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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve done nothing wrong?

271 replies

YouDoYou18 · 13/07/2019 11:22

Background - Currently on Maternity leave for my DD, 29 weeks pregnant so will be going onto another Maternity leave straight after

I was talking to a close friend yesterday about how my work has sent over the details for the reward day this year and how I’m sad to be missing it as it sounds really good, she replied with it’s very nice of them to offer considering you won’t be working for them and I simply said they probably do just because I’m still employed, even while on maternity leave.

The reply I got was Eh? You didn’t go back after maternity leave. To which I responded that I’m still on maternity leave and will be rolling into another maternity leave but still employed. The response I got was Fucking hell you work for a fucking good company as I had to be back a year before I could have another baby. I said it was illegal to not allow someone a second maternity leave, it’s just that you have to claim maternity allowance instead of SMP.

She then started questioning what the point in me even being employed was, to which I said holiday, continuous employment on my cv and the ability to go back, at which point she informed me that ‘it’s no surprise you’re not entitled to any benefits’. And has now completely stopped talking to me.

Somewhere in the conversation I appear to have pissed her off but I have no clue when?? I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong in keeping my job, and I’ve not been declaring that I should be entitled to benefits, I’ve just recently been worrying about not being able to get any help with childcare when I do get back.. AIBU?

OP posts:
WhiskersPete · 13/07/2019 11:24

She's just bitter. You haven't done anything wrong.

Greyponcho · 13/07/2019 11:25

Sounds like jealousy on her part, not your fault you work for a company with good family-friendly policies and she doesn’t.

NoBaggyPants · 13/07/2019 11:27

Legally you've done nothing wrong, but it is a pisstake and adds to the reasons why employers are reluctant to employ women.

donutrehomer · 13/07/2019 11:35

Legally, I think you should be at a employer for two years before qualifying for maternity leave I also think you should return and have to have another 12 months of service
before qualifying again.

I started a new job with a new colleague and the second day she announced she was pregnant. She knew she was pregnant when applying.

My employment, hours and days of work, complicated training schedule and the delivery of my role have been hugely impacted and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

This will impact me for her pregnancy and her maternity leave. I've been told I need to work full time hours to cover her position. I can't do that. I've already stated looking for a new job, in a different sector, purely because of the impact some one else's pregnancy.

So in my view, and experience, maternity leave laws in the UK are far too generous.

SeptemberDays · 13/07/2019 11:36

She's angry because you're getting benefits from work that you're legally entitled to but that she was refused (by the sounds of it). She should be angry at hr but is unfortunately taking it out on you. It can be a sensitive subject of your employer is interfering with your family planning.

If it were me and she was a close friend i would consider apologising for complaining to her when you had no idea how badly work had treated her or something like that, but I like to keep the peace. You haven't done anything wrong.

As an aside I'm pretty sure you can get SMP, it's one of the benefits of staying employed. They can't treat you differently to any other person having a baby just because you're on maternity, that would be discrimination.

PooWillyBumBum · 13/07/2019 11:38

You haven't done anything wrong but I must admit it's a nightmare when someone rolls onto a second mat leave.

Original poster
YouDoYou18 · 13/07/2019 11:44

Thank you for all your replies, I mostly wanted to make sure I hadn’t missed a moment where I had in fact been rude. With regards to my second maternity leave, I am very sorry for all of you that have had bad experiences with this but luckily that has not my situation at all, my work have been more than understanding and I told them the day I found out to ensure that they weren’t caught off guard so they simply kept my replacement and nothing else needed to change, but I can understand that it is not the experience with everyone.

OP posts:
PutTheBassInYourWalk · 13/07/2019 11:44

@donutrehomer

That's your employers fault for not arranging adequate maternity cover / a suitable plan for your colleague's maternity leave, not your colleague's fault.

If even women blame/get angry/criticise other women for taking maternity leave then we've really got no hope.

Xyzzzzz · 13/07/2019 11:44

I see both points. I get that you’re lucky to have an employer which appears to have a good family policy.

I see her point that having to wait 12 months isn’t always ideal. I think my employer has a 6 month rule but I’ve never looked into it tbf.

I also see the employers POV that whilst women can do two Mat leaves in a row, it is annoying for them having to recruit others etc.

Original poster
YouDoYou18 · 13/07/2019 11:45

I can’t believe that they just expect you to pick up all the slack, at my place of work they simply hired a replacement for me and it had no effect on any of my colleagues. I’m sorry this has been your experience, I hope you find a job that makes you happier!

