To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

You have an emotional child. Punishing them for emotional reactions isn’t going to teach anything. From a 10 year olds POV, Legoland as a gift is pretty rubbish unless specifically requested and understood that this will be the main or only gift from your parents. The reality of begging to go back to Lego land as something they loved at maybe 7 is that it will probably be pretty boring at 10. This is a present for your eldest but your youngest most likely is going to enjoy it more. You missed the mark here imo.

My dd is 11. She chose most of the stuff she was given. A few bits of makeup from us and clothes from relatives so no surprises. Her main gift was a trampoline. I also gave her a cheap surprise gift - about £6. Dd is vocal when she’s disappointed with gifts from others. She was upset about the lack of gifts from us on the day. I stood firm as she told me I should have spent more. I didn’t get cross or punish her and pointed out she’d just had new £50 dance shoes. If she doesn’t like something, as long as she thanks that person and doesn’t let on it is not to her liking, all is fine and we can discuss her disappointment and behaviour. I think anymore than that from a highly sensitive child is expecting too much.

It is difficult to parent and emotional child. But there are some big upsides. Dd is a really good friend. The teachers always praise her really highly in her school report for being a pleasure to teach and someone, who wants to make sure everyone is ok and put them at ease. Perhaps your child has these qualities or others. I really don’t agree with a lot of the comments from posters. They’re telling you to force your child to deny who they are. All your child will learn is to hide their emotions. As the parent, it is your job to teach them to manage them. I was taught the latter and still struggle to manage mine despite having had lengthy high quality therapy.

Have a read in highly sensitive people. Apparently they feel things 10 times more acutely than those, who are not.

I’ve just read the last few comments. I’m so glad you’ve received a few more views similar to mine. hellodarkness has nailed it really.

I wouldon't ignore on their actual birthday but I'd be having strong words on the days following. That really is unacceptable.

This has brought back 2 memories for me

One Christmas when I was 16 my main present was a £100 gift voucher for debenhams. I was so upset because I felt like my mum hadnt put any effort in and I had to choose my own presents. It was only when she explained that she didn't know what to get me that i realised she did her best.

Also my birthday falls in the summer holidays so every year I would be disappointed that people couldn't come to my party..so my parents would take us on summer holiday but on my birthday I got to decide everything, where we went, what we had for dinner etc. It was so much better after that. I will have a child in the same situation so planning to manage their expectations.

I think darkness response on this page is the best. Once you get into a low feeling it's hard to come out of it. When I have given vouchers I explain what they are for to the child. Money is a clearer Image.

I would also see legoland as my birthday treat day out not the gift.

I hope you have all woken up today feeling calmer and can resolve this. Perhaps apologise to the child that they were disappointed but explain reasoning behind the gifts and offer to exchange something or take them out over the weekend to do something special.

No wouldn't return presents. No sane parent would. Imagine being 10 years old and having your presents returned because you didn't show the right level of gratitude. How powerless, angry and unloved you would feel.
Talk to them when things have calmed down, find their perspective, give your perspective, get them to apologise for their rudeness.
Next year get a precise list and try to stick to buying from it.

I would be fuming at her too. A chat is in order, but have it after the birthday. Offer to send the gifts back as she’s so disappointed. And next year and for Christmas just give her money from relatives too.

Mine are in their twenties now and I’m still pissed off with the way they expect special days to go. So I’m very aloof with them.

I'd put the presents away for a while, ignore the tears/tantrum and wait for them to come to me. Then I'd have the 'chat'. Birthday or no birthday, that's a vile attitude to have and I'd be upset and disappointed.

I can see their point about LegoLand. Can they not take a friend at least? Taking only a sibling is a bit rubbish.

Duplicate clothes is rubbish too.

So was their cash? Was it expected?

I understand why he was upset that his birthday gift was a family day out. His response to his other presents was rude, though.

The voucher and clothes were from other family members?
The trip to legoland for the family was their only gift from their parent/s?

^this

We shouldn’t be crappy to the OP because there wasn’t a mountain of presents. Some people can’t afford to get lots of things and some people prefer not to, and that’s fine.

Is the OP coming back?

I don't think money is the issue. Legolas is very expensive.

His responses were rude but he did have a point about the Legoland trip, unless this is usual in your family (ie siblings present was a family trip) then it does seem a bit odd to make a family treat his present.

We shouldn’t be crappy to the OP because there wasn’t a mountain of presents. Some people can’t afford to get lots of things and some people prefer not to, and that’s fine

Next year get a precise list and try to stick to buying from it.

It's no wonder we have a generation of snowflakes and brats emerging . The amount of activities , holidays, gifts, dress ups etc that many children are subjected to today is outrageous . Their attention span is limited and their social development is stunted. This thread is yet another example of how spoiled children are and then you are surprised by how they behave? You reap what you sow.

@TheStuffedPenguin I don't agree with you at all.

Children behave according to the example they are set, not how much money is spent on them.

I wouldn’t take the presents away but I would offer to take them back eg if you don’t want them say, and I will return them as it’s a waste of money otherwise. Then I really would return them especially the day trip if he didn’t want it. Obviously don’t replace it with anything.

I’ve had this where dc has got everything they asked for but very ungrateful. My child begs and pleads for stuff sometimes then if I say save up, they can’t/won’t and then they’re on to the next thing they supposedly really want. I don’t think they particularly wanted the original thing at all.

@Allornothingnow he didn't plead for a trip to Legoland though.

The Legoland trip was a really shit present. It's a treat for the whole family, not what they asked for and probably too young for them. And yet you were expecting adoration at what a superduper parent you are?

I think their behaviour was appalling but I also think giving them a daily trip to Legoland is a bit of a shit present. Not because trip to Legoland is shit but because, as they rightly said, it's a gift on their birthday for you and their sibling.

A heart to heart chat when emotions are not as high is probably the way to go.

I dont think Legoland qualifies as a main present from a parent, sorry. I can understand why they were a bit frustrated.

As PP said about the autistic child, you need to work with him on what his response will be next time.if he gets something he doesn't want or like. As PP have said, if you have an autistic child you get used to having to spell out and rehearse normal scenarios so that they can 'learn' normal social interaction - "So what will you say if you open your present from nanny and you don't like it?" "What will you say if you open your present from nanny and it is something you already have" "what will you say if nanny doesn't have a present for you?"

You have to put your own feelings to one side and think about what is good for him in the long run.

I wouldn't yell and shout at them, just have a chat about why they were disappointed and why you were upset about their remarks, explaining about the value of money and the effort you went into in choosing their gifts.

10 is a funny age, they aren't little kids any more and are starting to be more separate from parents and individual, and they often get it wrong. Taking presents away would be a massive overreaction, and toxic parenting. I think Legoland is a bit babyish for ten year olds - I took DDs when they were 7 and 3.

Plus I hate Legoland anyway for various reasons. DD2 (10) wants to go back to Thorpe Park over the summer.

I would take the presents and the child to a charity shop and donate it all explaining that some children don't get anything for birthdays. You could offer the LEGOLAND visit to a family who would love it ......your child needs to understand that thier behaviour is inappropriate