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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to sign the baby congratulations card

161 replies

ApricotSky · 10/07/2019 21:46

A work colleague has just given birth to her son and a card is going around the office. I have politely declined to sign it and my work colleagues are saying I’m being harsh.

The context is that a few months ago I lost my own son a week after he was born. My team members got me a card and flowers and all signed it - except her. (She was there when the card was going around and apparently just kept avoiding signing it/contributing). She is the only one who hasn’t made any reference to my loss since I returned to work - not even a mumbled ‘sorry for your sad news’ which even the office intern who I had only met once managed. I have had two previous stillborns and she said nothing then either.

Before she went on maternity leave she would talk loudly about her pregnancy right over me, but never directly to me. It was weird and pretty upsetting. In fact, she never actually told me she was pregnant, just waited for it to be obvious. I do understand it might have felt awkward when she knew about my situation but I can’t forgive her for saying nothing at all.

AIBU to opt out of celebrating her joy when she had zero care for my tragedy?

OP posts:
Zooink · 10/07/2019 22:57

I'd have signed it. Sometimes being the better person is a good idea all round. Your losses have been tragic, OP. But it seems that not signing it has brought up more problems for you than signing it would have
I agree with this. I’m so sorry for your losses but personally I think I’d have signed it.

Zooink · 10/07/2019 22:57

Maybe she didn’t want to sign your card because she’d experienced losses and was trying to avoid the subject?

StroppyWoman · 10/07/2019 22:57

Oh love, you poor thing. What a tragedy.
I am so sorry for your loss.
YANBU and stepping back from this is perfectly understandable.

Happymum12345 · 10/07/2019 22:59

I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in after losing three precious babies.
I would sign the card and show her how to behave as a decent, kind person you clearly are, as you wouldn’t have asked aibu.

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 23:00

Maybe she didn’t want to sign your card because she’d experienced losses and was trying to avoid the subject

So...erm, your advice is?

Zooink · 10/07/2019 23:01

My view was in the previous post above saying I’d have signed it...@RLOU30 Confused

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 23:03

I can’t believe some posters are saying OP should have signed the card “to be the better person”. This isn’t about being a better person, it’s about the OP’s horrendous losses, her horrendous heartbreak, her feelings about this and about the fact that her colleague didn’t even acknowledge any of this.

IveNotSlept that’s a different scenario. To not acknowledge someone’s loss is unspeakably cruel.

ChristmasArmadillo · 10/07/2019 23:04

I feel YANBU. I know it doesn’t make me the better person, whatever that may be, but when an acquaintance who made a really hurtful remark when I lost my son eventually miscarried a baby of her own, I wasn’t interested in anything to do with it (meals, card etc). I’d have done the same as you.

mumofthemonsters808 · 10/07/2019 23:06

Considering the circumstances, I think anybody in their right mind would understand why you wouldn't sign the card. I saw the title of the thread and was going to wade in and say something like be the bigger person, but when I read your story! I realised the inappropriateness of this, stand your ground with your colleagues they should be more sensitive and aware of how traumatic these months have been for you.They should recognise that you are grieving and trying to heal, don't let this set you back, tell them to F off, it will be therapeutic.

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 23:07

@Zooink

You've clearly missed my point.

DishingOutDone · 10/07/2019 23:08

As Crispy said earlier:

OP is the best fucking person there is because she is brave enough to get up every day and go to work having lost three babies. This shit shouldn’t even be on her radar and anyone making it on her radar needs to fuck off

I think I'll just keep pasting that in everytime someone posts about the other woman feeling a bit awkward Hmm

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/07/2019 23:10

My experience was that pregnant women really hate being reminded that sometimes babies die. This is natural, but it also makes people feel uneasy. So they make up another reason to dislike the woman who has lost her baby- that she is lazy, or a bad mother to her existing children, or did something to harm the baby. It's easier to dislike someone if you have convinced yourself that they deserve their misfortune. Of course, some people will always have a think and show some compassion, but not everyone bothers.
It sounds like the OP's colleague may resent her for making her feel uncomfortable, but lacks the insight to keep her resentment to herself.

BeardieWeirdies · 10/07/2019 23:11

I'm in tears reading your posts, OP. Nobody should have to go through what you've experienced and I hope that you have a supportive partner/, husband, family and friends to help keep your head above water. Fuck your colleagues.

HerRoyalNotness · 10/07/2019 23:12

OP you can be as ‘petty’ as you like for the rest of your life after what you have been through (even though I don’t think you’re petty at all). I’m sorry for your lost children, you’re a stronger person than I.

WomanLikeMeLM · 10/07/2019 23:13

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DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/07/2019 23:14

To clarify, I wasn't saying the OP was BU, just trying to understand why the colleague is so awful to her. And I'd like to repeat how much I admire her strength and would totally support her telling anyone who is critical of her to FRO.

ahumanfemale · 10/07/2019 23:15

If I was in your office I'd let you know on the side, quietly, that there was a card if you were interested in signing, purely not to leave you out, but then never mentioned it again. I wouldn't have expected you to sign it, but I would not have wanted you to feel like you were excluded because of your losses either.

YADDDDNBU (or petty!)

Thanks I'm sorry you've had to bear such awful pain. It is beyond being unfair. Don't give a silly card a second thought. x

Partyallday · 10/07/2019 23:16

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DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/07/2019 23:16

Oh for goodness sake be the bigger person op
Why? Genuinely, why should she? When every drop of energy she has is used up in getting through the day, why should she waste any of it on a woman who has been so unfeeling to her?

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 23:17

Oh for goodness sake be the bigger person op hmm

Are you kidding me ? How very vile.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 10/07/2019 23:18

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your losses, it sounds so horrific and I can't imagine your pain. Do whatever you need to do, I don't even care whether YABU or not, you just need to take care of yourself fuck attempting to be happy for anyone else at the moment! FlowersWineCake

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2019 23:18

I’m so sorry for your losses op. I’d like to hear about your babies if you feel like telling us. I think you are amazing for turning up at work, and can’t believe people might think you are unreasonable.

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 10/07/2019 23:20

"Harsh"? They don't know the meaning. Try spending a day in your shoes and even then they'll only have the merest inkling of what harsh feels like.

To the PP who called the OP "petty" - FFS!!

Flowers for you and your 3 angels, OP.

WildIrishRose1 · 10/07/2019 23:22

YANBU and I'm gobsmacked at the insensitivity of your colleagues for wanting you to sign the card. As for the colleague in question, she must be without empathy. I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies.💐

ChristmasArmadillo · 10/07/2019 23:23

Party are you serious? Have you experienced stillbirth or infant loss? I lost one son and barely made it out the other side of that grief. Three would’ve broken me, I can state that unequivocally. OP is incredibly brave and strong.