OP posts:
DobbyLovesSocks · 13/07/2019 11:47

@donutrehomer Your employer can't 'make' you do anything that is not in your contract. Legally you are entitled to not tell you employer you are pregnant until a certain gestation (different organisations have different rules). Many women wait until they are past the first trimester in case anything goes wrong

Lllot5 · 13/07/2019 11:47

You’ve done nothing wrong, but you’ve certainly had a touch.

donutrehomer · 13/07/2019 11:51

I was just trying to put another point of view across. It so happens that's my current situation.

I stand by my point though, our maternity leave us too generous in this country.

That would have been my opinion even if I wasn't in the current situation im in now.

Yabbers · 13/07/2019 11:53

Legally you've done nothing wrong, but it is a pisstake and adds to the reasons why employers are reluctant to employ women.

I think it depends on the employer. If I were a small business who decided to muddle though rather than employ a replacement because it’s harder to recruit short term, I wouldn’t be happy.

If I were a larger employer who had staff who I could re-allocate, it probably wouldn’t bother me much.

Yabbers · 13/07/2019 11:55

I stand by my point though, our maternity leave us too generous in this country.

Of course it isn’t. In a woman’s working life of 50 years, having a couple of years off on maternity leave for a couple of children is a tiny amount of time.

Lack of decent maternity leave in other countries is really difficult for families, forcing people back to work when babies are still tiny.

I like living in a nation where we support families.

Elmo311 · 13/07/2019 11:57

Maternity leave too generous? Ridiculous statement.

I don't think you did anything wrong OP. Get on with your life and if she wants to come back to you she will. If she's got the hump because she's jealous that is on her.

Amibeingdaft81 · 13/07/2019 11:59

This happened yesterday
You say she has completely stopped talking to you.
Do you talk daily? Or is it that she’s not responding to messages?

I reckon she is a little jealous and just having a little space to calm down.

funnylittlefloozie · 13/07/2019 11:59

It 100% depends on the type of employer you have. My sister worked for a massive investment bank in the City, they had excellent maternity arrangements, and didn't bat an eyelid at back-to-back maternity leaves. When i had my DD i was working for a very small independent research house and they would have almost certainly found a way to get rid of me under those circumstances, as my absence put a substantial extra load on my colleagues, and in that kind of role, its not as easy as "just get a temp in / re-assign someone".

Amibeingdaft81 · 13/07/2019 12:01

@donutrehomer

This will impact me for her pregnancy and her maternity leave. I've been told I need to work full time hours to cover her position. I can't do that. I've already stated looking for a new job, in a different sector, purely because of the impact some one else's pregnancy.

No, not because of the impact of a pregnancy

The impact of a shit employer

jellycatspyjamas · 13/07/2019 12:03

Statutory mat leave isn’t generous at all, I assume the OPs friend had to wait a year to access enhanced maternity provision offered by employers.

familycourtq · 13/07/2019 12:07

I stand by my point though, our maternity leave us too generous in this country.
I disagree.

donutrehomer · 13/07/2019 12:10

But other employees can be impacted by pregnancy and maternity leave. It all depends what field you work in and the type of employer you have.

blackcat86 · 13/07/2019 12:16

Your friend doesn't sound very nice for having zero consideration for your personal choice. Some companies offer more generous maternity leave that mums are able to maximise and others don't but that's just down to family planning and personal situations. I have a friend who is already 3 months pregnant with DC 2 before baby turns 1 but she only has to go back to work for a few weeks before qualifying for a whole lot more paid mat leave. I'm in public sector and need to be back for 8 months part time to qualify. I'm really trying to push our financial stability and safety net so for me I'd rather wait and try OMP again. Saying that, my employer virtually presumed I was back early because I was pregnant again. Nope, just want to get paid. Your friend sounds quite jealous. Maybe she has some regrets.

Rachelover40 · 13/07/2019 12:17

Your friend certainly does sound jealous! So what if your firm is better to work for than hers? That's life. The chances are, when you go back, you'll work solidly for many more years and more than repay the company for their generous condition.

DarlingNikita · 13/07/2019 12:17

That's your employers fault for not arranging adequate maternity cover / a suitable plan for your colleague's maternity leave, not your colleague's fault.

I came on to say exactly this. Your latest point It all depends what field you work in and the type of employer you have. just proves the point –some employers are more enlightened than others. It's nothing to do with individual employees.

The OP's 'friend' has a massive chip on her shoulder.