To say no to this request for money?

[FrequentFlyer96]

The backstory would take forever to type out so I will try to condense it. Sibling with mental health issues combined with a difficult and aggressive personality. Unable to manage life, money etc. Long term claimant of benefits and not at all motivated to find work. Very complex, lots of issues, all very sad. Sibling sees me, ‘responsible’ full time employed sister, as a safety net when it comes to finances. I live overseas halfway around the world (largely to escape difficult family, including this person).
I have lost track of how many requests for money I have given into over the years. Must run into several thousands of pounds.

Most recently I received a call at work and was asked for over £500 to pay a bailiff - for outstanding TV license fees - or sibling would be arrested due to breach of court repayment agreement. Sibling’s distressed child in background whilst bailiff was standing there threatening to take his computer away, so I felt I had no option but to pay.

Anyway, the immediate matter in hand - this evening a request from my sibling for money for my nephew’s end of year prom. No idea if this is true (history of lying about the reasons for asking for money).

The issue is, I do have the money. I could easily afford to send it. I don’t want my nephew to miss out on his prom. I know sibling doesn’t realistically have anyone else to ask. But how does this become my responsibility?! Every time I hand over money I say never again but then another request - just like this one - comes along and I’m back to the beginning.

I know that if I say no, sibling will use her kids as emotional blackmail - will threaten to cut off contact etc. I could happily never see this sibling again but I love her kids. I also know if I say no I’m going to get a whole heap of abuse (usually by email).

But I have had a lifetime of this, no end in sight. I have developed my own mental health issues related to family and every time this happens it is very triggering, which also makes me think I’m reacting disproportionately. Not sure if I’m just reacting emotively.

AIBU to say no to this request for money and block my sibling’s email? (She would never have credit to telephone me so email is her only way to communicate).

Thanks for reading this far if you made it to the end!

The thing is, your sister now feels that it's your responsibility to bail her out. And chances are she's raising her child(ren) to believe the same thing. If mum can't afford whatever chances are she tells them "Oh I'll just call Auntie Frequent, she should give us the money she can afford it". By giving in, you're abetting her in raising people who aren't self-sufficient and who will believe that both you and the world owes them.

Time to stop altogether, cold turkey. Or limit it to reasonable cash gifts for 'gift giving' occasions and if they don't learn to set some by for a rainy day, too bad.

The day may very well come when you need every penny you earn or you want to save up for something extravagant for yourself. The demands won't stop because of either of those.

Could you buy him an outfit from somewhere like Next and get it delivered?

Let me guess, she only ever contacts you when she wants something from you?

My dd is leaving primary and yr6. The prom thing will be real. If you decide to help out, I’d buy and send clothes. Do be aware the likelihood of your dn fitting into age 11-12 clothes is low. The children at dds school are very tall and most are in older teen sizes and some in adult clothes. So you’ll have to be guided by your sister.

It’s bullshit, either all proms have happened or they are certainly already paid for.

Contact the school and check out the details - heartbreaking story

What email? you didn't receive it 🤷🏻‍♀️ your WiFi/internet was down for some time

Grow some balls, just say no. Stop making excuses to give.

Oh dear. A request for money for the year 6 disco. I'm sorry frequent but it is actually funny. If you extract yourself you'll be posting this as an example of comedic excuses for money on other people's support threads one day.

The ticket will cost fuck all. If you really really want then phone the school to find out the cost and pay them direct. But as it costs fuck all, she could plan around the £10 or whatever somehow. Or borrow from a friend. Or have a word with the school / PTA about a subsidy/free ticket due to poverty.

As for clothes, well, where I live the children are forever borrowing stuff off each other or getting free hand-me-downs from friends' older siblings. I barely bought any clothes for my DD for about 7 years when two mates realised I'd happily take their random bags of big sister hand-me-downs.

Seriously, it is so ridiculous it is funny. I speak with the dark humour of someone who has escaped a mad family. Actually, I am expecting an insane request for a large wodge of cash soon myself. I will refuse. There will be wailing. I will not budge. I will eye roll and block contact for a while.

You are being played. Close off the money tap.

At some point you are going to have to say no. Next request will be uniform. Money for school trips and the like.

If you still want to help the kids out. Open a savings account and give them the money on a big birthday.

I think what I'd do is find the cheapest mobile package with enough gb of data and a cheapish phone and send it to your nephew.

Set up an email address for him etc. He'll be the only one at school without one next year. You say it's his end of primary present. And that you'll pay for it. That way you cut out the middle woman. And you improve his life a lot.

