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Original poster

to not know what's fair re: finances after baby

160 replies

chiccocico · 13/07/2019 21:43

Can someone help me make sense of finances after a baby, I genuinely can't see what's fair.
So me and DP (not married) both earn the same salary. We have lived together for 4 years (I moved into his house which he purchased a year before we met).

For three years I paid him rent and I bought all the food. He paid his mortgage and all bills. Finances are separate.

Had a baby a year ago and have been on mat leave for a year. For the first few months of mat leave the arrangement remained the same as I was receiving more or less the same salary. At around month 4 when my income stopped we agreed that I stop paying rent but I have been continuing to pay food and majority of baby expenses.

Before baby we both had around 30k each in savings but I have spent nearly 4k of mine this year. About a year ago DP started overpaying on his mortgage so he is overpaying by double what his mortgage is. He says he more or less breaks even every month now so he can't save any more and on some months he has had to dip into his savings to cover this extra cost.

We have no help with childcare we will be using a childminder. I think he was expecting me to pay for the childminder from my wages as he has so much going out from his account. But I explained to him that he is choosing to pay off his mortgage early and that if we split up I would get nothing from that and my savings would get eaten up so I would be so much worse off. We have also discussed me going part time- 3 or 4 days.

We got into an arguement about it today and he said if I want to split it down the middle we can but I will end up paying more than I am now and that he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house. It has left me really confused and I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this is really confusing I have tried to explain it the best I can.

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 14/07/2019 19:37

Get Married or have your name on the mortgage and split finances like grown ups within 6 months or leave him

lovelilies · 15/07/2019 18:22

How are things now, OP?

Chovihano · 15/07/2019 18:28

You need to be married to protect yourself, so you don't end up with nothing.
You have a family, all money should be family money and you should be able to access all of it.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 15/07/2019 18:35

Get married. Quick legal ceremony. Don’t have another kid without marriage.

shieldmaidenofrohan · 15/07/2019 18:47

Why on earth have you had a baby with him outside of marriage in these circumstances

Probably because young women are endlessly told that marriage is an outdated institution and is just a bit of paper. The myths about "common law marriage" are peddled endlessly. She probably is young and has no idea of the legal consequences.

Marriage is the cheapest form of legal and financialprotection there is

Batqueen · 15/07/2019 18:50

He has only been able to overpay by so much because you have been covering his share of the childcare. Therefore any equity you build up should not start from just your savings amount when you remortgage. It should be your savings plus the share of his childcare/expenses you covered.

doodleygirl · 15/07/2019 18:52

Why do so many women put themselves in this position?
Did you not discuss how finances would work before the baby arrived?

M0reGinPlease · 15/07/2019 22:04

Probably because young women are endlessly told that marriage is an outdated institution and is just a bit of paper. The myths about "common law marriage" are peddled endlessly. She probably is young and has no idea of the legal consequences.

OP isn't necessarily young. I am mid-thirties and plenty of my friends don't understand the legal protection you only have through marriage.

Blankscreen · 16/07/2019 11:16

Op I feel sorry for you you have found yourself in a tricky situation. In essence though whilst he says he paying it off for your future he's not as he doesn't want you getting his house.
You need to consider whether you want to be with someone with this mentality. also does he really want to be married? Call his bluff and say you'll have a big wedding and see his reaction.....

Do not rush to have another baby as you may well find yourself trying to fund two children out of you one salary.
Do not reduce your earnings/go patr time whilst you are in this situation

If he wants it to be ' His'house then I would suggest the following as being 'fair'

He pays his mortgage
You split all other bills 50/50 a including childcare and child costs.
You split all nursery drops off and pick ups 50/50
You pay him rent at the rate of a lodger which for tax purposes can't be more than £65 a week I think.

If he then chooses to overpay his mortgage so be it that's his choice.

You need to sit back and decide whether you want to stay with someone like this.

Blankscreen · 16/07/2019 11:23

Also how the hell would you all live on his salary of £30k if you give up work? You'll end up burning through your savings. DON'T GIVE UP YOUR JOB

Topttumps · 16/07/2019 15:52

Hope you had a good conversation op. This is not fair at all.

