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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find DH boring (when we go out,) now he has given up booze

172 replies

alittlerayofsunshine · 13/07/2019 22:21

NC for this sorry, as I don't want it linking with my other posts...

So basically, DH stopped drinking alcohol some 2 and a half years ago, and whilst I know it's commendable for anyone to give up booze, I now find evenings out with him somewhat intolerable. We have been out together, with various friends and colleagues to a works party, or a random 'do,' (usually between 7 and 12 people,) around 15 times in the last 2 and a half years since he gave up booze.

So, 2-3 hours into the evening, (and by 9 to 9.30pm, and half a bottle of wine later,) I am really enjoying the night, and wanting to chat and giggle and dance til way past midnight. But DH wants to go home because he is 'bored' or tired or 'doesn't feel well.' He used to love staying out til the wee, small hours when he drank, and we had a great night together, (and with our friends,) and would get a taxi back together (and also one there...)

I am pissed off with now leaving 3 to 4 hours before everyone else. I can't stay on my own, because he won't go without me. On the occasions I have said 'I am not ready yet as it's only 9pm, and the night is just getting going,' he says 'I will wait then,' but just sits there, refusing to dance, refusing to speak much, and looking at his diet coke on the table, looking at his watch, and yawning. So I can't enjoy it anyway, and end up just giving in, and leaving with him. Sad

I am not saying he is boring in general, and I have no issue with him being a teetotal, and 95% of the time it's fine, as I don't drink anyway (unless we go out for a night with friends...) But he is an insufferable bore on our nights out, and it's ruining my night - almost every time. Even when me and HE go out together alone, just us 2; he still wants to leave at 9pm ish, and I am sick of it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and annoyed and say I am not going to ANY evening do again, with him there? I think I would rather just go out alone, (with my friends only,) as at least I won't have him huffing and puffing and saying he is bored, and wanting to leave at 9pm.

We are both 40-ish , and have no school age kids, so no huge reason for DH to be tired and want to leave early. And as I said, before he stopped drinking alcohol, he always wanted to stay out for the whole night.

OP posts:
NeckPainChairSearch · 13/07/2019 23:44

the drink is irrelevant

I agree. The posts about 'boring drunk people' are missing the point. The DH's behaviour is key, not what he's drinking.

Original poster
alittlerayofsunshine · 13/07/2019 23:45

@CalmdownJanet

I'm really surprised the vote is so close and really think people are missing the point. Did the people who say "yabu, I don't drink and find drunk people boring" just vote on those grounds? I mean what about the actual problem here, the drink is irrelevant. Op cannot go out alone without her dh wanting to go and then when he does go he ruins her night and when she compromises and doesn't drink he still acts like a miserable old man wanting to be home early every single time. Seriously at 40 you have years and years of this, you need to sort it out or he will zap your life of fun and you are way too young for that.

Thanks 'calmdownjanet' ... I think some people MAY have missed the point/not read the OP properly... Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
alittlerayofsunshine · 13/07/2019 23:45

@VenusTiger

I think next time you all go out, you should drink the same as your OH and you might end up feeling the same and leave early with him.... nice cosy early night. 👍🏻

If I wanted that I would just not go out! Confused

What's more, we spend about 80% of the evenings in anyway!

@justasking111

When we don't go out, he sometimes stays up til midnight! In fact when we come home early, (like 9pm) he stays up for 3 hours when we get in. He just doesn't want to be out past 9pm, as he gets 'bored,' but doesn't want to leave me! Angry

He claims (sometimes) that he is tired by 9pm-ish, yet often stays up another 3 hours after we get in. Sooooooooo annoying.

@ButchyRestingFace

Maybe if you tried tee-totalism one night you’d be even glummer than him and in tucked up in bed for 9pm sharp, OP? Grin

Not a chance LOL! Grin

In answer to what someone asked earlier, our relationship is fine otherwise..... But nights out/evenings out were much better when he drank. Not to excess, but just a couple of glasses of wine! Confused

OP posts:
Littlemissadequate · 13/07/2019 23:48

You have three children. Sadly Christopher is not with you. And for you that is unbearable and for us and your friend, it is tragic.
Christopher is now and always part of you. He may not be in your arms but you have created him as much as he has created you as the person you are now and will always be. Christopher and you are equals.
For your friend to dismiss baby Christopher they are dismissing you for without him you would not be you.

Original poster
alittlerayofsunshine · 13/07/2019 23:51

Wrong thread @Littlemissadequate??? Confused

OP posts:
Littlemissadequate · 13/07/2019 23:53

Oh shit. Wrong post.
For you I’d say...great dh. Always sober, always awake first thing and of course we know it’s bst for his health. Be happy OP pissed sex with a sober partner is the best. You’ve no inhibitions and he’s point perfect. Flirt, have fun and enjoy.

Messyisthenewtidy · 14/07/2019 00:04

There are no hardware stores in the village past midnight. Grin

Perhaps you need to drink even more to make him seem interesting and just refuse to go home.

CalmdownJanet · 14/07/2019 00:05

Well I think we can all agree you can just ignore that fucking ridiculous comment Confused

notangelinajolie · 14/07/2019 00:07

Can you stop drinking too? I stopped smoking because my DH to be didn't smoke. And on nights out if he is driving and not drinking - then I don't drink either. Next time, leave the party early and spend some time alone together.

