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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find DH boring (when we go out,) now he has given up booze

172 replies

alittlerayofsunshine · 13/07/2019 22:21

NC for this sorry, as I don't want it linking with my other posts...

So basically, DH stopped drinking alcohol some 2 and a half years ago, and whilst I know it's commendable for anyone to give up booze, I now find evenings out with him somewhat intolerable. We have been out together, with various friends and colleagues to a works party, or a random 'do,' (usually between 7 and 12 people,) around 15 times in the last 2 and a half years since he gave up booze.

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank, and we had a great night together, (and with our friends,) and would get a taxi back together (and also one there...)

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me. On the occasions I have said 'I am not ready yet as it's only 9pm, and the night is just getting going,' he says 'I will wait then,' but just sits there, refusing to dance, refusing to speak much, and looking at his diet coke on the table, looking at his watch, and yawning. So I can't enjoy it anyway, and end up just giving in, and leaving with him. Sad

I am not saying he is boring in general, and I have no issue with him being a teetotal, and 95% of the time it's fine, as I don't drink anyway (unless we go out for a night with friends...) But he is an insufferable bore on our nights out, and it's ruining my night - almost every time. Even when me and HE go out together alone, just us 2; he still wants to leave at 9pm ish, and I am sick of it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and annoyed and say I am not going to ANY evening do again, with him there? I think I would rather just go out alone, (with my friends only,) as at least I won't have him huffing and puffing and saying he is bored, and wanting to leave at 9pm.

We are both 40-ish , and have no school age kids, so no huge reason for DH to be tired and want to leave early. And as I said, before he stopped drinking alcohol, he always wanted to stay out for the whole night.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 14/07/2019 19:02

Before accepting an invitation out you could suggest that he either stays home or attends and leaves whenever he wishes, alone. Ask him directly not to come out but then show visible boredom and disinterest in the company.

If he then does it again, ignore him on the night and tell him your feelings about it.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/07/2019 22:41

"I also wonder if it might be worth mixing up what you do on a night out so you’re doing more gigs/ comedy nights/ watching live sports/ shows etc etc. Stuff where there’s an “event” happening that means it isn’t as apparent who is and isn’t drinking,"

Why should she if she likes going out to have a drink and a chat. I don't do any of the things you mention above because they don't interest me. If I'm out in company, I want to talk to people, not sit there quietly watching something I could have watched on TV at home for free.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/07/2019 22:44

"it's not finding drunks entertaining."

Are you saying OP's a drunk? Or everyone who has a couple of drinks is a drunk??

Gwenhwyfar · 14/07/2019 22:49

"Please someone come up with a good range of non-alcoholic, non sugary drinks!"

It wouldn't change much. You still wouldn't be able to drink all evening. You're not going to feel thirst or an interest in a different drink every time someone wants an alcoholic drink. When I go out and don't drink, I do find that I go home earlier. The conversation sort of just stops for me. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just a different thing to going out and having a few drinks. OP and her DH have different going out styles so they'd be better off going out separately.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/07/2019 22:52

"Can you stop drinking too? "

Why the hell should she?

DustyMaiden · 14/07/2019 22:53

I don’t drink, I still laugh, dance and stay out all night.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/07/2019 22:56

"And 40, I am 40, is not too old to enjoy a night out with dinner/drinks/good company and dancing and heaven forbid you'd have one too many!"

Exactly. I don't go to clubs, but I do go to pubs and there are people MUCH older than 40 there.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 14/07/2019 23:03

Yanbu to want a fun night without someone clock watching but yabu that half a bottle of wine lasts you 2-3 hours,I could inhale that in half an hour Grin

Loopytiles · 14/07/2019 23:04

Am envious of people who can dance when sober!

Gwenhwyfar · 14/07/2019 23:08

Loopy - I wouldn't bother dancing or going much if I'm not drinking, but I might learn to dance sober if I'd given up drinking forever.
I don't bother going out when doing dry January. I could go out, but it's boring and hard work so easier to stay in.

onceandneveragain · 16/07/2019 17:08

Wow, watch this thread attract the fun-suckers and the deliberately obtuse!

So many posters who are adamant that drinking=drunk/a drink problem. There is a big difference between people getting absolutely wasted and acting like idiots (which can be annoying), and what the vast majority of people over 20 who have learnt to manage their alcohol do, which is just having a drink while maintaining a conversation/activity with pleasant company - you know, generally having fun.

OP has explained he is like this whatever the activity or company. If her DP cannot enjoy himself either with good friends or alone with his partner, either out at an actively social place like a pub/restaurant or somewhere intimate with the emphasis on external entertainment, like the cinema/theatre, then when the fuck can he enjoy himself?

LolaSmiles · 16/07/2019 17:16

He's not unreasonable for finding tipsy/drink people boring and social occasions around drinking boring.

He should however acknowledge that and stay home or be willing to leave early on his own.

I do however think you're wrong to think he was more fun etc when he drank. I think a lot of people drink because it's expected and view alcohol as a key part of socialising. When you're not part of the getting drunk and silly element of socialising it's just not fun and sober people don't find drunk people anywhere near as funny as drunk people do.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/07/2019 20:06

"Wow, watch this thread attract the fun-suckers and the deliberately obtuse!

