.

I am not saying he is boring in general, and I have no issue with him being a teetotal, and 95% of the time it's fine, as I don't drink anyway (unless we go out for a night with friends...) But he is an insufferable bore on our nights out, and it's ruining my night - almost every time. Even when me and HE go out together alone, just us 2; he still wants to leave at 9pm ish, and I am sick of it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and annoyed and say I am not going to ANY evening do again, with him there? I think I would rather just go out alone, (with my friends only,) as at least I won't have him huffing and puffing and saying he is bored, and wanting to leave at 9pm.

We are both 40-ish , and have no school age kids, so no huge reason for DH to be tired and want to leave early. And as I said, before he stopped drinking alcohol, he always wanted to stay out for the whole night.

I don't drink and sometimes want to go home early. So I give DH a kiss, say a cheery goodbye to everyone else and head off.

God knows why your husband can't do that?!

Opposite way round in our house, when he is drunk (once a week) DH has is own conversations, it drives me and other people mad. I find going to the pub with him a chore now

How drunk are you getting “2 or 3 times a month”?

Maybe he doesn’t want to leave you to get home on your own, if you are quite drunk?

I'm a bit like your dh in that I like early nights too. But it was my ex who used to insist I had to be out and stay out and get huffy if I wanted to go home early or stop drinking. He and his mates were often tediously boring when drunk. You sound incompatible. Have you sat down and really talked it through? I think the biggest problem is that he won't go or stay at home.

Maybe suggest some times out with him that don't involve alcohol and also start arranging nights out without including him or telling him about your plans.

If that doesn't work you'll need to think about whether you really want to stay together as this sounds like a problem that's not going away.

Perhaps going out genuinely isn’t enjoyable for him any more? And possibly, because that sounds like a boring opinion, he thinks he “should” go out?
Someone suggested on about the first page that you should talk about it during the daytime and agree that he can stay home (which is clearly what he’d prefer to do) while you go out with your friends.
You don’t have to say he’s being boring - just say that he’s clearly not enjoying evenings out, so why don’t you go alone in future?
As for nights out just the two of you: maybe you could stop thinking of it as a “night out” and instead “meal out” - so change you expectations so that you won’t be disappointed.
If you’re otherwise happy in your relationship, it would be a shame to bin everything just because you’re incompatible on nights out.

Why won't he go home without you? I don't drink much and when I've had enough I get DH to give me a call if he needs a lift home. Seems strange. I hope I don't come across presumptuous, and I don't mean this in a bad way but have you even been unfaithful? Could that be a reason why?

I voted YANBU because this is obviously a big change to your dynamic and YANBU to find that to be difficult. However, he isn't being unreasonable either. There must be a compromise to keep you both happy though, have you talked to him about this (other than on these nights out when you're both annoyed)?

I had an ex who didn't drink and it used to really annoy me that he would insist on coming on a night only to sit in a corner looking miserable all night. It used to ruin it for me and frankly I preferred going on those sort of nights out without him.

What's the reason for your oh giving up? Health or addiction reasons - I'm not sure you can really complain about it. But you can give him the option to stay home and explain that while you support his choice it is his choice and you still like to enjoy yourself with a few drinks

YANBU - he's not being very considerate here. Have you talked to him about it?

I understand both of you! I used to love going out, the sparkling converstaion, the laughing, the dancing...

Then I quit drinking and quickly discovered it wasn't actually that at all. Noisy, smelly, crowded bars. Friends who had previously seemes witty starting to repeat themselves endlessly, and finding the most inane things hilarious. And the dancing...

I honestly think if everyone in those places had to be sober, no one would want to go.

It's like having a veil lifted. But if you are still in that place of mind then I can see why his behaviour also annoys you. Can you go out seperately?

It's not the drinking/not drinking that's the issue. It's his behaviour and wanting to control you.

I get really tired but I'll leave my DH to it if he's out enjoying himself. I don't try and insist he comes back with me or make it uncomfortable for him to stay.

It's interesting that when you are alone together he does the same thing but then stays up late.

You need a serious conversation about this and then when you do go out, stick to your guns and ignore him.

He's sucking the joy out of everything for you.

I am the one in my relationship who wants to be home in bed early, although I do drink, I'm just crap at staying up late. DH stays out sometimes, and others he comes back with me. I do get your DH's fear of missing out, but that is his issue, it is not fair for him to ruin your night. Have you talked about this with him?

Yeah i agree i don't find either of you unreasonable. It is generally quite dull being at a night out where the main focus is getting drunk if you are sober. Not all the time.

Maybe he shouldn't come to those kind of events if they're not fun for him but you do your own thing.. You could also try different things so he's not missing out, meals out, activities etc that you can all enjoy.
However he has a responsibility not to sit round like eeyore the donkey putting a downer on everyone else cause he can't booze anymore.

