To say no to this request for money?

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The backstory would take forever to type out so I will try to condense it. Sibling with mental health issues combined with a difficult and aggressive personality. Unable to manage life, money etc. Long term claimant of benefits and not at all motivated to find work. Very complex, lots of issues, all very sad. Sibling sees me, ‘responsible’ full time employed sister, as a safety net when it comes to finances. I live overseas halfway around the world (largely to escape difficult family, including this person).
I have lost track of how many requests for money I have given into over the years. Must run into several thousands of pounds.

Most recently I received a call at work and was asked for over £500 to pay a bailiff - for outstanding TV license fees - or sibling would be arrested due to breach of court repayment agreement. Sibling’s distressed child in background whilst bailiff was standing there threatening to take his computer away, so I felt I had no option but to pay.

Anyway, the immediate matter in hand - this evening a request from my sibling for money for my nephew’s end of year prom. No idea if this is true (history of lying about the reasons for asking for money).

The issue is, I do have the money. I could easily afford to send it. I don’t want my nephew to miss out on his prom. I know sibling doesn’t realistically have anyone else to ask. But how does this become my responsibility?! Every time I hand over money I say never again but then another request - just like this one - comes along and I’m back to the beginning.

I know that if I say no, sibling will use her kids as emotional blackmail - will threaten to cut off contact etc. I could happily never see this sibling again but I love her kids. I also know if I say no I’m going to get a whole heap of abuse (usually by email).

But I have had a lifetime of this, no end in sight. I have developed my own mental health issues related to family and every time this happens it is very triggering, which also makes me think I’m reacting disproportionately. Not sure if I’m just reacting emotively.

AIBU to say no to this request for money and block my sibling’s email? (She would never have credit to telephone me so email is her only way to communicate).

Thanks for reading this far if you made it to the end!

If you can easily afford it, pay her the money.

It won't all go on the prom, of course, but will ease her difficult money situation for a while.

She has no-one else to ask.

If its for something to wear then i would.find our what he beeds and get hold of it cheaply on ebay or somewhere thwn send that on. If ita for a ticket them she should contact the school. If in uk then he is pp and the school most likely will let him go.

If none of these suffice then she is not telling you the truth.

Its hard - could you not sort an online clothes voucher for next or somewhere she could get him clothes..
or get his size clothes ordered from online so def go to him...

even my non dresing up ds wore a 'shirt' and some trousers to his yr 6 party... some of the girls were in full dress/heels /make up mode- my jaw dropped (but i am old ) they did have a lovely time though...

I can see why you don't want to support her but maybe clothes parcels for the kids is a way to go? then could do school uniform before sep/coat for xmas etc

just an idea as not sure really what else to do ... maybe asda vouchers ..or something so she can get clothes/food ...

suggestions for saving for them is hard as cash when their older doesnt help with outfits for tomorrow :(
could kids come to you on holiday?

How much is she asking for?

My son's p7 prom? £20 for a short. He already had the trousers. Just wire trainers.
£5 contribution to the after party.
Limos etc all disgraceful and unnecessary, especially for 11 year olds.

And you won't be doing her any favours lending her any more money. Time she learnt a lesson!

Just say sorry that you cant help this time because she didnt pay you back the last time. Or lie and say you cant afford. She is taking the piss and will continue to do so. If she uses kids as blackmail she is a truly shitty person who just sees you as a bank anyway and I guarantee she will be back begging u for money somewhere along the line. Also, kids dont need that sort of money for a primary school prom.

This is going to be your responsibility for life if you don't find a way to stop it now. I would off the voucher for clothing as suggested by PPs and then say that's it. I suspect she will have doubled the amount etc to get some extra for her feckless self.

At my dc primary the proms are organised by parents and you pay the organising parent. There would be no info on the school website.

No, she should learn to live within her means.
An end of school disco / prom is not an emergency, she knew it would be happening and should have put money aside. She's getting benefits and should be managing her money better. You're not responsible for covering this.

If you wanted to, you could write a little card for your nephew with a small gift voucher to go towards his outfit / celebration / summer. It would be horrible if she pins it on you as the reason he's not going. Let him know you care about him.

Start saving a little bit here and there for your nieces and nephews, they might need it when turn of age and escape her.

It's going to be hard for you to say no after all the k's you've given already.
It would have been a no from me from the start.

Next week tell her you are taking a career break due to health problems. When she asks you for money, you ask her for money.

If you know what school it is ring them pay for it direct. Some school do have proms it is ridiculous. Ours are having a party and a disco. No prom!

I like oneworld’s idea actually of trying to turn it round so she is aware what it feels like.
The difficulty is her children as it does sound things must be tough for them. However It is not your responsibility and does your mum appreciate it’s not easy for you?
There must be other ways of helping them too- to be honest even freecycle is amazing and someone might have prom clothes so they learn to be more independent and give you less pressure. I do feel for you and lovely you are being kind but they need to think of you too

Your sister is financially abusing you. You moved half way around the world to escape this.

STOP. This has to stop sooner or later. She's not going to be reasonable, she's going to demand more and more luxuries not bailiff level crises. All the while threatening to remove you access to her children - fuck that, that's blackmail and it's NOT okay.

Tell her no, this is unsustainable and it's not good for either of you for this to carry on like this.

Block her email address or at least mark it as junk or set up a filter so hers go into a separate folder. You do not have to open any emails from her. You have full permission to never open an email from her again! Your never have to respond again.

What would you say if you genuinely couldn’t afford to help her, there probably isn’t even a prom but she knows you won’t say no if it’s for the kids.

It's never going to end. I would suggest at least temporarily blocking her. The prom if true is really not an emergency.

Not unreasonable to say no a line will have to be drawn somewhere. Very tough decision as it involves DNephew.

How much is she asking for? I would hope, that in the interests of inclusivity, that this is not expensive.

There are ways around giving her the money. School probably have had many issues with her not being able to pay for things so might deal with you directly. Also not sure if you can set up a Next account from abroad but I imagine there is a way to buy the clothes directly.

Starving and being made homeless - yes I'd pay.

11 year olds prom or tv licence debt - no.

I would start pleading 'times are getting hard' for you otherwise this will go on forever.

Sneakypinky is 100% correct. Next time you are asked to pay a bailiif for example, then pay directly to the bank account of the debt.

Is she spending on drugs alcohol or gambling?

Sorry but cut her off. As long as she knows she has you to fall back on she wont stand on her own two feet. Send clothes for nephew.

Time to open your eyes OP. Do they contact you other than to ask for money?

You are not helping her by constantly bailing her out. She is using emotional blackmail by saying the money is now for your nephews prom and if you succumb to this she will use her son to cajole money out of you for evermore. Even worse if this triggers your MH issues. Can you communicate directly with your nephew through another family member?

DD has just finished primary school and they had a ‘prom’ at a posh hotel. £15 per ticket. Some of the girls had make-up, hair done, new dresses. And there were quite a few chauffeur driven cars and one party bus .

Just say sorry that you cant help this time because she didnt pay you back the last time. Or lie and say you cant afford.

This.

Our y6 party costs £5.

If you pay this, it’ll then be uniform for his new school, school books for his new school, bus pass, school shoes, school trip, club, Christmas party etc etc. Secondary schools can be expensive.

She needs to stand on her own two feet.

Personally I would try to look at my own mental well-being and maybe take a step back.