So many posters who are adamant that drinking=drunk/a drink problem. There is a big difference between people getting absolutely wasted and acting like idiots (which can be annoying), and what the vast majority of people over 20 who have learnt to manage their alcohol do, which is just having a drink while maintaining a conversation/activity with pleasant company - you know, generally having fun."

There's a huge anti-alcohol element on MN. It's funny because there is one poster who claims there's more criticism of being overweight than of drinking on MN, which couldn't be further from the truth.
A thread would be taken down if someone compared anyone having a piece of cake to an uncontrollable binge eater, but it's totally acceptable to call anyone who likes a drink a 'drunk' and other exaggerated insults.

blackteasplease · 16/07/2019 20:17

The bit where he's horribly unreasonable is when he refused to leave you and go but then sits clock watch ing and yawning. It's much better he doesn't come or comes but leaves when he's had enough.

What he's doing in refusing to leave unless you do but being visibly bored and impatient sounds quite controlling tbh

LolaSmiles · 16/07/2019 20:17

Gwenhwyfar
Often liking a drink does still mean binge drinking and being drunk. Sometimes we minimise and think drunk means paralytic in the street and throwing up when I would imagine what a lot of us count as tipsy after a few social drinks is actually not a small amount. I say this thinking about my own drinking pre TTC/pregnancy.

It doesn't make someone a drunk, but as a sober person watching others who are drunk or on the way there is boring.

RosesAndRaindrops · 16/07/2019 20:57

I was going to say YABU, as good on him for giving up.
He expects you to go home with him though?
Balls to that, why aren't you "allowed" to stay out by yourself?
That way you can stay out if you want and he gets to go home.
I can see both sides as it is a lot less fun on a night out if you're just on the lemonade.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/07/2019 08:34

"Gwenhwyfar
Often liking a drink does still mean binge drinking and being drunk. "

Well, it could be that SOMETIMES liking cake means someone is a binge eater, but you'd never be so rude about someone who likes cake, would you?
And it's not your place to assume someone is lying when they say they like a drink.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/07/2019 08:44

Abitfedup, your husband goes with you to the doctors and the hairdressers? An you're actually ok with that? Shocky

Never mind that he paces up and down as if it's all about him; why is he even there?

LoubyLou1234 · 19/07/2019 08:52

Oops I missed the memo about giving up going out in your twenties! I'm 40 I love going out in an evening, granted it's not as late as I don't sleep well. However we go for meals then few drinks after, meet friends for drinks in a few bars etc. Why not? It's not about getting wasted I can't do that at all but I didn't realise socialising with alcohol had an age limit. I also do lots that doesn't involve a drink or late night btw

Op being tea total is great if that's what you want but he is using that as an excuse to be boring and miserable. Plenty of tea total people enjoy themselves on a night out. IF he doesn't enjoy being there then he should either not go or go for an hour or two then leave you to it so he can watch tv at home.

Halloumimuffin · 19/07/2019 09:01

Lot of teetotallers on this thread projecting their insecurities on the OP. It doesn't matter if anyone thinks drinking and staying out late is boring - OP doesn't, and she has a mismatch with her husband who seems determined to make himself a nuisance and stop her having fun rather than take the other options available to him. YANBU OP.

TruffleShuffles · 19/07/2019 09:05

Christ if he’s half as tedious as the non drinkers on this thread I really do feel your pain OP....

YANBU.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 19/07/2019 09:06

HIBU for not going home without you - that's very controlling of him!

I'm not a big drinker and am not great at staying out late but I'm perfectly happy taking myself off home if I get tired - I have no need to be glued at the hip to my DH, I'd rather he had fun without me! You need to put your foot down about going out without him.

maddening · 19/07/2019 09:06

My dh has given up booze due to horrendous hangovers, he hates going out - however it works for us as he stays home with ds and I go out with friends - infact going out today to Liverpool and staying over in a hotel 🍸🍸😎

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/07/2019 09:08

Agree with Halloumimuffin (although I'm a teetotaller). As long as nobody minds that I don't drink, I don't mind that they do.

I don't think that the drinking is actually the issue for the OP but the insisting by him to go out with her and then refusing to leave without her therefore making her feel awkward. That's what's wrong and it's completely understandable. I'd be tired of it too.

DecomposingComposers · 19/07/2019 09:20

He says he doesn't mind waiting, but as I said, I do mind it, because it ruins my night, him sitting there quiet and bored, and wanting to leave.

Is this your issue rather than his? Is it that he is ok just sitting there but you want him to be up talking and dancing and the fact that he isn't is what is ruining your night? So, you can only enjoy yourself if he is doing what you are doing? If he says he doesn't mind sitting there quietly why can't you just leave him to it?

Are these mutual friends that he just wouldn't see if he didn't come out to these events? Maybe that's why he doesn't stay at home or go home early, because he wants to see his friends and this is the only way to do it? If this is happening 2 to 3 times a month that's practically every week - that's a lot of things he will be missing out on if he doesn't go. Plus, where's his chance to do something that he enjoys of every week is taken up by you wanting to go out and party?

Clearly, you are incompatible now.