Ring school and pay or send cheque direct, if he needs clothes to wear ask him to look on line then pay website or similar so your dysfunctional sibling is not in receipt of any money, it’s ok to say no, or set limits for example say you will pay his ticket to the prom but not for clothes she should budget for that. Very tough one between helping sick relative and enabling made more complex because you can afford to help,

I agree with Superram. The prom will either be this weekend, and almost definantly been paid for now. Google the website/Facebook page of the school. The date will probably be on there.

Going to second the prom in primary being a real thing. Last one cost a fair bit in all honesty so don't think sibling is lying. Say no or give the money as a birthday?christmas gift to DN?

As you know yourself, having chaotic parents is bloody unpleasant.

You've got the chance to stop your family's generational rot in its tracks by becoming a support to your DN - for the first couple of years through his DM, then via an independent (and saner) relationship which could well be a lifeline to him.

Depends if you want to pay for it. Sounds cheap at the price to me.

This is not your responsibility at all. You owe her nothing.
You have a comfortable life that you have earned, despite your background.
She is hopeless; mental health issues, and unable to manage life.
She has children who have a statistical chance of following her example.
In your position I would be very frustrated with her 'choices'.

Unfortunately for her, she is trapped in who she is. Once in her situation it is practically impossible to get out. If she manages her money well it is just about enough to survive and the slightest thing that goes wrong. the slightest spend that is spent that hasn't been budgeted for, the slightest thing that breaks throws the budget into freefall. This happens once, twice and fuck it - why even try.

She may be feckless, she may be lazy, she may be anything - but she definitely hasn't been born with the strength of character to overcome the crap family that you have had the strength to escape.

I am definitely not saying that you should bail her our time after time after time. She cannot depend on you to solve all her problems but it is clear that you do really care for her to some extent but even more for her kids who are getting a crap start in life.

I really don't know what is best here because you cannot and should not take on her responsibilities.

I don't know what I would do in this situation. What I think I might like to do is decide for myself without telling her, a sum that I can afford to help her out with on an annual basis. Whether that is £50, £500 or £5000. Once that sum is reached then the help stops for that year.

If possible I would also like - or maybe as an alternative - set up a trust fund for each of her children. It doesn't need to be much each year but have this fund growing each year until they are 21, 25 getting married, or whatever trigger you decide.

I don't know if these suggestions are sensible or appeal in anyway but I feel you want to help without being taken for granted and I hope something on these lines may help

Contact the school. I work in a school office and in this case i’s Give the prom organisers your email so they could contact you directly and arrange direct payment. Same for leavers hoodies etc. Then cut contact- you are literally half a world away from their issues

I'm not sure about the bailiff story. People don't generally get arrested for debt.

How often do you see these children?

My dd is leaving primary and yr6. The prom thing will be real

You can’t know this!

Mine is leaving Y6 next week and there is no prom!

The OP says her sister has lied to her about things to get money.

God op this sounds awful for her child, she doesn't sound at all like a fit parent. I would honestly have to report her to social services. Would you consider doing that?

If you do decide yo help with the clothing (and I'm not saying you should - there's prod and cons to both options) then you may want to consider sending vouchers or clothing from a company that only sells children's clothing. I can see them bring sent back or used for something else otherwise.

Perhaps set bank / savings accounts up for the kids with you as the signing power / trustee. It may not solve the prom issue but will show the kids you wanted to help them but didnt trust your sibling to ensure the money went to the kids.

Withdraw the safety net now or accept that this is your life until your final days. Your niece and nephew will probably join the requests as you have facilitated their life on a regular basis. They probably budget with your begged money funds in mind. I don't want to sound mean, but for your own sake you need to say no now.

I don't think that continually bailing your sister out is really helping her. It just encourages her to depend on you, and creates a feeling that you somehow owe her your money. Saying no is going to cause an almighty fuss, but sooner or later it has to stop, so it might as well be now. At least distance will make it easier to block her.
I do feel for her kids, but that isn't a reason to carry on enabling her to be so feckless.

OP I understand that it's hard and that you are trying to do the right thing.

However, the fact you've posted already shows your unease about the current situation.

Your sisters financial circumstances cannot become your long term responsibility without causing a knock on effect on the next generation.

My advice would echo a pp's.

Stop giving money to your sister. If you want to help your nephew/niece then set up a savings account for them that their mother can't access. It may have to be in your name but you can advise the children that it's their money to spend responsibly.

If contact is an issue then get them cheap tablets as a present that you can use with Skype/WhatsApp.

Teach them fiscal responsibility as best as you can.

It sounds awful and tbh the easiest thing is to walk away or keep paying.

Either isn't going to change the dynamic, so you decide to live with the current set up or radically change it, because no one else will.