To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Well if my ds behaved that way, I’d have a calm chat.

And I’d also have a long hard look in the mirror because he would have picked it up from somewhere.

I don’t think the presents should be removed or taken back etc, I’m not sure that would really achieve anything in the grand scheme of things. I think you probably need to have a chat about the reaction to them though. It’s unreasonable to expect whoops of delight just because it’s something they’ve asked for previously, but I don’t think it’s so unreasonable for them to recognise that they were presents they requested and be a little bit more grateful for the fact that someone actually listened to them.

I am horrified at all the posters who are rubbishing the gifts that have been given. Most of them were what was specifically asked for and it’s not exactly crime of the century to have received two of something is it?! I happens! 10 is old enough to understand that you’re not entitled to any gifts at all- they’re freely given and people could well choose not to get you anything at all. You don’t have to like it, but you also can’t be horrid about what people have chosen. They didn’t give them a dog shit sandwich did they? This idea that a lot of posters seem to have that all gifts should be spectacular and apparently cost a fortune is ridiculous. I’d have been bankrupt before my child’s first birthday if that were the case

It's no wonder we have a generation of snowflakes and brats emerging

No we don't. Stop reading the Daily Mail and take your head out of your bottom.

Two things I'd consider..

Ten years old is a weird age. Most kids have grown out of toys but still haven't fully got into clothes or music. It can make present buying tricky.

A present for the family isn't the same as a present for the child. I'd also say that 10 is old for Legoland unless they are there to accompany a younger child on a family day out.

His friends may be inadvertently putting pressure on him. They may get games consoles, gadgets, bikes, etc. A lot of clothes isn't going to compare.

I'd be more sympathetic here and listen to how he's feeling. I tell mine it's okay to feel what you feel but let's talk.
Otherwise adolescence could be very long indeed.

A family trip to Legoland is just that, it’s not a birthday present it’s a family treat. Did he get a share in the main present from you on the siblings birthday? Sorry OP but I’m with your son. He’s a kid and it’s his birthday what reaction did you expect?

The behaviour re presents is rude, but re Legoland, is DC really interested in it, is there the possibility that sibling is bigger Lego fan and DC see this as more for them?

Child is a high strung emotional type- so i ought to be used to this by now- I'm very good at saying no/ removing wifi/ privileges/ playdates etc when necessary, i just wish they would hurry up and learn!

To be fair not only has you child not learnt but you haven’t either! Next Xmas and birthday you need to work out with your child how it’s going to pan out to avoid him playing up. Maybe he chooses exactly what he gets, also you can plan out how you expect him to behave and what the consequences will be if he behaves badly again.

I think the family trip was a mistake too. Sorry.

I wouldn’t take any of the presents back but I’d have a good long chat with him.

I'm very good at saying no/ removing wifi/ privileges/ playdates etc when necessary, i just wish they would hurry up and learn !

They don't just learn this stuff, you are there to teach them. Time to step up and get good at saying no and removing priviledges etc.
Just be warned, once you do start to be more strict, they will up the behaviour in hope they can get you to back off, so stand tough and don't waver, they can smell fear, and indecision.

Perhaps it would have been fairer to give them the option of taking a friend to Legoland instead?

Wow there are some cruel parents on this post. Dont confiscate your childs presents.

Talk to them calmly. Ask why they reacted the way they did and listen. Explain why their reaction was unacceptable and ask them to apologise to the gift givers.

I agree with the people saying legoland was a terrible gift. It would have been better to have just spent a tenner on some stationary (or any other equally cheap and age appropriate gift). Kids like to unwrap physical items. Even at 10.

I'm surprised at how many posters are rubbishing the OP and the gifts.

This is a child who has been sulky and ungrateful at their birthday AND Christmas.

On the clothes front, my mum would buy my day to day clothing, but if I wanted something more expensive/fancy then we would get it for our birthdays or Christmases. Not every parent can afford to (or would want to) spend a fortune on day to day clothes for kids.

I think LEGOLAND should have been a family day out though, not the present. However there is no excuse for this level of ungratefulness. They are 10 not 2.

My initial reaction was wow that’s awful and I felt your child was being really ungrateful. But on reflection I think your choices were a mistake.

