To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I got it badly wrong with DS once. He was a young teen at the time and wanted a skateboard, but because he is fairly accident prone I wasn’t keen and bought an iPod instead.

I thought I was being clever. After all what teen doesn’t like music? DS was really disappointed though. He’d been looking for to the skateboard more than I had realised and while I’d not discussed it to try to dial down his expectations, he had taken my silence to mean the skateboard was a done deal and was excited about unwrapping it on the day.

It was wrong of me. I should have been clear that I wasn’t buying the skateboard and not let him get his hopes up.

And I’m wondering if this situation has similar roots. Was there something that your child reallly really wanted? Had dreamed about opening? Had imagined using? Had thought was going to happen only for the reality to turn out differently?

On the face of it the child’s behaviour doesn’t sound great, but if they have been allowed to build up for something that doesn’t then meet their expectations, it’s not so surprising that they’re upset.

I think you need to unpick what’s behind this,

If it’s normal in your family to buy something for everyone on a an individuals birthday then obviously your son has some apologies to make.

Personally I would have felt the same at 10. Why on my birthday is everyone getting a present but not the other way round. Exchange the legoland tickets and give him some cash. Is he able to buy the game he wanted?

I don't think it should be 'normal' to buy a joint present for everyone on an individuals birthday. That's not a birthday present.

hairydoginusualplacesI think that is really good advice and probably much more constructive than taking the presents away which probably won't really affect his behaviour or his reaction to gifts its much better to try and help him self regulate his behaviour by really thinking about it and his impact on others

Hmmm. DC attitude and lack of appreciate was rude and disrespectful. I'd nip the manners in the bud early doors.

However, I remember my 10th birthday. It was a big deal to me because I was now in double figures. I was a big girl now, growing up, no longer a child. Honestly, the Legoland trip is a naff present, its not a present for DC, its an activity for all the family. I would've arranged this as the activity to do at the weekend for DC birthday rather than a present for them.

Putting yourself in 10 year old DC shoes, you would be disappointed too. They cannot see the value of a voucher, they cannot see the value of a family trip to legoland or even a boring jumper/top whatever item of clothing as a present to them. 10 year olds want exciting things, they want the latest gadgets or toys, they want something they can show off to their friends (when they are asked, which someone definitely will and DC has to reply with "vouchers, a top and a trip to legoland for me and sibling"- doesn't sound overly exciting does it?)

I agree with you OP that the manners and rudeness were out of order, and I see what you did with the present because DC asked for them, but I think you missed the mark with the presents and I would've been disappointed too- although I probably wouldn't have shown it out of good manners.

Jeez, I'd be ashamed of my 11 year old if he behaved like that.
Yep, would be taking them off him until he seemed grateful or apologetic!

I'd take them all back. Definitely! Hopefully next year the attitude is different

Just reading the replies.
Those saying "the presents were boring sorry"
WTF? Were you never taught basic manners?!
Even if you're not impressed, you thank the gift giver, I was always taught it's the thought that counts, and to say thank you.
Which my kids know as well.
As for boring, did you miss where OP said they were mainly presents that were asked for?!
Oh and I wouldn't give a shit if they were "over tired" or "highly strung" talk about making excuses.
If that's the kind of crap that's trotted out it explains a lot!

Chocolatemouse
Buying merlin tickets for both your children at Christmas is completely different. These are valid at many attractions for a whole year. Not the same as legoland for the whole family for a birthday present.

Those saying "the presents were boring sorry"
WTF? Were you never taught basic manners?!
Even if you're not impressed, you thank the gift giver, I was always taught it's the thought that counts, and to say thank you.

I'm not sure where "basic manners" comes into it when people are giving their opinion of something that doesn't affect them. If you're not going to be honest, there's not point giving an opinion at all. I think most have acknowledged that the child's attitude wasn't great.

There was a post yesterday from an adult woman who told her husband that she didn't like the watch that he'd purchased for her. He was very pissed off that she'd admitted it but I think that sometimes gifts can be wrong - eg you wouldn't buy a neon pink item for a person who normally wears calmer colours like black and grey. Most people agreed she was not unreasonable to want to exchange the gift. Does the child realise that you can exchange duplicate gifts?

