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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not know what's fair re: finances after baby

160 replies

chiccocico · 13/07/2019 21:43

Can someone help me make sense of finances after a baby, I genuinely can't see what's fair.
So me and DP (not married) both earn the same salary. We have lived together for 4 years (I moved into his house which he purchased a year before we met).

For three years I paid him rent and I bought all the food. He paid his mortgage and all bills. Finances are separate.

Had a baby a year ago and have been on mat leave for a year. For the first few months of mat leave the arrangement remained the same as I was receiving more or less the same salary. At around month 4 when my income stopped we agreed that I stop paying rent but I have been continuing to pay food and majority of baby expenses.

Before baby we both had around 30k each in savings but I have spent nearly 4k of mine this year. About a year ago DP started overpaying on his mortgage so he is overpaying by double what his mortgage is. He says he more or less breaks even every month now so he can't save any more and on some months he has had to dip into his savings to cover this extra cost.

We have no help with childcare we will be using a childminder. I think he was expecting me to pay for the childminder from my wages as he has so much going out from his account. But I explained to him that he is choosing to pay off his mortgage early and that if we split up I would get nothing from that and my savings would get eaten up so I would be so much worse off. We have also discussed me going part time- 3 or 4 days.

We got into an arguement about it today and he said if I want to split it down the middle we can but I will end up paying more than I am now and that he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house. It has left me really confused and I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this is really confusing I have tried to explain it the best I can.

OP posts:
ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 13/07/2019 22:03

Can't you put your name on the mortgage OP? A solicitor can draw up a document to protect the deposit he put in initially, and then split 50/50 after that. That seems like the fairest way forward. What would he say to that?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/07/2019 22:03

Do NOT have another baby before you get this sorted- if you do (and I am saying this harshly) you are really fucking stupid.

You will end up with twice the problem and no resolution. I can see how easy it is to get into this situation, but whilst he is overpaying the mortgage, everything is in his name and he is getting better credit for it, whilst you literally pay for it. Overpayment is a choice, not a demand and if you look at it on paper- he is getting nothing but benefit and you are gaining nothing except debt.

Theres nothing linking you together apart from a baby- if you get a bigger place, will you be on the mortgage too? will the mortgage place accept you being added?

In your own post you say that he pays the mortgage but you pay the majority of the baby expenses- do you think thats fair?

I dont think that you are stupid, btw- just having been in a similar situation, I can look back and see I was being stupid. Youre sacrificing your savings because you are on mat leave looking after a child that you both created. He has sacrificed none of his. If you go part time, you will sacrifice even more.

LashesZ · 13/07/2019 22:05

Also not married, I am the homeowner. We put all our money in one pot and all bills, food, childcare come out of it. Equal spending money even though I earn more. Leftover goes in to savings.

Although it's not nice to think your relationship may not be forever, you need to prepare for it. Could you perhaps go on the mortgage? I'd have no issues with my DP going on mine, he just has bad credit.

Angrybird123 · 13/07/2019 22:07

The ceremony is not the issue. Can you not see how financially vulnerable you are here? Either you need to get married ASAP, purely for legal reasons, or he needs to agree to you having a share in the house to which you have been contributing. Trust me when I say you can never say never when it comes to relationships. My ex fucked off with ow less than two years after we married with all the promises that entails. Sadly you cannot trust your financially security on romantic feelings

Original poster
chiccocico · 13/07/2019 22:09

Thanks for all of the advice it's making it a bit clearer in my head and I will talk to him tomorrow. Before we had the baby we planned to both save as much as possible and then throw it all into the mortgage when it comes up for renewal with my name then being added. I think this is still the plan but I am just panicking at how much my savings are being eaten up.

OP posts:
thetimekeeper · 13/07/2019 22:10

Right...

  • he's leaving you to run down savings to cover costs that should be joint costs, which enables him to pay off his own mortgage faster, I.e. You are paying off his mortgage even though you have no ownership in the property
  • he's pressuring you to have another baby in quick succession that you're not keen on
  • he's suggesting you quit work entirely to be financially dependent on him (how will that work given him kicking off about you questioning the current exploitative financial arrangements? He'll have complete control over your access to money then)
  • he completely overreacted to your very reasonable points about your increasingly precarious financial position and threatened to put you in a worse position

he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house

Well, either this is his house for his future that he is paying towards (with donations from you because you're covering costs he should be paying and therefore leaving him enough funds to overpay his mortgage) OR he sees you as a family unit living in a family home and always going to be together. Can't have it both ways.

He wouldn't even have thoughts like that if he genuinely saw this as your family home and investing in your joint future.

That he would actually threaten you that way - and that was a threat - shows his true feelings and true intentions. It is not altruistic, he is entirely focused on himself. You are a lodger in his home.

The talk of it being an investment in your future, and there being no possibility of the relationship ever ending, is all smoke and mirrors to get you to go along with him. I'm sorry.

This is really messed up and not an equal partnership or what a normal healthy relationship looks like. It is what financial abuse looks like, however.

InDubiousBattle · 13/07/2019 22:10

He is being a total shit. He's accelerating paying of his mortgage whilst you erode your savings and he wants to secure his house should you try and do anything about it. He sees it as his house and doesn't want you to have any claim on it. Propose buying somewhere in joint names and see what he says.

