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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to sign the baby congratulations card

161 replies

ApricotSky · 10/07/2019 21:46

A work colleague has just given birth to her son and a card is going around the office. I have politely declined to sign it and my work colleagues are saying I’m being harsh.

The context is that a few months ago I lost my own son a week after he was born. My team members got me a card and flowers and all signed it - except her. (She was there when the card was going around and apparently just kept avoiding signing it/contributing). She is the only one who hasn’t made any reference to my loss since I returned to work - not even a mumbled ‘sorry for your sad news’ which even the office intern who I had only met once managed. I have had two previous stillborns and she said nothing then either.

Before she went on maternity leave she would talk loudly about her pregnancy right over me, but never directly to me. It was weird and pretty upsetting. In fact, she never actually told me she was pregnant, just waited for it to be obvious. I do understand it might have felt awkward when she knew about my situation but I can’t forgive her for saying nothing at all.

AIBU to opt out of celebrating her joy when she had zero care for my tragedy?

OP posts:
origamiunicorn · 11/07/2019 07:23

she sounds like the type who would bring him in to show everyone. Make sure you can vacate the office while she's there if you need to get away

I just realised one of the benefits of my new job, no children or babies allowed. 😎 Nothing worse than trying to do your job around wailing babies.

Esto · 11/07/2019 07:46

she sounds like the type who would bring him in to show everyone. Make sure you can vacate the office while she's there if you need to get away

Whilst I agree to keep away when she comes in with him, I'm not sure bringing him in makes her a bad person or should be sneered at. It's 100% normal, expected and welcomed at my work and everywhere I've worked. As long as no one makes a fuss if the OP absents herself and isn't expected to hold or fuss over him.

NauseousMum · 11/07/2019 08:34

So so sorry for your losses OP.

YANBU. She ignored 3 losses that you had. 3 babies ignored. Fuck her. Even an email 'sorry for your loss' is easily achieved if it cant be said verbally or a card signed.

What is this bigger person bollocks? Why does anyone have to appear bigger and better? That sounds petty and passive aggressive. And how would OP be bigger or better for signing when her coworker wouldn't? The coworker won't give a shiny shit. They aren't friends. If (in her mind) coworker doesn't owe OP acknowledgement then OP sure as shit doesn't owe her. It's not courteous, or bigger or better to treat people who treat you shitty well. It often makes you a mug and doormat, unassertive.

There's so bloody many posts of people taken for granted or upset by arseholes and CF, if this 'bigger person' bollocks wasn't touted as a way to make the hurt/taken advantage of person be passive and/or forgiving then perhaps they'd be less shittyness as the arseholes would learn.

Pinktinker · 11/07/2019 08:37

YANBU, fuck her. I’m so very sorry for your losses Flowers.

Lollypolly90 · 11/07/2019 08:38

she sounds like the type who would bring him in to show everyone
God what a bitch for having a newborn baby when the OP doesn’t. How very dare she!!

Should the OP’s colleague should just avoid ever showing the baby or talking about the baby just to spare the OP’s feelings?

So many people go through bad things but can still be happy for others who haven’t.

OP, YANBU to not sign the card but also she WNU to have not signed yours. Now just put the whole thing to bed and try not to worry about the whole card thing and try not to be bitter about how she didn’t sign yours

Liverbird77 · 11/07/2019 08:44

You must absolutely do what you think is right. I am really sorry for your losses.
I was just thinking though, signing the card might have the greatest impact. You'll look like the bigger person to your colleagues and she'll feel like shit when she sees you have much more class than her.

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/07/2019 08:47

I actually think it’s unreasonable of your colleagues to push it. You shouldn’t need to justify why you don’t wish to sign it, regardless to the back story.

So sorry for your losses Flowers

Justthetwothankyou · 11/07/2019 08:47

I'm with you OP, my DM had 3 stillbirths before I came along and it was absolutely horrific for her.
Don't dwell on other ppls arsehole attitude though, don't sign it and try to forget about her. Even if she has had similar experience then she should be all the more understanding rather than ignorant towards you.
As for the bringing the baby into work... arghhhh! I was bullied into doing this with my first, he was premature and when he came home I just wanted privacy to get over the drama but work kept on and on and I stupidly conceded...I'd been made to look a grump for my attitude FFS! I wish I worked in a no bringing in new babies work place!

