to not know what's fair re: finances after baby

[chiccocico]

Can someone help me make sense of finances after a baby, I genuinely can't see what's fair.
So me and DP (not married) both earn the same salary. We have lived together for 4 years (I moved into his house which he purchased a year before we met).

For three years I paid him rent and I bought all the food. He paid his mortgage and all bills. Finances are separate.

Had a baby a year ago and have been on mat leave for a year. For the first few months of mat leave the arrangement remained the same as I was receiving more or less the same salary. At around month 4 when my income stopped we agreed that I stop paying rent but I have been continuing to pay food and majority of baby expenses.

Before baby we both had around 30k each in savings but I have spent nearly 4k of mine this year. About a year ago DP started overpaying on his mortgage so he is overpaying by double what his mortgage is. He says he more or less breaks even every month now so he can't save any more and on some months he has had to dip into his savings to cover this extra cost.

We have no help with childcare we will be using a childminder. I think he was expecting me to pay for the childminder from my wages as he has so much going out from his account. But I explained to him that he is choosing to pay off his mortgage early and that if we split up I would get nothing from that and my savings would get eaten up so I would be so much worse off. We have also discussed me going part time- 3 or 4 days.

We got into an arguement about it today and he said if I want to split it down the middle we can but I will end up paying more than I am now and that he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house. It has left me really confused and I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this is really confusing I have tried to explain it the best I can.

On another thread a poster posted that apparently 65% of will challenges are successful.

However "unlikely" it might be there's certainly no guarantee that his family wouldn't challenge.

Bill him for childcare and your loss of earnings.

Before we had the baby we planned to both save as much as possible and then throw it all into the mortgage when it comes up for renewal with my name then being added. I think this is still the plan but I am just panicking at how much my savings are being eaten up.

If you go back part time, this may not be as easy as you think. Unless he already has plenty of equity and your deposits mean the remortgage would be small, if you only earn a small amount you may not be able to just re mortgage with him.

Besides which, he has paid far more in. The initial deposit plus payments. Do you really think he is going to be happy with giving you half of that, as well?

Having a child when you live with a do who has his house in his name only puts you in a very vulnerable position.

What happens when he dies could go all sorts of ways. If he has life insurance, the house could be paid off. But you wont be able to stay in it. The money may go to your child, but you may not be able to access it to raise the child.

This is a bats hit situation to out yourself in.

Op in your situation I would move out.

You've walked into this blindfolded really. I hope your contraception is watertight. Who'll currently be left homeless holding the baby if you split? Men are often very keen to reproduce, not so keen on 24/7 sole responsibility for those DC when relationships fail.
You need your name on the mortgage and to pay into the pot a percentage of what your income is for joint bills including childcare. Sort wills, pension bequests and life insurance too.
I'd be looking at him in a different light tbh. He's manipulative.

You've been paying off his mortgage for 3 years and only started asking questions when you had his baby and the only reason you're not married is the type of ceremony wtf.

Get married ASAP. Except and pretty sure he won't marry you.
It's total bull that 'he just doesn't think we' ll split up.' he has thought very carefully about what would happen if you split up and has made cety sure that you would be screwed and get nothing. He is selfish and cold hearted.

how much is childcare? How much did you pay rent?

I think you are a family unit and should act like that also money wise but it clearly doesn't work.

I would not reduce my working hours as things stand. do not touch your savings.

Pay him rent again but let him cover all baby related costs 50:50 if he really insists on spilt finances.

and do not have a DC2!

I'm sorry but I can't comprehend how you could move with someone, décided to have a baby, wait 9 months and during all this time not have discussed your financial situation when baby comes. It's madness.

Now you are in the situation of wondering about his intentions, not a great place to be on both sides. You say that he mentioned adding you onto the deeds (I assume rather than just the mortgage) but then you mention that he wanted to make sure you had no right to the house if you left.

I think he is self protecting not because he doesn't want to share but because he anxious yuo could decide to dump him shortly afterwards and take baby and then demand half of the house. I suspect the different opinion on a pote tial wedding is because that ensures it doesn't happen.

You need to be respectful of each other's concerns and decide how to build things up. It doesn't have to be all of nothing. How about agreeing that you don't pay anything towards the mortgage until you are named on it, which protects you, and then devide all the regular costs so you end up with a similar disposable income each month. If he wants to pay more towards the mortgage, that comes out of his disposable income. In any case, once you share the costs of a childminder, there might not be much left for it.

OP buy yourself a small place, move out and invite your DP to come live with you and pay rent. If he doesn't think this is fair then he needs to reassess your current living situation. But you should definitely invest in your own property now before your savings get eaten up.

It's a bit dramatic saying just leave imho.

Is the relationship a happy one otherwise?

The fact you had to pay him rent kind of stuck out for me as a bit off. Hopefully you realise that the real issue here is that he can pull the roof from over your head at any time and you won't have a legal leg to stand on? You may think he doesn't think you will split up, but you have no idea what he's thinking. You are in a very dodgy position. He could be using you to pay all the bills so he can pay his mortgage off then kick you out.

You need to sit down with him and resolve this pronto. You need your name on those deeds too, or some othe solution that guarantees a roof over your head.

