To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I think he sounds spoilt-why would you cry over being told youre rude-he was bloody rude

He sounds selfish-my nephew got a trip to chessington when he was 10 he was allowed to bring a frfiend but the whole family went-what the hell does he think hes doing saying well its not for me is it

Also christmas so he has form for this its not a one off

Legoland trip to me seems more like a birthday day out rather than the only main birthday present? Particularly if it wasn't discussed in advance. Most 10 year olds want something tangible for a gift. The sarcastic comments sounds like they were trying to make awkward jokes, because present opening can feel awkward for most people, without hearing their tone it is impossible to say if it was ok or bratty, but my feeling is not bratty.

Did they actually ask for those clothes as their only birthday gifts? I wouldn't dream of asking a family member to gift clothes for my 10 year olds. It's possibly one of the last birthdays where they will enjoy toys or something more fun. It does sound like quite a boring haul, and at just 10, they won't get the jokey comments quite right.

Is this a boy? A girl! You're clearly trying to hide which but unsure why?

And the rudeness needs dealing with. But a few vouchers and some tops does sound a bit boring. Sorry

They asked for money, you didn't want to get that and so bought a family trip to Legoland.

If you ask what someone wants then you should honour what they ask for. If you are going to ignore what they say and get something that you pick then you shouldn't ask in the 1st place.

I hate spoiled behaviour and come down on it fairly rigorously if when any of mine act that way.

However, however, however ...at least in this household....10 is still young enough to be super excited about their birthday and not quite able to play it cool, to want silly presents, things to to play with. Those gifts are quite grown up and need deferred gratification. The Legoland trip isn't for them alone - its a family treat. I think they were disappointed. I would still expect the gifts to be received with better grace...but but but

Put the presents away, when they are asked for sit down with the child and ask him what he had wanted it to be like. Go from there.

I dunno...he got bits of paper and clothes...No fun quirky cheap presents a 10 yr old would enjoy ?

He done the same at christmas aswell Ihatemyself

Please consider having your child seen by someone. I was like this as a child. My dad once got me tickets to a favourite band and all I said was okay. I have no idea why! I was grateful!
Looking back I was a sad and anxious child majorly confused about how to communicate with people and what was appropriate. I just didnt get it for some reason. Nobody ever picked up on something being wrong, and I never asked for help because my best friend had "real" mental health issues and for some reason I was incredibly afraid of being seen as a copycat. If your daughter hasn't always been like this, then please consider there may be something bigger going on. I still struggle with coming across poorly now.

Well said @hairydogsinunusalplaces

You know your child but those presents are a bit dull. Legoland is a day out, not a specific present for ds. Clothes are clothes (never presents at that age in my house) and vouchers are boring. It's a bit like I don't know my own child well enough to choose something. OK,attitude is tiresome but maybe they were feeling let down.

Did you have a fun birthday evening? It really matters to children.

hmm if there is a pattern to this, I wonder if it just feels like pressure. Kid knows they are supposed to feel excited/happy/grateful, actually just feels stressed. Stressed AND disappointed.

They wanted more surprises and 'effort'. Even though you had put loads of effort in, they wanted the hollywood birthday. It's just unreal expectations and a learning curve for some kids that the hollywood birthday doesn't really exist.

Dont take them back. But just make sure you dont fall for this again at Christmas. Stick to a: needs, wants, read, wear (so 4 presents ) just give less. He sounds a bit entitled. Which is normal i guess at 10. But it is also something that is learned. Our kids grow up to feel like this because they are spoiled. And they dony even realise that. Spoiled in a way as in: clothed, fed, rof over head,school. Maybe also show him how other people live. People who have nothing. For a bit of reality check.

I don't understand you giving clothes as presents. At that age you should be providing all the clothing and not giving that as presents. Vouchers again is boring and I only give them if I haven't got time or no clue what to get someone. Think you are being harsh and I've never giving a day out as a present either.

