to not know what's fair re: finances after baby

[chiccocico]

Can someone help me make sense of finances after a baby, I genuinely can't see what's fair.
So me and DP (not married) both earn the same salary. We have lived together for 4 years (I moved into his house which he purchased a year before we met).

For three years I paid him rent and I bought all the food. He paid his mortgage and all bills. Finances are separate.

Had a baby a year ago and have been on mat leave for a year. For the first few months of mat leave the arrangement remained the same as I was receiving more or less the same salary. At around month 4 when my income stopped we agreed that I stop paying rent but I have been continuing to pay food and majority of baby expenses.

Before baby we both had around 30k each in savings but I have spent nearly 4k of mine this year. About a year ago DP started overpaying on his mortgage so he is overpaying by double what his mortgage is. He says he more or less breaks even every month now so he can't save any more and on some months he has had to dip into his savings to cover this extra cost.

We have no help with childcare we will be using a childminder. I think he was expecting me to pay for the childminder from my wages as he has so much going out from his account. But I explained to him that he is choosing to pay off his mortgage early and that if we split up I would get nothing from that and my savings would get eaten up so I would be so much worse off. We have also discussed me going part time- 3 or 4 days.

We got into an arguement about it today and he said if I want to split it down the middle we can but I will end up paying more than I am now and that he would want a legal document so that I can't claim half his house. It has left me really confused and I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this is really confusing I have tried to explain it the best I can.

Seriously he is taking the piss and you need to protect your finances. It may not be romantic but you need to get married. Paying rent? WTAF, do you pay more now there's a baby as well?

And when you get put on the title deeds and mortgage, make sure that your contributions for the past few years are reflected.

Are reflected in the share you get.

Also bear in mind you can't add someone to a mortgage you have to refinance.

Point out that if you leave him tomorrow he will have to pay for 50% of childcare if he goes for 50% custody. And if he doesn't fancy that then he can pay you child support. He doesn't just get to wriggle free of his responsibility to pay for his child.

Just to point out from a morbid pov. If he died you wouldn't even be allowed to register his death. You wouldn't be given any access to anything to do with it. His parents would be in full control of his funeral etc. You need to be married for this stuff. It's about the partnership not the wedding

Also talk to him about Life Insurance if he doesn’t already have it

I pay 60% of all our bills, mortgage, food, childcare etc because I earn 60% of all our income. My DH pays 40%. Maybe you could try splitting all the expenses you share according to your incomes? If after that your DP has spare money for mortgage overpayments then fine ...

Don’t go part time, whatever you do. Go back full time and make sure he does 50% of the childcare, nursery picks up etc and half the housework.

And don’t have another baby with him.

Wow. Sorry but you have been naïve and irresponsible. You've been contributing to his mortgage for years without being on the mortgage or deeds. You have no housing security at all - no legal right to live in the house if he decides he doesn't want you there any more. You decided to have a baby without doing one or both of the things which would have given you the legal right to live in the house (marriage or adding yourself to the mortgage and deeds). You have taken maternity leave - with a significant reduction in your income and pension contributions - and depleted your savings. And now you are considering reducing your income (and financial independence) even more by going part time. With no interest in protecting yourself by getting married!

You need to either get married ASAP or go back to work full time and split childcare costs 50/50.

He’s a delight 🙄

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

That's a good point about life insurance. Both of you should get it.

You need to be married. Unless you are married to him, you are extremely vulnerable financially. He is not. The fact that you are not married works in his favour, at the expense of your security. Not being able to agree on what sort of party you want is not a reason not to get married and secure your future. Just get down the registry office and organise a big party for another time. If he loves you he will want you to be secure financially. Simple as that.

You also need to write wills and sort life insurance as a priority. Even if you are married, it's much less than ideal to die intestate.

Sorry OP but you need to get extremely tough, extremely quickly.

I honestly think you should consider leaving him. It seems to me that he is delaying getting the mortgage in your name meanwhile over paying like crazy so he will own/ protect more for himself. He is selfish and thinking only of himself. You and your child deserve better. I would be outta there!

If he won't talk about the potential of splitting up, approach it from a different angle, if he got hit by a bus tomorrow where would you live?

Fuck that. Get married and protect yourself. Or failing that, get your name on the mortgage and move to joint finances. You're relying on his goodwill, which is a very precarious position to be in.

..."he's really a lovely guy and a great dad" but the reality is he's a selfish arse who only cares about number 1. I don't know anyone with his mentality, his comment about you having half his house speaks volumes. And not paying towards the costs for his dc because he's massively overpaying on his mortgage. That's shocking behaviour.

Of course he wants the big fairy tale wedding because it will never be achievable financially with the "plan". He's also providing a great solution for you to be totally dependent on him financially. Zero childcare worries, so he can climb that career ladder very easily without worrying about nursery pick ups, building his large pension pot, paying off his mortgage whilst you gain no pension, damage your earning potential and potentially setting yourself up for a lifetime of can I have £20 please for xyz.

