Not to sign the baby congratulations card

[ApricotSky]

A work colleague has just given birth to her son and a card is going around the office. I have politely declined to sign it and my work colleagues are saying I’m being harsh.

The context is that a few months ago I lost my own son a week after he was born. My team members got me a card and flowers and all signed it - except her. (She was there when the card was going around and apparently just kept avoiding signing it/contributing). She is the only one who hasn’t made any reference to my loss since I returned to work - not even a mumbled ‘sorry for your sad news’ which even the office intern who I had only met once managed. I have had two previous stillborns and she said nothing then either.

Before she went on maternity leave she would talk loudly about her pregnancy right over me, but never directly to me. It was weird and pretty upsetting. In fact, she never actually told me she was pregnant, just waited for it to be obvious. I do understand it might have felt awkward when she knew about my situation but I can’t forgive her for saying nothing at all.

AIBU to opt out of celebrating her joy when she had zero care for my tragedy?

Signing a card isn’t mandatory: she didn’t have to sign yours and you don’t have to sign hers. Telling everyone the real reason behind it is the reason why people have called you out - you had no reason to other than try to make her out to be in the wrong. What you’ve gone through is unimaginably tragic and I can understand why you wanted to do tit for tat, but you have made yourself look petty now.

Oh and your work xollegies are no further behind her either, tbh.
How dare they call you harsh.
Did they call her harsh for not signing your card or for bleating on about her pregnancy in full ear shot of you.
I'm so on your behalf.

I can't stop thinking of you. I hope something good and amazing is coming your way too. In fact I hope every day something amazing happens to you. Forever :(

Weird that your colleagues would actually tell you she avoided signing and contributing to the card/gift. Weren't you upset enough?

God that's so weird! Her behaviour, I mean.

I'm so sorry for your horrific losses, OP.

Do you think (and I'm desperately trying to understand her behaviour here) she has had pregnancy losses before and your own circumstances were somehow triggering??

Presumably she went on maternity leave about the same time you had your DS

It's incredibly insensitive

I think your colleagues should be more thoughtful as presumably you've only just gone back to work.

Signing congratulations after what you are going through.

They should know better.

but you have made yourself look petty now

Whoever thinks OP is being petty must need their head examining. I would struggle to ask OP to sign a congratulations card let alone judge her for not !

Gosh I am so sorry for you @ApricotSky

And YANBU at all to not want to sign.

Love and peace and blessings to you sweetie. ❤️

'Weird that your colleagues would actually tell you she avoided signing and contributing to the card/gift. Weren't you upset enough?'

This is awful

Knowing your situation, if I was your colleague, I wouldnt even ask because it would feel insensitive. If you knew about it and chose to do it then that would entirely your choice.

No one should be questioning you about not signing the card.

I'm surprised that you haven't taken full maternity leave yourself Op.

Firstly I am so sorry for losses of your babies. That is so sad and heartbreaking.
Your colleague sounds awful but honestly in your shoes I would probably just sign the card with your name and no message. It’s only you that will be affected otherwise.

Yanbu and are definitely not petty!

Can't believe your colleagues would say that to you or that they'd tell you she avoided signing. Bizarre, insensitive behaviour from them!

Oh btw I also think your colleagues in the office are possibly worse that her for pressing you to sign the card and not accepting a no. That is rude and insensitive.

Fuck her seriously

Teddybear45. Ever heard the phrase about kicking someone when they’re down? If you don’t have anything useful to contribute then keep quiet.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your grief.
I think the other lady probably had no idea how to behave around you, and got it all wrong. I'd hate to think someone would behave in this way intentionally.
That said, yanbu
😘

I'm so sorry for your losses. That's awful. Tbh I'm shocked your colleagues even asked you to sign, let alone pressured you about it. YANBU. Do whatever you need to

so sorry for your losses ApricotSky.
Sod the card. Do what ever you feel like. Its not up to anyone else to comment on what you do or don't do. None of their business and Its more honest anyway.

I think that you are amazing to still be able to go to work every day. Whatever you need to do to survive having to work with this awful woman is fine- you certainly don't owe her congratulations. I have "only" had one stillbirth and some miscarriages, so I'm not saying I know how you feel, but I have some understanding of how difficult it is, and I know how breathtakingly cruel people can be.
I'm so sorry for all that you have been through.

YANBU. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. Your colleagues are a disgrace. Hope you are getting lots of support elsewhere

Is there some other history between the two of you? Because her behaviour sounds out-of-the-ordinary unpleasant and personal: there's feeling awkward about another's bereavement and there's being too special/sensitive/'busy' to even scribble 'best wishes' in a card that the poor miserable colleague probably won't even read.

YANBU to feel the way you feel, particularly if your grief is still raw and recent. Your colleagues should have the sense to STFU and leave you alone.