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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve done nothing wrong?

271 replies

YouDoYou18 · 13/07/2019 11:22

Background - Currently on Maternity leave for my DD, 29 weeks pregnant so will be going onto another Maternity leave straight after

I was talking to a close friend yesterday about how my work has sent over the details for the reward day this year and how I’m sad to be missing it as it sounds really good, she replied with it’s very nice of them to offer considering you won’t be working for them and I simply said they probably do just because I’m still employed, even while on maternity leave.

The reply I got was Eh? You didn’t go back after maternity leave. To which I responded that I’m still on maternity leave and will be rolling into another maternity leave but still employed. The response I got was Fucking hell you work for a fucking good company as I had to be back a year before I could have another baby. I said it was illegal to not allow someone a second maternity leave, it’s just that you have to claim maternity allowance instead of SMP.

She then started questioning what the point in me even being employed was, to which I said holiday, continuous employment on my cv and the ability to go back, at which point she informed me that ‘it’s no surprise you’re not entitled to any benefits’. And has now completely stopped talking to me.

Somewhere in the conversation I appear to have pissed her off but I have no clue when?? I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong in keeping my job, and I’ve not been declaring that I should be entitled to benefits, I’ve just recently been worrying about not being able to get any help with childcare when I do get back.. AIBU?

OP posts:
Candymay · 13/07/2019 14:46

Personally I think your friend is offended because you talked about childcare and benefits/ government help with that part of returning to work.
It’s always pretty galling when you’re struggling and see others entitled to more help.

mydogisthebest · 13/07/2019 14:47

I didn't even realise an employer would allow this. That really is taking the piss.

I too think maternity leave should only be after 2 years employment (didn't it used to be?).

I can see why employers are reluctant to take on youngish women. I know I would be

StrawberrySundance · 13/07/2019 14:48

She sounds jealous and is lashing out at you.

I had a friend who fell pregnant at the same time as her sister. My friend got enhanced mat leave and her sister only got SMP and was VERY jealous and angry and ended up taking it out on my friend, at though she could do anything about her shitty employer having a shitty maternity leave policy.

OP I think sometimes you have to be sensitive to what other people lack and be aware that they can see you talking about something as "showing off" even if that's not how you mean it. Know your audience.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 14:48

So much for feminism eh.

54nonblonde · 13/07/2019 14:49

Your friend is a twat! And sounds very bitter, as PPs have already said. So...not much of a friend 🤷‍♀️

I currently work with someone who started as a fresh young newly graduated employer 7.5 years ago, told us on 'Day 1' that she was pregnant and has since had 3 more children (4 in 6.5 years). She was also off sick for much of each pregnancy. So, whilst on her CV it looks like she has had 7 full years experience in a professional capacity, she's actually only worked for 2 years in total. This year has been the first time she's completed a full year without a break (unless you count the fact that she's already exceeded her sick day and childcare/child sick day entitlement by so much that she's having restorative meetings).

Whilst I'm sure most women (I'm one!) do not 'take the piss' and are FULLY entitled to maternity benefits...some, actually, really do!

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 14:49

2 maternity leave back to back? Blimey, some people like to take the piss. Of course you are entitled to it, but expecting to waltz back in a job after being away for 2 years is ridiculous. I bet you'll be expecting promotions and so on.

StealthPolarBear · 13/07/2019 14:50

When maternity leave was only after two years what happened if you got pregnant before this? The sack?

Queenioqueenio · 13/07/2019 14:50

Legally you've done nothing wrong, but it is a pisstake and adds to the reasons why employers are reluctant to employ women.

I completely agree with this.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/07/2019 14:50

On first reading I felt that if I was an employer I would be a bit pissed at this to be honest .

However, when you say work can be covered and nobody will need to fill the gap, so to speak, its really not that awful . I have 2 and a half years between my first two , and same with the second 2 I can see how people might want to have babies in quick succession

StrawberrySundance · 13/07/2019 14:54

Whilst I'm sure most women (I'm one!) do not 'take the piss' and are FULLY entitled to maternity benefits...some, actually, really do!

The average woman has 1.9 children in the UK, so those cases really are anomalies, much like the benefits cheats. No reason for collective punishment of all just because it happens here and there.

Dorsetdays · 13/07/2019 15:00

Joan. You’re misunderstanding what I meant. In our situation, the employee had zero intention of returning to work after either maternity period but knew that she would still be entitled to annual leave, bonus. Car and healthcare so made a deliberate choice.

That’s very different to someone who changes their mind which I totally understand.

Weezol · 13/07/2019 15:03

OP I think sometimes you have to be sensitive to what other people lack and be aware that they can see you talking about something as "showing off" even if that's not how you mean it. Know your audience.