D0ckD0ck364 · 17/07/2019 23:39

If you own your property & live there. You can rent to a lodger. The amount you can earn without paying tax is on www.gov.uk website. I believe it's over 7k per year

However, as a lodger, you would expect your own room etc

Paying rent as a partner is slightly different

D0ckD0ck364 · 17/07/2019 23:43

It says up to £7,500 per year

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/07/2019 23:58

Did he declare your rent on his tax return?
You paid into his pot bit see nothing in return if you split/well. Hmmm.
The bills minus the mortgage should be split according to income level and put in a pot. His mortgage is added to his portion. Overpaying the mortgage is a good idea but not when you have additional responsibilities. That money should be put towards the cost of the child.
You need to protect your position by either being put on the deeds or sell up and buy jointly. Also check his will status to ensure you and the child are provided for.

kellyb220982 · 18/07/2019 00:37

Sounds like he either a) doesn’t ever think you’ll split up but more so b) he’s also protecting himself financially if you did. I find it interesting he started doubling up on the mortgage payments as you went on maternity and started having to use your savings. How long had he had the house before you moved in? when you buy a bigger house does expect you to put all your savings in while he keeps his and uses the equity from the house? In theory when you were paying rent you could argue you were in fact contributing to the costs associated with the house mortgage/bills. sounds like even when the rent is added to the money you spend on food, his share of mortgage/bills is still higher or if that the case only with the over payments he’s chosen to make. I’d suggest now you have a child it’s important to agree a way forward financially that’s protects you both. Even if your name was to be added to the house legally, it doesn’t have to be on a 50:50 basis to take into account the years you didn’t live there. I would feel much more comfortable in your shoes if surplus money for a future move was put into a joint savings account while ever the house solely belongs to your partner rather than over pay the mortgage on a house it seems you have no claim over at all if things did go wrong.

groundanchochillipowder · 18/07/2019 00:48

Wow! Another one of these. WTAF? Just no. NO more subsidising his mortgage with your savings. NO going PT or taking any reduction in earning or income to subsidise him. 50/50 on everything do with the child if your incomes are similar. NO more babies with this fuckwit. Why are so many women so naive and irresponsible? He's taking you for a ride. Wake the fuck up!

Mintjulia · 18/07/2019 01:05

If you aren’t getting married immediately and you earn similar amounts, then all baby costs are split 50:50, and that means childcare, formula, clothes, toys. Your child has two parents.
He sounds like he’s using you financially. I’d buy a buy-to-let flat and provide for your future because he certainly isn’t going to.

RedTideBlues · 18/07/2019 01:13

He is happy to have a baby with you and enjoy the comforts of family life but he doesn't want to share anything else? Have the conversation now about when your name is going on the deeds. Your choices will be quite clear from then on.

D0ckD0ck364 · 18/07/2019 01:26

You can't buy a BTL property unless you already own one property

TwistyTop · 18/07/2019 07:45

You have a baby. You're a family now, your resources should be pooled together.

I know there are people out there who have a baby and still have seperate finances but I really don't get it. I think the only way to ensure that works is if you make a very clear plan before the baby comes and then stick to it.

Greyhound22 · 18/07/2019 07:49

Offering for you to give up work isn't 'great' it's dangerous. If you split not only will you have next door to fuck all but be unemployable too.

You need to consider your options greatly here.

Parker231 · 18/07/2019 07:55

Why are the house and savings not joint and all outgoings for food, bills, childcare etc a joint responsibility?

HGpg · 18/07/2019 08:10

I was in a not too dissimilar situation from you. Partner owned a house which I moved into, we had a baby before we got married. We had a joint account and both put in equal amounts. From this account came bills, mortgage (this is key to come out of an account with your name on), food shopping, childcare. What we had left each month in this account then went into a joint savings account for holidays, rainy days etc. We then bought a house together and my partner put down the majority of the deposit so we had a deed of trust drawn up to say if we split, he would get out what he put in and then everything else was split 50/50. This way there's no arguments, nothings unfair and everything is even. Good luck.

FinallyHere · 18/07/2019 08:42

He just assumes we will never split up

Maybe ... or perhaps he just wants to keep all the power and control over finances in his own hands. He is happy to dole out to you but not to make you an equal partner.

I would not be thinking of having another baby with this man until you are equal partners. That means the house in joint ownership, money pooled to pay for all household expenses including all DC related costs. Equal split of what is left after savings between you.

Wills in place to leave everything to each other and who to provide guardianship to DC in the event of anything happening to you.

Oh, and about the wedding, call his bluff. Say you will do the big party with everyone there. You might get lucky and get to elope which he gets tired of the pfaff but as the financially weaker partner, with DC in the mix, it is absolutely in your interest to get married.

Re the mortgage

We talked about me going on it a couple of years ago but there was a £500 fee so we decided to wait until it came to an end. W

Did you really decide or did he just tell you (and get you to agree) that you might as well save £500 It is all in his favour. I know it's difficult for you but coming here to ask this question means you are beginning to wake up the the danger you have walked into. For your future , and that of you baby, start to inform yourself about how this stuff really works.

Knowledge is power and you need all the power you can get. Not easy to catch up on this with a baby. I wish you all the very best.

Happyspud · 18/07/2019 08:48

You’re in a dangerous position here OP. For the love of god do not have another child that you now cannot afford yourself. You now likely can’t really afford the first one.

Honestly OP if you can’t get him to marry you then you absolutely must keep working full time.

Why oh why are so many women letting men cut their legs off like this.