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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to sign the baby congratulations card

161 replies

ApricotSky · 10/07/2019 21:46

A work colleague has just given birth to her son and a card is going around the office. I have politely declined to sign it and my work colleagues are saying I’m being harsh.

The context is that a few months ago I lost my own son a week after he was born. My team members got me a card and flowers and all signed it - except her. (She was there when the card was going around and apparently just kept avoiding signing it/contributing). She is the only one who hasn’t made any reference to my loss since I returned to work - not even a mumbled ‘sorry for your sad news’ which even the office intern who I had only met once managed. I have had two previous stillborns and she said nothing then either.

Before she went on maternity leave she would talk loudly about her pregnancy right over me, but never directly to me. It was weird and pretty upsetting. In fact, she never actually told me she was pregnant, just waited for it to be obvious. I do understand it might have felt awkward when she knew about my situation but I can’t forgive her for saying nothing at all.

AIBU to opt out of celebrating her joy when she had zero care for my tragedy?

OP posts:
Original poster
ApricotSky · 10/07/2019 22:24

Thank you for the replies and I really do appreciate those of you who have said lovely things. Sometimes my grief blindsides me and it is genuinely hard for me to work out if I’m being unreasonable.

My son was actually born in September last year (sorry if ‘a few months ago’ was confusing) and I went back after 3 months because it got because it got a bit lonely sitting day after day with no baby to care for.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 10/07/2019 22:26

YANBU, take her lead and change the subject or by busy if asked about the CF's card again.

Do whatever you need to do to grieve and be with people who care about you whenever possible Flowers

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/07/2019 22:28

you have made yourself look petty now.

Oh ffs.

I couldn't be more on your side if I tried. Fuck her, the nasty cow. You're not harsh and you're not petty, and people that call you either are just...ugh. Beyond help.

TanyaChix · 10/07/2019 22:28

YANBU.

MirrorHope · 10/07/2019 22:29

Oh OP YANBU.

Last year a lady at work lost her baby and she came back to work pretty soon after. She did fall pregnant again. At our summer party she said everyone talked about her new baby (who was yet to be born) but no one mentioned her baby who was still born around 32 weeks. She said this to me because I said to her (I hadn't seen her as I worked remotely) I said to her that I was so sorry for her first baby's loss. She said she really appreciated me saying that because no one else would mention it. She said she often wished people would ask her or talk to her because she felt so empty even though she was carrying another baby.

I feel your colleague being pregnant maybe didn't know what to say to you. But you absolutely do not have to sign the card.

FlutterShite · 10/07/2019 22:31

I just can't get my head around how cruel life has been to you. I'm so sorry for the losses of your babies.

YANBU in the slightest.

Imupallnightto · 10/07/2019 22:32

Are we actually meant to feel sorry for CF who will have one less signature on a card she probably won't even read in detail? Please stop the world and let me off.

Saharafordessert · 10/07/2019 22:37

YANBU
So sorry for your loss x

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 22:37

This is heartbreaking to read. I’m so very sorry for your losses OP. You are one strong woman to even contemplate getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other each day, never mind being back at work Flowers

YANBU and as others have rightly said, sod the card. She absolutely could have acknowledged your loss but chose not to. Your colleagues shouldn’t need an explanation and should back off.

Lougle · 10/07/2019 22:37

Do you want to tell us about your babies? I don't want to pry, but I'd be very glad to hear about them if you'd like to. I know lots of people avoid talking about it, but I'm sure they were all just lovely, and you should be able to delight in them (if you want to, of course).

I don't think YABU, tbh. It's a choice to sign a card and you're choosing not to. It doesn't actually matter why.

Thump · 10/07/2019 22:39

My goodness. I'm good at making a display of signing card/putting money in but I hate them and usually fake the entire thing.

How are you still standing? Am I right or have you lost 3 term babies, one who lived for a week?

Italiangreyhound · 10/07/2019 22:39

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think the colleagues who are trying to pressure you into signing are in the wrong. I have no idea why this woman behaved in this way but you are 100% fine not to sign. In your situation I would tell your colleagues to leave you alone to your grief. Whether you sign or not is not relevant to her.

Having said all that, in your shoes I would just decline to discuss it, decline to engage on this.

I think it is a miracle you have made it back to work so soon. Thanks

saraclara · 10/07/2019 22:39

This is an AIBU, so I don't know why the few people who've expressed an opinion that maybe signing it would have been better, have been shot down. The question invites yes as well as no answers.

I'd have signed it. Sometimes being the better person is a good idea all round. Your losses have been tragic, OP. But it seems that not signing it has brought up more problems for you than signing it would have.

Drum2018 · 10/07/2019 22:40

So sorry for the loss of your babies. Having lost a baby I can't comprehend how the bitch colleague could be so unfeeling. My colleagues were fantastic throughout our loss. I'd feel exactly as you do and wouldn't bother signing the card. As for people thinking you are harsh, let them fuck right off.

Cuppa12345 · 10/07/2019 22:41

What Esto said!

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 22:42

Because sometimes @saraclara you just know when to see past the category and 🤐

damnson · 10/07/2019 22:43

Christ on a bike you've been throw the mill :(

Do what feels right here.

I'd personally sign it, but I have a very much "kill'em with kindness" outlook on life. The negativity ends up harming you not them

I'm so sorry for your losses

formerbabe · 10/07/2019 22:44

Don't sign it and don't give her any more thought.

Sorry for your losses Flowers

CloudRusting · 10/07/2019 22:45

I’m so sorry for your losses OP.

In my (all too first hand) experience a few people get really weird about baby loss and act like mentioning it or acknowledging makes it contagious or something? Like if they pretend it doesn’t exist it couldn’t possibly happen to them. She sounds like one of them.

formerbabe · 10/07/2019 22:46

Sometimes being the better person is a good idea all round

And sometimes it's better to tell someone to fuck off, literally and metaphorically.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/07/2019 22:46

Just to let you know, Teddy bear.
I've reported your disgraceful comment.

crispysausagerolls · 10/07/2019 22:47

Sometimes being the better person is a good idea all round

There is no “better person” scenario for the OP here. I am so angry that you and other people are mentioning things like “better person” and a PP “negativity”.

OP is the best fucking person there is because she is brave enough to get up every day and go to work having lost three babies. This shit shouldn’t even be on her radar and anyone making it on her radar needs to fuck off.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 10/07/2019 22:51

So very, very sad for your losses, OP. You must have such incredible pain. F* the card and those telling you to sign it. Flowers

Yutes · 10/07/2019 22:56

OP YANBU
departmental things are, or should be, optional

I think you scare her OP. People don’t like talking about lost babies. It reminds them that life is cruel and it can happen to anyone. But it’s happened to you and it’s awful. Thinking of you and your angels

IveNotSlept · 10/07/2019 22:56

She might have avoided you and signing as it’s a scary thought when you are pregnant. My mil lost a baby at 1 week old and wanted to tell me all about it in great detail when she found out I was pregnant with our first child, I didn’t want to hear about it and told her that. Any other time yes, but when I’m pregnant, nope.

Your work colleague will have been feeling awkward being pregnant with what has happened so she’s just avoided you to try to make things easier for you. I’d still sign it and congratulate her, I doubt she was trying to be nasty not signing your card.