To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I would take the gifts back from her and I would tell her that I will donate them to a charitable organisation where children will appreciate it. AND I WOULD DO IT. This is the difficult an painful thing for a parent to follow up, but it will be good for your child and will benefit her in life. Nobody likes a spoil brat.

10 is old enough to be more polite about gifts.I would take them away,and say,, righto,if you don't like anything,I will give them to so and so down the road who likes to get any presents. Child may change their tune then,and apologise !

Sounds like there is deep routed issue here. I’d try talking to them 1-2-1 and if not helping some family counselling may help to get to problem.

Take the presents away. That will make them think about their actions but perhaps if someone else was to benefit from the legoland trip, do something else that will benefit them only,it's not fair to punish them for their sibling's behaviour.
But you can take the presents off them, they are too old to be behaving like that.

God I'd be livid too but there has to be something else going on. OP you'll have to do something to show them that this isn't acceptable, be it cancelling LegoLand or returning some of the items (they'll hardly care about the clothes but may miss the vouchers were you to take them away) - have a chat with them about gratitude and their behaviour. They can't get away with that or it'll only get worse as they get older. Do they feel hard done by in relation to siblings? Do they get their way in shops/etc?

The only present you can take away is the Legoland trip as the other presents were not from you but a gift from another family member so we’re never yours to take back.
Regardless of the child rudeness about the gifts no real harm was done unless the gift giver was also present which you didn’t say they were. So as long as the child sends a Thankyou note/text or phones them to give thanks I would let that go.

As to the Legoland trip I think you have to accept that you were way off the mark with choosing this.
1 it is not really a present for him but a family day out for the family.
2 he has expressed no desire to go there again and at 10 years old probably feels he is too old for it.
3 you asked him what he wanted then ignored his answer so why ask in the first place?

Maybe have a chat with the child about manners but I am not surprised how they reacted as they are 10 and after probably quite a bit of hype on the run up to what would be a big birthday(going into double figures) his main present is more for his younger sibling than him/her.

sounds like an anti climax for everyone involved, maybe the anticipation of waiting until evening for their birthday gifts was too much.
I don't think you should take the gifts away but when everything quietened down you do need a talk about being grateful, its a life lesson that gifts sometimes don't live up to expectations. Explain amazon card can be used to purchase a game (hopefully it will cover the cost) and take back the duplicate item of clothing and exchange it.

However I think going to legoland with their family shouldn't be seen as a "birthday present" its a lovey day out but one that everyone gets to enjoy equally. What did get your other dc on their birthday did they get a present just for them or a gift that everyone shared and equally benefited from? Perhaps treat your dc to a lego set at legoland so it feel more like a birthday gift just for them?
DC's often have unrealistic expectations, particularly if their friends receive generous gifts, or they've watched too much you tube!

Hi

As a kid I turned around and said all the presents my mum got me were crap. Taking them off of me would’ve taught me a better lesson then just getting my gran to talk to me. (I was punished for other bad behaviour before some one moans 😂 and I also had a rough time at home so 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Please return them. Teach them to be grateful now before they’re too old to be bothered by any one in charge etc

I will donate them to a charitable organisation where children will appreciate it. AND I WOULD DO IT.

Charity giving as punishment? Bloody hell. My daughter gives to charity frequently and generously but not as a punishment.

"I wouldn't take your [daughter's] presents away at this point, I would go and have a non-angry conversation about what happened. I would explain how I had thought about each gift and how [her] reaction had made me feel, and ask [her] to talk about how it felt for [her] and why [she] responded the way [she] did. Then talk about socially expected responses to presents etc."

Exactly this. She has had a telling off on her birthday, which is probably a bit of a shock for her and a big disappointment when she's probably overexcited anyway. She is clearly not thinking about other people. As the parent, that tells you that you need to work on teaching her to think about other people in this type of situation, as this attitude doesn't come from nowhere and so the parenting needs to be adjusted. It can happen unexpectedly but thankfully poor behaviour like this tells us where the gaps in our teaching lie! ☺

Yes! Oh my goodness what is this child being taught?

