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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

red flags from guy I'm dating or am I being too sensitive

165 replies

Pinespow · 12/07/2019 12:36

I have been dating recently and found a really nice guy. He's very sweet and we have been taking things quite slow.

I recently split from my ex who was very controlling and left me as a shell of a person - very insecure and very anxious all the time. So I don't know if I'm seeing red flags here when there are none.

I've met up with this guy once - and it was really nice! He often sends me long messages though and I struggle to reply to them all. I've found recently that his messages are becoming more abrupt and tense (if that makes sense). Here's a (very edited!) example;

Guy im dating: so why did you train to become a dancer?

Me: I guess it's because of X, Y and Z, it's something I really enjoy

Him: I disagree with your reasoning there.

Confused it's like everything has to be a debate! He's done this for quite a while so I just tend to ignore his replies that state disagreement - I find it really odd.

This week his messages have been more abrupt. He asked me about an event in the news and I gave my opinion on it - he then called me egotistical and said that he may have to re-arrange meeting up on Friday to next week.

I ignored his comment about being egotistical (even though I was offended) and said "sure, no worries at all".

He replied to me saying "are you sure about that?" and then when I didn't reply to that in the evening he sent a message "I expected a reply to my other messages too".

I panicked a bit and apologized (I know I shouldn't have, working on this in therapy!). He then tried to continue the conversation but I haven't replied yet ... I feel like my heart isn't in it anymore.

I spoke to my friend about this and she said I was overreacting and too sensitive. But something in gut is telling me to run!!

AIBU to think this is red flag behaviour?! And do I need to tell him I don't want to see him again or ignore Blush

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 12/07/2019 13:09

PS Well done on your programme. I was married to someone controlling and abusive - it will get better, in time xx

user1471449295 · 12/07/2019 13:09

He is an arsehole. Please look after yourself and run x

justasking111 · 12/07/2019 13:09

This is why I would go on dates with different people all the time, a date is not a lifetime commitment, just have a bit of fun.

overnightangel · 12/07/2019 13:10

You’ve met him ONCE, it’s supposed to be fun and butterflies at this stage not a headfuck

Pinktinker · 12/07/2019 13:11

He sounds like a total arse, ditch him.

userxx · 12/07/2019 13:12

You say you recently split from a twatish ex - please give dating a miss for a while. Build youself up, learn how to trust your insticts again.

This new guy sounds a complete twat too, nothing sweet or nice about him.

waterrat · 12/07/2019 13:12

god Op I felt chilled reading your post. He sounds like a psycopath who thinks he has the right to control your thoughts reactions and responses to him.

Please dont see him again.

user1480880826 · 12/07/2019 13:12

He sounds unhinged. Run a mile.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/07/2019 13:13

What a tit. Not even subtle at the start,
which is lucky @ for you, OP. Block and don’t look back.

CherithPonsonby · 12/07/2019 13:14

He’s awful.

Just block him.

Lunde · 12/07/2019 13:15

DUMP!

Seriously - he is a jerk and already trying to control you via text and cancelling I think was meant to force you back into line. Who is he to tell you that your opinions and explanations of your own life are not good enough!

So many red flags and you need to run.

Rainonmyguitar · 12/07/2019 13:15

Oh wow. I would take great pleasure in telling this twat that he was dumped... and tell him exactly why.

Signhereplease · 12/07/2019 13:16

You felt you had to say sorry.

In 6 months time you will be saying sorry for speaking out of turn.

In a year you will be saying sorry for talking to your friends.

Etc etc.

Run.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/07/2019 13:18

ALWAYS follow your gut instinct.

If he tries to argue with you and ask why you don't want to see him, just tell him you don't have to justify yourself, especially as he would probably disagree with your reasoning.

Tooner · 12/07/2019 13:19

Oh God, he's a horror. Well done for recognising this so and realising he is not for you

GoBrookeYourself · 12/07/2019 13:20

Another saying listen to your gut. He sounds awful and people like this only get worse the more they realise they can get away with. It starts with belittling and gets meaner. Please please please run like the wind!

twinklebee · 12/07/2019 13:22

You should be so proud of yourself for recognising his behaviour so quickly! Forget about him and keep doing what you're doing for yourself Thanks

Tensixtysix · 12/07/2019 13:24

He's crazy, and you seem to have forgotten what a normal relationship is. Block him and run!
Join a club and find some nice people.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/07/2019 13:25

He’s not ‘very sweet’. He’s a fucking controlling horror. I’ll add to the chorus of run.

trackingmedown · 12/07/2019 13:25

Well done on seeing the light OP. You don’t need someone like that in your life. There are many, many nicer men out there.

Zilla1 · 12/07/2019 13:28

The "I disagree with your reasoning there" could be controlling or just poor interpersonal skills. The later statements seem bonkers and controlling to me - calling you egotistical (I've seen controlling people often accuse other people of their own faults, either subconsciously or to preclude the same legitimate criticism being applied to them), possibly punishing you by delaying the meeting by a week then the manner in which he said he expects you to reply to his questions (nothing wrong with expectations, everything wrong with controlling expectations).

It shouldn't be hard work so early in a relationship, it should be fun and he should be on his best behaviour.

Give your uneasy feeling a pat on the back and think of it as a step on the journey to regaining your confidence and trusting your judgement more.

Either tell him 'you hope he find someone who will meet his expectations' or block, whichever you feel more comfortable.

KC225 · 12/07/2019 13:29

Massive red flag. What is his dating history? I bet he has been single for a lo g time and then it was all their fault.

Find someone fun

Louloulovesyou · 12/07/2019 13:29

Huge red flags here. He is already trying to control you and make you feel bad about yourself. Unfortunately arseholes seem to be able spot people who are vulnerable and take advantage. Take some time off of dating and throw yourself into new hobbies, interests and friendships. You will gain far more from doing these positive things than going on a date. Only start dating again when you are feeling strong.. Dump him, I guarantee you will be back in a miserable controlling relationship within months if you stay with him.

Zilla1 · 12/07/2019 13:29

I'd be tempted not to tell him why he's dumped, partly because he might just get better at hiding but not changing his controlling behaviour and way of thinking for the next possibly vulnerable woman.

Indigo2019 · 12/07/2019 13:30

He’s the type to tell you what to think.