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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not know what's fair re: finances after baby

160 replies

chiccocico · 13/07/2019 21:43

Can someone help me make sense of finances after a baby, I genuinely can't see what's fair.
So me and DP (not married) both earn the same salary. We have lived together for 4 years (I moved into his house which he purchased a year before we met).

For three years I paid him rent and I bought all the food. He paid his mortgage and all bills. Finances are separate.

Had a baby a year ago and have been on mat leave for a year. For the first few months of mat leave the arrangement remained the same as I was receiving more or less the same salary. At around month 4 when my income stopped we agreed that I stop paying rent but I have been continuing to pay food and majority of baby expenses.

Before baby we both had around 30k each in savings but I have spent nearly 4k of mine this year. About a year ago DP started overpaying on his mortgage so he is overpaying by double what his mortgage is. He says he more or less breaks even every month now so he can't save any more and on some months he has had to dip into his savings to cover this extra cost.

We have no help with childcare we will be using a childminder. I think he was expecting me to pay for the childminder from my wages as he has so much going out from his account. But I explained to him that he is choosing to pay off his mortgage early and that if we split up I would get nothing from that and my savings would get eaten up so I would be so much worse off. We have also discussed me going part time- 3 or 4 days.

We got into an arguement about it today and he said if I want to split it down the middle we can but I will end up paying more than I am now and that he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house. It has left me really confused and I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this is really confusing I have tried to explain it the best I can.

OP posts:
Countrylifeornot · 13/07/2019 21:46

Buy yourself a buy to let or something, or use your savings to buy a place together.
You'll be out on your ear with nothing if you split as things stand.
Don't go part time unless you have a firm agreement of who pays what and its equitable.

Yellowweatherwarning · 13/07/2019 21:48

Send him an invite for 50% of the entire life of your dc for childcare...

Original poster
chiccocico · 13/07/2019 21:49

We were planning on putting my savings in and buying a bigger house in a few years but now I can just see all my savings disappearing. We also want another baby fairly soon (him more so than me) but this is really putting me off.

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 13/07/2019 21:50

So he seriously expects you to pay for all childcare whilst he feathers his own nest by massively over paying his mortgage? Fuck that.

Don't go pt op, this doesn't sound like a man who sees you as a family.

flowery · 13/07/2019 21:51

Why aren’t you married? That doesn’t sound like it’s supposed to, I just mean it in the sense that having children with this man without being married is leaving you vulnerable, so is there a reason you aren’t married?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/07/2019 21:52

He wants you to come out of having a baby with nothing as all your money goes on childcare, while his money goes towards his house and future?

Why does he not think paying half for his child is his responsibility?

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 13/07/2019 21:53

Get married, small legal ceremony so a wedding later if you want. You're jeopardising your own financial independence and future (NIC pension etc) by taking mat leave, going part time etc and your rent has been paying his mortgage. He'd walk away with a house that you've helped him pay for and toys wash away with diminished savings, diminished career prospects and finished long term financial stability

wtftodo · 13/07/2019 21:53

Also not married. The moment we had a baby, we pooled everything. we each get the same spending money. Two kids and various job traumas later, this has worked out well for each of us.

Original poster
chiccocico · 13/07/2019 21:54

He doesn't see things the same way. He sees it as him paying it off for OUR future. He has also offered for me to quit work on numerous occasions and that he would.support us so he isn't being a total shit. He just assumes we will never split up.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/07/2019 21:54

He is being very selfish.

Youngandfree · 13/07/2019 21:55

My advice is either go and get your own property to invest in ASAP or sit him down and tell him you want to buy a house for the two of you to raise your family in!!! That way it’s even!

Purpleartichoke · 13/07/2019 21:55

You are taking care of his child. He should be compensating you for at least 50% of your lost income.

MollyHuaCha · 13/07/2019 21:56

If he assumes you will not split up, then will he consent to adding your name to the house ownership documents?

