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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to sign the baby congratulations card

161 replies

ApricotSky · 10/07/2019 21:46

A work colleague has just given birth to her son and a card is going around the office. I have politely declined to sign it and my work colleagues are saying I’m being harsh.

The context is that a few months ago I lost my own son a week after he was born. My team members got me a card and flowers and all signed it - except her. (She was there when the card was going around and apparently just kept avoiding signing it/contributing). She is the only one who hasn’t made any reference to my loss since I returned to work - not even a mumbled ‘sorry for your sad news’ which even the office intern who I had only met once managed. I have had two previous stillborns and she said nothing then either.

Before she went on maternity leave she would talk loudly about her pregnancy right over me, but never directly to me. It was weird and pretty upsetting. In fact, she never actually told me she was pregnant, just waited for it to be obvious. I do understand it might have felt awkward when she knew about my situation but I can’t forgive her for saying nothing at all.

AIBU to opt out of celebrating her joy when she had zero care for my tragedy?

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 10/07/2019 21:48

YANBU signing a card for a colleague is not obligatory anyhow, regardless of any back story.

Tell your colleagues you will not be signing and won’t be discussing it further because it upsets you.

So sorry for your losses Flowers

crispysausagerolls · 10/07/2019 21:50

YANBU.

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your losses.

Shouldbedoing · 10/07/2019 21:50

Sounds reasonable to me. I always declined to sign and cough up for people in other departments I hadn't actally met. Why wish someone well who didn't wish you well.
I am so sorry to hear of the sad loss of your babies. You're amazing to even be at work Flowers

Greeborising · 10/07/2019 21:50

Really very sorry for the loss of your baby. You must behave in the way you feel appropriate.
Personally, I would just sign her card. Be the bigger person.
It’s not tit for tat

MohairMenace · 10/07/2019 21:51

Don’t sign, and don’t discuss it any further, it’s nobody else’s business.

I’m so sorry for what you have been through Flowers

AntiHop · 10/07/2019 21:52

Yanbu Flowers

Esto · 10/07/2019 21:52

You've had two stillbirths and your son died at one week old? Christ. That's absolutely horrific. No one should deal with that! Do whatever the fuck you want. Feel however you want. YANBU. Flowers

Passtherioja · 10/07/2019 21:52

She probably didn't know what to say-some people do clam up but that's no excuse for not signing the card. I agree with the PP - just say your not signing and that you're not discussing it. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses xx

Kneehighinshit · 10/07/2019 21:52

I'm so sorry for your losses, you have absolutely every right to refuse signing the card. You're colleagues are being harsh, do you have a good friend network outside of work? If not rant away- we'll listen.

StripeySocks29 · 10/07/2019 21:53

I’m sorry for your losses.

I can’t believe your colleagues would say you’re harsh for not signing her card, even if she had been nice to you after your losses I’d 100% understand why you didn’t want to sign.

People often don’t know what to say when someone is bereaved and as she was expecting herself possibly thought she might upset you more by talking about it, so I wouldn’t assume she was being mean, just a bit awkward. But you still don’t have to sign her card.

MT2017 · 10/07/2019 21:53

You don't need to explain yourself.

But she sounds like the type who would bring him in to show everyone. Make sure you can vacate the office while she's there if you need to get away Flowers

Brittany2019 · 10/07/2019 21:54

Fuck. Her. Don't sign the card, and don't give it any more thought. I'm sorry for your loss. x

ScreamingValenta · 10/07/2019 21:55

YANBU. No one should be pressured into signing work cards - there might be all manner of reasons why they don't want to or simply feel it's inappropriate.

I'm sorry for your losses. Flowers

harriers · 10/07/2019 21:55

So sorry for your losses. YANBU. Thanks

Myheartbelongsto · 10/07/2019 21:56

I'm so sorry for your loss op xx
.
Your colleague is a cun*.

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 21:57

You've had two stillbirths and your son died at one week old? Christ. That's absolutely horrific. No one should deal with that! Do whatever the fuck you want. Feel however you want

This. I'm so bloody sorry for the hand you have been given in life. Fuck the card look after yourself Flowers

MarthasGinYard · 10/07/2019 21:58

You have had two still births at term and a ds pass at one week old 😔

I'm shocked anyone would even ask you to sign a congratulatory card.

AwfulThanks

Xyzzzzz · 10/07/2019 21:58

So sorry for your loses Flowers

Regardless of your reasons YANBU I don’t sign or put into people’s collections I don’t want to.

CloudPop · 10/07/2019 21:59

What Esto said : You've had two stillbirths and your son died at one week old? Christ. That's absolutely horrific. No one should deal with that! Do whatever the fuck you want. Feel however you want. YANBU. 

Luxplus · 10/07/2019 21:59

I'm so so sorry for your loss....

Ofc you are not obliged to sign any card. Surprised your colleagues are even asking you...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/07/2019 22:00

Flowers. I'm.so sorry for your losses.
YANBU. She sounds like a right insensitive bitch. Who the fuck does that rubs a pregnancy in the face of a women who has endured 3 losses.
A lot more compassion she'd be a fuckin narcissist.

Woofbloodywoof · 10/07/2019 22:00

YANBU
My heart goes out to you OP. To keep going, to go back to work, to keep your head up -
you need never apologise for anything ever.
It goes without saying how sorry I am for your loss. I hope something good and amazing is coming your way, tenfold.x

MonkeyTrap · 10/07/2019 22:01

I’m so sorry for your losses.

Do whatever you need to. Don’t allow anyone to pressure you to do anything else.

RainbowMum11 · 10/07/2019 22:03

You are completely reasonable.
Hopefully she'll never have to experience a loss like it, but there is absolutely no reason for her to be a butch about it.
So sorry for your losses xxxx

MayFayner · 10/07/2019 22:03

Do what you feel like. I am so sorry to hear of your losses. How profoundly unfair.

I am in awe of you for your strength Flowers