To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

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So why has the OP's dc been mnetioning how great Legoland was and how thye would love to go back there?

They've only asked a few times. Probably because their memory of how it was "many years ago" is good - it wont match up to the reality of it now.

The OP said they had been to legoland many years before.

My dd2 is 16 and still talks fondly about seeing postman pat at longleat when she was 7. She'd be pretty unimpressed with a day out to postman pat world for her birthday.

I can understand why you think their response was ungrateful and how you would feel hurt by this, and yes you do need to talk them about being more gracious in accepting gifts. But I do think YABU, the trip to Legoland is a family trip, and unless you gave your other child a similar gift on their birthday, this would not feel like a gift for just the birthday child.
I also don't think that many 10 year olds would appreciate clothes for their birthday, unless it was something expensive like a new football shirt, it's your job to clothe them.
I know 10 is a tricky age but I'm sure you could have thought of something a bit more exciting for them to open on their birthday.

If the lego land tickets dont expire, i sincerely would put them away and regift them to the same child at xmas.
With a little note "santa saw how 'excited' you were for these on your birthday so this gift is a second chance"

To be fair though, 10 is close to being a teen and i still feel embarrassed for my behaviour as a teenager.

I would not take the gifts away. Given the cultural attitudes to birthday and Christmas presents, this would likely come across as a personal rejection. I might instead tell your child that, as they didn't show appreciation at the time, they will have to show it in a more effortful way now, by long thank you letters/ drawings/ making or buying (with their own pocket-money) thank-you gifts for all the present-givers. But there is also the question of why. Is your child in general inclined to be 'grabby', rude and/or ungrateful, or is it confined to these big occasions. If the latter, it might be over-excitement, or it might be discomfort with having to open presents and have your reaction scrutinized in front of other people (some adults dislike Christmas and/or birthdays for that very reason, though usually they don't show it in quite that way!) Perhaps it would be better to keep the social celebration and the present-opening separate, and have your child open the presents in private and send thank-you letters to the givers, rather than opening the presents in front of others.

@Itsagrandoldteam i initially thought you were being stupid but actually yes, ten is one of the last years of them being a child. I think id have gone with lego land on the day? Instead of waiting.

Although i think experiences as gifts are better because you can keep the memories!

If the lego land tickets dont expire, i sincerely would put them away and regift them to the same child at xmas.

That's just ridiculous. It's a bad birthday present, it will be a bad Christmas present. Their behaviour was bad but that doesn't take away from this point.

If the lego land tickets dont expire, i sincerely would put them away and regift them to the same child at xmas

Then you would be a nasty fucker.

Particularly with the horrible note. Listen to yourself.

lol, so glad I don’t have kids.

Odd comment to write on a forum for parents, on a post written by a parent, about their child.

I think the OP has been scared off.

I can see both sides. Kids don’t really see the cost element of things until they are much older. They know that some things are “expensive” but it’s only when your older and start buying items yourself when you realise how it all works.

The child should have handled it better and more graciously (and should know how to really at age 10) but then the presents do seem underwhelming (Sorry OP I know you tried!)

I used to get a bit deflated at the gifts my parents got me (although my mum picked them) because after the age of 10 I didn’t think she really understood me and her gifts involved minimal effort. She wants to be praised at how great of a mother and grandmother she is though!

I’d speak to your DC, find out what’s going on and how their reactor was disappointing and that gifts aren’t mandatory. People choose to get you a gift.

Good luck OP!

@Fakenametodayhey

I feel sorry for your dcs

Oh in answer to your question, no I wouldn’t take the gifts away

I'm shocked at the amount of people who are saying the reaction to the legoland ticket was justified as its a present for the whole family.

I often but my kids tickets to things for birthdays or Christmas... Yes the whole family does benefit but its something they would choose to do. I got both kids merlin passes the other christmas, as its something they can't do alone, I got me and husband one too, I'd have been fuming if they had moaned because other people benefitted from "their" gift. They were expensive and not something I'd have just bought.

Also, the child asked for money, clothes and vouchers, and was then unhappy that was what they got. I would be angry with their reaction but wouldn't actually take the gifts back. I would remove them from sight and have a chat about gratitude and their reaction.

How many of the rest of us think it's ok to complain if our DH/DP bought a thoughtless present? Meanwhile children mustn't dare not want a present their parent decided they must like?

This.

Also if the fact that child was disappointed (with the gifts) and expressed that (ungrateful and sarcastic) needs punishing then the fact that the OP was disappointed (with the reaction) and expressed that (lost it and ranted) should also be punished.

How many of the rest of us think it's ok to complain if our DH/DP bought a thoughtless present?

If I asked for a present and DH brought it, plus one extra thing, what would there be to complain about though?

The child reacted negatively at Xmas too so I think it's more than the gift being disappointing,

A bit overwhelmed by numbers of replies.

These are not the only gifts, their dad and his family have given things. And there is an activity-based party on the weekend with friends which I've arranged.

A brief before school chat has elucidated that child acknowledges behaviour was a bit crap, that they got what they asked for, and really want to go to Legoland. but, had been hoping to also get some toys of a type which they already have a lot of but haven't played with for 6 months or so, and about a month ago suggested to me we get rid of them as too old for them. So i had no clue this was something they might have wanted.

We will deal with making suitable reparations for the attitude later on when there is more time.

I often but my kids tickets to things for birthdays or Christmas.

From what the OP has written this was the only present the child was given by their parents. I assume you also buy other little bits to go along with the tickets?

Yes the whole family does benefit but its something they would choose to do

This also worth noting, your children want the present you've brought. The child in the OP went many years ago, which for a 10 year old could easily mean they were 6 or 7 when they last went to Legoland. Also the OP says both children have asked to go back, so you have to wonder how much of the asking was done by the 10 year old.

How is the child ment to spend the Amazon voucher as they are too young to have an account?

Cross posted with the OP there.

We will deal with making suitable reparations for the attitude later on when there is more time.

I sincerely hope you will also be making suitable reparations for not containing your own disappointment and losing it.

I don't blame the OP for feeling upset, at all.

Yes @SpaSushi you're not going to know he wanted something else if he didn't tell you. So I get that.

I think you should talk to him about his sulky reaction and about managing his expectations but also apologise for losing it yourself. It's good for children to know that their parents are not perfect.

In the future, please do consider though that buying something as a gift is only a gift if the recipient feels it's clearly with them primarily in mind. Present giving is not so that we as parents can get a pat on the back and told how wonderful we are. It should be unconditional. If you reboot things in that respect, hopefully your dc will start to behave more graciously.

'I don't blame the OP for feeling upset, at all.'

Parenting is not about having our own needs and feelings met though. Or at least, it shouldn't be.