Hollyhiggins · 11/07/2019 08:48

I agree with PP that maybe she didn’t want to sign yours when she was pregnant because of a fear of ‘jinxing’ things.
Also maybe she’d previously experienced losses and was trying to avoid the subject especially while she was pregnant herself. In that case, was she just protecting herself just as you’re being advised to do, OP?

Readytogogogo · 11/07/2019 08:50

I clicked on this thread thinking it would probably be about something petty. I am so sorry for your losses. She deserves nothing from you and anyone who judges you is a massive knob. Flowers

Snowy81 · 11/07/2019 08:56

When I read you title I was going to say you are unreasonable, then I read your story. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I’m sorry for your losses. You are not being unreasonable at all. Flowers

EleanorReally · 11/07/2019 08:57

You'll look like the bigger person to your colleagues and she'll feel like shit when she sees you have much more class than her.

but why would you want her to feel like shit?

i imagine it was a jinx thing for her for her reason not signing it.
do what you feel best op.

Ghanagirl · 11/07/2019 09:01

@ApricotSky
I’m sorry for your loss are you having any counselling?
*
I'm shocked anyone would even ask you to sign a congratulatory card.
And this^^

MrsMiggins37 · 11/07/2019 09:04

She sounds so self absorbed any way she won’t even notice if you signed it or not

VirginiaWolfHall · 11/07/2019 09:07

I expect the op would quite rightly want to stick two fingers up at her snowflake colleague not wanting to jinx things when she’s going through the nightmare herself. There’s a time and a place for superstition but who on earth could be so selfish and small-minded not to sign a condolence card. Op you have my absolute condolences for the loss of all three of your precious babies Flowers Flowers Flowers

User8888888 · 11/07/2019 09:17

You have been incredibly unlucky and I’m amazed your still standing. I wouldn’t be sending any baby congratulations cards your way and I think your colleagues are wrong to be pushing you on this one, especially as the lady in question hasn’t been kind to you.

Hollyhiggins · 11/07/2019 09:20

two fingers up at her snowflake colleague not wanting to jinx things
Maybe the colleague experienced losses previously and that’s why she was so detached?

Bluebelltulip · 11/07/2019 09:25

I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine what it's like to go through this 3 times, I lost my daughter in January and that's hard enough. I don't think I would want to sign the card either, not necessarily because she didn't sign yours but the lack of acknowledgment since. I also think it's bad that your colleagues have been pestering you to do it.

My cousin was pregnant when my daughter died and I haven't heard anything from her since at all. I can appreciate that she won't want to think about it happening to her but I am hurt about the lack of any support. I know she is due around now and I go from thinking that I will send her something to thinking why should I.

I hope all of your colleagues will be more sensitive in future and just accept no as an answer if you don't want to sign something.

Janel85 · 11/07/2019 09:29

YANBU so sorry for your losses.

Janel85 · 11/07/2019 09:29

And your colleagues sound like horrible people for calling you harsh.

bobstersmum · 11/07/2019 09:37

So sorry for your losses op, anyone in rl or on this thread spouting bigger person bollocks can go fuck themselves.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/07/2019 09:43

If your colleagues keep pushing, tell them ‘If you insist on me writing something in this card, I will. I will write exactly how I feel about X. I’m sure we can all agree that, given my view of her, it would be better if I didn’t sign the card at all’.

Howyiz · 11/07/2019 09:48

Take all the emotion out of it.
It is your birthday and a card and collection is organised. Your colleague doesn't want to contribute or sign the card.
When it is that colleagues birthday you are just as entitled to not sign or contribute.
Op, your colleague set that precedent.
For those saying she was pregnant and she understably wanted to avoid it? The OP's child passed away in September. The colleague would barely be aware if she was pregnant at that point l, so she wasn't heavily pregnant or anything like it.

LoveMyNewHome · 11/07/2019 10:55

To quote a PP on page 1. This:

You've had two stillbirths and your son died at one week old? Christ. That's absolutely horrific. No one should deal with that! Do whatever the fuck you want. Feel however you want. YANBU.

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2019 13:48

I’m not sure the colleagues were totally out of order to ask the op if she’d like to sign the card. When she said no, they should have just left it.

Op it’s your decision. There’s not a right or wrong answer. I’d have just signed it with my name and nothing else to make life easy but you’re not out of order to say no.

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