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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

red flags from guy I'm dating or am I being too sensitive

165 replies

Pinespow · 12/07/2019 12:36

I have been dating recently and found a really nice guy. He's very sweet and we have been taking things quite slow.

I recently split from my ex who was very controlling and left me as a shell of a person - very insecure and very anxious all the time. So I don't know if I'm seeing red flags here when there are none.

I've met up with this guy once - and it was really nice! He often sends me long messages though and I struggle to reply to them all. I've found recently that his messages are becoming more abrupt and tense (if that makes sense). Here's a (very edited!) example;

Guy im dating: so why did you train to become a dancer?

Me: I guess it's because of X, Y and Z, it's something I really enjoy

Him: I disagree with your reasoning there.

Confused it's like everything has to be a debate! He's done this for quite a while so I just tend to ignore his replies that state disagreement - I find it really odd.

This week his messages have been more abrupt. He asked me about an event in the news and I gave my opinion on it - he then called me egotistical and said that he may have to re-arrange meeting up on Friday to next week.

I ignored his comment about being egotistical (even though I was offended) and said "sure, no worries at all".

He replied to me saying "are you sure about that?" and then when I didn't reply to that in the evening he sent a message "I expected a reply to my other messages too".

I panicked a bit and apologized (I know I shouldn't have, working on this in therapy!). He then tried to continue the conversation but I haven't replied yet ... I feel like my heart isn't in it anymore.

I spoke to my friend about this and she said I was overreacting and too sensitive. But something in gut is telling me to run!!

AIBU to think this is red flag behaviour?! And do I need to tell him I don't want to see him again or ignore Blush

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 12/07/2019 12:37

Run.

EyesOpenWide · 12/07/2019 12:37

Run. Run like the wind.

And be single for a year or two. You’ve only recently split with a controlling ex. Why the rush to get into a new relationship?

Alsohuman · 12/07/2019 12:38

Obey your gut and run. I would.

barryfromclareisfit · 12/07/2019 12:38

If he’s a pain in the arse already, ditch him.

MonstranceClock · 12/07/2019 12:39

You're not ready to date yet.

AnotherEmma · 12/07/2019 12:39

Run for the hills.
Get counselling, do the Freedom Programme, be single for a bit.

popehilarious · 12/07/2019 12:39

You've only met him once?! Don't bother meeting him again. Even if it isn't a red flag (it is) he sounds socially inept.

Leave well alone and stop messaging him!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 12/07/2019 12:39

Fucking hell! Run! Don’t even give it a second thought. He’s scary.

NoSauce · 12/07/2019 12:39

Yanbu. This isn’t nice behaviour OP. He sounds odd. In your shoes I would be seriously considering continuing with him.

SlipperyLizard · 12/07/2019 12:40

Run. Run. Then keep on running.

Seriously, if he is this hard work when you’ve only just met (and he should be trying to show his best side) it is all downhill from here.

PicsInRed · 12/07/2019 12:40

Guy im dating: so why did you train to become a dancer?... Him: I disagree with your reasoning there.

He was already dumped here ^ and the rest is just bonus material. 🗑

NurseButtercup · 12/07/2019 12:40

But something in gut is telling me to run!!

Please listen to your gut

thesunwillout · 12/07/2019 12:40

Yeah be single,
Have fun, be free.
What a headache, you just don't need that!!!

YouJustDoYou · 12/07/2019 12:40

Nope. Run! Run like the wind!

More red flags than Russia.

Thekingintheeast · 12/07/2019 12:40

Ignore your friend - you are not being over sensitive. Why would he want a debate over text other than to assert himself. At the start of a relationship it should all be lovely and spoiling each other not one person calling the other names. He’s rude, condescending and controlling.

Booboooo · 12/07/2019 12:40

He sounds like a twat

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 12/07/2019 12:41

It sounds very much like he is trying to pick an argument/put you down, rather than just have a normal conversation. I think your instincts are spot on with this one.

MyOtherProfile · 12/07/2019 12:41

You've met him once and had odd messages with him. He's not the guy for you if he already makes you uncomfortable. Move on.

Indigo2019 · 12/07/2019 12:42

Once your heart is not in it forget it, it’s over. What’s the point? You don’t owe him anything. He sounds a pain and full of himself.

Dieu · 12/07/2019 12:42

Sorry, but you shouldn't be dating so soon.

IncandescentShadow · 12/07/2019 12:42

Who could put up with this constant interrogation? You would go insane!

I don't really believe in ghosting, but this is one of those rare occasions where it might be justified. Alternatively, just explain why you won't be seeing him again, because he is bloody irritating and too critical.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/07/2019 12:42

Red flags flying here OP.
Do NOT ignore you gut on this one.
Just one last message - This isn't working for me. I wish you a happy life.
Then block, ignore, delete.

Please do some work on yourself.
You have spotted these red flags which is great.
Did you get any support after the end of your controlling / abusive previous relationship?
Did you do Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
If not then please sign up to do it.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/07/2019 12:42

Fuck that. Why would you even want to bother conversing with this twat? Let alone dating him.

TixieLix · 12/07/2019 12:42

I wouldn't bother arranging a second date

westendgirl780 · 12/07/2019 12:43

He sounds awful.

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