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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

red flags from guy I'm dating or am I being too sensitive

165 replies

Pinespow · 12/07/2019 12:36

I have been dating recently and found a really nice guy. He's very sweet and we have been taking things quite slow.

I recently split from my ex who was very controlling and left me as a shell of a person - very insecure and very anxious all the time. So I don't know if I'm seeing red flags here when there are none.

I've met up with this guy once - and it was really nice! He often sends me long messages though and I struggle to reply to them all. I've found recently that his messages are becoming more abrupt and tense (if that makes sense). Here's a (very edited!) example;

Guy im dating: so why did you train to become a dancer?

Me: I guess it's because of X, Y and Z, it's something I really enjoy

Him: I disagree with your reasoning there.

Confused it's like everything has to be a debate! He's done this for quite a while so I just tend to ignore his replies that state disagreement - I find it really odd.

This week his messages have been more abrupt. He asked me about an event in the news and I gave my opinion on it - he then called me egotistical and said that he may have to re-arrange meeting up on Friday to next week.

I ignored his comment about being egotistical (even though I was offended) and said "sure, no worries at all".

He replied to me saying "are you sure about that?" and then when I didn't reply to that in the evening he sent a message "I expected a reply to my other messages too".

I panicked a bit and apologized (I know I shouldn't have, working on this in therapy!). He then tried to continue the conversation but I haven't replied yet ... I feel like my heart isn't in it anymore.

I spoke to my friend about this and she said I was overreacting and too sensitive. But something in gut is telling me to run!!

AIBU to think this is red flag behaviour?! And do I need to tell him I don't want to see him again or ignore Blush

OP posts:
TriptychDebbie · 12/07/2019 13:31

Run like your arse is on fire...

ChristmasFluff · 12/07/2019 13:32

Yuck, definitely run, and well done on spotting it early this time around!

And you owe him nothing. Just delete and block if you want to. Telling him why you don't want to meet again will be pointless as he won't listen and you can bet your boots whatever you say he'll got to town on arguing about it!

Onwards and upwards Flowers

Juells · 12/07/2019 13:33

Block and run, as others have said. Must admit the first example you gave would have been enough for me. I once ended a relationship because the guy pointed to a spot on the pavement and said "We'll cross here", that was enough. 😒

MargoLovebutter · 12/07/2019 13:33

Yay, your gut is working and telling you exactly what to do. Listen to it and act on it.

Well done for spotting it all so quickly.

StreetwiseHercules · 12/07/2019 13:35

This guy is an absolute weirdo.

gokartdillydilly · 12/07/2019 13:36

It's interesting isn't it, that some PPs think that you are not ready to date. Says who? Here you are, trying to get some normality into your life, and YOU have successfully identified that HE is behaving like a twat. I think you knew the answers you'd get.

In my opinion this is not because you're not ready to date, but that he is not suitable dating material.

Well done OP, keep at it. Dump this idiot and move on. They're not all twats out there, and one day you'll find one who treats you how you deserve to be treated.

WildAngel · 12/07/2019 13:37

Run Forest Run!!!!

Original poster
Pinespow · 12/07/2019 13:37

It will be quite difficult to ghost completely as he lives in the same building as me Sad but I won't engage in further conversation with him.

He is definitely always right; his last girlfriend apparently "took advantage of him" and he cut his family off for some reason. All red flags looking back.

Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 12/07/2019 13:39

Yep, agreeing with the rest, dump.

He doesn't value your judgement or opinion. This is a sign he could easily become controlling as he doesn't view you as able to make your own choices, so he'll make them for you.

Spend some time alone, do not date a man who doesn't act like your opinions and decisions are just as valid as his.

vampirethriller · 12/07/2019 13:39

Fuck that.

BoredToday · 12/07/2019 13:40

I've messaged you privately

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 12/07/2019 13:41

He sounds like he needs you to respond to his opinions and put-downs in order to make himself sound and feel cleverer/better than you. He isn't. Bin him. You sound lovely, definitely not over sensitive. My DH and I can have a good debate about things but it's a back and forth of listening and understanding, not him waiting for an opportunity to tell me I'm wrong because reasons. Especially if he's asked me about why I became something. No one gets to mansplain to me my own thoughts and motivations, and you don't deserve it either. Another vote for the freedom programme and getting yourself into a good headspace.