If the last time you went to Legoland was years ago then in the meantime it’s quite likely you’re ten year old has outgrown it. It is too young really for that age for the most part and far more likely to appeal to the (I assume) younger sibling so I understand the feeling it’s a gift for you and the sibling.

But it’s odd you got such a lukewarm reaction to requested presents.

If they had their heart set on gaming items but could figure out you’d rather spend £100+ on a day trip that they didn’t want I can understand why they felt upset. And at 10 it’s not that easy to express that in any way other than being petulant.

I also think a lot of it had been about what you’ve decided was acceptable - you didn’t want to get more vouchers so you decided to do a trip instead. For giving a gift of that size - Legoland bring his main gift from his parents (since you got others to get vouchers and clothing) means you basically ignored what he wanted and instead choose a treat far more suitable to his sibling.

So in the end I can see why he’s disappointed. No excuse for the sarcasm but I guess that’s how he’s dealing with the disappointment.

What was your wish and the other gift-givers' wishes when you carefully chose these presents for your 10 year old?

Keep this wish for celebrating such an important milestone in your child's life when you decide how to respond to his disappointment. Decide how to calmly teach manners when recieving gifts, but at the same time, keep the spirit of birthday happiness alive for your 10 year old
Agree with MummyOittleDragon and others to work together with your emotional child to teach him better management of his emotions He wont always react like this, as he will learn by you mentoring and guiding him. You are a thoughtful mum taking the time to consider your reactions and looking at reaponses on Mn

10yos are crap at sarcasm but they do it because they think it's "grown up" unfortunately that often means it comes out in inappropriate settings.

If he's mainly interested in games, clothing, (and not much else) and believes sarcasm is funny/grown up I'm wondering if this is a child who watches a lot of youtube/gets a lot of screen time in general? Not a judgemental question - I recognise my own 10yo in this scenario and he could easily have reacted a bit like this. I know DH was really narked at his reaction to getting a €15 Nintendo store voucher for Christmas, which somehow got lost/thrown away in the general wrapping paper chaos etc and wasn't in the slightest bit bothered that he'd lost it.

Also highly strung, emotional = anxiety?

No, I would not return items, yes put them away for a bit if you like until you've talked about it. The duplicate should be able to be exchanged for something he likes. But overall I think I'd look at the whole picture. Anxiety might be worth investigating for potential support, it might be worth trying to foster some more varied interests as well, all before the hormone storm of puberty.

I disagree that it’s about the gifts not being good enough. That child was excited about most of them before he received them!

What I see is a pattern of behaviour. The never been happy about gifts he receives (Christmas was the same). The idea that he can beg for certain clothes etc..l (but then pull a face when he receives them as a gift, grumbles it’s the similar to xxx as if he hadn’t been above to realise that when he saw them first )

The picture for me is more the one of a child who isn’t able to appreciate what he has and what he is given.

@SpaSushi fwiw at that age, my dcs were asked to write down what they wouod want (for b’day and Christmas). The idea was thatbthey would get stuff from that list, and stuff as a surprise.
Clothes would have been in the list. As well as other ‘practical’ stuff.
A day out to Legoland (esp as it would have involved staying in a hotel etc for us) would have been seen as a treat and appreciated.
There would have been no ‘toys’ because they were not playing with toys anymore. There might have been some complex Lego for one of them.
Basically what I am saying is that everyone is different and it’s not because posters in here think the ideas were crap that they actually are for your (seeing the amount of what I wouod call crap been proposed as good Christmas gifts on here for example, I’m happy to never receive any of those!)

If they had their heart set on gaming items but could figure out you’d rather spend £100+ on a day trip that they didn’t want I can understand why they felt upset.

But he got a amazon voucher which is exactly what that is for. The OP doesn’t say how much the voucher was for. For all we know it could be as high as £200.

I would not return the presents but I would instead look around and arrange for him to see what it's like to have nothing, where a £10 Amazon voucher is beyond their wildest imagination. It could be documentaries on tv or locally. We always ensured my (fairly privileged) girls knew how fortunate they are and avoiding spoiling them (hopefully). He should also write thank you notes.

If I think back to when I was 10, I would've been disappointed with those gifts OP. I know you tried but they're a bit shit.

As a pp pointed out there was nothing he could play with today. A family day out is not a gift...a child won't realise the expense of them - they're more a childhood expectation even if they only happen once a year. It may have been his gift if you had said he could take the friends he wanted but even then that's delayed gratification to be the only gift. Plus isnt he a bit old for legoland? How old was he the last time he said he wanted to go back? I think a proper theme park would be more age appropriate and exciting at his age.

