To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Of course as a parent you’d want to understand what is behind this behaviour. It cannot be just about one present you didn’t get.

However I am more shocked at all those posters who agree with the child that sharing one of the present, an activity day out one, with your sibling is awful. In what kind of family do you live in? Where your child would be upset that their siblings gets to do something with them? All but one of the many presents were his/hers alone after all. And also, which child kicks off for not getting everything they had asked for.
To me is something thst needs to addressed sharply by getting to the crux of it but also by not tolerating such entitlement and this attitude of making everyone feel crap.

She's too old for Legoland.

This is the beginning of teenage years.

Instead of you being really upset at her, teach her how to react with dignity when you're disappointed. Because, you're both disappointed.

Talk to her. Explain that she hurt your feelings. Also, tell her that you're sorry that her birthday was disappointing.

Both of those statements are true.

Tell her that you understand that she's growing up. Ask her how she wants to proceed. (Bc her hurting your feelings is not something that you want to repeat and you don't want to hurt her feelings again either.)

Does she want to give you a list without any surprises?

Since my dc hit teens, they mostly pick out their own clothes except pajamas or socks.

They pick out whatever else they want and tell me/relatives. (With predetermined money limit)

I decided to buy each one ONE present that I pick out, no input from them. It's one that I decide is special and shows that I have been paying attention to them. It's not expensive, it's thoughtful. Bc they are my children and I will always love them, no matter.

Just like you'll always love your dds.

It's difficult to realize that they are growing up. I get emotional when I see families with children bc I wish mine were young again.

Just remember there are two emotions; fear and love. Use your love to help both of you sort through your fears.

(Yes, fear is very often at the bottom of anger.)

Take a deep breath, let the world turn a spin and talk. Trust me, an unhappy birthday gift is minor in what's coming up; you two are going to need to learn how to communicate effectively. Best wishes.

i finally learned how to do this

I meant i buy each dc ONE surprise gift.

How many kids get brought to the cinema or zoo or suchlike along with their friends on their birthday. Does a trip to legoland with your family not amount to the same thing, and likewise it is funded by the parents. I don't see a difference tbh.

Trust me, an unhappy birthday gift is minor in what's coming up; you two are going to need to learn how to communicate effectively. Best wishes.

This^^

Conflict is going to get worse before it gets better and you need to develop a much thicker hide.

It's all psychology from now on with your DC.

'This attitude annoys me. Parents should not be martyrs and be expected to be trampled over and have no feelings.'

Nobody is saying that parents are not allowed to have feelings. What I am saying is that parents have a responsibility to take care of their children and their children's feelings and that's it. No parent has the right to expect their child to do the same for them.

Also, Legoland is imo for toddlers. Very different to a cinema trip.

@saraclara the child had not asked for a trip to Legoland- they had enjoyed going there 'many years ago'

YABU.

Birthdays are hard work and many kids don’t know how to react.

The legoland gift is rubbish as well tbh. She’s way too old at ten to get any enjoyment out of it really and half her birthday budget has gone on her sister.

A trip out with mates is quite different to an unwanted trip with your sibling. Particularly when it’s presented as a main gift.

I don't understand how this will work on siblings birthday, if they have already been bought a trip to legoland ? If sibling still gets a birthday present then yabu.

Ah the responses by about 50% of this thread are exactly why teaching is such a tough job these days.

Kids aren't taught manners and how to respect others.
Everyone makes excuses for their poor behaviour.
It's not on.
Yes the gifts may not have been great but a certain level of manners is required.
And of course the op can remove presents... she is the PARENT.

I think when my dc are this age I'll do what my Chinese friends do, money in red envelopes for all gift occasions. Then taken them shopping and treat them to a lunch/cinema as well.

If my child gets one gift that he is not keen out of all the one he got that had asked for and acts like that oh boy he/she will def hear it.

Legoland as his present, but a family trip is a bit unfair. I imagine that's cost a lot of money so great as an extra treat if you can afford it, but would agree that it was not what he wanted. Saying that though, yiu might have got it wrong but what an ungrateful brat! Must have been upsetting. Definitely needs a chat to see where that's come from!! And it's fine to say to him you got it wrong.

you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?'

No they can’t go alone but why is a family day out their birthday gift?

Noroof many here had manners taught to them by stern or strict parents. Removing presents is is not an effective measure that is going to achieve a suddenly grateful child. It is a lose- lose. Kid has no presents- parent diasappointed and hurt. Yes child needs an attitude readjustment. Gently teaching this rather than being harsh will likely lead to a more well adjusted child. Parent could start by aiming to see what is behind the poor behaviour,
Many fully know what it was like to be a child with a PARENT showing who is BOSS.
Teaching the 10 year old to lower their expectations, deal with the bombardment of advertising and showing off from school mates or social media all builds an expectation greater than us parents can live up to.
Yes, the child needs to be helped to learn the life lesson you can't have everything you want, with listening, with talking, and mentoring

I can absolutely relate to this. I have a soon-to-be 10 year old, also can be "highly strung" under certain circumstances (takes after DH of course ) and that scene you've just described could have been filmed on candid camera at our house! I totally agree with all the people who say a 10 year old should know better BUT I suspect that if you wait until tomorrow and have a calm discussion about it your child might well show the maturity you'd hope they'd have by that age. If no gratitude once they've had time to get over their exciting week then I'd be making a joint visit to the charity shop and donating the insufficiently wonderful gifts to a good cause, and getting a refund from Legoland. But you may well find that's not necessary once perspective has been regained. Good luck. (PS good thing this whole scenario took place behind closed doors rather than in front of most of the people who kindly thought to give such nice presents!)

Well I'm not a strict parent and my children have always been well behaved. I've taken them on holidays by myself with never a crossed word. I've never had a situation where they've fallen out with me about anything. And I've never punished them. I'm sorry to sound smug but I get bloody sick of hearing that the reason children behave badly is because their parenting isn't harsh enough. The opposite is true.

The problem is with the parents. Parents who expect their children to behave perfectly all the time and parents who hold their children to higher standards of behaviour than they themselves can adhere to.

Maybe if we lost the double standards these kinds of upsets would not happen.

Well I'm not saying the parenting has to be strict... it just has to be, erm, you know... parenting.
My 2 year old knows to say please and thank you as he knows if he doesn't I will gently remind him. He also says please and thank you unpromted in shops etc. I have taught him manners. If he has a tantrum about getting a toy... he doesn't get it. Simple.
And I know this approach works as I have a well mannered older child as well.

Perhaps not send them back but put them away until they start behaving in a better way?

Sorry but I do think it's awful that her main gift was something for her sibling too. That really isn't on.

She was ungrateful about the rest. But I think the Legoland idea was terrible.

Don’t blame you for being appalled! I would take the gifts away and let your kid earn them back with good behaviour.

I can't see how taking back duplicate items, things they didn't want and things they didn't understand is going to make any difference.

If someone gave you a pile of tat where your first thought is charity shop it and then took it back because you didn't look delighted about it, you aren't going to think, oh dear I've lost stuff I didn't want.

Hard parent here, she wouldn't be getting any of it until she started to behave in a civilised and grateful manner, if at all. I have removed gifts for bad behaviour in the past and both my kids are grown up lovely adults who both appreciate what they have and said they realised I meant what I said so never took the piss more than once. Nope no presents from me