Sosayi · 13/07/2019 22:10

Your DP knows exactly what he is doing I would suspect
He is paying off HIS mortgage on HIS house at Your expense.
If your happy to carry on letting him treat you like a idiot then carry on

But at the moment the ball is in his court because you have about as much right to HiS house as I do .

When you say you don’t think you will get married has he said the famous words yet
“ marriage. - it’s only a piece of paper”

That’s generally said by men that know exactly what the legal contract marriage means and have no intent of getting into a screwed into a legal contract where they could end up giving half of what they already own to another person

Your DP is telling you exactly who he is and how he intends to treat you
You just need to decide if that’s how you want to be treated

sar302 · 13/07/2019 22:11

Do not quit work to be a stay a SAHM. Do not have a second baby until you've sorted this out.

You are living in a house that you have no claim to. He could kick you out tomorrow. Nice.

He is expecting you to pay for childcare, out of your money, for the child you have together, and he's not going to contribute. Because he's using his money, to overpay his mortgage, so his house is paid off quicker, so he has a solid financial future. For him. Good for him - not so much for his family.

He doesn't want to marry you until you can have what he deems to be the perfect big wedding - which you'll never be able to afford, which means you won't be getting married. Funny - that works out nicely for him too.

Sorry, but there are just too many arsehole moves here...

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/07/2019 22:13

Then make sure you tell him this!! Its so easy to be 'nice' and it may well be that he sees this as looking after you both, but these are your savings and even if you put it side by side on paper, you can see how unfair it is. And how much it benefits him long term whilst potentially costing you in the short and long run.

Be brave and dont be afraid to upset him temporarily to get the right and fair result Flowers

InDubiousBattle · 13/07/2019 22:16

X posted with you op, when is the mortgage up for renewal?

M0reGinPlease · 13/07/2019 22:20

he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house

You're in a relationship and have a child together. He sounds like an utter twat. You have bigger problems here I'm afraid OP.

R3sp0nsibleReas0n · 13/07/2019 22:21

As you are unmarried
The best thing would be you go back to work
You both pay half the childcare, half of all child costs
You pay towards the bills in proportion to what you earn

Or
You get a joint account, both your income goes into the pot

Being unmarried, you are financially vulnerable

stucknoue · 13/07/2019 22:21

Suggest you get a legal agreement, sharing all assets and liabilities (actually cheaper to nip to the registry office and marry but whatever he wants)

thetimekeeper · 13/07/2019 22:22

Before we had the baby we planned to both save as much as possible and then throw it all into the mortgage when it comes up for renewal with my name then being added. I think this is still the plan

Ummm..

Given that the pre-baby plan you're describing and the present reality you're describing are almost polar opposites, and he has since said this:

he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house

What leads you to think that the pre-baby plan is still going to happen? Other than optimism?

Abuse is not about ogres or monsters and nor is it about violence. It's about power and control.

Which is why it is very common for behaviour to change and become more controlling or unreasonable after a baby has arrived, because you are much more vulnerable and will find it harder to leave.

It's troubling, although unsurprising, that the idealistic promises that made you feel secure enough to have a baby with him have since altered so drastically and left you feeling so confused.

Ask about putting your name on the property since you are effectively contributing to the mortgage now. See how he reacts.

timeisnotaline · 13/07/2019 22:22

If he really assumed that you would never split up then he wouldn’t care if your name is on the house.
If you have conversations about splitting everything then that includes parenting. 3 x a week he picks baby up, takes them home, cooks dinner does bath and bed and 2x a week does brekky and drop off. Otherwise your career suffers as you come in late and sprint off.

Original poster
chiccocico · 13/07/2019 22:23

@InDubiousBattle when is the mortgage up for renewal?
I can't remember for sure but think it might be next year. We talked about me going on it a couple of years ago but there was a £500 fee so we decided to wait until it came to an end. Wish I'd have done it now as I will obviously be entitled to a lot less now he is overpaying by so much.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 13/07/2019 22:23

You’re a mug to accept this. Leave him.

Pinktinker · 13/07/2019 22:25

Honestly, I’d use your savings to put a deposit down on a house of your own. He’s clearly unwilling to share ‘his’ house (or, you know, the one you have been contributing towards for the past three years) and is treating you like a lodger, not the Mother of his child and partner.

Selfish bastard.

Original poster
chiccocico · 13/07/2019 22:28

So I am going to speak to him tomorrow and suggest-

  1. We get a joint account and share finances
  2. I go on the mortgage (if it's up for renewal in April next year I will wait but if it's longer then pay to amend it).
  3. Discuss registry office wedding.

Anything else?

OP posts:
BertieDrapper · 13/07/2019 22:29

Could you not invest some of your savings into the house now?
So he is over paying each mouth - what if you put a lump sum into it instead? And have your name added to the mortgage/deeds of course.

Then everything is split 50/50.

Teddybear45 · 13/07/2019 22:32

Forget the mortgage, is your name on the property? If not get it added.

Original poster
chiccocico · 13/07/2019 22:33

Does anyone know what would happen if he died? I assume everything would go to our baby but what would happen to the mortgage would I be able to continue to pay it and then it goes to DC when 18???

OP posts:
HorridHenrysNits · 13/07/2019 22:35

Has he got a will? Otherwise its the intestacy provisions, and unmarried partners do very badly from those.

JoJoSM2 · 13/07/2019 22:38

Both of you need wills. Don't assume anything.

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