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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to sign the baby congratulations card

161 replies

ApricotSky · 10/07/2019 21:46

A work colleague has just given birth to her son and a card is going around the office. I have politely declined to sign it and my work colleagues are saying I’m being harsh.

The context is that a few months ago I lost my own son a week after he was born. My team members got me a card and flowers and all signed it - except her. (She was there when the card was going around and apparently just kept avoiding signing it/contributing). She is the only one who hasn’t made any reference to my loss since I returned to work - not even a mumbled ‘sorry for your sad news’ which even the office intern who I had only met once managed. I have had two previous stillborns and she said nothing then either.

Before she went on maternity leave she would talk loudly about her pregnancy right over me, but never directly to me. It was weird and pretty upsetting. In fact, she never actually told me she was pregnant, just waited for it to be obvious. I do understand it might have felt awkward when she knew about my situation but I can’t forgive her for saying nothing at all.

AIBU to opt out of celebrating her joy when she had zero care for my tragedy?

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/07/2019 23:23

I’m not sure why she’s being so revered just for having experienced loss like many, many other people have plenty of people go through awful shit every day but still manage to be the bigger person

Actually, to have buried three of your children in this country at this time is a rare thing. We aren't revering her, we are showing compassion and empathy for something that we can barely imagine. It took me 12 years to reach the stage where I can say my baby's name without crying, it is a horrific loss and that was just once.
Of course, some people use their own suffering as a reason to never feel any compassion for others, but I prefer to use mine to understand and hopefully occasionally to help. This is a comparatively recent loss and that first year can be crushing. Expecting someone to be able to rise about this kind of treatment without the numbing benefit of time is simply too much. If she had been able to do it without pressure, then fine, good for her, but she can't and that's fine too.

RyvitaBrevis · 10/07/2019 23:23

YANBU. I'm so sorry Flowers. Your colleague was cruel for not signing the card and you are under no obligation to do anything.

Not for the OP but for everyone else, can I raise the issue that you can mess up out of nothing but good intentions? I badly messed up by not saying anything about a colleague's miscarriage and I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I have been through difficult things myself and I find the only way I can cope at work is by not talking about it and everyone just getting on with their work and acting like everything is business as usual. A card is nice but I don't want anyone to bring it up in person. I don't want to cry at work and I don't want to talk about it. So I was treating my colleague the way I would like to be treated myself, by signing the card and then not saying anything directly. My colleague who had a miscarriage did not feel the same way and was hurt. Obviously I learned my lesson.

Clearly the OP is very much not like me and would appreciate it if people do share condolences in person but everyone is different and it's hard to know what the right thing to do is in a work environment.

It really helps if someone at work who is close the grieving person can spread the word that they do or don't want condolences to be shared, whether they want everyone to know if the information is not public, etc.

Ginger1982 · 10/07/2019 23:24

@Teddybear45 I don't know why you bothered posting that load of tosh.

Tallgreenbottle · 10/07/2019 23:26

In your situation OP I would hate her, but also in her situation I would hate to be heavily pregnant and reminded that babies do in fact die. And tbh I would've been so hormonal when pregnant I would've told anyone that handed me your condolances card to fuck the fuck off to fuck and back again. Who thinks it's appropriate to ask a pregnant woman to sign a card for that? I'm not quite sure. But equally I wouldn't ask you to sign hers either OP. You live your life and she lives hers.

Yanbu. But neither was she 🤷

Ginger1982 · 10/07/2019 23:28

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet @RLOU30 I think (hope) @WomanLikeMeLM was being sarcastic.

Greenmarmalade · 10/07/2019 23:29

Tallgreenbottle

Not sure you can blame hormones, when you seem to think this is a rational response. It's absolutely not acceptable.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/07/2019 23:30

Ooops, sorry for missing the sarcasm. Will wear glasses to better spot smiley thingummys next time!

dothewalkoflife · 10/07/2019 23:30

Esto's message earlier in the thread just summed it up so well.

I am so sorry about the deaths of your babies. It sounds like an amount of pain which most of us cannot even conceive. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Don't give the card a second thought.

Teddybear45 · 10/07/2019 23:31

I posted it because I had suffered countless problems conceiving and early miscarriages, and had so many thoughtless comments and pregnant women not wanting to ‘jinx’ themselves by associating with me. I know what it feels like to want to one up someone who has hurt you like that, but I wouldn’t have given a reason for not signing the card. I would have (and have!) just said no and handed the card on to the next person. By giving a reason people who have no idea how difficult OP has had it have judged her and she has seemed petty.