I really really struggle with the pressure of opening gifts in front of people, knowing that there is a need to be polite and thank the gift giver. (I’m 45) I’m always immensely grateful that they have taken the time and effort to buy me something they think I might like (even if I hate the gift) but the fear of maybe having to put on an act makes me sometimes appear ungrateful or less than gracious in my thanks and very wooden.

I am incredibly touched when people give me something and so tend to focus on that. “Oh that’s such a kind gift, thank you for thinking of me it’s so thoughtful” my youngest always asks “are you being sarcastic?” but whilst incredibly bright he is also incredibly blunt. My daughter will give me her gift and go away, coming back for a cuddle after it’s open and ask if I liked. This works better as there is no pressure - she does this of her own volition quite naturally.

I’m sure my anxiety at gifts stems from the camera shoved in our faces as children at every gift giving season, wanting to capture the joy and happiness and being made to fake it (and open the gift again) so great aunt Maude’s present of nauseating orange, too small, hand knitted, merino wool knickers looked like they were the best gift in the world in the photo!

I’d say take the gifts for a couple of days and then talk to your child about what happened, try and tease out how they were feeling, what they were expecting and maybe give them some help in navigating receiving gifts in the future. Having stock phrases help; stops you blurting out things that you may not otherwise want to say.

As someone up thread said, they aren’t always in the good surprise category.

I think the problem is that we all (society) expect children to behave in a certain way that we can't necessarily match ourselves.

Definitely. We live in a money and status-obsessed consumerist class-society. Most of us don't volunteer at food banks or spend our birthday thinking about those less fortunate.

I’d have been given a good-hiding for that sort of behaviour as a child. I was the middle child of three being raised by my GP’s who despite their old fashioned view of parenting, tried their best for us. At Christmas we’d get a small pile of presents each (including wrapped selection boxes, small trinkets etc.) and the big present was for all of us. When we got to the age of wanting consoles and computer games it did get fraught between us three kids because we argued over who got to play it first. My DBro was the eldest and would throw a tantrum if it wasn’t him.

I did sometimes wish that I could have a similar gift all to myself (one year my Bro got an N64 and to my undying surprise me and Dsis got a PS1 between us) but I never voiced it. I’m glad I didn’t because now I’m older and have two DC’s of my own, I realise how much they must have sacrificed to save for those elaborate gifts.

DH on the other hand was an only child raised by fairly well off parents, as such he got whatever he wanted (within reason of course) and by the time he got to 10/11 got the snarky attitude too (he is still embarrassed about his behaviour to this day). His parents decided from then on, he’d be given one gift from each parent, wrapped up and then a set amount of money (not loads) and a shopping trip to buy what he decided he wanted. From what I understand he really enjoyed that freedom and it lead to him understanding and appreciating money in a way he couldn’t before.

I don’t think your reaction is a case of over-expectation. You weren’t waiting for them to sing and dance to every gift. You asked what you DC wanted and then got what they asked for. But kids are a bit odd when it comes to this sort of thing. Torn between the excitement of earlier birthdays where every gift is a great surprise and the want to freely decide what they get.

I think putting the gifts away was a good idea. I hope you manage to get through to your DC why it upset you and discuss it with them. PP might think I’m insane for suggesting this, but maybe ask what they want going forward when it comes to birthdays/Christmases. Not in terms of the gifts themselves, but how they’d like to approach it. Whether they come up with a reasonable answer or something completely ludicrous is anybody’s guess though 😂

I’d have been given a good-hiding for that sort of behaviour as a child.

Translation: Lie to me about your feelings or I'll hit you.

Re Legoland (and apologies if this has already been suggested) would it be possible for you to take him and two friends, let them roam around a bit and then meet up with you at the end? This would have felt like a treat to me at that age and makes it "his" day. You could then do the same for the other DC on their birthday if appropriate.

Also I would take the duplicate item back and give him the chance to choose something of the same value (not necessarily clothes). I think a bit of autonomy would be a good thing for him.

Just because dc get what they want doesn’t necessarily make for spoilt , ungrateful children / adults , it’s how you bring them up .

