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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

red flags from guy I'm dating or am I being too sensitive

165 replies

Pinespow · 12/07/2019 12:36

I have been dating recently and found a really nice guy. He's very sweet and we have been taking things quite slow.

I recently split from my ex who was very controlling and left me as a shell of a person - very insecure and very anxious all the time. So I don't know if I'm seeing red flags here when there are none.

I've met up with this guy once - and it was really nice! He often sends me long messages though and I struggle to reply to them all. I've found recently that his messages are becoming more abrupt and tense (if that makes sense). Here's a (very edited!) example;

Guy im dating: so why did you train to become a dancer?

Me: I guess it's because of X, Y and Z, it's something I really enjoy

Him: I disagree with your reasoning there.

Confused it's like everything has to be a debate! He's done this for quite a while so I just tend to ignore his replies that state disagreement - I find it really odd.

This week his messages have been more abrupt. He asked me about an event in the news and I gave my opinion on it - he then called me egotistical and said that he may have to re-arrange meeting up on Friday to next week.

I ignored his comment about being egotistical (even though I was offended) and said "sure, no worries at all".

He replied to me saying "are you sure about that?" and then when I didn't reply to that in the evening he sent a message "I expected a reply to my other messages too".

I panicked a bit and apologized (I know I shouldn't have, working on this in therapy!). He then tried to continue the conversation but I haven't replied yet ... I feel like my heart isn't in it anymore.

I spoke to my friend about this and she said I was overreacting and too sensitive. But something in gut is telling me to run!!

AIBU to think this is red flag behaviour?! And do I need to tell him I don't want to see him again or ignore Blush

OP posts:
MrsJackman1 · 12/07/2019 12:44

He's not nice and he's not sweet. Dump him and take some time and care for yourself for a while Flowers

mbosnz · 12/07/2019 12:45

Run like hell. Stop, take a breath. Then keep on running.

He sounds rude, arrogant, patronising and condescending.

Holenewme · 12/07/2019 12:45

He wants to mansplain to you why you became a dancer after meeting you once? And he cancels a date with you because he doesn’t like your opinion on something?

Please, please don’t feel panic when you realise you’ve done something wrong. You’ve been conditioned to think like this in your previous relationship. You really need to not have a relationship right now. Not until you recognise your own self worth. This guy is an absolute tool and you’ll end up in another abusive relationship if you carry on seeing him.

MollyButton · 12/07/2019 12:46

Run.
And your "friend" has issues of her own and possibly bad boundaries.

And don't rush into dating you are worth spending time on your own and building your own boundaries.

PenelopeFlintstone · 12/07/2019 12:47

Say goodbye! You don't want a date with someone who threatens that you might not get one! He sounds like a weird, domineering bully.

ConkerGame · 12/07/2019 12:47

Run! And then don’t date for a while until you’ve truly done some work on yourself and your boundaries. Well done for spotting the red flags though and recognising what your gut is telling you! Now you just need to learn to act when you see the red flags!

P.s. don’t go to that friend for advice anymore - they are useless!

Withnailandaye · 12/07/2019 12:48

Urgh god no!!
Id finish it and tell him why then block him.
Does he know where you live?

pinkyredrose · 12/07/2019 12:48

He's a wanker! Just tell him his texts are strange and you don't wish to communicate with him anymore.

TripleASays · 12/07/2019 12:49

Listen to your gut! This guy is definitely not the one.

ColaFreezePop · 12/07/2019 12:50

Just ghost him by blocking his number. I'm serious as no way you dump him would be good enough for him.

As a PP pointed out you are not ready to date and need to work on yourself not to accept crap like this from men.

MemorylikeDory · 12/07/2019 12:50

I don't think you're the egotistical one! Run as fast as you can

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/07/2019 12:50

He sounds like an utter wanker.

Disagreeing with your reasoning for doing something in your life that you want to do. Who the fuck does he think he is?

I wouldn't bother explaining or continuing at all. Just block him and laugh to yourself that Mr wonderful will be most put out at being ditched since he obviously likes control

Sagradafamiliar · 12/07/2019 12:53

Second guess yourself no longer. He is vile and there's a methodology behind it.
Continue working on yourself so that next time (although I hope there isn't one), your first response will be 'fuck off' and block.

RedRedBluee · 12/07/2019 12:53

Run! Seriously, run and don’t look back.
Block him.

RedRedBluee · 12/07/2019 12:54

Don’t get into a discussion with him about it either he would only argue with you. Just block.

Original poster
Pinespow · 12/07/2019 12:55

Oh wow, I didn't expect so many responses so quickly. I am glad there seems to be an unanimous opinion.

I am doing the Freedom Programme at the minute too, and I am glad I saw the signs this time!

OP posts:
Babdoc · 12/07/2019 12:55

OP, you should feel proud of yourself for making progress with your counselling - you are becoming able to recognise abusive men earlier, and having very sensible doubts about continuing a bad relationship.
But I agree with PPs that it is too soon for you to be safely dating at all - you are still very vulnerable, and at risk of repeating your pattern of choosing abusers, until you’ve fully analysed the reasons for this, looked at what you learned about relationships when you were a child, and developed stronger self esteem and boundaries.
Work with your therapist/counsellor for several months at least, before you put a toe back in the dating pool.
Take care of yourself. God bless, and my prayers that you, in the fullness of time, find a good loving man who will build you up instead of dragging you down.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 12/07/2019 12:57

Run.

Don’t apologise or explain beyond “it’s not working for me”.
Be single for a while.

Lweji · 12/07/2019 12:59

Good for you (and pps).

He will find fault in anything you say and do, by those examples. There are better people out there.

Jaxhog · 12/07/2019 13:03

If your gut says run, then run.

Kerantli · 12/07/2019 13:05

Another one chiming in to say run as fast as your legs can take you.

He's not sounding nice or sweet with those messages at all.

wheelywheelynice · 12/07/2019 13:06

You're not dating, you only met him once. Run.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 12/07/2019 13:08

Reading AIBU has made me realise there are so many creeps out there.

What the hell? Who cares if he disagrees with your reasons for becoming a dancer? Who would even say something like that??! He has made himself judge and jury on a very high pedestal for some reason.

Pretendapony · 12/07/2019 13:08

I think it would be good for you to be single for at least a year or two. You don’t need to date anyone, put yourself first for a while and do what makes you happy. You need to find yourself again before you start dating.

Snidpan · 12/07/2019 13:08

it's not too soon to date, but it'll always be too soon to date this person