To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I think what is also colouring this is that you are disappointed that the child is disappointed.

Child is a high strung emotional type- so i ought to be used to this by now- I'm very good at saying no/ removing wifi/ privileges/ playdates etc when necessary, i just wish they would hurry up and learn !

The book 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' is great on emotions- and how we often tell children off for experiencing them or tell them they don't feel what they feel- I used to do this a lot with one of mine (who is quite dramatic), and a tiny amount of empathy from me, and they usually calm down and come up with their own solution now.

And ranting about ungratefulness because you are disappointed that your present didn't hit the mark, probably actually isn't particularly brilliant parenting.

The gifts would be gone.

Except legoland, we'd plan to still go and if his attitude improves he may be permitted to join us.

What a selfish attitude, being upset that his sibling gets to celebrate his birthday with the family - I bet he doesn't feel like inviting his friends to a birthday party is like getting a present for them...

I don't care at all what emotions made him behave so nastily. He's 10, not 2, he doesn't get to just vomit his emotions all over his family with no consequences - how exactly will he learn to control them if he can be as entitled as he wants and still gets privileges?

As gently as possible I have to say I think you're in the wrong more than child is.

You expected a particular level of happiness .. when that didn't happen (by your own admission) you got upset, lost it and ranted.

If you can't control and model your own expectations, emotions and reactions how can you expect your child to?

Don't take away or return presents, that's mean .. do have a calm chat like PP have suggested.

You need to apologise too and tell child you don't always get it right or behave properly either so you're both learning together and can agree to try harder or work on making better choices/reactions in future.

Child needs a big hug, not shouting and taking away presents. Its not too late to turn this into something you both learn from and can use as a positive step forward in your relationship.

Age 10, was the first year ds had clothes he requested, I think it was Hype at the time, he also had a day out with his sibling, but that was more a family surprise, and he had ‘money to use for an XBox game’- which he could download straight away. He had some gifts he could ‘play’ with- Lego and bits.

Could this be the problem? There was nothing he could ‘do with his gifts’ right now? Even the voucher would be waiting for something to arrive.

Except legoland, we'd plan to still go and if his attitude improves he may be permitted to join us.

I 100% absolutely guarantee this would induce worse behaviour and feelings, rather than better. You would be confirming what he originally believed. So he's justified in his anger.

I would be horrified too.

I think it would be worthwhile talking and working out if he/she had other expectations, and talking them through.

But aside from that, they need to understand that they need to be gracious when receiving any gift, even if it isn’t exactly what they wanted. At 10 I’d expect those manners to be learnt.

I’ve also given experiences as presents even with my 8 year old, but they’ve only been for me and her. It’s the 1:1 time that makes it special.

Kid needs to learn some manners. But, tbh, I can see why they were disappointed. A voucher and a few bits of clothing they asked for. No surprises. The tickets for Legoland isn't really a gift for the child, it's a family day out.

I think they are sad you didn't pick something yourself just for them.

I actually think that if lego land was for both of them then it is not a birthday gift as it's not your other child's birthday but they still got the same thing.

Otherwise, yes your child was very ungrateful and I would be tempted to calmly return the gifts and explain why. I would not want to reward that behaviour.

Where has the attitude about the gifts come from though?

Yeah I agree with quite a few others. The child's behaviour was poor - it sounds like they were having a strop right from the first present. At the point they opened up the gift certificate, which they asked for, they hadn't seen their other presents and gave a sarcastic comment and no 'thank you'. Definitely a bad attitude.

However, the only presents they had which were instantly tangible were clothing and, in all honesty, I can't imagine too many 10 year olds being excited at that. Legoland is a bit 'young' for a 10 year old and, if that really is what this particular 10 year old wanted, letting them bring a friend or two might make it seem more like a gift and less like a family day out.

Clothes and a day out isn't a great present for a 10 year old, and you ranted and shouted at him on his birthday so...

Some children don't like the whole present opening rigmarole and can behave badly due to self consciousness.

Not saying he wasn't ungrateful, but your reaction was childish. Poor kid.

Yeah I wouldn't be letting this slide. One of my DCs received 3 of the same present one year, and they smiled, said thank you, and were polite to the gift givers. They approached me afterwards and asked if I could exchange 2 of them (gift was something they couldn't possibly ever use 3 of) and that was absolutely fine, as they'd acted appropriately - shown respect and gratitude for having been bought a gift, and realised that the givers had taken time and effort to give them these items, not been stroppy that there was duplication.
Yes, I'm the 'safe place' where my DC don't always have to be polite and well mannered, and can be themselves completely and utterly, but even if your DC was disappointed with the gifts, there's no need to be rude about it.
If it were me, I'd probably return one gift, and donate the money to a shelter/foodbank, to illustrate that some children really have nothing.

Having said that a day out isnt a great present, at 10 i alsways took mine off somewhere special just me and them ie ds and i went to a big football match and stayed overnight in a premier inn, it actually didnt cost as much as Lego land and he still talks about it years later!

