to not know what's fair re: finances after baby

[chiccocico]

Can someone help me make sense of finances after a baby, I genuinely can't see what's fair.
So me and DP (not married) both earn the same salary. We have lived together for 4 years (I moved into his house which he purchased a year before we met).

For three years I paid him rent and I bought all the food. He paid his mortgage and all bills. Finances are separate.

Had a baby a year ago and have been on mat leave for a year. For the first few months of mat leave the arrangement remained the same as I was receiving more or less the same salary. At around month 4 when my income stopped we agreed that I stop paying rent but I have been continuing to pay food and majority of baby expenses.

Before baby we both had around 30k each in savings but I have spent nearly 4k of mine this year. About a year ago DP started overpaying on his mortgage so he is overpaying by double what his mortgage is. He says he more or less breaks even every month now so he can't save any more and on some months he has had to dip into his savings to cover this extra cost.

We have no help with childcare we will be using a childminder. I think he was expecting me to pay for the childminder from my wages as he has so much going out from his account. But I explained to him that he is choosing to pay off his mortgage early and that if we split up I would get nothing from that and my savings would get eaten up so I would be so much worse off. We have also discussed me going part time- 3 or 4 days.

We got into an arguement about it today and he said if I want to split it down the middle we can but I will end up paying more than I am now and that he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house. It has left me really confused and I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this is really confusing I have tried to explain it the best I can.

And just one last thing. They way he is currently treating you and the family finances is a massive humongous red flag of someone who will burn you.

Because it's seen as being an "independent woman". One of my friends - married no children - is currently working her way out of credit card debt, which she accumulated trying to keep up with her husband's preferred lifestyle. He earns about double what she does. He would gladly pool their incomes, but she doesn't want to, because she's independent. He wants to be able to do the things he can afford - and would pay for her to do them too. But she won't let him. So now she's Independently getting into credit card debt. How is that something to be proud of?🤦🏼‍♀️

Sar302. That particular person is not a ‘cautionary tale for women who try to be independent’. What are you trying to say? That you should try to be an independent woman because you’ll end up in debt trying to keep up with your mans lifestyle? We’re not all idiots.

No, we're not all idiots.

The point was in reference to people saying that women are being discouraged from marriage, because it's "just a piece of paper" and an "independent woman" wouldn't need it because they shouldn't have to rely on a man. And this idea of "independence" cuts so deeply that some women are actually doing themselves a financial disservice trying to attain this standard.

My friends case is not baby related, but it's a clear case of how chasing the ideal of female independence can be detrimental.

I’ve never understood how people can try and keep very separate finances when children come along.

Well, not that my husband and I are planning to, but we do have a very robust system for joint finances that is also very simple.

• We put an amount into our joint account that covers ALL living expenses, holidays, and basic entertainment (pub meals, bar bills etc).

• Separately, we're jointly saving for an amount to cover the deficiency in income for the first year. It will allow us both to continue pension contributions during shared parental leave.

• From that point on, an increased amount will go into the joint account to cover all expenditure above including the child.

Anything remaining we can save and spend as we individually prefer.

You are having children together. Everything should be joint. There should be no your money and his money. And you need some protection re the house. He is being extremely unreasonable.

He sees his overpaying or mortgage as "saving for your future" but also doesn't want you claiming for half his house??? Which is it???

He needs to give you 2 grand if you've had to dip 4 grand into your savings to make ends meet during mat leave. And going forwards, if he wants to have all the equity from the house he needs to not take a penny from you towards the mortgage. All other costs, inc child care, need to be split 50/50. You each get 50% of the remaining income. Most of his will go on the mortgage. You will be loaded. Alternatively he could learn to share properly and that means having the house in both names. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it. And it is not sharing to make a unilateral decision to spend money over-paying a mortgage whilst your partner has to dip into savings to make it through her mat leave. He should be ashamed of that.

@chiccocico any update? Why have you disappeared?

She might have buried him under the patio...