This man is a douchebag, run a mile.

GabriellaMontez · 12/07/2019 13:42

I agree with gokart. Well spotted. Really early on.

Come back here for opinions in future. Don't ask your friend.

Date if you want.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 12/07/2019 13:42

It will be quite difficult to ghost completely as he lives in the same building as me

Oh fucking hell! Shock

Be prepared to move.

TanyaChix · 12/07/2019 13:42

Get rid of this dickhead. He’s showing you his best behaviour at the moment and he’s still rude and argumentative.

FatThor · 12/07/2019 13:43

Ugh he is a total bellend, ditch him!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 12/07/2019 13:44

I agree with gokart. Well spotted. Really early on.

Yep. Totally agree. Your spidey senses kicked in at the first sign of trouble. Well done OP.

pasturesgreen · 12/07/2019 13:44

Run for the hills.

Block his number.

Move house.

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/07/2019 13:47

OP - give yourself some credit for listening to your gut and seeing the red flags - and getting outside opinions to come to your own conclusion.
I agree with everyone else - dump him.

I just tend to ignore his replies that state disagreement - I find it really odd....I ignored his comment about being egotistical (even though I was offended) and said "sure, no worries at all"
You need to work on your boundaries.
You should never ignore it when someone attacks you or your character.
You should never ignore it when someone tries ti imply that you don't know your own mind.

My spidery senses say that he's trying to gaslight and manipulate you into being too confused to stand up for yourself.
He probably gets off on fucking with women's minds.
Some guys deliberately act like dickheads to force you into ending things because they don't want to be the 'bad guy', but i think this is who he is.
He's enjoying the ego boost he's getting from treating you like shit and seeing you accept it and come back for more.
He thinks you're so into him that he can play with your emotions and make you chase/yearn for him, that's what the he may have to re-arrange meeting up on Friday to next week was about.

Your friend isn't experiencing this.
She might never have experienced anything like this.
Maybe she doesn't have strong boundaries herself.
Or maybe she thinks this kind of treatment is ok because it's what she's used to in her relationships?
Whatever it is - tell her she's wrong.
Nobody gets to tell YOU how YOU feel, and anyone who tells you that you're being 'too sensitive' is also minimising the abusive behaviour and trying to invalidate you as a person.

SurferRona · 12/07/2019 13:47

Ugh. Looks like negging. Which means he's an insecure little twerp child. Google it. Then ghost him.

Lovemusic33 · 12/07/2019 13:50

Why are you dating when you clearly haven’t recovered from your last relationship?

I made the same mistake and ended up dating someone similar to the man you describe, it set me back in my recovery big time, since then I have taken time to recover from my marriage and to get used to being on my own, I now have confidence and I feel I have purpose without having a man in my life. I would like to find someone one day but have got to the point where I’m happy enough on my own as it’s just less stressful and much more fun.

Go on dates but don’t get into anything serious, don’t let a man make you feel small, tell this guy to get lost, your worth more than that.

redexpat · 12/07/2019 13:51

He sounds tedious and pompous and abusive. Well done for seeing the signs and getting out.

ShowMeTheKittens · 12/07/2019 13:51

Oh. he sounds HORRIBLE. Controlling and manipulative. He is testing your boundaries.
May I suggest you get some specialist DV counselling before moving on?
There is a website called Women's Aid and you can join teh forums there and chat to other women as you have done here. Also there is lots of information.
I am sorry you have had this experience. Your vulnerability and cleverness and skills will make you very attractive. Accept this and make yourself safe.As an abuse survivor you can be preyed upon by others who test to see who how much you will put up with.
You could even unknowingly enter another abusive relationship.
I have the t shirt. x

koshkat · 12/07/2019 13:51

OP. Please take the advice you are getting here and run like the bloody wind. You are worth much, much more.

Look after yourself.

Sunfull · 12/07/2019 13:52

Happy you're going to give this guy a wide berth. He sounds horrible.

I can't understand why your friend thought you were overreacting - does she has extremely poor boundaries and low self-esteem or something?