Exactly what I was thinking. Has she interpreted the conversation differently to your perception? Does she think you're bragging?

Just ring her and talk to her about it!

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 15:05

Anyone sensible would make the same choice. If she resigned when she fell pregnant she wouldn't have even got smp.

I think taking all benefits off an employee for maternity leave is equally morally ambiguous tbh. Theyre still employed by you but its ok to treat them differently than other employees because theyre on mat leave.

I think that probably qualifies for discrimination too.

Treating an employee differently because theyre on mat leave (and that being the only difference) is discrimination no?

stayathomer · 13/07/2019 15:07

In an ideal world it would be lovely if a solution could be reached but in the real world for every back to back maternity leave person that stays and goes on to stay in that particular role, surely there's as many that leave on returning, or go part time or ask for job sharing which, again ideal, but not totally for businesses. It's all difficult

Dorsetdays · 13/07/2019 15:10

I’m not sure I agree re entitlement to benefits. Why do you need annual leave when you’re already not working? Why do you need a company car allowance which is designed to get you to different work locations or to travel to customer meetings? Why should you receive a bonus based on performance if you’re not there to contribute to that performance?

So actually, I don’t think women on maternity should be entitled to receive all benefits as if they were at work. Just pay if eligible and healthcare.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 15:11

when you say work can be covered and nobody will need to fill the gap, so to speak, its really not that awful .

then what's the point of keeping the OP in the 1st place? These kind of arguments just prove that a person is completely redundant and should be gone, so I wouldn't insist too loudly on that one Grin

DexyMidnight · 13/07/2019 15:11

Maybe my feelings on this are best summarised as : you haven't done anything wrong but you haven't done anything right.

A local businesswoman got stung with a similar scenario and now only employs people on zero hours contracts. 😒

I don't know what the answer is

Dorsetdays · 13/07/2019 15:12

Stay at homer. Going part time or changing hours to be more flexible isn’t a right though. You have the right to request it, that’s all.

It’s up to your employer if they want to agree this and the assumption would be that if they agree to it, it’s because it will also work for them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 15:15

I’m not sure I agree re entitlement to benefits. Why do you need annual leave when you’re already not working? Why do you need a company car allowance which is designed to get you to different work locations or to travel to customer meetings? Why should you receive a bonus based on performance if you’re not there to contribute to that performance?

So actually, I don’t think women on maternity should be entitled to receive all benefits as if they were at work. Just pay if eligible and healthcare

Youre still employed therefore entitled to the same benefits as you were pre mat leave. To take those away is discrimination.

What you think is that its A-ok to discriminate against women on maternity leave.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 15:21

What you think is that its A-ok to discriminate against women on maternity leave.

well, technically giving performance bonus to people who haven't been there and have done nothing is discriminating against people who have done the work.

Get paid your basic by all means, but that's where it should stop.

Greyhound22 · 13/07/2019 15:21

I'm really torn with this.

I think it's fantastic to support families with maternity leave - however - they are getting fewer and few between because of what you are describing.

I worked for my last company who had a very generous enhanced leave policy for 12 years and in that time took 6 months maternity. I stayed in touch and attended some events in that time as my career is important to me and my boss was great.

I have seen a number of women however (and it must be with agreement with partners too!) join for the minimum period before being eligible for maternity leave and then do what you are doing 3 times. You had to come back for 3 months to qualify again so they would take holiday and then come back for a few weeks and basically be trained in everything new to go back off again. Two that I worked with did that 3 times and then handed their notice in. That's what ballses it up for everyone else. It's clear that's all they used the company for and it gave the horrid old school men even more fuel about women in the workplace.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 15:22

Why stop there? Why not just go back to sacking pregnant women like the good old days?

Why even pay them if theyre not there, eh?

Bloody hell. Hmm

Dorsetdays · 13/07/2019 15:25

I understand that women on maternity leave are entitled to those benefits however I’m allowed to personally feel that there’s no justification for some of those benefits.

Take annual leave for example. That’s a payment to enable you to not attend work. If you’re on maternity leave you’re already being paid to not attend work.

We have to abide by discrimination regs, I fully understand that but again I’m allowed to believe personally that sometimes those discrim regs go too far

I also don’t feel it’s always in our best interests, there have been several posts on this thread alone saying that in these circs they can understand why some (small) businesses are reluctant to employ women of child bearing age.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 15:25

Why even pay them if theyre not there, eh?

you will find that a lot of businesses don't. Wonder why....

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 15:27

I completely agree about annual leave whilst you are already on leave!

The problem is that pushing things too far the other way will put off many employers.

Reading so many threads about women on maternity who refuse to even consider reading an email but expect to be considered for promotion is beyond belief.

Swipe left for the next trending thread