Me too! Sounds like YouTube emulation gone wrong!

i think child is over tired ( long days of school activities this week)

Do you always make excuses for their rude behaviour?

After the first gift DD would have been warned. After the second one the rest would have been put away.

1. I hated the gift giving thing as a kid, too much pressure, often made me react in a strange way - was hard to show real joy

2. You were obvious really excited and put pressure on her to elicit a specific response, so she went the other way

3. Her main gift was a gift for her sibling too - I wouldn't have accepted that as a child! You should have made it just for her.

4. Clothes are a rubbish gift for kids

5. Vouchers also don't mean anything to children, it's nominal amount on a piece of paper. In future, frame it is 'we are going to sit down later and buy you everything you want (up to £x)'

Oh blimey, the poor kid is just disappointed as nothing was exciting to open. And the LEGO land ticket isn’t a birthday present is it if it’s not exclusively for them. Is the sibling ticket going to counted as a sibling birthday gift?
I’d say cut them a bit of slack. They are probably thinking that things were more fun when they were younger and just want to be made fuss of.

Their a bit on the old side for Legoland. My soon to be six year old is going for his birthday (instead of a party). He absolutely loves it and is so excited. My nine year old will come along and enjoy himself but there’s no way he would choose it for his own birthday.

OMG why are you ok with this? Over tired no rude ungrateful brat. World of problems for his future unless you nip this behaviour in the bud. Sorry but was horrified

I feel that child's pain, when I was 10, at Xmas time, I got a desk for my bedroom from my parents. I was expected to be super excited about it too, anything less would have resulted in much the same reaction from my Mum as OP, and then being reminded how I ruined Xmas for everyone

Please talk to your child. I suspect it’s not the child that’s at fault totally here, if the same thing happened at Xmas. If you child asked for x and you give them something completely different what do you expect?

They may be overstrung, emotional and tired but at 10 years old that’s no excuse for bad manners,

I would quietly tidy it away out of sight for now. When they come to you have a talk about the polite way to receive gifts (even shite ones) and tell them they can have them back once they’ve apologised for rudeness and thanked the givers properly.

Stop asking what kid wants. 10year old needs surprises.

It doesn’t matter if he or she thought the presents were shit. They need to learn the skill of plastering a smile on their face and saying thank you even if they think it’s the worst thing ever.

My kids got brown hand knitted socks from their uncle (he hadn’t knitted them). Of course they were disappointed and at 3 and 4 showed it. They were taken out of the room and told in no uncertain terms that their uncle was kind to bring them a gift, his feelings were hurt by their reaction and they were to go back into the living room and tell him thank you very much. I sincerely hope they’ve learned that lesson.

I would wait until her birthday is over.She will want to spend vouchers,the trip to legoland.When she does then that is the time to remind her of her initial reaction and when she realises she will apologise and that is then the time to inform her of how upsetting you found her behaviour . then

Parenting is not about having our own needs and feelings met though. Or at least, it shouldn't be

This attitude annoys me. Parents should not be martyrs and be expected to be trampled over and have no feelings.

I had a step-daughter who started like this about the same age. It absolutely broke my heart to see her treat her Mum in this exact way Birthday after birthday and Christmas after Christmas.
She turned into the child from hell because my wife never properly punished her behaviour. One minute misery and swearing (often calling me and my wife by the C and F word) and the next day on a girls shopping day treat together.
It broke my heart and eventually broke our marriage. I miss my wife every day, but I could no longer watch the horror happening in front of me unfold.
Take it all back and tell her calmly why, and that the same will happen every birthday until she at least pretends to be grateful.

Yep, confiscate the lot. For Legoland which is expensive and you may well lose money with no refund I woujd take sibling and one of her friends leaving ungrateful birthday gurl at home with whoever can put up with the ungrateful little sod. Especially given the Xmas meltdown. Give her nothing therefore nothing to complain about.