Marriage and on the mortgage ASAP would be the only option for me or I would walk away. It's just such a shit way to treat the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

He really doesn't sound like a catch OP. I was financially by my ex in a similar situation.

The fact that you talk about paying him rent shows that from the start he has been very clear to set out that you have no rights or claim on the property. Otherwise you would have been discussing contributing towards the mortgage. What he's doing is so wrong and disrespectful towards you and your child.

*financially abused

If he won't get married, your best bet is to leave him. He will have to pay maintenance whether you're married or not, and whilst you won't be entitled to anything from the house at least your money can be going towards your own future and not just his. Every month you stay with him, unmarried, is more of your money (and your children's) feathering his nest. To act in yours and your children's best interests, it's either marriage (very soon) or leave I'm afraid.

Do not give up work under any circumstances, it will leave you and your child very vulnerable.

If marriage isn't on the cards, suggest a 50/50 shared pot for all household expenses and shared costs including childcare but excluding mortgage. If he doesn't want to put you on the deeds then he pays mortgage and you put similar amount in savings (in your own name) towards a future property.

If he doesn't want to share costs then have a long hard think about your future with him.

You're EXTREMELY vulnerable as an unmarried sahm with NO claim on your home!

Was this child planned?

You ARE contributing to HIS mortgage - albeit indirectly - and getting NOTHING in return! The money YOU are spending out of your savings to cover the JOINT child's costs, to cover your reduced income from being on Mat leave is freeing up HIS money to be spent on HIS mortgage for HIS house that you have absolutely no claim on! How much per month are you paying for the child's costs? Half of that is what HE should be paying, I'd argue he's also half responsible for however much your income is currently reduced by - how much is that? How does the total of those anounts compare to what he's overpaying HIS mortgage by? I'm guessing a good chunk if not all of it, so actually YOU are overpaying the mortgage on a house you've got ZERO claim on!

If you tell us:

How much is his monthly income
How much is yours
What your total household outgoings - including your (JOINT) child's costs are

We can advise on a fair setup.

"What's fair is your name goes on the mortgage all money is put in one pot all bills go out of one pot (including childminder) and what's left is split." Actually this is a very simple way to do things fairly!

Certainly doesn't sound fair at the moment!

He definitely is half responsible for childcare fees - that's his child and his responsibility too.

"He sees it as him paying it off for OUR future." Oh really?! Then he can put your name on the deeds then! And make a will with you as beneficiary - at the very very least! Although I suspect this is him spinning you a line!

"He has also offered for me to quit work on numerous occasions and that he would.support us so he isn't being a total shit. He just assumes we will never split up." Or he KNOWS if you split all you could pursue him for is pitifully low and poorly enforced cm!

"I don't think we will get married. We completely disagree on the type of wedding we want so it won't happen. He wants a proper celebration with everyone there. I would want to elope." Then you compromise with a smallish wedding - though quite honestly you both need to realise (I suspect he already does! And is using the idea of a "proper" expensive wedding as a way to put you off) that weddings and marriages are different things. Would be very interesting if you were to call his bluff and go "ok we'll have the 'proper' wedding you want - in 6 months/a year" cos it's possible and doesn't need to be expensive, but I'd bet good money he'll then come up with more excuses!

"Does anyone know what would happen if he died?"

In the most extreme eventuality if he dies - you're basically screwed! You have NO claim on the home so you'd probably have to move out, you wouldn't be able to claim any of the benefits that can help out at such a time, if he has his own bank accounts they'd be frozen and you wouldn't have access to that money. You'd likely be homeless, potless and with yourself and a child to see to, plus possibly a funeral to pay for (if there's no other family, if there is you may get NO say in the funeral you might even be prevented from attending)

Worse if no will but a will doesn't massively improve things as his family (parents, siblings) have the right to challenge it and most challenges are successful.

I've actually seen this happen to a relative, completely screwed over by not being married to partner, who died unexpectedly and quite young.

"I assume everything would go to our baby but what would happen to the mortgage would I be able to continue to pay it and then it goes to DC when 18???" Assumption is a HUGE mistake. Which part of the U.K. Are you in? The laws vary. England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland all have different rules on inheritance.

Even if you "just" separated you have no more rights than a lodger. He can evict you no problem, with potentially very little notice pretty much on a whim and you'd have no comeback, no compensation.

Stop!

Stop subsidising HIS mortgage - he pays half child's costs and covers half your reduced income - at the VERY least

Stop accepting his excuses for not getting married

Stop being his mug! Don't let him deflect or fob off or soft soap you

Does he have a will and life insurance op? If he does and has left everything to you then you'll be fine. It is extremely unlikely his family could successfully challenge a will which provides for a dependent child and partner.

Quite honestly, in your shoes, I'd get a place for me and baby and go it alone.

He isn't interested in partnership or building a future together, he's just interested in sorting himself out at your expense!

If I were you, I would go back to work full time, don't have the second baby and move out with the baby you have.