Rainbowsintherain · 13/07/2019 21:57

You’ll have lots of people come along to give you solid advice. I can only speak from my own experience. DH and I weren’t married when we had DC1. DH earned 3x my salary when we first moved in together (I was pregnant), now he earns 10x my salary. We have ‘one’ money pot. We have never had a ‘you earn x you contribute y’ conversation. All the money earned goes to paying for our lifestyle- mortgage, bills, childcare, holidays. Maybe I’m
Just naive and extremely fortunate, but I simple don’t understand these threads where people are living as a family unit but arguing over who pays for what from the tesco shop. You are earning less, your PD presumably agreed for you to live with him and have a child therefore he needs to contribute more to general living costs (which doesn’t include overpaying into his mortgage to which you have no claim).

Original poster
chiccocico · 13/07/2019 21:58

I don't think we will get married. We completely disagree on the type of wedding we want so it won't happen. He wants a proper celebration with everyone there. I would want to elope.

OP posts:
DCICarolJordan · 13/07/2019 21:58

So.... you get to pay all child related costs while he pays off his mortgage at an accelerated rate, of which you have no claim whatsoever? What a generous, prince among men he is.
You are extremely financially vulnerable here, OP and for your own sake do not even consider another child until you have some financial protections in place.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/07/2019 21:58

Wow what a catch he is Hmm a good partner would be only too happy to help.

Yellowweatherwarning · 13/07/2019 21:59

He gives zero fucks about splitting up as he knows he will be quids in and you will have nowt.
He intends to keep it like that. Suggest a small wedding. Bet his face falls...

Digitalash · 13/07/2019 21:59

If he's paying it off for YOUR future then he doesn't mind your name going on the mortgage and half the house being yours surely? (Minus his deposit). Why should he not have to pay anything towards his child? He's living on cloud nine.

What's fair is your name goes on the mortgage all money is put in one pot all bills go out of one pot (including childminder) and what's left is split.

Babyblues052 · 13/07/2019 22:00

Once we had our ds (also not married yet but living together) we put our money together all bills are paid, money put away for ds and whatever is left gets split down the middle 50/50, we can do whatever we want with that money. It works for us, simple and both happy with it.

PrincessSarene · 13/07/2019 22:00

It doesn’t help now, but this really should have been discussed and agreed before you actually had a child together. But as for what to do now, then I think him choosing to have children with you should be taken to mean he’s happy that you’re a family together. Therefore a fair approach would be for income from now on to be pooled and all expenses paid out of the combined pot. All financial decisions (such as overpaying the mortgage) should be agreed together. You could see a solicitor to get an agreement drawn up re what happens to the house in the event of a break up - something that protects his initial investment but also gives you a right to a share of it as you have given up your savings and ongoing earnings to have his child(ren).

DCICarolJordan · 13/07/2019 22:01

‘He sees it as paying it off for our future’
No, he doesn’t. Because he wants legal documents ensuring you can never claim on the house. He sees it as paying it off for HIS future.

HorridHenrysNits · 13/07/2019 22:02

How is the early mortgage repayment for your shared future when the house is only in your name? There are more red flags here than a Communist convention.

JoJoSM2 · 13/07/2019 22:02

It sounds a mess. I'm also in the camp of 'family money' and equal spending money regardless of who earns what.

I also think getting married is important to protect yourself. I don't think you'd have any right to a penny out of the house if you split. If you go part-time, you'll be much worse off pension-wise. You're basically in a vulnerable position.

And a BTL for yourself isn't that simple. Generally, you won't be able to get a BTL mortgage if you haven't got a home yourself to live in. Not to mention the large pot of money needed to purchase, pay extra stamp duty and have a buffer in case of repairs, void periods or dodgy tenants.

Babyblues052 · 13/07/2019 22:02

Also I think it's definitely not okay that you've to pay for the child while he pays off his mortgage, securing his future but leaving you with no savings. Sounds like a dick move to me.