More fool you. This should have been discussed before a baby. Also because you both want different types of weddings, you would rather that than financially protect yourself? More fool you again. You will be left with nothing and without a home. Wake up.

honestly, I’d speak to him and ask him to get married and get your name on the house. Then all money goes together in one pot to pay all relevant bills and you get equal spends.

If he won’t agree to that, you might be better off buying your own wee flat and living there with your child. At least he will need to pay you maintenance

It is completely unacceptable for you to use your savings for you and the baby to live on while he overpays his mortgage. He is a CF of the highest order.

I would suggest that first off, he repays you the 6K of savings you have spent on looking after his child. If you hadn't had the baby, you would still be working full time and building savings. He cannot make money from you and his child, he should have the expense of a child.

Do not have another baby, go back to work and do not spend your savings. Do not fall into the trap of paying for all childcare either. Make plans to move either into a joint property (and make sure you are compensated for your savings, loss of earnings and contributing to the current house for the last 3 years), or buy your own property.

Can you tell I'm furious for you?

Do you think showing him this thread would help him see how unreasonable he's being op?

You are in an incredibly vulnerable position. Your baby’s father has made it abundantly clear that he does not view you as a family unit because he is protecting his assets from you.

The brutal truth is that you are a lodger with benefits, but you now have the responsibility of a child.

You cannot spend any more of your savings to subside this arrangement.

You need to return to full- time work to protect your security, because you don’t have the protection of marriage.

Long term, you would be better off leaving him, using your savings as a deposit on a house, and claiming maintenance.

If you want to remain together, I would insist on either marriage, or that you use your savings as a deposit in your sole name which you set up as a buy to let. All other costs , including childcare and child-related expenses, are split down the middle.

He has also offered for me to quit work on numerous occasions and that he would.support us
Will he still support you when you haven't worked for years so can't get paid as well as you were?

You're already in a vulnerable financial position, and having another child will only make it worse. Don't do that anytime soon. See what he says to your points but I would make plans to move out if I were you.

Who used the term rent when you moved in? That suggests a problem to me - you’ve been paying off his mortgage, not paying rent.

Do you've been paying rent (which effectively is paying the mortgage) and he wants you to sign something to say that you have no claim on the house?!?
That's massively worrying.

If he's been making no financial contribution to the baby either that's weird.

If you're paying rent there, would you be able to pay rent on a place for just you and the baby? With housing benefits and UC it might be more manageable as you'll also get most of your childcare paid too.

I'm quite amused that people think the OP scan just buy a house by herself. She has depleted her savings so she probably doesn't have enough for a deposit, and it's unlikely that she can get a mortgage with just one salary (especially if it's a part-time one). I don't know where you all live where houses are so affordable that single parents with limited savings can buy!

I also don't understand all the knee jerk LTB (and those who recognise my username will know that I'm not shy about saying LTB )

OP will have to LTB if he won't make things fairer, but I don't think she's there yet? OP, how assertive have you been so far, have you passively accepted how things are or have you tried and failed to get him to agree to make things fairer?

IMO the options (in order of preference) are as follows:

1. Get married ASAP, I would set a deadline (eg within next 6 months) and keep it small - if he wants a big party he can fund it or do it later. If you get married you still need to divide finances fairly (contributions in proportion to income and all joint costs including childcare are shared). And you still need to add yourself to the house deeds and mortgage at some point, it's just less urgent than if you stay unmarried.

1. Don't get married but do the following ASAP (I would say within 3 months):

• Add your name to the house deeds and mortgage. You should probably get legal advice about beneficial interest too (ie the contributions you've already made to the mortgage).
• Go back to work full time and share childcare costs fairly (either 50/50 or proportionate to income). Never prioritise his career over yours.
• Both get wills and life insurance and make the other a beneficiary. I think each person's share in the house should either go to the other partner or go to your child(ren) in a trust with the partner having the right to live there until the youngest child turns 18 (or 21).

1. If he won't do either of the above, LTB. And get legal advice about beneficial interest.

He sees it as him paying it off for OUR future. He just assumes we will never split up.

Well the why does he want a legal document to ensure you can't get half his house?

He wants to have you over a barrel so that you can't split up with him. Hence the threat about protecting his house if you decide you want finances split equally.

On a general note, I do not understand the "I pay for groceries and childcare, he pays for mortgage and bills". Our money goes into one pot and all household costs are paid out of it - what if i'm responsible for groceries but he has to buy a loaf of bread on the way home, should I reimburse him?

Doesn't make sense - if he assumes that you will never split up why does he want you to sign a legal document so you can't claim half the house?!

I once had an ex like this - paid him about 18k in "rent" whilst we were together and when he ran off with someone else six months before our wedding he kicked me out and gave me a big fat nothing.

My DH and I bought a house together and had a baby before we got married. When I took some unpaid leave he basically paid for everything as he was still working but I wasn't and was caring for our child. Once I went back to work, everything was split down the middle again.

Think you need to protect yourself and either get married or get him to sign something saying if you split he'll repay you the "rent" you've paid to him/the childcare costs.

Don't let him make you vulnerable when you have a child together

OP has been paying rent, which tends to go on that mortgage. I don't see what's wrong with this? Didn't we have a thread recently where a DP was not expecting to pay rent on the OP's property and he was universally announced to be a cocklodger?