Be careful what you wish for. My husband when sober is funny, intelligent, brilliant company. But then he drinks and turns into a cunt.

I'm a non-drinker, but I go to dance classes and thoroughly enjoy them.

I think it could help to think about things you'd both like to do outside the house and do some going out as a couple. There are early films, classes that begin at 7, the possibility of going out for a meal in the first part of the evening.

I do think just wanting to stop home and watch telly is a bit dull. And it's silly of your partner to go on nights out that he doesn't enjoy. I think a relationship is a lot healthier when people give each other space.

But I don't think the OP is going to get back to the earlier state of the relationship where her partner was a boozing, party animal. Sometimes one person changes and then a kind of mutual adjustment is required.

It sounds like you idea of a night out is no longer comparable with DHs idea of a night out. Which is sad when it’s something you’ve previously shared.

Probably best to do ‘nights out’ without him or tell him in advance that you will go together, but you want him to go home when he is ready with good grace and leave you to get a taxi.

The grumpy ‘i’ll Wait’ martyr act is really unattractive and quite rude.

Does he see his friends in other contexts now that aren’t drinking and late nights?

. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me.

Why not? Why would this be so hard? Or just leave him at home for such events.

My bf does this. Not regards drinking and nights out, but to events. I'd there is a let's say a market in town. I ask him if he wants to go and he cheekily says yes. We go and he miserably walks behind me. He doejst want to get food or drink cause he is not sure about hygiene ratings. The band is too loud and there is too many people. If I give him an option if going home he immediately wants to leave. This thi g ruins my market experience. If he Didn't want to come then he could have said so and I would have asked a friend. Then the next time I dont ask him and he is sulking that I don't want to go with him cause he likes them. It's a no win.

@Rezie

My bf does this. Not regards drinking and nights out, but to events. I'd there is a let's say a market in town. I ask him if he wants to go and he cheekily says yes. We go and he miserably walks behind me. He doejst want to get food or drink cause he is not sure about hygiene ratings. The band is too loud and there is too many people. If I give him an option if going home he immediately wants to leave. This thi g ruins my market experience. If he Didn't want to come then he could have said so and I would have asked a friend. Then the next time I dont ask him and he is sulking that I don't want to go with him cause he likes them. It's a no win.

Urgh, why do women put up with this shit from men? I know at least half a dozen women who have men who are like this, and like the OP's DH. They are mood hoovers, and fun sponges, who moan and gripe and sigh on an evening out, because they are bored. Yet still insist on going out.

Are these men just suffering FOMO (fear of missing out?) or are they actually being controlling?

Either way, they need to just fuck off and stay in, and let their women enjoy themselves. As a pp said, this martyr act, where they say 'it's OK I will just wait' is sickening. I would literally refuse to go out with my DH if he kept doing this.

My DH sometimes does similar. When I go to the doctors, hairdressers, specialist at the hospital etc, he always wants to come, but then sits there bored, and getting irritated when they are more than 2-3 minutes late, pacing up and down and making loud comments about how 'this is going on twitter later, this is an outrage, and i pay my taxes for this shit.'

I would much rather just go on my own and be relaxed and read a book or magazine whilst I am waiting.

As for going out and wanting to come back but not wanting to go without you? Very weird.

LOL at when I put 'mood hoover' it put a link to hoovers. WTAF?

I was tee total for years for health purposes. I never learnt to like drunk people while sober.

But instead of being crappy about it, I would either a) go, come home early and on my own or b) not go and not complain.

And yes, mock the hungover people the next day!

When I was at uni I used to run our entertainments tech stuff. I would regularly get set up, stay til everyone was drunk and having a good time and then go home to bed. Mobile on so they could ring if something broke and alarm set for 3am when I would get up, clear up and go back to bed. There would have been no point in my being a killjoy.

Well that's the thing @Nacreous why would you not just go home?

On the rare occasion I have been not drinking, I have been bored and fed up around all the tipsy people being a bit lairy and loud (and some people are, some people aren't.) So I have gone home. To sit there with a face like a wet Monday morning, with a cat's-bum-face, folded arms, clock watching, and saying 'I'll just wait' is a piss take.

I must admit I would struggle to be teetotal, but if I was I would not be staying out late with people who are tipsy/pissed. Why would you want to stay?

Totally agree with all those saying that this isn't really about drinking, rather it's about his attitude and unwillingness to do anything separate. My OH likes to watch a certain sport, I dont. It would be like me insisting I go along to see the match with him and his friends and then sitting there complaining about how bored and tired I was and how I hate this sport. Which would be totally mental. OP you really need to get to the bottom of why he insists on going out with you when he clearly hates it. I couldn't live with this kind of behaviour