Regarding the gaming vouchers, you would've been better off buying a game/ accessory and then explaining he also had money to buy some more. And that gift should've come from the parents as it's the most interesting one and the only thing he specifically requested.

Sorry his reaction wasn't what you hoped. I think it takes extraordinary social skills for a child that age to be disappointed with their parent's birthday gift and not express it, as their expectation is that the gift from the parents will be the best one. I think it was wrong of him though to be rude about the gifts from other family members.

This is between you and your son by returning the gifts the situation will be known outside of the house and may well be brought up in conversation for the rest of his life. If you want to take some action then keep it in house.

I don't think money/cost anything to do with this situation to be honest.

10 is a big birthday for kids - double digits and all that. And he got a top that he picked out himself, vouchers (which I think are more suited to teens or older children) and a family trip to Legoland with younger sibling - I'd be disappointed too I think.

The problem with vouchers is you have this gift and there's nothing you can "do" with it. You can't play with vouchers or listen to them or download them - they're just bits of paper and I think to a 10 year old that can be a bit deflating.

The family trip to Legoland - in the nicest way, it's not a birthday gift if their younger sibling gets exactly the same thing, is it?

Ooh anther one seconding Thorpe Park- lots more fun and more appropriate for a 10 year old.

Hm. The ingratitude to the smaller gifts isn't great, and I think BertieBotts' point re youtube (you talk about removing wifi as a sanction, OP, which suggests it may loom quite large in this child's life) is worth thinking about - all the 'unboxing' stuff. But overall, I think a couple of things have gone wrong here. It's really not on (IMO) to present a trip for the whole family as a present for a specific child's birthday if it hasn't been requested by the child or doesn't revolve specifically around one of the child's interests. It does read, tbh, as if you don't know your dc well - as if you haven't put much thought into what they might want and just thought 'child = Legoland = brilliant'. Your dc won't be able to articulate that, but I understand that might hurt.

Plus you were clearly strongly expecting the benefit (to you) of a particular reaction you had imagined in advance. That sort of makes you two quits in this scenario - child didn't get the anticipated present (even if they had no clear idea of what they anticipated) and raged about it, you didn't get your anticipated payoff (confirmation from your child of what a wonderful mother you are) and raged about it. Thing is, you are the adult, the one with ultimate power in the dynamic. So the child can't win. And it's inappropriate to put that load of expectation on your child's birthday.

If this were me and I had got myself into this situation with my child, there would be a calm talk - using 'I' language - including an explanation (perhaps do this bit first) that the behaviour came across as very ungrateful and that's not how you want your child to act and not how they can act out there in the world without making themselves very unpopular. But also an exploration of what disappointed them and whether you can put that right somehow (not necessarily talking about giving more presents/money - in fact I wouldn't recommend that - the wishlist did seem a bit grown-up for your dc's age, tbh, and maybe they need more 'permission' to be a child still) - perhaps doing a day out that involves your child's interests.

If my DC were 10 and behaved like that (additional needs excepted) then I would be returning gifts or donating them to charity.
Enthusiasm is one thing, but rudeness/lack of acknowledgement & bad manners is another.
Perhaps in this case, holding on to things a few days & a chat about attitude would be in order.

At a similar age, I got clothes for my birthday. The most amazing 80s jumper and skirt/shorts in clashing fluorescent colours that I'd picked out days before. I was so excited. Two days later, my sister needed a new jumper and picked the exact same one. That would have been my only birthday present from my parents that year and she was able to get half the same thing just because. I was a polite, generous child and I pitched an absolute fit - which was of course ignored. 10 year old me felt it was a big flashing sign saying my sister's feelings were more important than mine.

I don't know how I'd have felt about a lego land trip - my parents would have made it MY day, I'd have sat in front (not possible now I know), picked the food and had first choice on rides etc.

I don't think taking the presents away is a good idea. It feels like a situation where as the adult you try and find out what the issue is and resolve it rather than escalating.

child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?'

This is the thing that stood out to me the most. Your dismissive attitude here is very telling. Yes it might be more fun to go with another person, but why does that person have to be a sibling? Surely the default is to offer to take a friend?