Loopytiles · 14/07/2019 00:09

He’s not U not to enjoy being around pissed people, but is U to hassle you to leave so early because he wishes to, or stay out but be moody and bad company.

I’d suggest he gives it a miss, or if he refuses to leave alone but is moody, ignore him.

Original poster
alittlerayofsunshine · 14/07/2019 00:16

@notangelinajolie

Can you stop drinking too?

No. I have neither the desire to, or a reason to. I only drink socially 2-3 times a month max anyway...

And as I said, even when we go out and I DON'T drink, he still wants to go home early, because he gets bored and tired. So we leave and go home at 9pm, and then he stays up watching TV til midnight or 1am! Hmm He never wanted to leave early on a night out before he stopped drinking alcohol.

@CalmdownJanet

I think we can all ignore that fucking ridiculous comment.

Do you mean the one saying 'pissed sex with a sober partner is the best???

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 14/07/2019 00:29

Look it doesn't matter if anyone thinks it's boring going out and dancing and drinking. That's not the point. OP enjoys it and her DH is making it miserable for her. He should stay home and STFU. She's only in her 40's, she's not bloody dead yet.+

^This

marvik · 14/07/2019 00:33

It sounds as though you're not getting on well. Are there things you like and value about him? Or would you be happier as a single woman?

Oblomov19 · 14/07/2019 00:33

He sounds insufferable and that has nothing to do with the alcohol. I really think you need to talk to him about all of this.

CalmdownJanet · 14/07/2019 00:37

alittlerayofsunshine yes that's the very one 😂 though then that was followed by "just give up the drink, go home early with him and enjoy his company", though apparently if you give up the drink and go home early the sex won't be as good because you won't be pissed and he won't be point perfect 😂 for fuck sake!

Original poster
alittlerayofsunshine · 14/07/2019 00:37

@marvik

Oh no, I don't want to leave him and be a single woman at all. I just want things to go back to how they were (before he stopped drinking.) Everything is fine apart from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
alittlerayofsunshine · 14/07/2019 00:40

@CalmdownJanet

Yeah I was a bit Shock at that comment ... Go home pissed and let him shag you while he sober. (As it is better that way apparently!)

OR stop drinking, go out, come back at 9pm, then go to bed at 9.30pm and be as boring as him! Grin

OP posts:
zen1 · 14/07/2019 00:48

It is very unreasonable of him to not want to go home alone if he’s ‘tired’ and to not want to stay at home if you want to go out with your mates. Sounds like he’s trying to control your behaviour and doesn’t like to see you enjoying yourself. No problem with him giving up drinking or wanting to go to bed early, but it shouldn’t impinge upon you every time you go out.

surreysnapper · 14/07/2019 06:14

Has he stopped drinking because he's an alcoholic?, If that's the case then maybe being around booze is really tricky for him???

BiscuitDrama · 14/07/2019 07:05

Well this is annoying So we leave and go home at 9pm, and then he stays up watching TV til midnight or 1am!

Mummadeeze · 14/07/2019 07:17

No advice but am sympathetic. He sounds annoying on a night out and I understand why you would want to leave him at home. I think some ‘girls nights’ are in order. But do think you should plan some nice non-drinking date nights with him like cinema or comedy club or theatre to balance it out.

1300cakes · 14/07/2019 07:18

So I am wondering if IWBU to demand that I go out without him

That would be perfectly reasonable.

tttigress · 14/07/2019 07:25

I've actually tried to cut down on drinking myself.

The social aspect is one problem, constantly being badgered to drink.

One conclusion I have come to is that we actually have a night out in a very limited way. Just drinking, standing around and chatting.

Is there no activity you could take up together that would be the centre of the night instead of drinking? Even if the main part of the night was a meal, that might be an improvement.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 14/07/2019 07:31

@Mummadeeze the OP has said a couple of times that even when it's just the two of them going out, and she doesn't drink, he still wants to go home at 9pm before staying up for a further three hours. The drink almost seems incidental.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, even after many years, I'd be bored by very drunk people around me but I definitely wouldn't use that to control anyone else. I would either do something else or I'd make my excuses and leave. No way would I want to spoil anyone's evening because of what is completely my issue - and I don't project that on to others either.

Plus this isn't, from what OP says, a weekly event! It's a few times in a year - hardly a big deal to have different interests that you both enjoy.

LizzieSiddal · 14/07/2019 07:31

Oh no, I don't want to leave him and be a single woman at all. I just want things to go back to how they were (before he stopped drinking.) Everything is fine apart from this.

Be careful here. We’ve got friends who have just separated, as the Dh stopped drinking and he cannot get on with his wife who now thinks he’s “boring” because he won’t have a drink anymore. She is absolutely devastated that he’s left.

I think you both need to compromise. You need to stop thinking he’s boring because he doesn’t drink, he will be getting that message from you and that’s not nice to think a spouse thinks you’re boring. He also need to compromise, so if you go out together have nights where you go home with him and nights where he goes home without you.

Compromise and respect from both of you, is key here!

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