Ginger1982 · 10/07/2019 23:32

@Tallgreenbottle that's bollocks. So you wouldn't sign a card for a mother who has lost her child just because you were pregnant? You would tell someone to fuck off instead? I can understand it might strike close to home in that situation but being pregnant doesn't give you licence to a dick because of 'hormones.'

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 23:32

And tbh I would've been so hormonal when pregnant I would've told anyone that handed me your condolances card to fuck the fuck off to fuck and back again

Really ? Over something that hasn't happened to you. You wouldn't sign the card of a colleague who actually HAS lost her child. Three of her children? To fuck off to the far side of?? Ok.

Ginger1982 · 10/07/2019 23:33

Licence to 'be' a dick obviously!

Motheroffourdragons · 10/07/2019 23:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

MissEliza · 10/07/2019 23:49

I've been heavily pregnant and had a friend who sadly lost a baby at a few days old. People tried to hide that from me but that really angered me. The world doesn't revolve around you because you're expecting a baby. Other people have feelings too: YANBU to ignore the card and feel free to tell her why.
I'm sorry for your loss Op x

saraclara · 10/07/2019 23:50

I'm obviously going to get flamed, but when I was going through bereavement, I made some fairly poor decisions. I dwell on some of them even now. It was understandable that I wasn't thinking straight of course, but I do wish that some of my friends had gently said "you know sara, I'm not sure that that's a good idea? Maybe think about how this might be better". Letting me make all those mistakes wasn't actually the best thing for me or the people I upset. My friends were trying to be kind, but they could have been kind in a better way, to be honest.

I think those who've questioned the OP's decision are maybe being more help than those who've said 'of course you can do whatever you like because you've suffered so badly'.

Candymay · 10/07/2019 23:51

I am truly sorry for your losses. You have been through unspeakable tragedy. I’m surprised you are able to work- you must be grief stricken. Don’t even worry about the card. It doesn’t matter what your colleagues think. You don’t need to explain it at all. Keep strong and I hope good things you deserve will happen for you very soon.

Chocmallows · 10/07/2019 23:52

OP please ignore the posters making brash comments as they may not be aware of the pain of loss or a bit dim

Hope you're ok and, if not, be not ok with trusted people around you who have your best interest in mind.

Yinyen · 10/07/2019 23:57

You are not even in the slightest bit unreasonable, even if she had been lovely to you it would be absolutely reasonable not to sign her card. But given that she is either social incompetent (in whixh case she shouldn't care) or a bitch (in which case fuck her) Yanbu.

MrsMiggins37 · 10/07/2019 23:59

YANBU

I’m so sorry to hear about your beautiful babies xx

NCforanonymity · 10/07/2019 23:59

WomanLikeMeLM and Partyallday you are truly vile people. Try and have a bit of empathy and compassion. OP what you have been through is truly horrific, no words can even begin to describe it. You should do or not do exactly what feels right to you.

I had years of infertility and lost 2 babies at 8 weeks, nothing in comparison to what you’ve been through, and I had a pregnant colleague go on and on about her pregnancy even though she knew about my problems. I have never felt hate or pain like it, it was the worst months of my life.

I hope you will have a happy ending OP. Millions of Flowers for you.

RLOU30 · 11/07/2019 00:01

@saraclara

I think those who've questioned the OP's decision are maybe being more help than those who've said 'of course you can do whatever you like because you've suffered so badly'.

It's about signing a card not robbing a bloody bank. Honestly all of that was just nonsensical.

MrsMiggins37 · 11/07/2019 00:05

I’m not sure why she’s being so revered just for having experienced loss like many, many other people have

Let’s get this straight. You not only thought this in your head, but saw fit to put it down in writing, where the OP is likely to read it?!

Sheesh.

crispysausagerolls · 11/07/2019 06:19

Oh the irony of the people posting about OP “being a better person” whilst being arseholes themselves.

cantfindname · 11/07/2019 07:04

So sorry for your losses Flowers

It is possible that when you lost your last baby she knew she was pregnant and what happened to you terrified her. No excuse for not signing your card but who knows what was going through her mind.

In your situation I would sign the card, if nothing else it will show that you are a hell of a lot more empathetic and polite than she is. Might tweak her conscience a bit.

But if you don't want to, then that is fair enough and there is no way you should be made to feel bad or awkward about it.

I genuinely hope life improves for you and you soon have your own beautiful baby to focus on and help heal some of the pain you must be feeling. An un-mumsnetty hug to you x

herculepoirot2 · 11/07/2019 07:16

Sorry for your losses. Obviously you don’t need to sign if you don’t want to. But it might be worth considering that she may have had other pregnancies with similar outcomes to your own and that might have prevented her signing the card because it might have brought back things she didn’t want to think about. Just a thought.