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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

red flags from guy I'm dating or am I being too sensitive

165 replies

Pinespow · 12/07/2019 12:36

I have been dating recently and found a really nice guy. He's very sweet and we have been taking things quite slow.

I recently split from my ex who was very controlling and left me as a shell of a person - very insecure and very anxious all the time. So I don't know if I'm seeing red flags here when there are none.

I've met up with this guy once - and it was really nice! He often sends me long messages though and I struggle to reply to them all. I've found recently that his messages are becoming more abrupt and tense (if that makes sense). Here's a (very edited!) example;

Guy im dating: so why did you train to become a dancer?

Me: I guess it's because of X, Y and Z, it's something I really enjoy

Him: I disagree with your reasoning there.

Confused it's like everything has to be a debate! He's done this for quite a while so I just tend to ignore his replies that state disagreement - I find it really odd.

This week his messages have been more abrupt. He asked me about an event in the news and I gave my opinion on it - he then called me egotistical and said that he may have to re-arrange meeting up on Friday to next week.

I ignored his comment about being egotistical (even though I was offended) and said "sure, no worries at all".

He replied to me saying "are you sure about that?" and then when I didn't reply to that in the evening he sent a message "I expected a reply to my other messages too".

I panicked a bit and apologized (I know I shouldn't have, working on this in therapy!). He then tried to continue the conversation but I haven't replied yet ... I feel like my heart isn't in it anymore.

I spoke to my friend about this and she said I was overreacting and too sensitive. But something in gut is telling me to run!!

AIBU to think this is red flag behaviour?! And do I need to tell him I don't want to see him again or ignore Blush

OP posts:
SummerSix · 12/07/2019 13:55

Run!!!!

NavyBerry · 12/07/2019 13:57

Run!

AnneKipanki · 12/07/2019 14:00

Yes..red flags.
Can you move ? How easy is it for you ?

IceQueenCometh · 12/07/2019 14:04

Run. He's a classic controller. He disagrees with your reasoning to train to become a dancer?? There it is, right there. He has no jurisdiction over your choices. Keep as far away from his as possible!

TheCatThatDanced · 12/07/2019 14:08

Please don't give him another date. Red flags all over the place. Listen to your gut.

Aprillygirl · 12/07/2019 14:12

Oh my God he is preying on your vulnerability and trying to fuck with your mind with a view to control you just like your last partner did! Congratulations on spotting the signs this time OP, and I really hope you continue to go with your gut (and not your friends) until you meet the decent man that you deserve Flowers

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2019 14:16

Your friend has issues. I'd be worried about her. She should have known the answer to this was run.

As for the weirdo. Try to disengage politely but firmly. Make it your fault ie you're not ready for a relationship or something. For the simple reason he doesn't sound good and you live in the same building.

Meowington · 12/07/2019 14:19

Even if it wasn’t a massive red flag (it is!!!) it’s not only seriously annoying but completely disrespectful!

You deserve miles better!

CaMePlaitPas · 12/07/2019 14:21

I'd ghost the hell out of this character.

Please spend time working on yourself, healing and enjoying yourself.

championquartz · 12/07/2019 14:27

Ugh. Horrible man.

Run. Run. And then run a bit more.

And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS trust your instincts. Have more faith in them.

mollpop · 12/07/2019 14:34

Get rid of him ASAP

kezibear · 12/07/2019 14:36

He sounds like a massive Twat!!! I would have blocked him already!

Highandlow · 12/07/2019 14:36

He sounds awful

DontPressSendTooSoon · 12/07/2019 14:38

I'd tell someone who spoke to me like that to get to fuck.

Why aren't you doing the same?

Rezie · 12/07/2019 14:38

Run. It's a reasent thing. No need to even analyse.

EileenAlanna · 12/07/2019 14:40

Since he lives in the same building I'd text him along the lines of it's been really nice but you've decided that you're not ready for relationships just now, hope he has a happy life blah blah blah.
If he makes a point of approaching you in the building - which is very likely - give him a bright smile & say you have to run as you're just on your way in/out to meet your father/big burly brother or whatever.
Keep the texts he's sent you. If he gives you trouble around your home keep a note of them & go to the police & tell them you are being harassed & stalked.

Saffy101 · 12/07/2019 14:46

Eileen has nailed it.

tomatostottie · 12/07/2019 14:47

Run.
Complete and utter weirdo.

cakewench · 12/07/2019 14:56

Another vote to run just in case you need more of them! He's already diminishing your opinions and calling you egotistical for having them. That and the follow-up of 'expecting a response' is very telling. Usually people are on their best behaviour when trying to get to know someone/ date them. If this is his best, you're going to want to be far away from his worst.

Glad you've taken the advice in the thread. :)

Tallgreenbottle · 12/07/2019 14:57

"I've met someone now, please delete my number, thank you" Block and delete

ZeldaOfHyrule · 12/07/2019 15:02

I have been on the same boat as you, and one of the positives of being in a controlling/abusive relationship is you recognize the first signs in future. You are NOT being oversensitive and I would ditch the guy. Good on you for noticing this early on. Take care of yourself x

WhatTheWatersShowedMe · 12/07/2019 15:04

He's negging you. It's not a good sign. Tell him "I don't want you to contact me again." and block him.

Well done for spotting the red flags. Next time, it might be a good idea to date someone further afield so if he turns out to be an asshat it's less likely you'll run into them.

Grumpelstilskin · 12/07/2019 15:05

Eeek, he lives in the same building! Ordinarily, I would block and totally ignore but as much as it pains me, you might have to consider damage limitations to minimise any drama and fallout so close on your door step. Then again, I would personally just message him that he is dumped because you don't agree with his reasoning there.. But then, I am a smartarse Grin

TeaForTheWin · 12/07/2019 15:07

Nope, ruuuun! He's another 'one of them'. I love the ones that make everything a debate because they show themselves through that early on. Narcissistic. Trust your gut. And your friend could do with educating herself on red flags if she actually thinks turning everything into an argument (especially things YOU know about like your dancing) isn't one.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/07/2019 15:13

Dump him. He is not a nice guy and you aren't ready to date again. You need to have therapy and ensure you don't go from one abusive relationship to another.

You are recoognising the red flags so that is a step in the right direction...but you are then doubting yourself due to your previous experience.

Spend time in therapy and just enjoy the single life for now until you can trust your feelings.