I agree with @greensleaves - talking to your DC at this critical (hormone charged) age is better imo than getting angry/upset. There’s always a reason imo.
Did DC choose popular clothing worn by friends? Maybe deep down DC doesn’t much care for them.
Talk and talk some more.

The fact that this happened at Christmas too suggests they’re struggle with the emotional aspect of getting gifts. Are they hormonal? How do they react to planned days out? How are they at dealing with disappointment generally?

Stick to a: needs, wants, read, wear (so 4 presents ) just give less.

I claim the Mumsnet bingo! You all knew that it was coming.

meanwhile back in the real world of 10 year olds.....

you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me
To be fair that’s entirely accurate. How is it a birthday present when sibling has received the same ticket and it’s not their birthday?

Stick to a: needs, wants, read, wear (so 4 presents ) just give less. He sounds a bit entitled.

The OP gave him 1 gift. A family day out to Legoland. The other gifts were from other family members.

Unclear if the OP is the parent- if they are then a family trip to Legoland is hardly spoiling your child for their 10th birthday gift is it?

Child is a high strung emotional type- so i ought to be used to this by now- I'm very good at saying no/ removing wifi/ privileges/ playdates etc when necessary, i just wish they would hurry up and learn !

This jumped out at me. All those negatives and punishments and she still won't learn! You're obviously upset and frustrated with her behaviour - not just tonight by the sound of it - and I can see your point of view. But she obviously hadn't read your script.
As others have suggested,she may have been tired,overwhelmed,frustrated,disappointed, confused (paper voucher) ...and so on.

Having such a confrontation on a birthday of all days wasn't what either of you wanted. Taking away gifts seems cruel to me and won't make her more grateful in the future,possibly resentful instead. If,on the other hand,she's not actually bothered by that then perhaps she does find the whole birthday/ Christmas thing too much.

If this is a regular pattern then try and find out if there's something else going on.

And people calling an unknown 10 year old a brat is, at best, not helpful.

You've got to unpack some of this behaviour here. It's just a really unfathomable and extreme reaction. I don't think leaping to the conclusion that he is "ungrateful " is going to help.

You need to try not to rush to judgment and unpack why he is feeling like this: does he build it up in his mind so much that anything is a disappointment? does he think the gifts are the complete expression of your love for him rather than a token? is he worried about the gifts being used as some social yardstick among his friends and not measuring up? Is he growing up and doesn't feel that you understand that?

I wouldn't think a trip to legoland for the family was a birthday gift really... a birthday activity instead of a party, sure. I can see being cross that the sibling got actual gifts and they just got something to share. When we have given concert tickets etc it has always been so the child can take a friend.

I would explain that it is ok to be disappointed if it wasn't what they wanted, but it isn't ok to be ungrateful and hurt people's feelings. Explain there are many times in life we get stuff we have no interest in or actively dislike, and we just have to act grateful and accept that the giver meant well.

Kids don't always know what they really want, either. At 15 I asked for just money for Christmas. So apart from some underwear, I got money from everyone. I had a miserable Christmas day watching my.younger siblings play with piles of toys because obviously the shops weren't open and it would actuslly be a week or so till I could spend my cash. I learnt a lesson... your child will too.

Even if he's entitled etc (and I'm not sure a family day out is really a present as such, sorry) don't take away the gifts. They are his, half of them are clothes anyway, which are always a bit of an iffy gift at the best of times as you usually buy clothes anyway.

Don't know why everyone is saying take away his gifts. Unless you want to ruin the relationship you have, no need to go nuclear. Just talk. Be honest, say you were disappointed, you tried hard and he said nasty things. Find out what's going on, why he doesn't like Christmas/Birthday gifts/pressure. He's not that mature at 10, get to the bottom of it. Next pressie event, start talking in advance and I'd move away from surprises as he clearly can't cope with them _ I'd give a sum of money for him to spend and discuss what he's going to buy in advance of the day.