To say no to this request for money?

[FrequentFlyer96]

The backstory would take forever to type out so I will try to condense it. Sibling with mental health issues combined with a difficult and aggressive personality. Unable to manage life, money etc. Long term claimant of benefits and not at all motivated to find work. Very complex, lots of issues, all very sad. Sibling sees me, ‘responsible’ full time employed sister, as a safety net when it comes to finances. I live overseas halfway around the world (largely to escape difficult family, including this person).
I have lost track of how many requests for money I have given into over the years. Must run into several thousands of pounds.

Most recently I received a call at work and was asked for over £500 to pay a bailiff - for outstanding TV license fees - or sibling would be arrested due to breach of court repayment agreement. Sibling’s distressed child in background whilst bailiff was standing there threatening to take his computer away, so I felt I had no option but to pay.

Anyway, the immediate matter in hand - this evening a request from my sibling for money for my nephew’s end of year prom. No idea if this is true (history of lying about the reasons for asking for money).

The issue is, I do have the money. I could easily afford to send it. I don’t want my nephew to miss out on his prom. I know sibling doesn’t realistically have anyone else to ask. But how does this become my responsibility?! Every time I hand over money I say never again but then another request - just like this one - comes along and I’m back to the beginning.

I know that if I say no, sibling will use her kids as emotional blackmail - will threaten to cut off contact etc. I could happily never see this sibling again but I love her kids. I also know if I say no I’m going to get a whole heap of abuse (usually by email).

But I have had a lifetime of this, no end in sight. I have developed my own mental health issues related to family and every time this happens it is very triggering, which also makes me think I’m reacting disproportionately. Not sure if I’m just reacting emotively.

AIBU to say no to this request for money and block my sibling’s email? (She would never have credit to telephone me so email is her only way to communicate).

Thanks for reading this far if you made it to the end!

Yanbu at all. If need be you can contact nephew directly at this point, surely?

Suggest she maybe starts a savings account for all these rainy days that seem to crop up. Agree to help out but this one last time. In a month or 2 ask how the savings account is going? Keep at her. Hopefully she takes the hint. She needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet at some point! x

I would contact the nephew, ask for bank details of where to pay directly for the prom and then email the sibling that this was the last time and you are blocking them.
While I would also email the kids and explained that you love them a lot, but you can't keep in contact with their parent because it is making you ill but you want to keep in contact with them and not lose them.

Speak to your nephew and offer to pay as his birthday present?

Sounds like my mum and her brother. It only gets worse as they get older and in ill health.

It sounds like your nephew is now old enough that of you end up cutting the connection with her, you can establish your own connection with him. Not to give money (she'll just pressure via him) but to be a sounding board or if necessary emergency plan b / escape hatch. Sadly for us, our cousins have been brought up in such a challenging environment (despite endless support and money from other siblings) that they have come out with a lot of issues of their own and in most cases, the same entitlement as their parents, the two that are different end up caring for the rest, so it's not easy to help

No perfect answer but a lot of sympathy.

If you can contact your nephews / nieces directly I would cut contact. If you don’t stop paying out she will continue use you as a bank / safety net.

And if you can (and want to) save a little for their future? Especially as it should help lesson any (unneeded) guilt you feel.

Yes, if nephew is old enough for a prom , he's probably on social media and you can contact him direct. You could tell him you'll pay the school direct , if necessary. And if you want to.

Start to say no,however much you give will never be enough.
keep in touch with the children on social media or even old fashioned letters.

Nephew is only 11 - it’s an end of primary school prom (who knew such things existed?!). My contact with him is via sibling as no landline phone (cut off) so only her mobile or email.

I would love to say that I’d agree to pay for ticket directly to school and send him a burtons gift voucher but actually I’d say no. It’s not your job to fill in for her.

If you want to help out the nephew do ask for details of which organisation to pay how etc. I'd say going nc with this woman would free you going forward.

11 year old prom. FUCK THAT. That’s a hard no.

If your nephew's old enough for a prom it's likely he has his own phone and social media, you could try contacting him directly.

I’d say buy him a device for him to contact you on - but would that be lost in a bailiff situation? And at 11 it probably needs your sister to agree.

I contact my dear god children directly now (both over 10)

Stop giving the sibling money. Do start putting some money aside to help your nieces and nephews directly as they transition to adulthood because they clearly can’t rely on parent. If you don’t need to use the funds for them, if will just be a nice savings you set aside.

Just tell her no! I doubt she will cut contact completely as there is no chance of money that way.
Are your parents still alive? Do they have a partner? Where is the child's other parent?

Depending on what your sibling has disclosed to your nephews school, there should be provision made for children who can’t afford to pay for prom. I don’t even think primary schools charge for them? (I could be wrong - I’m a secondary teacher)

I think you have to say no at some point - might as well make it this time.

How much is she asking for, for this prom? Could you call the school and verify e.g. “my son says I was supposed to pay for the prom and I haven’t had a letter how do I sort this?”

I would be tempted to pay, but where does it end? You’re not their dad!

I imagine the ‘Prom’ for an 11 year old is what would have just been called an end of year party back in my day!
He isn’t on social media. Mainly as they don’t have an internet connection at home (cut off due to non payment).

Id have to say no as she is making her crap money management your issue. Saying that i really sympathise as it sounds like an awful situation to be in...

Trying not to drip feed but some fair questions being raised.
Father’s of both children (nephew and niece) not around and never have been. Wouldn’t even know how to contact.
For my sibling and I, our father died earlier this year and mother lives in similar poverty to sibling.
I got so lucky with this family of mine.

Surely a primary school prom won't be very expensive? I would absolutely say no; and either speak (on her 'phone) or write a letter to child explaining what pp said above, that you love them but are unable to respond to their mother's relentless quest to get money from you.

My dd is 11 and is having a end of primary "prom". I'm afraid it is a thing.

Would be better all Round if it was simply a leavers disco. Girls are getting new dresses just for prom etc. Hideous. Dd said today she was wearing a dress she already had and a class mate said in horror "oh no - you must be poor". Poor dd dealing with arseholes like this already.

I digress.

OP YANBU. But it is a difficult situation. If you want to give ££ perhaps you could send £x per month. If you don't it's ok to say enough, no more, but it sounds like there will be fallout.

Also I think the money probably isn’t a charge from the school as much as the need to buy something half decent for him to wear. I can’t imagine it’s formal. But his worn out sports gear isn’t going to work.

This is if the prom story is true, of course.

Bullshit request for what's most likely a non event. Even if there was such a thing as a primary school prom it would cost fuck all - probably a few sandwiches at a disco in the school hall. Please stop enabling her lack of financial planning. She'll never bother to budget for anything if she knows you're in the background ready to bail her out. I'd send an email saying you cannot fund her any further and block her.