At 10 the child is old enough to be told what a selfish brat they are. Life is not all about them and what they get or how you speak to them. They have to learn that they can upset people too or come across ungrateful.
Its really about social interaction treat how you want to be treated, ask how would they feel if they had given a gift and got the response you complained about that they had.
Kids need to learn every action has a reaction, some just never learn that.
You discipline your way but stick to your decision. good luck:)

The presents may well sound 'boring' but they were what the child had asked for.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Just to be clear I never condoned it, I was merely stating that this was how I was raised. If I had specifically asked for something and then behaved in an ungrateful manner upon receiving it, that’s how my Grandparents would have reacted. I hardly think that qualifies as lying or not lying to them.

To be quite honest they didn’t have time to really care much about how we felt as children, they were just getting through the day to day raising three children that were very close in age, very energetic and prone to rough-housing to the point where somebody invariably ended up genuinely injured. So yes, they used a hard approach because to them and many of those of their background and generation, that’s what parenting meant.

I’m not a believer in physical punishment and would not use it on my DC. But in the long run it didn’t do too much damage in my case. The alternative would have been my brother, sister and I being seperated and put into the care system.

Yanbu for him being rude about the presents he'd asked for. That is Brattish.

But YABU about the tickets. Without fail my parents would buy me tickets for my birthday or Christmas. We'd all go as a family. My dsis never got tickets, just me. It still hurts a bit. It wasn't even places with me in mind but 'lovely family stuff'.
I wish I'd acted ungrateful at the time. I'd never have got tickets again and maybe got a proper present, something for just me, that had taken'me' thought. Plus, I might have been left behind whilst they went and I could have watched inappropriate things on telly such as the girlie show.

Just to be clear I never condoned it,

Of course. And it was a different time!

I do think we treat honesty differently now. I'd like my child to be honest and I don't do the stuff my parents used to do, specifically "you're not cold/hungry/tired" or "do that chore with a smile". I expect DD to do what I ask/be polite. But I don't expect her to pretend things she doesn't feel. It's a fine line!!! Because she absolutely knows to lie about grandparent presents.

It was indeed, I just didn’t want it to sound like I was one of those “good old days” people. My Grandad was the main disciplinarian and stopped with smacking the day I laughed at him because it no longer bothered me. Then he did reassess his technique and learned about time out, naughty step etc.

I used to very much dislike when we were told the same and other overused phrases “I’ll give you something to cry about”, “you don’t even know pain until you have x, y or z happen to you.”, “you’ll be smirking on the other side of your face” (that one I never really understood but was one of my Grans favourites).

I have, to my embarrassment, used some of their kinder sayings with my DC, such as “you’d think you’d never been fed!” Because my DS has a massive appetite. I also use that one on my cats 😳

The clothes were mentioned in a shop they were in, and I would suspect they were a passing whim. As it turned out, an outfit that was given was a duplicate of one already owned. So the DC didn't actually even get all the clothes they said they wanted.

The DC wanted a voucher and got it, but didn't seem to understand what it was. Maybe they heard about vouchers in school but had no idea what they might be. Maybe they are feeling overwhelmed at school if there is lots of talk about material things (this tends to start around age 10-11 with some kids) and criticism of kids in the class who seem 'babyish'. Getting a Legoland trip might have caused a good deal of angst.

All in all it looks as if the OP didn't sit down and do much thinking about what the DC really loved. Choosing the gifts was a box checking exercise and there was no one thing that the DC could enjoy on the day, that was their own personal gift from mum.

The question is, how have you raised him.

If at the age of 10 he asks for certain gifts, gets some of them plus fillers, and has a temper tantrum – why? Has he been brought up to think everything he demands will be served up on a plate? Now you’re denying him that, he doesn’t like it.

I’m amazed how many parents (living in the real world where you don’t just get what you want) raise their kids in an indulged enclosed atmosphere of get-what-you-want, then jerk them out of it age 10 or 11 then wonder “Why do they act so entitled? We didn’t at their age!” They act so entitled because you raised them to expect it all on a plate!

I’m also very concerned at his sarcasm at 10 – when I was 10 I didn’t know what sarcasm was, if I did, I would certainly not have deployed it against a parent. Are you spoiling him?