He should learn to be polite but he was clearly quite gutted.

It was my birthday too! I was thrilled with my book tokens and gift cards i would say we’ve all had that birthday at lead once however where we feel let down and disappointed for no good reason; it’s the anticipation that can get out of hand, especially when you’re young, and you can never live up to it. I would sit him down tomorrow and explain how his reaction made you feel and try to open that dialogue to see how he really feels and to give him the opportunity to apologise without being punished and growing resentful about it.

What programmes, movies, Youtube channels, other media does DC watch?
What sort of content/plots/values?

Is DC being bullied in school or is school a safe environment?

DC had a fair point about the clothing that duplicated some already owned and also about the Legoland trip.

Maybe didn't understand the voucher? Maybe doesn't really want to buy more games or whatever? Maybe they were hoping that you would somehow discern some present that would knock their socks off? Or maybe they are feeling left out or overlooked or misunderstood?

The clothing that DC said they wanted was really mentioned on a whim in the shop. It was likely not something s/he really wanted.

Sometimes when a child seems really grabby and demanding there is a lot going on that they are not telling you. The stuff and the demands are proxies for feelings.

Maybe this child does not feel special?

You describe the birthday preparations in a very cut and dried way. Child expressed whim, you found someone to sort it. Child asked for vouchers for games to buy for themselves - you got it. The Legoland trip was in your own words a killing two birds with the one stone plan - it didn't address in any specific way the likes or interests of the child.

Did you yourself not have any insight into what the child might have wanted or needed?

Certainly there was a lack of manners there, but I suspect there was more, particularly if Christmas featured a similar scene. I think you need to do some digging.

I would be furious too, and I would absolutely be confiscating the gifts for the foreseeable future.

My understanding of the behaviour would be to deem it "spoilt brat behaviour" and come down hard on it.

I’d be talking to my child, and asking why they don’t appreciate the gifts.

It’s not the first time they have acted ungrateful so I think you need to do something. Like others suggested I would remove the presents until child is ready to talk and then if the talk goes well they can get the presents back. We don’t always have to be happy with our gifts but there is a way of handling that.

On the other child’s birthday I think you should also do a gift that involves both of them. My brother and I also want to something extra from my grandparents on each other’s birthdays and we never begrudged each other for that. But it was fair as it happened on both of ours bdays.

My mother took back all my formal wear because I was being nasty at 16 so I couldn’t go. I wish she gave me a chance to earn it back but that’s what happens. We still have a great relationship.

And I would ignore everyone telling you, you didn’t get a great present.. every family situation is different. Some kids are happy with a colouring book and others more privileged children would be horrified. You know how the present rated in what you can afford and normally provide. They had been asking to go again and maybe this way not something you could afford to do otherwise.. no problem in killing 2 birds with one stone if this is the case.

A friend when younger had a tantrum over a gift at a birthday party. As punishment mum made daughter write a letter of apology to each person there.
I just thought that might be something you could try.

How long ago did he actual ask to go back to Legoland. I would have felt a bit big for LL at 10 to be honest.

It’s hard to say about the voucher as they are way more common now than 20 years ago, I would have preferred cash.

No, you do not return the gifts. When you’re a parent you’re the adult. You rise above such behaviour.

Life is short. Do you really want your child to remember you returning their birthday presents for the rest of their life? If you return the stuff you will be doing it out of a knee jerk response of your own hurt. That’s not what parenting should be about. Even though, of course it’s upsetting when you feel unappreciated.

In all honestly though, is a trip to Lego land what most 10 year olds would want?

I would want to find out the reason for the child’s reaction.

‘If you can't control and model your own expectations, emotions and reactions how can you expect your child to?’

Exactly

I teach children of a similar age and can tell you the excitement and expectation in the run up to birthdays is considerable.

In his head, it was going to be the best day ever. A bit like how, as young adults, we always thought NYE would be the best night out ever but we were invariably disappointed!

In reality, he had to wait until the evening and received a pretty disappointing set of presents. At ten, clothes are something that should just be provided, and a family day out is also a treat for siblings.

So I know I'm in a minority but :

Gift1 : sarcastic comment about paper, clearly a bit of a joke as he didn't initially know what it was.

Gift2 : clothes

Gift3 : even worse, duplicate item of clothing

Gift4 : treat for whole family, to somewhere most 10yo children have outgrown

Gift5 : more clothes but it doesn't really matter what it was because child had just been on the receiving end of a rant from his mum.

I'm big on manners and politeness. I taught my kids from an early age to feign excitement when opening full or unwanted gifts. But actually I don't expect them to feign excitement at home with me. With me, they can be honest about how they feel.

So my view is that he was disappointed with his presents and didn't think he had to hide that from his own mum. I think a candid chat is in order so that he understands the thought behind the presents and why Mum was hurt and disappointment. But I definitely don't think you should be teaching a child that they can't be honest with their mum.