To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

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My 8 yo knows what sarcasm is. I don't think it's a point of pride not to. She very poorly used it against us but stops as soon as she gets The Look.

She also understands the difference between feelings and actions, which is what we're actually discussing here. But some children take longer to learn impulse control, empathy and social niceties. Behaving like a controlling arsehole doesn't teach that. Empathy does.

Sorry think the Lego land trip is unfair. It’s not for them it’s for them all. Get the other one the same for their birthday and see their reaction.

@MoominMantra most of the gifts were things that the Op's child had asked for. So your post makes no sense. The gifts WERE with the child in mind.

And I don't understand the hate for the trip idea on this thread. My daughters loved days out as gifts. And guess what they sometimes do for me as a gift now that they're adults?

At 10 I remember clothing as being a bit of a naff present. Day out at Legoland would have felt more special if they could have invited a friend and sibling spent the day elsewhere etc.

Vouchers like clothing are also a bit naff and don't require much thought. The present haul could probably have benefited from some toys and quirky little things to liven it up.

So surprised at some posters criticising getting the ungrateful little brat what they requested. And the attitude started from the first gift, not as a cumulative result of having nothing they wanted.

I bet your children are all going to grow up to be delightfully low maintenance

Being watched opening presents is quite embarrassing and his sarcastic comments were little "jokes" to ease the tension he felt. It sounds like you got over excited and then angry because he didn't react exactly the way you imagined he would. You give a gift with love but you can't dictate how the person receives it.
A calm chat about being polite can be had in the morning.

To be fair the Christmas melt down is a red herring- if the gifts were from 'santa' at 10 I am betting he knows they aren't and the whole Santa thing is false , it a situation bound to end in tears

If I’m being honest, if at 10 my birthday present was a family trip to LEGOland I’d be pissed off. I would have loved to have gone. But not for it to be my birthday present while everyone else got the benefit of it and their own presents at their own birthday

Your kid is definitely ungrateful and you should discipline that - however, I think there's an underlying issue somewhere. I was raised to be grateful of every gift but I went through a spell sort of like this and it was brought on by watching my friends and cousins all get these huge presents for their birthdays/Christmases whilst I didn't. Because they were well-off and we weren't. I wasn't actually ungrateful for the gifts, I was just jealous and scunnered with being poor. Speak to DC and find out what it is about the gifts that upset them so much. There must be a reason for the behaviour.

Also, don't say your child is crying "crocodile tears" when you've lost the plot at them. Crying is a natural reaction to someone yelling at you.

PooWillyBumBum
...and how did your children turn out?

If at the age of 10 he asks for certain gifts, gets some of them plus fillers, and has a temper tantrum – why?

he didn't get what he asked for which was money? he got a family trip to legoland?

MrsTerryPratchett

I 100% absolutely guarantee this would induce worse behaviour and feelings, rather than better. You would be confirming what he originally believed. So he's justified in his anger.

No, he's not justified in his anger.
In what world is it okay to be angry and rude because someone got you a gift?

In what world is it okay to be angry and rude because someone got you a gift?

In a world where you believe they actually bought the present for themselves or someone else. See: underwear, kitchen appliances, improving gifts and Homer Simpson's bowling ball. I know someone whose MIL bought them a set of classes to learn how to do something he had no interest in because she thought he should know.

If the child really believes that the trip was bought for the sibling to enjoy, then the sibling goes alone with the parent, yes, I'd expect anger. If my DH bought me a trip to Vegas, where he would like to go and I wouldn't, then he took his best mate because I complained, I would absolutely be angry.

The kid had expressed wanting to go. This isn't some random idea mum had with no consideration for her son.

If dh bought me a ticket to a place that I had expressed interest in going, and invited other people who loved me to share the celebration, I'd say thank you.

Being disappointed doesn't give someone a pass to be rude and ungrateful. A birthday is not a blank cheque to expect certain gifts and hold people to ransom with tantrums. At 3 years old, we discuss and teach. At 10 years old, we say it's unacceptable and draw a boundary around the behaviour.

@Fakenametodayhey Jesus that's nasty

Well thankyou. I think you've just foretold my 9 yr old son's birthday next month.

I agree having to take a sibling to Lego land is unfair, I think let him take a friend.

Wrt Legoland: We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back.

Over the course of 'many years' the children have asked 'a few times' about going back. And both children have asked.

This isn't exactly a case of clamouring for a trip to Legoland. Or a special b-day outing for the birthday boy.

ADropofReality I agree with your concern about the use of sarcasm at just turned 10.

Use of sarcasm that is hurtful indicates that the child has been exposed to sarcasm but hasn't understood it/can't process it.

OP, if you don't normally use sarcasm then you need to look at what media the child is exposed to, and also to look at the social environment in school - do teachers or other children use sarcasm?

The child could just as easily have made a direct statement about the vouchers. Why the sarcasm?

@SpaSushi
I'm glad that you've had a chat with your DC and am not surprised at the child's response that they were hoping for some more smaller toy presents. My initial reaction on reading the beginning of this thread was to think 'what did my DC have for their 10th birthday?' And there would have been a mixture - a DVD, computer game, books, outdoor game like nerf water gun, something to make, something associated with one of the DCs sporting activities.

Interesting that they wanted to play games they hadn't played for around 6 months as well - DH was always trying to chuck things out that hadn't been played with for a while but 6 weeks of summer holiday things get dragged out again and I always took a summer birthday as an opportunity to stick some small activities to keep occupied in with the birthday gifts.

As some other posters have said - 10 is a funny age, they are growing up but not quite ready to put away all childish things just yet.

I hope you all have a lovely time at Legoland.

I personally found a lot of advice given on here quite shocking - where is the love and kindness in your families? Yes there is teaching good manners and being grateful but a birthday is a special day for a child. Of course many families cannot afford a lot but that's a different issue and to be talked about way before the day of the birthday.

Agree shinynewapple harsh punishments passed down the generations in the name of "teaching good manners" is an outlet for parent's hurt or anger, but teaches children that adults will intentionally cause hurt and shame with their words and actions, yet children should learn not to do this?!

Not read every post but if it was me I would let everyone calm down then just show my child how many of those ‘gifts with a conscience’ could have been bought with the money spent on their birthday presents. ‘Legoland is £200, that would buy x number of goats/mozzy nets/school books for children who have nothing.’ Don’t lay it on thick or guilt trip. We adults easily forget how lucky we really are - it’s not surprising that children forget too. I don’t think children mean to be ungrateful or rude, they get over-excited, and are bombarded by adverts for massive toys/trips/parties etc but don’t yet appreciate how many hours of night shift has to be worked to pay for it all!!

Take them off her until she can be grateful!